Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

IKEA is apologizing for leaving New Zealand off a world map sold in their stores. Apparently it was just assumed anyone buying it would have to install it themselves.


A report says Donald Trump is leaning towards declaring a state of emergency over the Mexican border. Which Americans are already used to living under ever since he moved into the White House.


Sources say Jeff Bezos’ brother-in-law gave his racy texts to the National Enquirer. Which means Bezos should have stuck to selling junk instead of sending pictures of his to his mistress.


Russia is planning to disconnect from the Internet as part of a planned test. Which means during that time no one there will be able to access any of the five government-approved websites.


Russia is planning to disconnect from the Internet as part of a planned test. Which if that was done for more than five minutes in the U.S., would constitute a complete societal meltdown.


Fans are being warned of possible exposure to rabies from a bat at an Indiana Pacers game. And people thought the only real rabid fans lived in Philadelphia.


Fans are being warned of possible exposure to rabies from a bat at an Indiana Pacers game. The only other time that happened was for anyone bitten by Metta World Peace when he was still on the team.


Childish Gambino won the Song and Record of the Year at the Grammys but was a no show. Apparently he was just being childish.


A report says the longest ride at Disney World is the “Carousel of Progress” at 20 minutes and 45 seconds. Which is still three hours shorter than the line just to get into Space Mountain.


A report says the longest ride at Disney World is the “Carousel of Progress” at 20 minutes and 45 seconds. Which would be “It’s A Small World” if they counted the three months it takes to get that song out of your head.


A study says social media addicts struggle to make new friends and keep old ones in real life. Which is only a problem for those who actually ever had any real friends to begin with.


A study says social media addicts struggle to make new friends and keep old ones in real life. Mostly because those Nigerian princes are the only ones who are always there for them.


A study says two thirds of adults still feel pain from childhood injuries. Sometimes no matter what you do, that burn from getting an atomic wedgie just never goes away.


A study says the decline of insects could collapse nature’s ecosystems. Forget gun control, to survive we need to outlaw the use of all flyswatters.


A study says the decline of insects could collapse nature’s ecosystems. Which means we spent billions of dollars over decades to try to get rid of bugs, and now we want them all back.


The EPA will soon decide on what to do with chemical compounds tied to health risks. To which Donald Trump is telling them the worst any of them can do is turn your skin a little orange.


A study says 3 in 10 parents think the flu shot is a conspiracy. Mostly because they say the flu has only gotten really bad ever since that phony Moon landing.


A study says 3 in 10 parents think the flu shot is a conspiracy. However, if their gripe is medical procedures that are expensive and don’t work they should be protesting their plastic surgeon.


A study says 3 in 10 parents think the flu shot is a conspiracy. Which is what happens to anyone taking their medical advice from Rush Limbaugh.


Swiss voters have rejected a plan to curb urban sprawl. Apparently they felt the idea just had too many holes in it.


A study says half of all Americans feel alone. They should try maybe talking to the other half.


A study says half of all Americans feel alone. Those are the half that haven’t yet gotten an account on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.


Bill Clinton canceled a trip to Nigeria ahead of the upcoming elections. Mostly because he didn’t want to back the winner and have Hillary accuse him of not doing enough to help her win.


A wax statue of Michael Jackson was removed from a Danish mall over fear it could offend customers. Or they could have just relabled it as Virginia Governor Ralph Northam.


A Russian region has declared an emergency over an invasion of aggressive polar bears. The question being is there any other kind?


A Russian region has declared an emergency over an invasion of aggressive polar bears. Which brings up the question, is it a good idea to move from an area that is inhabited by polar bears or because it’s cold enough to be inhabited by polar bears?


McDonald’s is adding donut sticks to its breakfast menu. Which means the morning crew will only be treating customers for diabetic shock as opposed to the lunch and dinner crews that have to work the defibrillators.


The creator of a cheating tool for “Grand Theft Auto” online was fined $15,000. Which is less of a penalty they would have been given if they stole a real car.


A report says under Donald Trump’s tax plan, the average refund is 8.4% smaller. Which coincidentally is exactly the same amount that Trump’s hands are smaller than average.


The National Enquirer is denying they attempted to blackmail Jeff Bezos over his personal texts. Their defense is that they could only be guilty of that if they were an actual newspaper.


Virginia Governor Ralph Northam says he “overreacted” when he apologized for a racist photo, which he now says was not of him. Apparently the shoe polish he used in college was lighter and he would never have worn a white hood that wasn’t properly ironed.


A survey says Americans’ confidence in their finances is growing. Now people are absolutely 100% sure they will never have enough money to retire.


Nashua, New Hampshire is offering free Valentine’s Day STD and HIV tests. What better way to spend V-Day than to see if you have a V.D.


Nashua, New Hampshire is offering free Valentine’s Day STD and HIV tests. Which would make for a special gift for your sweetheart when you present them with a prescription for penicillin.


A study says eating ultraprocessed foods can accelerate the risk of early death. The good news is there can be faster funerals as the body is already preserved.


A study says eating ultraprocessed foods can accelerate the risk of early death. Although it’s fun for kids when Oscar Meyer feels bad and lets the families use the Weinermobile for the hearse.


A study says nearly 1 in 7 U.S. kids and teens has mental health problems. Which just basically says that 1 in 7 U.S. kids is a teenager.


A study says nearly 1 in 7 U.S. kids and teens has mental health problems. No one had any idea that many kids have their own YouTube page.


A Measles outbreak has spurred a vaccination surge in an anti-vaxxer hotspot in Washington state. Apparently the parents are drawing the line at the thought of actually having to take care of a sick child.


A marijuana lollipop may have triggered a Canadian man’s heart attack. Apparently one minute he was fine, the next he just went to pot.


A marijuana lollipop may have triggered a Canadian man’s heart attack. He reportedly just got more and more flustered trying to figure out how to light it.


A study says music has been used throughout history as a method of terror. Which just shows even less originality to what’s being put out by Kanye West.


A Spanish teenager built his own prosthetic arm out of Legos. His grandfather is now trying to give him an idea of something he can possibly make using an erector set.


Christian Bale says he “felt like a bullfrog” transforming into Dick Cheney for the movie “Vice.” Mostly because playing someone with that many heart issues has to prepare an actor to croak.


Nike self-lacing shoes are hitting the shelves. Which kind of defeats the whole purpose of athletics when people are too lazy to even tie their own shoes.


Jay Gruden’s son was arrested for public drunkenness in Washington, D.C. He was almost charged with impersonating a member of the Kennedy family.


Jay Gruden’s son was arrested for public drunkenness in Washington, D.C. after three confrontations. He was taken in when it was ruled he was in the obvious grasp of the police.


The NBA All-Star Game is set for North Carolina following a two year delay because of the state’s “bathroom bill.” Which seems like a really long time to have to hold it.


CBS has picked up 12 Million more viewers for their coverage of the Super Bowl. Apparently they get to count all those who are just waking up after sleeping through the second half.


Rob Gronkowski says he was hit by a beer can at the Patriots’ Super Bowl Parade. Well, it was about time Tom Brady was finally able to hit him.


Donald Trump tweeted that “No President has ever worked harder than me.” Of course, the reason he is working so hard is like Mark Twain said, “If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember your story.”


Donald Trump says Democrats want criminals in the U.S. Which scared his Cabinet officials into wondering if that means Trump is thinking of deporting them.


A West Virginia Republican Delegate compared the LGBT community to the KKK. Apparently he decided they were the same since both groups are represented by a bunch of capital letters.


A Fox News host claims he hasn’t washed his hands in ten years because “germs are not a thing.” Which means everyone there pretty much avoids eating the desserts he bakes for the staff birthday parties.


A Fox News host claims he hasn’t washed his hands in ten years because “germs are not a thing.” As opposed to everyone else there who have washed their hands of telling the truth.


A Fox News host claims he hasn’t washed his hands in ten years because “germs are not a thing.” Which hopefully means he didn’t ever shake hands with Bill O’Reilly or Roger Ailes when they were still there.


Mike Pompeo says Donald Trump is not covering up for the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. He insists when it comes to coverups, he draws the line at collusion.


San Francisco has been rated as the healthiest city in the U.S. Mostly because people walk everywhere because they don’t want to drive and give up the parking space they have occupied the past seven years.


San Francisco has been rated as the healthiest city in the U.S. That is thanks to the obstacle course created by the homeless where locals have to watch their step to avoid all the sidewalk feces and discarded needles.


A study says robots can diagnose kids almost like a human doctor. Apparently they are excellent at detecting the presence of any cooties.


A study says boys who can’t pay attention in kindergarten earn less as adults. Who knew that skills during milk and cookies and finger painting could turn out to be so lucrative?


A study says men have higher expectations than women on Valentine’s Day. Mostly in fooling themselves into thinking roses and a lobster dinner automatically means they will get lucky.


A study says an ingredient in McDonald’s french fries may cure baldness. The problem is that a full head of hair still won’t get you dates when sporting Big Mac sauce stains on size 52 pants.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Valentine’s Day is just a couple of days away, so make sure to take care of your loved one. The best way of course being to tell them all about my daily comedy podcast News Jokes By Jim. It’s free, and will keep your significant other entertained during those times when you would otherwise be annoying them to where they just want to leave. All you have to do to preserve your relationship is click right here:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-2-10-2019/id1416271102?i=1000429572967&mt=2  Make sure you subscribe and spread the love around even more by telling all your friends to join in. Then all you need to do is remember to always keep on sending the love!

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