Friday, January 11, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Jeff Bezos is dating news anchor Lauren Sanchez. The TV station she works at will be in a tough negotiating position for her next contract over salary when she has the option of just hanging out with a billionaire.

Jeff Bezos is dating news anchor Lauren Sanchez. Most people thought he would date a WWE star who has the build of a large female warrior, built maybe like some kind of Amazon.

Donald Trump is accusing the press of working with the Democrats. If that’s true, hopefully it wasn’t because he did something to drive them away, like call them the “enemy of the people.”

Donald Trump is accusing the press of working with the Democrats. That doesn’t include Fox News which quit being part of the press when they became an official arm of the West Wing.

Japan is charging all visitors a departure fee called the “Sayonara tax.” Which Donald Trump may adopt to charge illegal immigrants for deportation costs and call it the “Adios amigos tax.”

The TSA says floppy eared security dogs appear friendly and less aggressive. Which means the TSA should start trying to hire some floppy eared agents.

A Russian hunter accidentally killed his 18 year old son that he mistook for a moose. Apparently they should have had his antlers removed before it got to hunting season.

A study says a prototype steel border wall can be sawed through. Which proves right all the people who “sawed right through” that plan when it was first suggested.

Sex toys are reportedly some of the most popular items at the Las Vegas tech show. Which is amazing that with all the devices hooking people up to online dating sites, people still would rather have sex with a machine.

Frontier Airlines is encouraging passengers to tip flight attendants. Especially for those with an aisle seat who want to guarantee the drink cart won’t come crashing into their knees.

Frontier Airlines is encouraging passengers to tip flight attendants. The question being why would anyone want to give a reward for being given a small seat, warm drink and lousy service? It’s like tipping at a McDonald’s just because it’s 30,000 feet in the air.

A Norwegian billionaire’s wife was kidnapped in October and is being held for a $10 Million ransom. It’s taken so long because the billionaire is thinking so far it’s a lot cheaper than getting a divorce.

A Norwegian billionaire’s wife was kidnapped in October and is being held for a $10 Million ransom. The kidnappers aren’t too bright. If they wanted the big money right now, they should have taken his girlfriend.

The U.S. is being forecast to drop to the world’s third largest economy by 2030. Mostly because economists realize if Donald Trump builds his wall it will keep out all the cheap labor keeping American businesses afloat.

The U.S. is being forecast to drop to the world’s third largest economy by 2030 behind China and India. We should have known there had to be a bad side to outsourcing them all our jobs.

A report says White House lawyers are preparing a defense of Donald Trump’s executive privilege. Which is the same strategy that worked so well for Richard Nixon back in 1974.

Scientists are seeking ways to take real measurements of pain. Which Dick Cheney says is exactly what they were on track to do with all that waterboarding.

Scientists are seeking ways to take real measurements of pain. Which can be easily determined just by how much the doctors overcharge the patients on their medical bill.

A venture capitalist says AI will displace 40% of the world’s jobs in the next 15 years. Wait until he realizes being a venture capitalist can be replaced with just a pile of cash and algorithm.

A study says 78% of U.S. workers are living paycheck to paycheck. The other 22% are living handout to handout.

Coast Guard families are being told to get through the shutdown by holding garage sales, babysitting and work at their hobbies. Although most are realizing that since there is no Coast Guard, they can make a fortune smuggling drugs ashore.

Starbucks is installing needle disposal boxes in some bathrooms. Mostly for their customers who are addicted to substances other than pumpkin spice and caffeine.

A Pennsylvania woman broke into a police station looking for an officer she wanted to date. She could have just instead walked into a donut shop and had her choice of 20 of them.

A Chicago couple’s National Park wedding may be cancelled because of the government shutdown. Although if they wanted to get married in a place overrun with sewage, garbage and dirty water they could instead just fly over to France.

A trial has begun in the heist of a $4 Million 24” diameter gold coin in Germany. The thieves were caught when they couldn’t find a vending machine with a large enough slot for it to fit.

A trial has begun in the heist of a $4 Million 24” diameter gold coin in Germany. It turns out the thieves took it because they thought under the gold was a huge amount of chocolate.

Swedish officials have blocked a man’s request for a car license plate saying “Christ.” They didn’t want people to think the car was broken down whenever it was parked mistaking it for saying “Chrysler.”

Police in Texas are using cardboard cutouts of police officers to crack down on speeding. In order to get men to slow down, they should just place cardboard cutouts of naked women.

Lessie Brown, the oldest woman in the U.S. has died at 114 in Cleveland. The sad part is she wasn’t able to live long enough to see her life’s dream, which was to make it out of Cleveland.

A study says many U.S. schools have too much lead in their water and are not testing for it. Which is strange since it’s the one test most of them could actually get high marks on.

A study says many U.S. schools have too much lead in their water and are not testing for it. The sad part is when schools have bottled water next to the drinking fountain with kids getting the choice of “regular” or “unleaded.”

A report says alumni donations can improve college ratings and prestige. Mostly just in knowing the school graduates students who were actually able to pay off their college tuition loans.

Tesla has stopped selling their cheapest Model S and Model X vehicles. Mostly because no matter what the price, those buying the Model S at some point end up feeling burned.

A study is looking at if specific activities on social media are related to major depressive disorder in Millennials. Although it’s not like Millennials get depressed if the restaurant they are at has temporarily run out of guacamole.

A study is looking at if specific activities on social media are related to major depressive disorder in Millennials. Those activities mostly being on social media all day because they have no job and haven’t talked to a real person in three years.

A study says the U.S. fertility rate is below the level needed to replace the population. Which is being welcomed in Southern California as finally a way to clear up traffic on the 405 Freeway.

A study says the U.S. fertility rate is below the level needed to replace the population. Which means with all that extra room, who needs a wall to keep out all the migrants?

Surgeries in Mexico are linked to antibiotic-resistant infections in the U.S. Especially those cut-rate operating rooms where they perform operations on three patients all at the same time.

Surgeries in Mexico are linked to antibiotic-resistant infections in the U.S. Especially where the nurses come to the operating room straight from their job at the strip club.

Surgeries in Mexico are linked to antibiotic-resistant infections in the U.S. But only for the patients lucky enough to survive the operation.

A single mom in Georgia says she is relying on her faith to find a kidney donor. Then in a real test of her faith, she is hoping her insurance company will actually pay for it.

A report says medicinal pot patients admit they drive while they are high. How else are they going to get to the store for pizza, donuts and cookies?

Peter Meldrum, who lost a fight to patent genes has died at 71. Unfortunately for him, he was trying to patent the genes that would have helped him live to at least 80.

Peter Meldrum, who lost a fight to patent genes has died at 71. Apparently he was just too late, coming in behind Levi’s, Guess and Wrangler.

A study says sleep patterns may offer clues to Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially for those who keep waking up in the wrong bed every morning.

The stars of “The Big Bang Theory” gave interviews revealing what is next for them when the show ends. Which shouldn’t be anything more than collecting royalty checks on their private Caribbean island.

A poll says 95% of NFL players say Colin Kaepernick deserves a roster spot. The other 5% say they are still holding out hope for a comeback by Tim Tebow.

Ryan Leaf paid the mortgage of a furloughed park ranger during the shutdown. Which is very generous of Leaf, considering he was shut down back in 2001.

The San Francisco Giants are changing the name of their ballpark to Oracle Park in a 20 year deal for $300 Million. Which if the company had a real oracle guiding them, it would probably say to not invest $300 Million with a team that can’t get out of the cellar.

The San Francisco Giants are changing the name of their ballpark to Oracle Park in a 20 year deal for $300 Million. Mostly because Oracle couldn’t resist a bargain like that considering rent on a studio apartment in the Marina would run about the same price.

The San Francisco Giants are changing the name of their ballpark to Oracle Park in a 20 year deal for $300 Million. AT&T didn’t renew, or in other words their connection was dropped.

After a beef with a college student, Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer has vowed to use Twitter more responsibly in the future. The last time someone was that irresponsible on social media, they ended up getting sent for four years to the White House.

The chairman of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has called for an end to the government shutdown. How bad is it when our country’s leaders are getting lectured on their behavior by the Catholic Church?

Iowa Representative Steve King is asking when the term “white supremacist” became offensive. The question being if whites are so supreme, how did Steve King manage to move up so far?

The Pentagon is preparing for the option of building a border wall if Donald Trump declares a national emergency. Which our nation’s military will not call it a wall as much as a national D-Fence.

Donald Trump claims he never said Mexico would “write out a check” to pay for the wall. He was thinking it would come more in the form of a pinata full of pesos.

Donald Trump claims he never said Mexico would “write out a check” to pay for the wall. He was thinking it would be more of a digital transaction on their “PayAmigo” account.

A report says 43 Million people watched Donald Trump’s Oval Office address on the border wall. Mostly all the furloughed federal workers who had nothing else to do during the evening.

Donald Trump says it will be “very surprising” if he doesn’t declare a national emergency to build a border wall. How bad is it getting when his own behavior is even a surprise to himself?

A study says Florida ranks last in the U.S. for senior safety. Apparently that is the exception to the rule where there is supposed to be safety in numbers.

A study says the Sun will turn into a giant crystal ball when it dies. Which can then be used by fortune tellers to predict the future after that looks pretty cold and dark.

A study says the Sun will turn into a giant crystal ball when it dies. To which Republicans are saying that’s all we have to do is wait for that and global warming is over.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Time for a weekend. Which gives you plenty of time to catch up on some of the back episodes of News Jokes By Jim, my daily comedy podcast. In order to access it, just click here:   https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-1-10-2018/id1416271102?i=1000427390940&mt=2  Make sure to subscribe so all the episodes will be sent straight to your devices and also tell all your friends. And of course, always remember to keep on sending the love!

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