Sunday, February 10, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A male tiger at the London Zoo killed its new mate on their first meeting. Zoo officials say they should have been more careful in taking in the male when they found out its name is “O.J.”


A male tiger at the London Zoo killed its new mate on their first meeting. Unfortunately, that is the wild kingdom’s version of swiping left.


Claims are surfacing of Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar mistreating her staff. All those world leaders she has met to draw from and she takes her management skills from Naomi Campbell.


A top Saudi official is asking Congress to withhold judgment over Jamal Khashoggi until the judicial process has run its course. Meaning when the judges have made a decision that doesn’t result in their own heads being cut off.


A top Saudi official is asking Congress to withhold judgment over Jamal Khashoggi until the judicial process has run its course. Which for some reason has been getting almost no coverage by any Saudi journalists.


Kate Winslet says she held her breath for seven and a half minutes for her role in the sequel to “Avatar.” Mostly because she saw how Leonardo DiCaprio’s inability to do the same took him out of any chance of a follow up to “Titanic.”


Kate Winslet says she held her breath for seven and a half minutes for her role in the sequel to “Avatar.” It was the most anyone has held their breath for a movie other than the audience holding their noses for 90 minutes through every Adam Sandler film.


The Hubble Telescope has spotted huge storms on Neptune and Uranus. While there is nothing that can be done about Neptune, Uranus can always be fixed with a little Preparation H.


A 25 year old song called “Over Your Shoulder” has become a hit in Japan. Which was a surprise as it’s completely different than all other Japanese hits that are at least 400 years old.


A basic income trial in Finland has reportedly boosted happiness but not employment. Mostly because when people are already getting an income, what’s the point of going to work?


Lindsey Buckingham underwent emergency heart surgery that damaged his vocal chords. Which is why he got kicked out of Fleetwood Mac for now sounding too much like Stevie Nicks.


Tom Brady says he prepares for games with an altar, protection stones and mantras. Now that he is getting older he also takes Levitra so he can throw a football through a swinging tire.


Tom Brady says he prepares for games with an altar, protection stones and mantras. Then he goes into the equipment room and deflates all the footballs.


A Bingo brawl broke out at a Canadian retirement home between two women, 79 and 86. Fortunately there was no biting involved as both combatants left their teeth in their rooms.


A Bingo brawl broke out at a Canadian retirement home between two women, 79 and 86. They soon forgot what they were fighting about. Not because it was trivial, they just forgot.


Donald Trump had his annual physical with his doctor saying he is “in good health.” Although he is reportedly not keeping up with his exercise routine. It seems every time he tries to work out, he ends up hitting a wall.


Donald Trump had his annual physical with his doctor saying he is “in good health” but not keeping up with his exercise. Mostly because he counts it that he is already running in 2020.


A rare snow blanketed Washington state. To which Virginia politicians say the best way to make sure to be seen against that background is to cover your face with black makeup.


A Phoenix man bit off part of the ear of his boyfriend for cheating. It’s just never a good idea to be involved with someone getting their relationship advice from Mike Tyson.


A Kansas family is outraged that the medicine for their son’s disease went up from free to $375,000 a year. The company claims it was a pricing error, meaning they remembered the three zeroes but forgot to put the “375” ahead of them.


A Florida contractor who sold outdated body armor to the federal government has been convicted of fraud. Especially since it was so outdated, the armor came with a horse and lance.


A Saudi minister is denying his country was involved in leaking Jeff Bezos’ personal texts to the National Enquirer. To which even Anthony Weiner is asking how crazy is this getting.


A Saudi minister is denying his country was involved in leaking Jeff Bezos’ personal texts to the National Enquirer. The Saudis insist they don’t get involved in sending texts to journalists, they just dismember them with a bone cutter.


A UK school canceled a musical about Charles Darwin following complaints from Christian parents. Which turns out is the very definition of irony.


A UK school canceled a musical about Charles Darwin following complaints from Christian parents. It’s the one that isn’t over until the fat Neanderthal woman sings.


A French yellow vest protester suffered a hand injury in a clash with police. Apparently the protester was hurt from waving their white flag too hard.


Amazon is reconsidering a plan to put a campus in New York City. It turns out that AMI headquarters are also there which is just a little too close for comfort for Jeff Bezos.


HBO is set to air a documentary of Elizabeth Holmes’ Theranos scandal. She is famous for getting more blood out of her investors than even Donald Trump.


HBO is set to air a documentary of Elizabeth Holmes’ Theranos scandal. It was the biggest scam since being charged a monthly fee to watch old movies on HBO.


Payless ShoeSource is preparing for its second bankruptcy and more store closures. Apparently sales have gone down because the company is full of loafers.


Payless ShoeSource is preparing for its second bankruptcy and more store closures. The workers could end up on the street as thousands of lost soles.


A GOP negotiator says the chances of another government shutdown are “next to nil.” Which are exactly the same odds of Congress ever agreeing on a comprehensive immigration plan.


The IRS says the average tax refund has shrunk by $170 from last year. Which is sad knowing all those billionaires won’t have enough now to afford the yacht that comes with the custom steering wheel upgrade.


The IRS says the average tax refund has shrunk by $170 from last year. Mostly because of the tax code change that doesn’t allow deducting payments to online Nigerian princes.


The IRS says the average tax refund has shrunk by $170 from last year. Partly because of people using the scam software sold by Ukranian fishermen called “Turbot Tax.”


Last Saturday was National Pizza Day. Or as it is known since pot was legalized, pretty much now every day.


Automakers are recalling another 1.7 Million cars with defective Takata airbags. Why don’t they make it easier and just say don’t bring in the three cars that were made without Takata bags?


A poll says most Americans see the U.S. economy declining or slowing. It’s getting so bad that people can’t even afford to buy a new car to live in anymore.


Dallas schoolchildren are learning to spot signs of depression. It is usually manifested in those who keep insisting on wearing gear sporting the Cowboys logo.


Arizona is considering calling porn a public health crisis. Well, that would sure be a knee jerk reaction.


Arizona is considering calling porn a public health crisis. Which it already is, at least when your wife catches you looking at it.


Arizona is considering calling porn a public health crisis. Especially for those getting unsolicited emails from Amazon with the subject “pictures from Jeff Bezos.”


Hundreds rallied in Washington state to preserve the right not to vaccinate their children during a measles outbreak. To which most medical professionals hoped just one infected person would do them a favor and turn it into the biggest measles party in history.


Hundreds rallied in Washington state to preserve the right not to vaccinate their children during a measles outbreak. Which has researchers feverishly working on an inoculation for ignorance.


A UK man was impaled by the handlebars on his own bike after being hit by a car. Not to say where he was impaled, but he can’t sit down anymore without hearing a bell ringing.


A study says social media is not a trigger for teen depression. Mostly because the biggest cause of depression is being a teenager.


The Wizards John Wall is planning to complete his degree from the University of Kentucky while recovering from an injury. Apparently doctors must expect him to be out up to six years.


The Wizards John Wall is planning to complete his degree from the University of Kentucky while recovering from an injury. The only problem is that university officials aren’t sure how to proceed as they have never actually had an athlete graduate before.


Tony Romo withdrew from the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am. Based on the number of games he missed quarterbacking the Cowboys, it was surprising he didn’t predict the move.


Dabo Swinney says Clemson may have mistakenly given players banned substances before the playoffs. Or in other words, “Oops, we won the National Championship!”


The Raiders are negotiating to play at the Oakland Coliseum in 2019. Which will probably work out well for the Coliseum management considering they are bargaining with the same team that gave JaMarcus Russell a six year contract for $68 Million.


MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says the National League will not go with the designated hitter until at least 2022. Mostly because the pitchers there like having at least three more guaranteed strikeouts per game.


Ralph Northam says he will stay on the job and wants to engage in racial equity. Meaning someone has found pictures of him with a red, brown and yellow face.


A White House study says Donald Trump’s Obamacare reform will save Americans $450 Billion. Mostly because funerals are always much cheaper than medical bills.


A study says diverse wildlife is thriving at the Chernobyl nuclear disaster site. Scientists say they have already observed some three eyed blue jays, six-legged raccoons and a two-headed otter.


A study says diverse wildlife is thriving at the Chernobyl nuclear disaster site. Making it even easier for scientists to observe them at night is the fact all of them can also glow in the dark.


A study says food served at work is usually of a poor quality. Especially for the employees at Taco Bell, McDonald's and KFC.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! OK, football is done, baseball not that far away and I am going ahead and calling for the end of winter. I don’t see any more Arctic outbreaks, and once we get past the third week of February it can certainly get cold but not like the bone-chilling stuff we saw earlier in the year. So that is some good news. The other good news is that all these jokes are available every weekday on News Jokes By Jim, the best comedy podcast anywhere. Check it out. All you have to do to access it is click here:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-2-8-2019/id1416271102?i=1000429463184&mt=2  Super easy. Make sure to subscribe so all the episodes will go straight to your device, and make sure to tell all your friends to join in so those numbers just keep going up. That leaves plenty of time over the weekend to make sure to remember to always keep sending the love!

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