Sunday, August 05, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says the labor shortage is becoming a “big problem” for small businesses. Mostly getting new workers used to the idea of having a job for the first time again since 2008.


A report says sex robots in Japan “beat living competition” and could wipe out the Japanese by 3546. The ironic part is that the scientist who made that prediction came up with that number by using the calculator function on his new girlfriend.


A report says sex robots in Japan “beat living competition” and could wipe out the Japanese by 3546. Which makes sense if you have checked out the price of a lobster dinner in Japan lately.


A report says Oregon is facing an oversupply of pot since legalization. What’s worse is that has also caused grocery stores to have a glut on their shelves of Oreos, Doritos and MoonPies.


A report says Massachusetts is the capital state for pot use with 21% of residents saying they smoke weed. In fact, you almost can’t spell “Boston” without b-o-n-g.


A study says it’s harder for people to turn off a robot when begging for its life. Unless the robot is operated by Windows 10 in which case it will just shut itself down without any warning anyway.


Amazon is planning to use goggles which are feared to be able to monitor employees’ every move. To which the company says that is nonsense, that is what the ankle bracelet on their leg irons and chip implanted in their brain is for.


A rhino was caught on video slamming into a vehicle at a Mexican safari park. Unfortunately the truck was only built to be ram tough.


A rhino was caught on video slamming into a vehicle at a Mexican safari park. Fortunately, the people inside were all safe as the car was making a border run and they were all in the trunk.


A $543 Million lottery jackpot was not enough to get the eleven California office workers who won it to quit their jobs. Mostly because their winnings were barely enough to allow them to buy a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.


A $543 Million lottery jackpot was not enough to get the eleven California office workers who won it to quit their jobs. Mostly because with the cost of living in California, that just gives them enough cash to move their retirement date back from 93 to 91.


Two people were injured in a flaming drink accident at Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen restaurant in Las Vegas. Although the customers thought there could have been a better way for Ramsay to settle their questions about the bill.


Two people were injured in a flaming drink accident at Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen restaurant in Las Vegas. Which employees say is still better treatment than they get working there.


Two people were injured in a flaming drink accident at Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen restaurant in Las Vegas. Apparently that was Ramsay’s way of fulfilling the promise for dinner and a show.


Two people were injured in a flaming drink accident at Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen restaurant in Las Vegas. Apparently that was part of the restaurant policy of a two drink with minimum third degree burns.


Google is working on a censored search engine for China. Or as the Asian version of Yakov Smirnoff would say, “In China, Google tells YOU what you need to know.”


Protesters fueled by a failing economy are popping up in Iran. The question being why are they just noticing how bad things are now?


Seven puppies found abandoned on a Canadian island were rescued and named after the characters on “Gilligan’s Island.” The ironic part is that the pups were rescued by the Harlem Globetrotters.


Smithfield Foods has been ordered to pay $470 Million to neighbors for the smell from a hog farm. Which is kind of like people suing for noise after moving in next to an airport.


Smithfield Foods has been ordered to pay $470 Million to neighbors for the smell from a hog farm. Which could result in a similar lawsuit from all the states that border Alabama.


Taco Bell says it will expand its “cantina” concept in New York City with a tapas-style menu. “Tapas” being the trendy way to say “smaller snacks at ten times the price.”


Wells Fargo is being accused of foreclosing on 400 people in California who may have had a chance to keep their homes. Those chances with California real estate prices being “slim” and “none.”


Wells Fargo is being accused of foreclosing on 400 people in California who may have had a chance to keep their homes. To which the bank said they pretty much just did it out of habit.


China is threatening tariffs on $60 Billion in U.S. goods. Although many Americans were just happy to learn the U.S. is actually able to produce $60 Billion in goods.


The NRA says they are in deep financial trouble and may be unable to exist. Apparently the organization should have been more concerned about silver than lead.


The NRA says they are in deep financial trouble and may be unable to exist. Apparently they should have worked on getting some leaders of a higher caliber.


The NRA says they are in deep financial trouble and may be unable to exist. Apparently the problem is that Wayne LaPierre turned out to be a real dum-dum.


The NRA says they are in deep financial trouble and may be unable to exist. Which turns out to be a classic case of shooting themselves in the foot.


The NRA says they are in deep financial trouble and may be unable to exist. Apparently they should have used a silencer on Wayne LaPierre.


The NRA says they are in deep financial trouble and may be unable to exist. That’s what happens when your CEO keeps going off half-cocked.


Facebook gave a glimpse of what their new dating app will look like. The worst part was for young people who like with the rest of Facebook went looking for dates and found their mom and her friends.


Facebook gave a glimpse of what their new dating app will look like. Which won’t mean much to most users who can’t get a date because they are logged onto Facebook 16 hours every day.


Vanilla Almond Breeze almond milk is being recalled because the product may contain real milk. Which would be the opposite of Taco Bell recalling its beef tacos because they had real beef.


Vanilla Almond Breeze almond milk is being recalled because the product may contain real milk. How does that even happen? That would be like Borden recalling milk because they found a bunch of almonds floating in the cartons.


A neurologist says relationships are affected by sleep. Especially for the people in relationships who keep waking up next to someone who isn’t their partner.


A study says even a two week break in exercise can have a lasting effect on the body. Which is still not as bad for most people as the break they had in exercise from 20 through 35.


A study says dust could pose a health hazard, especially if astronauts start spending extended amounts of time on the Moon. Although that still seems to not be as bad as the other drawbacks of living on the Moon like no air, no water and complete isolation.


A study says dust could pose a health hazard, especially if astronauts start spending extended amounts of time on the Moon. Which means potential space travelers will just have to prepare by living a few months in a bachelor’s apartment.


Dolly Parton has announced a $37 Million expansion of Dollywood next year. It’s the biggest expansion involving Dolly Parton since she was 16 and went from a “B” cup to “Double D.”


Kourtney Kardashian in an interview discussed the tension between her and sister Kim Kardashian. Mostly the usual causes of conflict between sisters like who makes more money, who gets more camera time and who has to shoot more scenes with Kris Jenner.


Kourtney Kardashian in an interview discussed the tension between her and sister Kim Kardashian. Mostly from the fact that her sister is Kim Kardashian.


Han Solo’s jacket from “Star Wars” could fetch $1 Million at auction. Which will be used by Paul Manafort at his trial to show that the $40,000 he spent on ostrich and python jackets by comparison is really pretty frugal.


Han Solo’s jacket from “Star Wars” could fetch $1 Million at auction. Which ironically will be paid by a “Star Wars” fan who saved up the money from never spending a nickel in his life on a date.


Han Solo’s jacket from “Star Wars” could fetch $1 Million at auction. Which is sad to see Solo get older and go from wearing that dynamic jacket to having to be reminded to tie his robe.


Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer says “I have always followed proper reporting protocols and procedures.” The only problem is the protocols and procedures book he uses is from Penn State.


Johnny Manziel threw four interceptions in his first start in the CFL. Mostly because it’s hard to throw to the right guy when you are not used to playing sober.


Jameis Winston has lost his endorsement deal with Nike. Apparently their new slogan for him is “Just DON’T do it.”


The Pro Bowl is headed to Orlando for the third straight year. Mostly so there is something to do for the first and second string players who are not even going to suit up for the game.


Relief pitcher Brad Ziegler became the first on the Arizona Diamondbacks to use the bullpen golf cart in a game. Mostly because if you live in Arizona long enough, you will eventually use a golf cart for your main mode of transportation.


LeBron James told his son’s team they will need to accept their role or “play golf or tennis.” In other words if they want to stay on the team they will keep passing the ball to his son.


A report says WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s health is reportedly deteriorating. Ironically, his body has just sprung all kinds of leaks.


Melania Trump’s policy director has left her post. Apparently it had to do with her being the one who came up with the policy of “I really don’t care, do u?”


Paul Manafort’s bookkeeper says Manafort approved “every penny” that was spent. Which is easy to understand if he OK’d spending $40,000 on those hideous ostrich and python jackets, how he also got duped out of the rest of his $60 Million fortune.


Starbucks says it may start allowing customers to pay using Bitcoin. Which may not work for someone wanting to buy a double mocha latte as Bitcoins are currently worth only $7,000.


More than 150 women lined up on a New York City street to take a “fertility test” to find out their options for conceiving. As opposed to most women who find out if they can get pregnant by just dating Kevin Federline.


A study says dating apps are the least preferred way of young people to meet someone. Apparently they prefer the more traditional way of getting drunk at a bar and hitting on someone with cliche pickup lines.


Amazon has removed Nazi-themed goods from their store. The question is what kind of quality control do they have to let them get there in the first place?


Amazon has removed Nazi-themed goods from their store. Apparently those are only supposed to be worn by Amazon warehouse managers.


A report says a man taking part in a protest in Iran was fatally shot. Which is pretty much the definition of an Iranian protester.


Facing a backlash, the Newseum journalism museum has stopped selling “Fake News” T-shirts. Which actually just turned out to be shirts that said “CNN,” “NBC,” “CBS” and “ABC.”


A South Carolina man has been charged for wearing body armor in a burglary. Does that mean if he just would have worn shorts and a T-shirt he would have been let off the hook?


Hot weather has forced four French nuclear power plants to shut down. How bad has global warming gotten when even plutonium fission reactors are overheating?


Donald Trump says he “destroys careers of Republicans” who say bad things about him. The problem is that it’s only slightly more so than the ones who say nice things about him.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Don’t forget to check out my podcast at http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/. You can hear me read all the jokes of the day which comes in handy to have me do it while you are in the car or at the office. You can also find my podcast on iTunes. Feel free to subscribe and all the latest editions will be there whenever you want them. Also make sure to tell all your friends about it as well and put it on social media. I would love to see the word get out on this and start getting a good-sized following. I will be very appreciative, just like I am when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

No comments: