Monday, February 24, 2020

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers@! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump is calling for Social Security cuts in his fourth year. With unemployment down so far he sees no reason seniors can’t get out and work a few more years.

Bernie Sanders on Michael Bloomberg’s debate performance says Donald Trump would chew him up and spit him out. Bernie would almost do the same but instead put him in a blender and drink him with a straw.

Satisfaction with the U.S. is the highest since 2005. Mostly because there hasn’t been much to be satisfied about here since 2005.

Satisfaction with the U.S. is the highest since 2005. Mostly those trying to enjoy themselves while they can before the economy completely crashes again.

Obamacare is at its highest level of favorability. Mostly because people feel if it was able to bring itself back from the dead, think of what it could do for them. 

Former Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein says it would be harder to vote for Bernie Sanders than Donald Trump. Mostly because he would rather have a guy with Trump’s intellect who is rich calling the shots than a guy as smart as Sanders who is still poor.

Former Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein says it would be harder to vote for Bernie Sanders than Donald Trump. But only because Sanders might actually prosecute all the Wall Streeters next time they crash the economy.

Intel officials warned House lawmakers Russia is meddling in 2020 to get Donald Trump elected again. Mostly because Vladimir Putin’s brother bet him their usual dollar he can’t do it again.

Intel officials warned House lawmakers Russia is meddling in 2020 to get Donald Trump elected again. Which became apparent when Trump Towers changed their logo to a hammer and sickle.

Intel officials warned House lawmakers Russia is meddling in 2020 to get Donald Trump elected again. Suspicions come up every time Trump is heard saying “We’re ‘Russian’ to the finish line.”

Apple has taken out a restraining order on a Tim Cook stalker. Apparently it didn’t fool anyone when he told Donald Trump he was officially changing his name to Tim Apple. 

Apple has taken out a restraining order on a Tim Cook stalker. Cook is finding out it’s no fun when someone sells your personal information that can be used to track all your movements.

New York City was ordered to pay cab drivers $810 Million. Which is the difference in potential charges they lost after Uber was allowed to do surge pricing.

New York City was ordered to pay cab drivers $810 Million. Which is good news for their fares who are hoping the money will go to buy some new air freshener hangers.

Harry and Meghan are looking at buying a $7 Million Malibu mansion. To which the rest of the Royals are saying “Forget this, we quit too!”

Roger Stone was sentenced to 3 years and 4 months for lying to Congress. Which ironically Donald Trump is looking at a sentence of 4 more years in the White House for the same thing.

Twitter is testing a system featuring red and orange badges on tweets that are “harmfully misleading.” The orange ones being reserved for any coming from Donald Trump’s account.

A frozen bird found in Siberia is 46,000 years old. Which is what happens to birds in Siberia who don’t follow their instincts to fly south for the winter.

Gwyneth Paltrow hosted a dinner in L.A. asking famous guests to come makeup free. Apparently she didn’t want them wearing all that usual goop.

Gwyneth Paltrow hosted a dinner in L.A. asking famous guests to come makeup free. Which was fine as long as they didn’t have to show up without their Botox.

Gwyneth Paltrow hosted a dinner in L.A. asking famous guests to come makeup free. Which usually is only allowed when someone will be there to give them all free makeup.

Thousands of Americans are voluntarily being quarantined for coronavirus. Which was perfectly fine for all the teens who never get up to leave the couch in their living room anyway.

Mick Mulvaney says the U.S. is “desperate” for more legal immigrants. Meaning people who can speak English but are still good with working for only $3.50 an hour.

Mick Mulvaney says the U.S. is “desperate” for more legal immigrants. Meaning any people wanting to come to the U.S. who aren’t from a “s--thole country.”

Mick Mulvaney says the U.S. is “desperate” for more legal immigrants. Mostly because at this time there isn’t the need for any illegal immigrants as the staff at Mar-a-Lago is currently full.

Jon Peters is engaged to another woman three weeks after his split with Pamela Anderson. When you are 74, apparently there is just no time to waste being single.

Jon Peters is engaged to another woman three weeks after his split with Pamela Anderson. Even LeBron James isn’t that fast on the rebound.

A Miami neighborhood is being besieged by peacocks. There hasn’t been that much poop, screeching and squawking from a peacock since the premier of “Little Big Shots.”

Donald Trump ripped “Parasite” for winning the Oscar for Best Picture. He says he prefers “Gone With the Wind” and “Sunset Boulevard.” It reminds him of the good old days when there was still slavery and plenty of crazy starlets.

Donald Trump ripped “Parasite” for winning the Oscar for Best Picture. He says he prefers “Gone With the Wind” and “Sunset Boulevard.” If he wanted to see poor people hopelessly trying to better themselves he would watch his employees at work.

A pistachio war is heating up between the U.S. and Iran to become the industry’s global leader. Which makes it just another Middle East conflict gone completely nuts.

A pistachio war is heating up between the U.S. and Iran to become the industry’s global leader. So far our intelligence says they could be in possession of nuts of mass destruction.

A Russian man sawed off his own leg while high on the zombie drug “spice.” Just a little higher with the saw and he would have become a spice girl.

A Russian man sawed off his own leg while high on the zombie drug “spice.” On top of that, getting a prosthetic will cost him an arm and a leg.

Texas made $3 Million selling personal information off driver’s licenses last year. Which in Texas shows the number of DUIs, what kind of guns bought and how many trucks owned.

A survey says people who nap think they are more productive and are happier. Mostly because everyone else they work with has to pitch in to get all their work done.

New Jersey raised its White Supremacist terror threat level to high. It wasn’t that much of a concern even when they were still filming “Jersey Shore.”

Harry and Meghan insist that Queen Elizabeth II doesn’t own the word “Royal.” Except that she’s the only one they are talking about when they say “Royal pain in the backside.”

John Oates of Hall & Oates says he slept with “thousands” of women in the 1970s. That was back in the days when having sex still didn’t require a condom or razor.

John Oates of Hall & Oates says he slept with “thousands” of women in the 1970s. To which Daryl Hall is saying “You’re welcome.”

John Oates of Hall & Oates says he slept with “thousands” of women in the 1970s. To which Gene Simmons is saying “Then that has to put me into the millions.”

A New York State psychiatric hospital worker was paid $230,000 in overtime last year. Mostly because she charges for every separate personality when counseling schizophrenics.

A Google employee suspected of killing his wife was released pending an investigation. He was caught after the world’s easiest search ever for police who just used Google.

Before Donald Trump’s visit, an Indian city built a 1,300 foot wall to block views of a slum. Which upset Trump who is mad that he can’t get what he describes as virtually the same thing.

Costco is changing its food court so only members can eat there. And who wouldn’t want to shell out the $60 to be able to dine at an exclusive restaurant like that?

Costco is changing its food court so only members can eat there. Which is going to be a real letdown to any dates who get excited about being taken to dinner at a members-only restaurant. 

Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary in an interview says terrorists are “generally Muslims.” To which he added “And to anyone who doesn’t like what I say, let’s go get drunk and fight!”

Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary in an interview says terrorists are “generally Muslims.” And who knows profiling better than someone running an airline only Irish would be cheap enough to fly?

The U.S. government has fined Wells Fargo $3 Billion over their fake accounts scandal. To which Wells Fargo says that’s OK since they made $10 Billion off the scam.

The FBI suggests using longer passwords for digital security. Which for most people means going from “12345” to “123456789.”

The FBI suggests using longer passwords for digital security. Although anything longer than two characters is pretty safe from ever being cracked by anyone at the FBI.

Atherton, California in the Silicon Valley has a median household income over $500,000. Which is rough living in an area that is so expensive the minimum wage is $250 an hour.

Atherton, California in the Silicon Valley has a median household income over $500,000. Those are the people living in a room over a garage when they aren’t doing their side gig for Uber.

Macau casinos will reopen after being closed two weeks for the coronavirus. Which is different than Las Vegas casino-goers who can survive anything after just three visits to the buffet line.

Holocaust educators are urging Amazon to stop selling Nazi propaganda. The Nazis also want Amazon to stop selling their propaganda, saying they don’t want to be identified with Jeff Bezos.

Former Jeffrey Epstein pal Leslie Wexner will step down from the parent company of Victoria’s Secret. Mostly because it’s much more important to keep his association with Epstein a secret.

As medical costs soar, more Americans are turning to crowdfunding. Which has turned our medical care into a combination of health insurance and panhandling.

A study says a healthy diet is good for sperm count. Which eating poorly and getting fat with a low sperm count doesn’t matter for men who aren’t going to be hooking up in the first place.

American doctors prescribe more brand name drugs when given free lunches or other gifts by drug makers. Especially when the opioid makers double down and give discounts on rehab.

American doctors prescribe more brand name drugs when given free lunches or other gifts by drug makers. Especially when the lunch is at McDonald’s and they give everyone in the restaurant prescriptions for weight loss, high blood pressure and diabetes.

The FBI bought $40,000 in hand sanitizer and masks in case of a coronavirus pandemic. No one had any idea all this time that the “G” in G-Man stood for germaphobe.

Ben Affleck shared what he is looking for in his next relationship, which is “All the sort of usual stuff.” Who knew he was such a hopeless romantic?

Ben Affleck shared what he is looking for in his next relationship, which is “All the sort of usual stuff.” Which makes you wonder how Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Garner let him get away?

Deontay Wilder and Tyson Fury are at or near their heaviest weight ahead of their fight in Las Vegas. Which is what happens when their managers can’t keep them out of the buffet lines.

Major League Baseball will test an automatic strike zone in a move to robot umpiring in spring training. AI calling balls and strikes will only happen if umpires don’t have the balls to strike.

Major League Baseball will test an automatic strike zone in a move to robot umpiring in spring training. It will do away with video review because the umpire will be the video review.

Astros whistleblower Mike Fiers says he has gotten death threats. Which makes him jump every time he hears someone hitting a garbage can.

Former Cowboys running back Darren McFadden pleaded guilty to DUI after falling asleep in the fast food lane at a restaurant. At least the judge asked if he wanted fries with his sentence.

David Ortiz says Mike Fiers is a “snitch” for going public with his accusations. Meaning good luck for Dominican Republic police getting Big Papi to ID his shooter.

The Nets Kyrie Irving will be out the rest of the year after he has shoulder surgery. Which is just a good thing the operating table will be flat and not round.

Golf analyst Peter Kostis accused Patrick Reed of cheating on the golf course. Which explains his signing a clothing contract to always wear the colors of the Astros.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Off to a great start on the new work week. Glad you came here to get your daily dose of humor. If you ever get tired of reading the jokes and would rather just sit back and have someone do it for you, this would be a good time to try my daily comedy podcast News Jokes By Jim. Here’s the link:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-2-21-2020/id1416271102?i=1000466284501  Go ahead and subscribe and be sure to mention it to all your friends. Also take a look at my campaign website as I run for the West Virginia House of Delegates. Here’s that link:  https://www.jimbarachforhouseofdelegates.com/  If you are in a generous mood, you might want to just click on that donate button and that will tell you exactly how to chip in. I thank you in advance. Other than that, all I ask is that you remember to always keep sending the love!


Friday, February 21, 2020

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Questions linger after Bernie Sanders’ heart attack about his health. If he takes on Donald Trump in the general election, his answer will be “Trade you my health records for your taxes.”

The Trump Administration is backing Oracle over Google in a Supreme Court battle. Showing that Larry Ellison fundraiser he hosted for Donald Trump is paying off already.

A survey says 77% of Americans trust the government to handle the coronavirus outbreak. The other 23% are just surprised there are 77% who have confidence in the government.

A survey says 77% of Americans trust the government to handle the coronavirus outbreak. The other 23% are planning to take a cruise ship in the next few months.

Bottled water is being targeted in Washington State. The question being who in Washington state ever drinks anything besides craft beers and coffee?

Harry and Meghan will officially end their royal duties on March 31st. Then they will go from doing absolutely nothing to just being retired.

Harry and Meghan will officially end their royal duties on March 31st. The sad part is their final assignment will be going all the way back to London to clean out their desks.

Andrew Yang has joined CNN as a commentator. His vote total in the first two primaries was 1% and 2.8%, which was fitting as that is about equal to CNN’s ratings.

A study says age may create a bias in heart care for older patients. Mostly because doctors know they are the demographic that probably has enough money to pay their medical bills.

A study says age may create a bias in heart care for older patients. Although if Bernie Sanders is still going along after his heart procedure, that gives new hope to everyone else over 103.

A report says Mark Zuckerberg is consumed with his public image. If that is true, he needs to find another consultant for advice about his haircut, gray shirt and hoodie.

The nation’s airports are warning of chaos for passengers over the Real ID deadline. To which most travelers are saying the TSA, airline schedules and airport food aren’t chaos enough?

U.S. hospital workers are fighting for higher wages, saying they can’t afford their own health care. To which Donald Trump says you don’t see anyone working at Mar-a-Lago staying there.

U.S. hospital workers are fighting for higher wages, saying they can’t afford their own health care. To which they are being told to work at a hospice and just go there when they get sick.

A study says smartphone addiction changes the size and shape of the brain. Not only that, when they are on the phone their brain is also put on airplane mode.

A study says smartphone addiction changes the size and shape of the brain. It actually takes on an egg shape, just like the Silly Putty their brain is evolving into.

Wendy’s was fined for violating child labor laws. That’s no wonder. Looking at their logo, Wendy herself can’t be more than about 14.

77 year old Harrison Ford says he maintains his physique with a clean diet of fish and vegetables. Which are put into a blender so he can suck them down using a straw.

77 year old Harrison Ford says he maintains his physique with a clean diet of fish and vegetables. Which explains what happened when he crashed his plane. “Who ate the fish?”

The Utah Senate passed a bill decriminalizing polygamy. Which will be an interesting conversation when each Senator has to explain that to their wife after they get home.

The Utah Senate passed a bill decriminalizing polygamy. It was just a little legislative clean-up work left over from 1848.

Rising rapper Pop Smoke was shot dead at his home in L.A. Witnesses say about the shooting they just heard a pop and saw some smoke.

The Catholic diocese in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania declared bankruptcy over multimillion dollar payoffs for sex abuse cases. Which the Church says they are just doing their part to help out people who have been through a personal crisis.

Astros outfielder Josh Reddick says his team intends to win and “shut everybody up.” Well, now there is a sincere apology from someone who is looking to make good for their transgressions.

Astros outfielder Josh Reddick says his team intends to win and “shut everybody up.” Which is ironic as it’s the way they won that got everyone talking in the first place.

Steven Spielberg’s daughter has come out as a porn star. It’s too bad she didn’t have some sort of connection she could have used to go more mainstream.

Steven Spielberg’s daughter has come out as a porn star. So far the movies she has been in are “(Working Those) Jaws,” “Saving Ryan’s Privates” and “Close Encounters of Every Kind.”

Mark Cuban says he doesn’t want his kids to be “entitled jerks.” Apparently he is counting on that gene to skip a generation.

Mark Cuban says he doesn’t want his kids to be “entitled jerks.” Meaning he will be spending his last dollar right before he dies.

Data can predict the best and worst times to buy airline tickets. Which right now is pretty much the worst time for taking a trip anywhere in China.

Data can predict the best and worst times to buy airline tickets. The worst time being whenever the only seats left to a destination are with United.

A study says eating the Western diet for one week can subtly impair brain function. Which explains Donald Trump always wolfing down meals from McDonald’s and Chick-fil-A.

A study says eating the Western diet for one week can subtly impair brain function, including memory. Which explains why after eating a meal high in sugar and fat, people are ready to go out and do it again in another hour.

A judge ruled the Bronx Zoo’s Happy the Elephant is legally not a “person.” Which is too bad as the pachyderm was looking forward to leaving and had already packed her trunk.

A judge ruled the Bronx Zoo’s Happy the Elephant is legally not a “person.” This is a decision the elephant will never forget.

A judge ruled the Bronx Zoo’s Happy the Elephant is legally not a “person.” All the elephant’s legal team could say was “Tusk, tusk.”

A judge ruled the Bronx Zoo’s Happy the Elephant is legally not a “person.” The judge also ruled that “Bronx Zoo” is pretty much redundant.

A teenager wants to honor the working women of World War II with their own monument. Or she can just wait until later this year when Donald Trump necessitates a memorial for World War III.

Hyundai’s new Sonata hybrid boasts a solar roof. Meaning the car’s interior will be kept at a constant 130 degrees.

Atlantic City has unveiled slot machines that can be played by gamblers on the Internet. It turns out the machines are owned by a group made up of several princes from Nigeria.

Victoria’s Secret could become a private company. That was the only way the founder could be sure to keep Victoria’s Secret.

Victoria’s Secret could become a private company. Which is fitting since Victoria’s Secret’s main concern has always been with the privates.

A Whitney Houston hologram is set to go on tour. Which makes sense as Houston is the one who puts the “gram” in hologram.

A study says “stinging water” where swimmers get skin irritation near jellyfish is caused by a release of toxin-filled mucus. Meaning people shouldn’t go in the water without some Kleenex.

A report says no coronavirus cases were caught by U.S. airport temperature checks. Just like no terrorists were ever caught by making passengers take off their shoes.

A report says the coronavirus economic hit could exceed $1 Trillion. And that’s just from all the cruise ships aimlessly circling the globe looking for a port that will let them dock.

A survey says many teens suffer “digital date abuse.” That is different from the adult version known as “Tinder.”

A survey says many teens suffer “digital date abuse.” How lazy are kids getting when they never leave the couch even when it comes to harassment and stalking?

A survey says many teens suffer “digital date abuse.” Which is different from the old days when digital date abuse was turning someone down for a date and getting the middle finger.

The Prince Andrew scandal has left Princess Beatrice wishing she could have a private wedding in Italy. To which Andrew is saying he knows of a nice Caribbean island that’s not being used.

Amanda Bynes says she is looking forward to starting a clothing line. It will specialize in orange jumpsuits and custom straightjackets.

Ben Affleck says his biggest regret is divorcing Jennifer Garner. Which is a big statement coming from someone who starred in “Gigli,” “Daredevil” and “Reindeer Games.”

A Pennsylvania Little League system has dropped “Astros” from the choice of team names. Even worse is they are replacing it with “1919 Black Sox.”

A Pennsylvania Little League system has dropped “Astros” from the choice of team names. Among the replacements are the “Corked Bats,” “Emery Boards” and “Spitballs.”

A British field hockey star has retired after a freak head injury. The good news being that she is now qualified to try out for the NHL.

The NFL appears headed for a 17 game season. Which is good news for the Lions and Browns who could see their 0-16 records eclipsed by the Cincinnati Bengals.

Browns tackle Greg Robinson was arrested with 156 pounds of pot in his vehicle. After having to play for and live in Cleveland, his defense of 156 pounds of pot is “It’s still not enough.”

LaVar Ball has relaunched his Big Baller Brand. Which his BBB had better be on the lookout for the other BBB, namely the Better Business Bureau.

LaVar Ball has relaunched his Big Baller Brand. Like their shoes, the company is pretty much a retread.

LaVar Ball has relaunched his Big Baller Brand. In another few months when it goes under again, Lavar will have to rename it the Big Bawler Brand.

Roger Federer will miss the French Open after knee surgery. Meaning his knees would make getting around Roland Garros like having feet of clay.

A human brain in a jar was seized in a mail truck at the U.S.-Canadian border. Which proves the speculation that all the best minds are leaving the country.

Contigo has recalled 6 Million kids’ water bottles for a choking hazard. The choking coming from the fact most kids are not used to drinking water.

India wants to eliminate the “foul smell” around the Taj Mahal ahead of Donald Trump’s visit. That shouldn’t be an issue. He grew up in New York City right across the river from New Jersey.

India wants to eliminate the “foul smell” around the Taj Mahal ahead of Donald Trump’s visit. Meaning a government order banning anyone from cooking with curry for three weeks.

Harry and Meghan can’t use royal titles in commercial deals. Meaning they can’t even be in ads for Royal Caribbean, Dairy Queen or Burger King.

A study says herbal supplements don’t help with weight loss. It turns out the only thing that ever gets lighter after buying them is your wallet.

A study says Neanderthals had funerals with flowers. Mostly because even back then they knew come spring time they would be pushing up daisies.

A study says Neanderthals had funerals with flowers. Although even back then in lieu of flowers, mourners could throw in tools, spears or animal skins.

A study says Ursula from “The Little Mermaid” is the most popular movie villain in New York State. Apparently the survey didn’t include Donald Trump’s appearance in “Home Alone 2.”

SUNY Cobleskill is offering a degree in “Canine Training and Management.” To study in the library, students enrolled in the course must take the class in being a dog whisperer.

SUNY Cobleskill is offering a degree in “Canine Training and Management.” Students will be immediately failed if they are caught bringing any Milk-Bones to class.

SUNY Cobleskill is offering a degree in “Canine Training and Management.” The worst part for students is getting a test answer wrong and being hit on the nose with a newspaper.

A study says New Mexico is the worst state for distracted driving. Mostly because with no scenery, radio or cellphone reception, it’s easy to be distracted looking for something to do.

A British man found a bottle on the beach with a message inside written 82 years ago. The note said whoever finds it owes them three cents for the bottle deposit.

A British man found a bottle on the beach with a message inside written 82 years ago. The note said “I bet this gets to you faster than if I put it in the Royal Mail.”

A British man found a bottle on the beach with a message inside written 82 years ago. The note said “This isn’t much but it was a lot easier than trying to build a ship inside.”

Hair Club for Men founder Sy Sperling has died at 78. Meaning he will be covered up one final time.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another fun and successful week of the blog and of course my daily comedy podcast News Jokes By Jim. What, you haven’t checked it out yet? Don’t wait any longer, here’s the link:  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-2-20-2020/id1416271102?i=1000466179152  Make sure to subscribe and don’t hesitate to tell all your friends so they get on board with it as well. Also, take a look at my website as I run for West Virginia House of Delegates District 36. It’s right here:  https://www.jimbarachforhouseofdelegates.com/  Read through it to see what I am about as I make the move towards political office. If you have a few extra dollars lying around you want to see put to good use, hit the donate button and send them to me. Other than that, all I ask is that you occasionally remember to always keep on sending the love!