Thursday, January 10, 2019

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Jeff Bezos and his wife are getting divorced. Apparently he made the mistake of celebrating every Valentine’s Day, birthday and Christmas by giving her a gift from Amazon.

Jeff Bezos and his wife are getting divorced. Apparently she ran off with Fabio dressed as a porch pirate.

Jeff Bezos and his wife are getting divorced. They will more than likely end up splitting their $110 Billion fortune, to which Bill Gates is saying “I win!”

The U.S. is reportedly in danger of losing its Triple A sovereign credit rating this year. It’s getting so bad that Congress may have to do all their business using a Discover Card.

The U.S. is reportedly in danger of losing its Triple A sovereign credit rating this year. The question being how did we ever keep that rating this long with a $22 Trillion national debt?

A rare 1943 U.S. penny could sell for as much as $1.7 Million at auction. Although it would be worth ten times that amount if the owner had invested it in Google stock back in 1998.

A report says many Millennials expect to die without ever paying off their debt. Which is even worse for their parents knowing their kids will be stuck in their basement the next 40 years.

A 50 year old French author says he is “incapable” of falling in love with a woman his own age, saying they are too old to love. What do you call a 50 year old author who insists on being with a 25 year old woman? Lonely.

A 50 year old French author says he is “incapable” of falling in love with a woman his own age, saying they are too old to love. That’s the kind of attitude that could end up getting you elected President of the United States.

A UK mathematician bride made guests complete math questions to find their seat at the reception. What was worse was her figuring out how much half of her husband’s net worth she would be getting in another three years.

A report says Donald Trump is undecided on declaring a state of emergency about the border. Which kind of means that it must not be a real emergency.

The American Psychological Association says traditional masculinity is harmful, leading to homophobia and sexual harassment. Which is no surprise since both those traits are pretty much the very definition of traditional masculinity.

The Alabama Emergency Management Agency issued a warning for people not to eat chicken tenders spilled on a highway. Which people ignored since it was still within the five second rule.

The Alabama Emergency Management Agency issued a warning for people not to eat chicken tenders spilled on a highway. Which in Alabama falls under the definition of “urban roadkill.”

A survey says Americans are warming to the use of facial recognition technology. Mostly because they consider it just like selfies only taken by other people.

Hong Kong is moving to criminalize disrespect for the Chinese National Anthem. Which is too bad as it is happening right when Colin Kaepernick was ready to sign with a Hong Kong team.

Iran’s Supreme Leader called U.S. officials “First class idiots.” To which the U.S. was pleased, saying at least Iran now considers us first class.

A report says furloughed federal workers are driving for Lyft and Uber during the shutdown. Even better is that since Donald Trump also laid off all his chauffeurs, they get a chance to take a turn behind the wheel of the Presidential Limousine.

Author Brad Meltzer’s latest book is about a secret plot to kill George Washington. To which the Secret Service is saying “A little late, pal.”

Author Brad Meltzer’s latest book is about a secret plot to kill George Washington. Next he will be working on a similar plan to try to take out Abraham Lincoln.

A report says bacteria on the International Space Station is adapting to survive in the harsh environment in space. Meaning astronauts are being warned to not get anywhere near the on board astronaut used diaper pail.

A report says bacteria on the International Space Station is adapting to the harsh space environment. Apparently once they make it through a United Airlines flight they can survive pretty much anything.

Donald Trump is threatening to cut off FEMA funds from California for fire relief, claiming they are a result of bad forest management. Which means all he needs to do for border security is let in the immigrants to rake the forest floors.

The U.S. is advising all citizens in the Congo to depart the country because of the outcome of the presidential election. Which ironically, the presidential election here was the reason many of them left the U.S. for the Congo.

An Oklahoma woman was fined after bragging about poaching a deer to a game warden on a dating app. Which dating app has people talking about deer, OK Comet and Cupid?

An Oklahoma woman was fined after bragging about poaching a deer to a game warden on a dating app. That will teach her to swipe left on users before making any criminal confessions.

France and German are set to sign a new cooperative accord. Which hopefully will work out better than the last time France cooperated with Germany in World War II when Marshal Petain said “Our country is your country!”

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is proposing a law giving all New Yorkers two weeks paid vacation. Mostly so they can use that time to work two weeks somewhere else and make some extra cash to pay their bills.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is proposing a law giving all New Yorkers two weeks paid vacation. Especially the people on unemployment, disability and welfare who can use a break from just sitting around the homeless shelter.

The FDA is warning that chocolate from a Kentucky company that is sold on QVC may be tainted with Hepatitis A. Which most women are saying that’s a chance they have to take.

A study says nearly three quarters of executives pick proteges that look just like them. Which is true in the case of Donald Trump, with his proteges Don, Jr., Eric and Ivanka.

Apple is giving CEO Tim Cook a 22% pay raise. Showing that even the company’s chief executive comes overpriced.

Male workers at a long term care facility in Phoenix are facing DNA tests after a comatose patient gave birth. It’s the first time paternity tests were given over a comatose woman since the cast of “Jersey Shore.”

California has introduced a bill banning paper receipts. Although people there like paper receipts because they use up more trees, which means fewer forests and less chances of any wildfires.

Oral-B dental floss is linked to toxic chemicals. Which turns out could affect as many as three people across Alabama, Georgia and Mississippi.

A UK woman was accidentally provided erectile dysfunction cream for an eye condition. Which means somewhere some poor guy is frustrated trying to improve his sex life with Visine.

Studies say that Botox may be used to treat migraines. Mostly because it’s hard to feel all that bad when your face is frozen in a smile 24 hours a day.

A report says FDA employees think the government shutdown could be deadly. Meaning the more FDA workers are furloughed, the more Taco Bell restaurants are staying open.

A study says even older drugs are getting steep price hikes. Which is really bad when people find they have to pay more out of pocket even for penicillin, cortisone and quinine.

A former LSU football player had his leg amputated after being shot by his dog while hunting. Ironically, it was the same dog that kept him from graduating by always eating his homework.

A 90 year old cyclist lost a title after testing positive for a controlled substance. The worst part was the race took an hour to complete, with another three hours trying to pee in the cup.

Randy Johnson’s 25,000 square foot Arizona mansion is up for auction. The problem selling the 6’10” pitcher’s home is 15 foot ceilings, 3 foot high stairs and door knobs 5 feet above the floor.

A Chilean tennis pro has been suspended two and a half years for failing to cooperate in an investigation by the Tennis Integrity Unit. The real problem is that being ranked number 663 in the world means if he is cheating he needs to learn to do it better.

California Governor Gavin Newsom is pushing a bill to limit gun sales to one a month per person. The good news being any less than that would force the shutdown of the mail order Gun of the Month Club.

Donald Trump says furloughed workers could get back pay. Meaning they will get paid when they get back to work.

Donald Trump says furloughed workers could get back pay. To which all the government employees are saying “We now support the shutdown for as long as it takes!”

Donald Trump concedes the border wall is a “Medieval” solution. No one knew that when Trump said he would make America great again, he meant how it was in the 14th century.

A study says the effects of global warming are equal to an atomic bomb explosion ever second for 150 years. Which turns out to be exactly the same as Donald Trump’s foreign and defense policy plans.

The last known Hawaiian tree snail known as Lonely George has died at age 14. At least it was able to live out its final request to do some traveling, making it all the way three feet from home.

A report says some Samsung phone owners can’t delete the Facebook app. Which takes up space on their phone they were going to use for Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, Pinterest…

The Nissan Leaf electric car is boasting a 40% increase in its range. Meaning Nissan has installed a 40% longer extension cord.

The Nissan Leaf electric car is boasting a 40% increase in its range. Although there is still a 40% lower chance of ever having a woman riding along in the car on a date.

Mark Zuckerberg is planning public tech discussions this year. Which hearing Mark Zuckerberg talking about tech sounds almost as exciting as hearing Mark Zuckerberg talk about Mark Zuckerberg.

A study says excessive body fat may mean lower brain volume. And vice versa.

A study says excessive body fat may mean lower brain volume. Because how much brain power do you really need to sit on the couch, play video games and open a gallon of Ben & Jerry’s?

A study has been funded that will examine the quality of life in Tulsa. Which is interesting just in hearing “quality,” “life” and “Tulsa” mentioned in the same sentence.

A study says people over 65 share the most fake news with others. Mostly because that is all they know as they are the key demographic for Fox News.

A study says a lifetime of smoking in Florida costs $1.7 Million. But that’s only when your wife catches you having a cigarette after sex with your girlfriend.

A study says cholesterol levels tend to spike after Christmas. Then they peak again around Valentine’s Day, Easter, Memorial Day, the 4th of July, Labor Day, Halloween and Thanksgiving.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! More jokes than you can shake a stick at. But please, don’t shake a stick at my jokes. Instead, you can always try my daily podcast News Jokes By Jim which is all this stuff in audio form. Just click on this link:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/news-jokes-by-jim-1-9-2019/id1416271102?i=1000427317829&mt=2  If you subscribe, you will get the latest episode sent right to your device where you can listen at home, in the car or in the office. All those places where you need a distraction to drown out the annoying noises. That will free up some time where you will still be able to remember to always keep on sending the love!

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