Wednesday, August 08, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says the California wildfire has become the biggest in state history. Which was revealed the reason the state is the fifth largest economy in the world is from hiring half the people to extinguish the fires and the other half to rebuild after they've been put out.


A report says sex dolls which can “go all night” could replace men as women say they can’t tell the difference. Especially when the batteries run out after three minutes and the robots just roll on their side and shut down.


The West Hollywood city council is considering removing Donald Trump’s star from the Walk of Fame. Even worse for Trump is they have every intention of keeping the stars given out to Ryan Seacrest, Britney Spears and Kim Kardashian.


Donald Trump is warning the world against doing business with Iran as sanctions have been reinstated on the country. The question being besides buying a few barrels of oil, home made burqas and some donkeys, what business is there to do with Iran in the first place?


NASA is planning to “touch the Sun” with a 125 mile per second spaceship. Apparently they are just like the kid who won’t listen to their mom and insist on finding out how hot the stove is by touching it.


Former London Mayor Boris Johnson says burqas make women “look like bank robbers and letterboxes.” To which every person under 30 was asking “What’s a letterbox?”


Former London Mayor Boris Johnson says burqas make women “look like bank robbers and letterboxes.” To which everyone is waiting for Muslim women to answer back that his haircut makes him look like a straw mattress.


A study says looking on the bright side can be bad for people’s health as stress helps coping with bad news. Which people are asking who has looked on the bright side of anything since 2008?


A study says looking on the bright side can be bad for people’s health as stress helps coping with bad news. There’s a study done by researchers who hate getting up every day to do their job.


A study says that male birds get more aggressive towards females that have been given antidepressants. Who knew there was even an avian version of roofies?


Elon Musk says he is considering taking Tesla private which could be devastating for Tesla short sellers. In other words, people planning to make money selling Tesla short could be about to take it in the shorts.


Europe continues to battle wildfires during their massive heatwave. The good news is that they can just stay at home all summer and imagine they are on a vacation to California.


A report says building Donald Trump’s border wall could waste billions of dollars. Mostly the billions of dollars it will take to build a worthless wall along the border.


Lady Gaga will launch a Las Vegas residency in December. Which sets her apart from most other entertainers who seem to be taking their most recent residencies in rehab.


11 months after Hurricane Maria, power has been restored to Puerto Rico except for 25 customers. Which ironically are the 25 residents who actually had power before the hurricane hit.


A study says driverless cars can avoid but also cause crashes. Which means that’s about the same as letting the car you have right now start driving itself.


Reynolds Wrap is offering to give $10,000 to a Chief Grilling Officer to travel the country and eat barbecue. The sad part is that the people who don’t get hired by Reynolds Wrap will be informed with a note saying “Foiled again!”


Reynolds Wrap is offering to give $10,000 to a Chief Grilling Officer to travel the country and eat barbecue. The $10,000 pay was decided on as the amount needed to cover the winner’s insurance deductible and copays for their eventual coronary bypass surgery.


Paul Ryan says he helped “avoid tragedy” behind the scenes in the Trump Administration. It’s just too bad he hasn’t been able to help avoid any of the tragedies that have all been right out in the open.


A survey says Millennials check their credit scores more often than other generations. Mostly as a competition between each other to see how low of a score they have earned between their college loans and minimum wage job.


A survey says Millennials check their credit scores more often than other generations. Which it turns out most of their scores fall somewhere between “nice try,” “good luck” and “maybe next time.”


A report says job openings outnumber the unemployed in the U.S. for the third straight month. Mostly because the people who are having to work three jobs already to make ends meet are just saying “no thanks!” to taking up a fourth.


A report says U.S. small business owner optimism is at a record high. Which means nothing since the same thing could be said about fans of the Cleveland Browns.


A report says U.S. small business owner optimism is at a record high. Mostly the ones who have paid insurance long enough to be able to collect when they burn their shop to the ground.


A study says sending your kids to college increases the risk of losing your home. Although for most parents it might be worth it just to get the children out of the house for four years.


A Maryland mom tested positive for opiates after eating a bagel. She later said she knew it was a mistake to pick the bagel that had the hypodermic needle hanging from it.


The American Heart Association says children should be limited to one or two hours of screen time a day. Which is a problem for most parents who will then have to figure out how to keep those kids out of their hair the other 22 or 23 hours of the day.


The American Heart Association says children should be limited to one or two hours of screen time a day. Remember when the only danger for kids was running into the street or being burned on the stove and not their risk of heart disease?


The FDA is expanding a recall of a high blood pressure medication that could contain cancer causing chemicals. Well, that certainly won’t help lower any of those patients’ blood pressure.


A report says young athletes are being warned to stay hydrated but that too much water can be deadly. Well, that at least narrows it down.


A report says young athletes are being warned to stay hydrated but that too much water can be deadly. Which just shows kids that the way to live a longer life is sit on the couch drinking soda all day.


Health experts are questioning the benefits of fluoride-free toothpaste. Especially when the cavity fighting ingredient is replaced for some flavor with sugar.


Scientists are warning that a “domino effect” will kick in if the Earth’s temperature continues to rise, turning the planet into a hothouse state that would be hard to reverse. To which many Americans say they will help fight by never ordering from Domino’s Pizza again.


A survey says three quarters of Americans try to eat locally produced food. Especially in Alabama where residents insist on eating roadkill found only right in front of their house.


A survey says three quarters of Americans try to eat locally produced food. Apparently they are worried about eating food that comes from far away where they can’t be sure of the freshness and quality of all the fat, salt and sugar.


A new blood test allows ER doctors to detect when chest pain is a heart attack. Apparently it has something to do with the blood having the same viscosity as maple syrup.


Rapper Travis Scott has cast Kylie Jenner as a Virgin Mary figure in his new music video. Who knew any of the Kardashian family was able to pull off that much of an acting stretch?


LeBron James will produce a docu-series for Showtime called “Shut Up and Dribble.” Which coincidentally was also the exact words he said back after his recent criticism from Donald Trump.


Seattle Seahawks fans will be able to buy beer using their fingerprints next season. Which can then be accessed by police for easy identification when they are taking their breathalyzer test on the drive home.


Seattle Seahawks fans will be able to buy beer using their fingerprints next season. Which will be an even easier move for the Raiders whose fans already have their fingerprints on file.


Miami Dolphins long snapper John Denney is one of the oldest players in the NFL at age 39. Which can be rough considering playing for the Dolphins means he throws for more yardage back to the punter than the quarterback does to the receivers.


Bucs defensive end Noah Spence says he was eating nine meals and 9,000 calories a day to get to his playing weight. Which is coincidentally exactly the same amount of calories consumed by the average Bucs fan while sitting on their couch on game day.


A study says athletes feel constant pressure from our win-at-all-costs culture. Which means there should be a great sigh of relief coming from everyone playing for the Cleveland Browns.


A study says athletes feel constant pressure from our win-at-all-costs culture. Which is still better than everyone else who feels the constant pressure to do more work for less money in our minimum wage culture.


The Arizona Cardinals are offering a seven pound burger for $75 this year, with anyone finishing it in less than an hour getting a jersey and recognition on the video board. The problem is it turns out the recognition on the video board is for all the participants’ obituaries.


The Arizona Cardinals are offering a seven pound burger for $75 this year, with anyone finishing it in less than an hour getting a jersey and recognition on the video board. It also includes free use of the snack stand defibrillator and police escort ambulance ride to the hospital.


The White House has detailed renovations taking place while Donald Trump is on vacation. Apparently it involves cutting the cable for Wi-Fi to stop Trump from sending out any more tweets.


A judge has ordered the DOJ to preserve all e-mails from the personal account of James Comey. Which will go down as the new official Webster’s Dictionary definition of “irony.”


A judge has ordered the DOJ to preserve all e-mails from the personal account of James Comey. Which it turns out his last e-mail went to Hillary Clinton asking “How do wipe these servers clean?”


The Post Office is considering administering small checking and savings accounts for the poor. The real advantage is that anyone writing a bad check will have three years to make good on it before it clears.


The Post Office is considering administering small checking and savings accounts for the poor. The only question being who wants to do banking with an institution that is $15 Billion in debt?


The Post Office is considering administering small checking and savings accounts for the poor. Which means it will double the chances of not getting paid when you hear the phrase “The check is in the mail.”


Prosecutors say 300,000 fake Air Jordans were smuggled into the U.S., costing Nike $73 Million. What’s even worse is that the counterfeit scheme also cost thousands of 6 year old Chinese children their jobs.


A report says more Millennials are raiding their 401(k) plans to come up with a down payment on a house. Mostly because they figure why not use it now instead of gambling on the chances of living to their projected retirement age of 93?


A report says Papa John’s sales fell following offensive remarks by the founder. How bad has it gotten when you can’t make a profit selling pizza to Americans even after the legalization of pot?


Arizona State and the University of Maryland will launch an investigative journalism center. Their first assignment will be to uncover whatever happened to investigative journalism.


Arizona State and the University of Maryland will launch an investigative journalism center. Which will at least give students in the journalism program an idea of how it would be to work in the profession if there were actually any journalism jobs still around when they graduate.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog, which is now even easier to access the jokes by having me read them to you on my podcast at http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/. It is also available on iTunes. Not only do you get all the jokes in audio form, but also my smart-mouth comments to embellish them. Please also feel free to tell your friends and family about the blog and the podcast. Put it on social media and share it with everyone. That would make me very happy. Of course, anyone wanting to make me really happy still just has to remember to make sure to always keep on sending the love!

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