Friday, February 08, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

San Francisco police have released a sketch of the “Doodler” killer from the 1970s. They think he may have since taken a job with Google.


San Francisco police have released a sketch of the “Doodler” killer from the 1970s. Although the picture just turned out to be a random cartoony scribble.


Fisher-Price is recalling 44,000 Barbie toy electric cars that have a faulty pedal. They may have more trouble with accusations of stealing the business model of Fiat Chrysler.


Fisher-Price is recalling 44,000 Barbie toy electric cars that have a faulty pedal. Like Ken, it too doesn’t come with a stick shift.


Justin and Hailey Bieber say that “marriage is tough.” Which serves them right for marrying a spoiled, entitled, rich teenager.


Justin and Hailey Bieber say that “marriage is tough.” They’re young. They should have it down much better by the time they are both on their third or fourth marriage.


Justin and Hailey Bieber say that “marriage is tough.” If only they had waited a bit longer and had gone to the prom together first.


There is a new slogan for the state of Virginia. It’s “Yes, Virginia, there is an in house minstrel show.”


A report says there are an average of 1,809 illegal crossing attempts every day along the Mexican border. Which sounds less like a border crisis and more of a mass jaywalking.


Tom Ford gave an anti-wall message at New York Fashion Week. Or as fashion designers see it, less wall and more drapes.


The Army is aiming for more combat-ready troops with a new harsher fitness test. The sad part is that the goal is to be able to lift and carry one of the other obese soldiers more than ten yards.


Ozzy Osbourne has been hospitalized for flu complications. The question being how scary is a flu virus that can survive all those drugs in Ozzy’s system?


A study says kind thoughts can boost the immune system. Which has now been adopted as the official Republican Party health care plan.


AAA says cold weather can cut an electric car’s range by 40%. Which is just another case of how the cold can cause embarrassing shrinkage.


AAA says cold weather can cut an electric car’s range by 40%. Except in a Tesla Model S which doesn’t need to run the heater when the rest of the car catches fire.


A Missouri man’s defense for a double murder is that it’s the fault of Scientology. It’s the biggest case of the religion being blamed for a bomb since John Travolta’s “Battlefield Earth.”


United Airlines is pursuing high-end travelers with more premium seats on flights. Meaning they are now just going to call the entire jetliner cabin First Class.


Iran says it will pardon as many as 50,000 prisoners on the 40th anniversary of the Islamic Revolution. The bad news is they will let them out of prison just long enough to behead them.


Iran says it will pardon as many as 50,000 prisoners on the 40th anniversary of the Islamic Revolution. Mostly to make room to put them all back in for the start of the next revolution.


Iran says it will pardon as many as 50,000 prisoners on the 40th anniversary of the Islamic Revolution. Apparently after 40 years no one can remember what they were imprisoned for in the first place.


Iran has inaugurated medium-range ballistic missiles. Those can fly across the street as opposed to their long-range missiles that can make it all the way across town.


A Rome airport was temporarily closed due to the discovery of World War II bombs. To which Mussolini loyalists shouted “Bullseye!”


A woman’s body found in a suitcase in Connecticut has been identified. Apparently when someone told her to go packing, she took it a bit too literally.


Puerto Rico is sending aid to Venezuela. How much worse can it get when even Puerto Rico feels they need to come to the rescue?


A report says a record $5.7 Billion was spent on congressional elections in 2018. Which means for the same amount of money, instead of a wall we got permanent gridlock.


Delta has pulled napkins encouraging passengers to slip their phone number to a plane crush. Which was mostly people in coach asking someone in First Class if they could move into the empty seat next to them.


Delta has pulled napkins encouraging passengers to slip their phone number to a plane crush. Which is not to be confused with the plane crush referring to the fat guy in the next seat hanging over onto your lap.


Delta has pulled napkins encouraging passengers to slip their phone number to a plane crush. Because nothing impresses another airline traveler than being given a phone number on a napkin stained with beer and cookie crumbs.


TSA screeners found a record 4,239 firearms in carry on bags last year. Which wasn’t even close to the bigger record 100,000 bottles containing more than three ounces of liquid.


A report says China is trying to infiltrate U.S. colleges to recruit spies and indoctrinate students. Which is no secret and is pretty much otherwise known as UCLA.


A Canadian man was denied a personalized license plate with his name, “Assman.” Not because it was inappropriate, but because the Canadian DMV was afraid of a plagiarism lawsuit from “Seinfeld.”


A Canadian man was denied a personalized license plate saying “Assman.” Apparently he was trying to express his preference for rear ends and “Kardashian” wouldn’t fit.


Wells Fargo says “system issues” were behind a problem with mobile and online banking. Apparently the outage made it impossible for the bank to access the correct fake accounts.


Wells Fargo says “system issues” were behind a problem with mobile and online banking. The bank promised to fix the outage as soon as the 4:15 stagecoach arrives.


The FDA says Walgreens is a “top violator” for illegal tobacco sales to minors. Apparently the store is just doing its best to attract future long term patients.


A study says decadent desserts may be the secret to losing weight. Meaning don’t eat them.


Chipotle has extended the number of locations with drive-thru “Chipotlanes.” Mostly for people getting an order in an ambulance on the way to the hospital as a way to cut out the middleman.


New York Police are demanding Google remove Waze DUI checkpoints. The problem is that it’s more of a hazard for people to check their cellphones for checkpoints while driving than for them being drunk.


J.C. Penney is discontinuing sales of appliances and furniture. Not to say the store is behind the times, but they’re finding not much of a demand for waterbeds and avocado green refrigerators.


Scientists are racing to develop a drinkable version of marijuana. That’s been around for years. It’s called running out of weed and drinking the bong water.


Scientists are racing to develop a drinkable version of marijuana. When that is done they will try to come up with a smokable whiskey.


Johnson & Johnson will start listing drug prices on TV commercials. Mostly as a way to sell more of their anxiety and anti-depression drugs for people just to be able to watch their ads.


A Pennsylvania dad is traveling to Canada to buy meds for his son at $15,000 a year compared to $53,000 in the U.S. Which is a trend that is causing pharmaceutical companies to demand Donald Trump move the wall to the northern border.


Emily Ratajkowski signed a lingerie deal that had her pose in underwear at a convenience store. Why is it that every time I go to a 7-Eleven I just see morbidly obese women wearing tights over a thong and a halter top?


Tom Arnold has filed for divorce from his estranged wife Ashley Groussman. As opposed to when he filed for divorce from his strange wife, Roseanne.


“The Rock” says he was the first choice for hosting the Oscars but was too busy. Not only was The Rock not available, the Academy also couldn’t get any interest from Paper or Scissors.


Woody Allen is suing Amazon for $68 Million for breach of a film deal. Which Jeff Bezos will be using a defense of poverty once his wife is done with her $80 Billion divorce settlement.


Major League Baseball is changing the Disabled List to the Injured List. Those who just have minor injuries will be placed on the less serious Owie list.


Major League Baseball is changing the Disabled List to the Injured List. They will also change the status of those caught using PEDs from being suspended to being put in Time Out.


Rocco Mediate admits to drinking on the course during competitive rounds. Which adds even more fuel to the fire in the argument of whether golf is a real sport.


Rocco Mediate admits to drinking on the course during competitive rounds. Which makes it ironic that his playoff against Tiger Woods in the 2008 U.S. Open ended on the 19th hole.


Detroit Tiger Miguel Cabrera may get a break on his $20,000 a month child support judgment. Which brought a huge sigh of relief from every single player in the NBA.


Feds arrested more than a dozen people for swindling Americans on websites like eBay and Craigslist. Which is otherwise known as doing business on eBay and Craigslist.


Democrats are proposing a Green New Deal to deal with climate change. As opposed to the Republicans’ version called the Green Old Deal which was more about taking down limits for political campaign donations.


Howard Schultz says running for President is an attempt to give back as a public servant. As opposed to becoming a billionaire at Starbucks gouging customers as a greedy private citizen.


Howard Schultz says running for President is an attempt to give back as a public servant. Plus, as President he will be running the country by spending everyone else’s money.


A report says Nigerians are heading to the polls this time with stronger faith in elections. Mostly because they now have the option to vote for the Nigerian princes who promise to improve the economy with billions of dollars of donations from foreign senior citizens.


A study says Cleveland is the number one city for immigrants becoming U.S. citizens. How bad is life in other countries where people would actually rather be living in Cleveland?


A study says bald men would pay $30,000 to have their hair back. That doesn’t even include the extra costs of having hair, like going to the barber, buying shampoo and having dates.


A study says bald men would pay $30,000 to have their hair back. Which they would gladly pay if they had the money from a job that pays well that they can’t get because they are bald.


A Saudi study says Millennial jihadists are mostly well educated. Which shows that the U.S. isn’t the only place where it’s tough to get a decent job with good benefits after graduating college.


A study says Florida is the best state for singles. The difference is that when looking for a hookup, their version of swiping left or right is leaving on the left or right turn signal.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you have a great weekend planned. Football season is over which is good because A) I’m a Raiders fan and my football season ended in September and B) Baseball can’t be that far away. Everything is good once again. Thanks for checking out the blog. I would like to suggest you try my daily comedy podcast News Jokes By Jim. Have you heard of it? I may have mentioned it here two or three hundred times but that’s about it. Here’s the link to find it:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-2-7-2019/id1416271102?i=1000429391892&mt=2  Feel free to subscribe, that way you get every episode sent straight to your device. And make sure to tell all your friends, both real and on social media. The more people listening in, the better for me and for anyone who actually wants me to keep doing it. That still leaves plenty of time to remember to always keep on sending the love!

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