Thursday, August 09, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Ariana Grande injured her hand while shooting an episode of “Carpool Karaoke” with James Corden. So did thousands of viewers who were furiously pushing on the remote to hit “mute.”


Bartolo Colon set a record for the most wins by a pitcher born in Latin America. He also set the record for most wins by someone from Latin America who was born before it was discovered as part of the New World.


A Maryland man tried to take his driver’s license test in a car carrying a pound of marijuana. The examiner got suspicious during the test when the man just kept driving around the parking lot of a pizzeria.


Amazon has stopped recommending any Alex Jones Infowars products. It’s almost like they are a part of some vast conspiracy against him.


A report says civil war is brewing in Iran. The only question is how could anyone even tell?


A report says civil war is brewing in Iran. Which shows U.S. efforts to make the Middle East more like America are working.


A report says the national debt is about to come back to life as a pressing political issue. The question being at $20 Trillion, when did it really ever go away?


Ford is celebrating its ten millionth Mustang. In a related story, Buick is celebrating its tenth Cascada.


Ford is celebrating its ten millionth Mustang. Meanwhile, in another Detroit milestone Chrysler is celebrating its ten millionth recall.


Ford is celebrating its ten millionth Mustang. Although it’s the ten millionth Mustang coming off the assembly line. The problem is they have only sold three million.


Experts say eating in Venezuela hospitals is a health risk. As is doing anything in a Venezuela hospital.


Experts say eating in Venezuela hospitals is a health risk. The question being which hospital is eating the food not a health risk?


Experts say eating in Venezuela hospitals is a health risk. Which it turns out that most of their patients were just visitors who decided to grab lunch in the hospital cafeteria.


Apple CEO Tim Cook says he is worried that humanity is “being drained out of music.” Pretty much the same way that Apple’s gadgets have drained the soul out of humanity.


Apple CEO Tim Cook says he is worried that humanity is “being drained out of music.” Which means he is showing his age when starting off every conversation about music with “Back in my day we had REAL music…”


Michael Cohen is under investigation for tax fraud. It serves him right. Anyone who would pay $130,000 out of their own pocket for hush money to a porn star from the President of the U.S. just tends to look a little bit suspicious.


A study says eating crickets every day is a way to improve digestive health. Ironically, the announcement was met with the sound of crickets chirping.


A study says eating crickets every day is a way to improve digestive health. Which was welcomed by supporters of the idea with a cry of “By Jiminy!”


A study says eating crickets every day is a way to improve digestive health. The diet is going by the working title of “Day of the Locust.”


A poll says 43% of Republicans want to give Donald Trump the power to shut down the media. The other 57% listen only to Fox News and thought he already did.


A report says Google is consuming one third of people’s digital time. The worst part is the report contains information that was all looked up on Google.


The DHS says 600,000 foreigners overstayed their U.S. visas last year. And you thought some of your relatives lingered too long after Thanksgiving dinner.


The DHS says 600,000 foreigners overstayed their U.S. visas last year. Mostly because as far as Donald Trump is concerned, as soon as they cross the border they have overstayed their welcome.


South Carolina lawyers want 900 grand jury indictments tossed as they were issued with an average time spent on each of 39 seconds. Even Judge Judy takes at least one commercial break before declaring everyone guilty.


The DHS says there has been a drop in legal attempts to cross the U.S. and Mexico border. Mostly because the White House considers the only legal attempts to cross the border are the ones where people are heading south.


A report says investment and banking fees could cost people up to six figures over their lifetime. Especially paying fees for investment advice telling them to buy more Facebook stock.


A report says investment and banking fees could cost people up to six figures over their lifetime. The sad part is that most of the fees being charged against them by their bank is for overdrafts.


The CEO of CVS says “Don’t blame us” for high drug prices. He says that is the fault of the pharmaceutical companies and that his company only gouges customers on beauty products, household supplies and sundries.


A report says following Kroger’s strike back at Visa’s credit card fees, the battle may get worse. And you thought the fight over plastic in grocery stores got got intense over shopping bags.


The California Coastal Commission could force a $25 Million beachfront house to be bulldozed. Apparently the other property owners in the area are embarrassed to have a neighborhood house that is worth the same as a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.


Verizon is being accused of “grossly overstating” their 4G coverage area. As opposed to AT&T which grossly overstates whenever they claim to have any 4G coverage.


Twitter is defending giving Alex Jones of Infowars a platform. Mostly because Twitter has taken on the role of being the last bastion as the voice of the crazies.


Twitter is defending giving Alex Jones of Infowars a platform. Mostly because it’s tough to turn anyone down to say what they want once you have given carte blanche to Donald Trump.


CVS will offer digital doctor visits using a smartphone. The only problem for men will be having to get a new phone after needing a prostate exam.


CVS will offer digital doctor visits using a smartphone. The problem is when the diagnosis is terminal, the doctor lets the patient know by swiping left.


A study says that 25% of online daters pursue users who are “out of their league.” Which goes up to 99% pursuing people out of their league for the ones who are actually honest with their pictures and profile.


Facebook has pulled ads for teddy bears made out of raw chicken. So far the favorite names for those who were able to place orders are “Salmon” for boys and “Ella” for girls.


A study says sleeping more than ten hours a day makes a person 30% more likely to die prematurely. The good news for the ones who die early is at least they got in plenty of practice.


Contaminated food served following a funeral in Peru killed nine mourners. The good news is since the deceased were already at the funeral home, they all qualified for the same day group rate.


Contaminated food served following a funeral in Peru killed nine mourners. The good news is that the families and friends didn’t have to go far or make a special trip for the additional burials.


Bethenny Frankel says the other stars of the “Real Housewives” franchise can’t afford the lives they are living. Which is apparently why they are busy racking up so many divorces to have enough alimony coming in to pay all their bills.


A report says Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin were seen crying on a bike ride in New York City. Apparently Bieber was frustrated that Baldwin was able to go through the entire ride without training wheels.


A report says Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin were seen crying on a bike ride in New York City. Apparently Bieber suddenly came to the realization that after he marries Baldwin, he will have Alec Baldwin as his father-in-law.


Jerry O’Connell says Kelly Ripa prepped him for a talk show career. Which Michael Strahan will tell you means she fired him without telling him about it.


Defending PGA Champion Justin Thomas says he is inspired by his grandparents. Which may explain why the average round on the PGA Tour now takes five and a half hours.


The NCAA will change its rules so athletes can hire an agent without losing their eligibility. Which wouldn’t even be a problem is if once in awhile they would ever hire a tutor.


Five people have been charged with trafficking $73 Million worth of Air Jordans. Taking the retail price of Air Jordans into consideration, that makes for more than seven pairs.


A minor league baseball manager ripped out third base during an argument and gave it to a kid in the stands. It was the first time someone on a team got to third base during a game with a fan since Darryl Strawberry.


The announcer for the Atlanta Braves backtracked after accusing 19 year old Juan Soto of lying about his age. What’s worse is that just three years ago, Soto appeared in the Little League World Series.


The Harlem Globetrotters Bull Bullard successfully made a trick shot from an airplane flying at 70 mph. Not only that, after making the shot he was able to spot a deserted island from the plane and rescue seven castaways.


Tiger Woods says he is taking ice baths in preparation for the PGA Championship. The sad part is he could have avoided a lot of trouble if along the way he had only taken a few cold showers.


A survey says three quarters of Americans try to eat locally produced foods. Which is why so many people have been moving close to the factories where they make Oreos, Doritos and Hostess cupcakes.


The White House says Rand Paul asked for a letter from Donald Trump introducing him to Vladimir Putin. Apparently it has something to do with wanting to hire a couple of KGB agents to take care of a neighbor.


Texas Representative Louie Gohmert says Robert Mueller won’t stop until he gets an indictment of Donald Trump, claiming it is because Trump didn’t appoint him to lead the FBI. Which is a warning to all potential employers to beware of any job applicants you don’t hire.


New York City has voted to limit the number of ride sharing vehicles like Uber and Lyft. Apparently they figure if they cut down on the number of cars, it will drop the ride time from Midtown to the Battery to a little over five hours.


A chef at a restaurant in Maine discovered a rare cotton candy-colored lobster in their tank. Which normally if anything a lobster would be more colored like saltwater taffy.


Hackers hit the PGA’s computer system locking them out of files for ransom. It was the biggest incident of a hacker with the PGA since Charles Barkley was allowed to play in a pro-am.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As soon as I post this I will read the jokes on my latest edition of my podcast, News Jokes By Jim. Check it out on iTunes where you can subscribe or you can also find it here at http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/. That way you can listen to it in your car, while you are working out or while you are reading along with the blog just to see how many mistakes I am making with my third grade reading level. Also feel free to tell your families and friends and post it on social media to get the word out. And of course, you are welcome to remember to always keep on sending the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hailey Baldwin is the daughter of Stephen Baldwin, not Alec. Great episode, BTW!