Wednesday, January 09, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio is guaranteeing free healthcare for all New Yorkers. Mostly preventative care in telling people not to walk through the Bronx at night.


New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio is guaranteeing free healthcare for all New Yorkers. Which may give some of them the chance to now actually be able to afford their rent, food, utilities, clothes…


The Dallas Morning News is laying off dozens because of a revenue decline. They say things should be OK at least as long as the Cowboys are still in the playoffs.


The Dallas Morning News is laying off dozens because of a revenue decline. The worst part is they found out through Google News.


A report says “slow morning” enthusiasts escape the tech obsession by waking early and meditating, reading and exercising. Those people are otherwise known as “childless.”


A report says “slow morning” enthusiasts escape the tech obsession by waking early and meditating, reading and exercising. Mostly because they have the time to do that ever since they became unemployed.


A study says positive thinking is the key to a healthy old age. Mostly by keeping positive about living long enough to qualify for Medicare and Social Security.


A study says positive thinking is the key to a healthy old age. Especially the ones who stay positive about living until their projected retirement age of 93.


An autonomous promobot was struck and destroyed by a self-driving Tesla in Las Vegas. Which could result in the first ever robot-on-robot negligent homicide trial in history.


An autonomous promobot was struck and destroyed by a self-driving Tesla in Las Vegas. The Tesla was taken into custody for vehicular homicide as it was using fuel with 10% ethanol.


Hyundai has revealed a “walking” concept car that could respond to natural disasters. Which is completely against all the ideas of why cars were invented in the first place.


Hyundai has revealed a “walking” concept car that could respond to natural disasters. As opposed to people who own and end up walking away from the natural disaster known as a Kia.


A $1,500 a month dog day care center has opened in San Francisco. The irony is the customers are the same people who constantly complain about the city’s homeless problem.


Police carried a woman off the field after she rushed on at the beginning of the National Championship Game between Clemson and Alabama. The sad part is that she accumulated more yards than Alabama quarterback Tua Tagovailoa.


Sears is asking a bankruptcy judge for approval of liquidation. Which is ironic as that has pretty much what Sears has been doing over the past 25 years.


A report says the top 20% of households pay 88% of all federal income tax. Mostly because they are making 88% of all the country’s income.


A report says the top 20% of households pay 88% of all federal income tax. What’s worse is that they are mad at their tax preparers because they feel they should be paying closer to zero.


Democrats are reportedly eyeing a 33% corporate tax rate hike. Which companies are against as they need all that money to pay the salaries of their CEOs and top executives.


A report says the U.S. cancer rate has fallen to a 25 year low. Mostly because people are dying of heart disease, diabetes and strokes before they live long enough to develop cancer.


A report says more Democrats identify themselves as liberal for the first time instead of moderate or conservative. Mostly because Republicans have moved so far to the right that what used to be moderate or conservative now falls into liberal territory.


The first nude restaurant in Paris has closed after 15 months for a lack of customers. Mostly because once the first batch of diners left, no one else wanted to sit in their chairs.


The first nude restaurant in Paris has closed after 15 months for a lack of customers. Mostly because seeing a few 300 pound diners come in naked pretty much ruined most appetites even before they could get to the appetizers.


The first nude restaurant in Paris has closed after 15 months for a lack of customers. Mostly because no one wants to see frog legs at a French restaurant unless they are on a plate.


A “confused” 86 year old California woman was arrested for beating her husband to death with a cane. Apparently she was confused in the fact that she meant to do it with a baseball bat.


The head of the Russian Orthodox Church is warning the “Antichrist” will control humans through gadgets. Which people already know as Donald Trump’s Twitter account.


The head of the Russian Orthodox Church is warning the “Antichrist” will control humans through gadgets. No one had any idea Revelations was all about the Mario Brothers.


Amazon has topped Microsoft as the world’s most valuable company at $797 Billion. Although after taking away Jeff Bezos’ stock value, that puts the company’s worth down to $27.56


Magic mushroom legalization is closer to reality in Denver. Which ironically, reality is what people are looking to get away from when they take some magic mushrooms.


Magic mushroom legalization is closer to reality in Denver. They are just months into legalizing pot and they’re already into mushrooms, and looking forward next to meth, heroin and LSD.


A report says carbon dioxide emissions saw their biggest spike ever in 2018. To which environmentalists are telling everyone “Quit exhaling!”


A report says carbon dioxide emissions saw their biggest spike ever in 2018. Apparently it’s coming from all that hot air spewing out about building a wall.


A report says CO2 emissions saw their biggest spike ever in 2018. Which is good because it will take the place of all that oxygen in the air that is responsible for the California wildfires.


A far-right German lawmaker was severely beaten in Bremen. Although his ideology is to the right , his attackers were more even-handed with a combination of several rights and lefts.


Two Mississippi girls, 12 and 14 are accused of shooting their mother to death after they tried to run her over with her car and she punished them by taking away their cellphones. It’s too bad she didn’t think about taking away access to the car and guns.


The Clemson flag is flying over the State House in South Carolina following their National Championship win. Which is nice for them to finally be able to display a winning banner after flying the Confederate flag there for 150 years.


A Texas man who is believed to have sent a resume to ISIS has been captured in Syria. The question being what site did he access to find an employment seeking account with ISIS?


A Texas man who is believed to have sent a resume to ISIS has been captured in Syria. He was caught after looking up resume writing tips for ISIS suggesting using enhancing words like “suicide bombings,” “beheading” and “jihad.”


A report says the healthcare industry spends $300 Billion a year on marketing. And that’s just for the parts of the commercials where they list all of a drug’s side effects that can kill you.


A report says the healthcare industry spends $300 Billion a year on marketing. Mostly explaining what they could do to cure you if you could only afford some health insurance.


A report says economists say a border wall would be a waste of money. But then, what government project isn’t?


The IRS says tax refunds will go out even if the government remains shut down. Mostly because Donald Trump is making sure all the billionaires will get all the cash they have coming back with their income tax cuts.


23andMe is adding weight loss advice to its DNA testing services. Mainly saying that your genes are the reason you can’t fit into your jeans.


23andMe is adding weight loss advice to its DNA testing services. Especially to clients whose DNA is found all over several cartons of Ben & Jerry’s Caramel Chocolate Cheesecake.


A Silicon Valley house is selling for $1.6 Million despite having no kitchen. Which is perfect for people who get free food every day because they work at Facebook, Google or Twitter.


A Silicon Valley house is selling for $1.6 Million despite having no kitchen. There’s a word for a house with no kitchen. It’s called a garage.


Harley-Davidson is taking orders for their first electric motorcycle which is selling for $30,000. Which is great for adventurous older riders looking for pretty much a souped up Rascal Scooter.


A Nebraska man says his recovery after being declared brain dead is “proof of God.” Although if the man really thinks that proves the existence of God, why is he still stuck in Nebraska?


A Nebraska man says his recovery after being declared brain dead is “proof of God.” His next hope is he can get God to help him out on paying off all his hospital bills.


An Artificial Intelligence test can reportedly look at a person’s face and identify genetic diseases. Which at this point is mostly just acne.


A study says a fluctuating income is bad for the wallet but also a person’s health. Which is why those Uber drivers don’t always look so well between fares.


A study says a fluctuating income is bad for the wallet but also a person’s health. Apparently being always rich or broke means having no worries about your future financial status.


A “sonic attack” that affected U.S. embassy workers in Cuba turns out to possibly have just been crickets. When the study was read to the workers, their reaction was pretty much crickets.


A “sonic attack” that affected U.S. embassy workers in Cuba turns out to possibly have just been crickets. To which those who were affected are saying “That’s not cricket!”


Margot Robbie will star in a live-action “Barbie” movie. Don’t we already have that? It’s called every Rom-Com ever made.


Kevin Spacey was pulled over for speeding right after a court appearance in Washington, D.C. He wasn’t ticketed but will be questioned over a driver’s license identifying him as Keyser Soze.


Kevin Spacey was pulled over for speeding right after a court appearance in Washington, D.C. He wasn’t ticketed, but police were concerned that he seemed to be acting very Spacey.


Jerry Jones bought a 357 foot yacht with two helipads. The most popular suggested name for the ship being “In Lieu of Super Bowl.”


Jerry Jones bought a 357 foot yacht with two helipads. At 119 yards long, that could be more total yardage than the Cowboys will be able to gain against the Rams.


Bears kicker Cody Parkey’s miss was changed to a block. Which means he hit the trifecta of a hand, the upright and crossbar on the same kick.


The Raiders new GM Mike Mayock says coach Jon Gruden will have the final say on all personnel. Bringing up the question then why do the Raiders even need a GM?


Ron DeSantis made an inauguration promise to resolve “leaving Florida to God better than we found it.” With all the hurricanes, gun violence and theme parks, how tough can that be?


Mitch McConnell is accusing Democrats of trying to shut down the Senate. The question being, how could anyone even tell?


A Fox News poll says 39% of voters think that Donald Trump will be reelected. Which is good news for Trump as that is the same number of voters who got him in office in the first place.


Paul Manafort claims he is suffering from anxiety and depression behind bars. Which is called just one of the downsides of being a prisoner.


Paul Manafort claims he is suffering from anxiety and depression behind bars. Apparently he is tired of wearing orange jumpsuits and misses all of his ostrich and python skin jackets.


A report says the government shutdown over the border wall is taking a toll on U.S. air travel. Just how high does Donald Trump want to build that thing?


A report says more adults are identifying as independents instead of Democrats or Republicans. Mostly because associating with either party is more embarrassing than just sounding completely clueless.


A sorority at the University of Virginia says it is being punished for “hazing” members by requiring them to study 25 hours a week. Of course, that was after drinking 18 shots of vodka.


Florida is looking at putting up suicide prevention barriers on the Sunshine Skyway Bridge. How bad have things gotten when you want to die on something called the Sunshine Skyway Bridge?


A study says pro sports teams create a positive mood throughout a city. Except in Buffalo, where even if a team wins the people still have to face that they are living in Buffalo.


A study says pro sports teams create a positive mood throughout a city. Except in Cincinnati, where they are still waiting to actually have the chance to find out.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! If making it all the way through the blog is rough on the eyes, how about switching the burden to your ears? Just try out my daily podcast, News Jokes By Jim which has all these jokes in audio form. To access it, just click here:   https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-1-8-2019/id1416271102?i=1000427249521&mt=2  Now you can listen to it at home, in the office or in the car on the way to the office or home. It’s nice to have a choice. Plus, you can have it delivered to any device by just subscribing. Don’t forget to tell all your friends to let them in on the funny stuff as well. Of course, I would also appreciate you remembering to always keep on sending the love!