Tuesday, August 07, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Scientists say they have discovered a huge “rogue” planet roaming outside the solar system. Interestingly, the rogue planet can reportedly be seen from Sarah Palin’s backyard.


Actress Charlotte Rae has died at age 92. Younger fans were told that her passing was just a fact of life.


Imperial, California set a record for the hottest rain ever while the temperature was 119 degrees. Which was convenient as the rain settled the ashes that were created by every living thing in the region spontaneously combusting.


Imperial, California set a record for the hottest rain ever while the temperature was 119 degrees. In fact, the National Weather Service forecast called for a 20% chance of third degree burns.


Imperial, California set a record for the hottest rain ever while the temperature was 119 degrees. The forecast for the region is no longer done by the National Weather Service but is instead taken from the Book of Revelations.


A sex robot fanatic says he was “shocked” by the realism of a Harmony doll. Which means either the doll has exceeded all expectations or that they need to fix some faulty wiring.


A sex robot fanatic says he was “shocked” by the realism of a Harmony doll. Which is a good thing because that is all he will have when his wife finds out what he said.


A report says flight attendants are carrying thermometers to fight high temperatures inside jet cabins. What’s even worse is that over at United that the attendants can only take measurements using rectal thermometers.


A report says flight attendants are carrying thermometers to fight high temperatures inside jet cabins. It’s so hot on some flights that the only emotional support animals allowed for passengers are camels.


A 9 year old boy selling lemonade in North Carolina was robbed at gunpoint. Although the boy has a good attitude, saying when life gives you lemons, it’s best to hire some armed security.


A 9 year old boy selling lemonade in North Carolina was robbed at gunpoint. That was the first armed robbery involving lemons since someone hijacked a Chrysler.


A 9 year old boy selling lemonade in North Carolina was robbed at gunpoint. The good thing is that despite what happened, the boy is not bitter.


A 9 year old boy selling lemonade in North Carolina was robbed at gunpoint. As for the robber, if you can’t take a 9 year old’s money without needing a weapon for backup, you might need to look into another career.


A top brain scientist says social media is making children regress to the mentality of a three year old. The sad part is the study was done using the Twitter account of Donald Trump.


A survey says 40% of Americans can’t name a single First Amendment right. What’s worse is that the only right the other 60% know are their Miranda rights.


A survey says 40% of Americans can’t name a single First Amendment right. Mostly because they feel they can do anything they want as long as they have the Second Amendment.


A report says ISIS is calling for a biological attack in the West. Which apparently they are doing by investing in an expansion for more locations of Chipotle.


The new “Winnie the Pooh” movie has been banned in China. Mostly because the Chinese don’t recognize any bears that are not named “Ling Ling” or “Ming Ming.”


Iraq says it has completed their hand recount from the national election in May. Which shows that the U.S. plan to bring democracy to the region has worked. Now all they have to do is try to achieve the same thing in Florida.


Water off the Southern California coast has reached record high temperatures of near 80 degrees. The good news is that any beachgoers wanting to eat lobster thermidor just need to bring a surfboard, bib and a little melted butter .


MoviePass has slashed its offering to three films a month instead of one every day. Not so much because of the cost as it is for people to actually find three movies they actually want to see.


Bitcoin lost $10 Billion in value over the weekend. Which is a lesson for people willing to invest in a currency they can’t hold, don’t know where to find and can’t find anyone who will accept it.


Facebook has removed all of Alex Jones’ pages because of hate and bullying. Apparently they told him if that is what he wants to do he will have to be like everyone else and use Twitter.


A study says only 27% of Republicans claim to be vegetarian or vegan. Especially Donald Trump, who has found himself recently on a diet of mainly eating crow.


Pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi is stepping down after 12 years. Apparently the company is busy looking for a replacement from a new generation.


“60 Minutes” executive producer Jeff Fager will remain on vacation during an investigation into his alleged misconduct. Which if he is found guilty, the term “60 Minutes” will be what he is given to clean out his desk.


A study says people hate it when others are petty. Although many of those people wrote off the study saying it was completely irrelevant and didn’t matter anyway.


Workers on Mt. Everest dispose of several tons of human waste every year. It would even be more except so many climbers just hold it in rather than have to take off 15 layers of clothes.


Workers on Mt. Everest dispose of several tons of human waste every year. Although climbers say it is still more comfortable to use the restroom at 29,000 feet on the below zero summit than it is having to go to the bathroom on a cross country airline flight.


A study says secondhand smoke is a greater risk to teens. Especially when they have to deal with the social stigma of being given anything secondhand.


Beyonce reveals that she had an emergency C-section with her twins, praising her husband Jay-Z for his support. He was so strong for her that he didn’t change the maternity room TV set over to ESPN even once.


Beyonce reveals that she had an emergency C-section with her twins, praising her husband Jay-Z for his support. He was so brave that he didn’t even think twice about getting on the elevator to the maternity floor along with Solange.


Robert Redford says he will retire from acting after his latest film. People were surprised. They thought he pretty much hung it up after “All the President’s Men.”


Two elderly German men escaped from their nursing home in order to go to a heavy metal festival. They were found “disoriented and dazed,” which means once a metalhead, always a metalhead.


Steven Seagal was appointed by Russia as a special envoy to the U.S. He should be careful. Isn’t that how Paul Manafort got his start?


13 football players at UNC were suspended for selling school-issued shoes. Mostly because it wasn’t like the student athletes had any books they could sell back.


NASCAR CEO Brian France was arrested in New York for DWI and possession of Oxycodone. Which means not only is he the NASCAR boss, he is also a NASCAR fan.


Shaquille O’Neal’s son Shareef will play at UCLA. Which is nice he wants to get his obligatory one and done out of the way within driving distance of his dad’s house.


Ohio State has set a 14 day timeline for the investigation of Urban Meyer. Which is just long enough so that investigators can whitewash the case and sweep it under the rug before the start of football season.


Arizona Cardinals players reportedly keep bricks in their lockers to remind them of the foundation of the team. Plus whenever they need any more bricks there are always plenty that are given away every night across town courtesy of the Phoenix Suns.


Angels manager Mike Scioscia says reports he is going to step down are “poppycock.” Although it may be a sign you are too old for the game if you keep using words like poppycock.


Rick Gates testified he and former boss Paul Manafort conspired to commit crimes. Which makes him certainly more believable than Manafort as Gates is the one who didn’t pay $40,000 for the ostrich and python skin jackets.


The judge in Paul Manafort’s case admonished “disruptive” reporters during the trial. Who does he think he is, Sarah Huckabee Sanders?


The Pentagon has banned deployed troops from using devices with geolocation apps. Apparently their message to soldiers is “If you swipe right, the terrorists win.”


The DOJ is appealing the merger between AT&T and Time Warner, saying the judge who approved it “ignored principles of economics and common sense.” Just like anyone who invests their money into AT&T or Time Warner.


A study says the worst odors on the planet include hydrogen sulfide, which is the primary atmospheric component on the seventh planet from the Sun. Which means someone spent a lot of money just to find out Uranus smells. (It’s old, it’s tired, it’s predictable. But always funny!)


Avis will start providing rental cars to Lyft drivers. Which is great news for people who can pay a discounted price to pretend to be chauffeured around by someone with no real job who doesn’t even have a car of their own.


Rick Gates says he lied for Paul Manafort for years at Manafort’s request and stole from him in the process. Which is nice in the criminal world how things have a way of getting evened out.


An Ohio teacher set a record for rowing solo across the Atlantic. Apparently they wanted to actually show their students the work on the problem “If you leave Europe in a rowboat in July going 4 miles an hour, how long will it take to end up on Long Island?”


A man who died after jumping out of a freezer in a New York restaurant and threatening workers was also the suspect in a cold case. Which along with the freezer and now being in the morgue makes it three cold cases.


A study says TV may have a negative effect on people’s sex life. Mostly watching TV now takes up the only five minutes people used to reserve for sex when they weren’t on their cellphones, using their computer or playing on the video game console.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you have all had a chance to check out my podcast at http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/. It’s the easy way to get my jokes every day by just having me read them to you. What could be easier, other than ignoring both of them which I am hoping is not an option. That means every day you will get between 50 and 60 topical jokes which are guaranteed to be grammatically correct. Why wait until 11:30 to hear some late night comedian read a handful of jokes when you can get dozens any time you want? It’s a deal that is hard to pass up, so give it a chance. And while you are at it, of course feel free to remember as usual to always keep on sending the love!

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