Friday, August 03, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Meghan Markle is celebrating her first birthday since joining the Royal Family. For her present, Prince Harry wanted to keep things simple so he just decided to gift wrap Wales.


Meghan Markle is celebrating her first birthday since joining the Royal Family. It was hard for Prince Harry to follow up with a present after giving her a ring that made her a life-long part of a Billionaire empire.


Meghan Markle is celebrating her first birthday since joining the Royal Family. The sad part is that whatever Prince Harry gives her is going to pretty much overshadow her dad’s gift of sweat socks and a two liter bottle of Mountain Dew.


Apple has become the first company with $1 Trillion of stock valuation. And that was just with the arrival on the shelf of 100 iPhone Xs.


Jeff Bezos says managers need to ask just three questions for prospective Amazon employees. Which are mostly do they mind working 18 hours a day with no bathroom breaks, are they OK with minimum wage and are their knees in shape to genuflect to the portrait of Bezos.


Jeff Bezos says managers need to ask just three questions for prospective Amazon employees. Which all three have to do with not having a conscience about selling overpriced, worthless crap to unsuspecting buyers.


Scientists say they have figured out the mystery of why ships have disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle. Apparently it has something to do with it being right in the path of most Carnival Cruise Line destinations.


Bristol Palin confirms she is divorced after 20 months of marriage. Which shows that just like her mom she can’t make a commitment that goes out past a couple of years.


A man admits he stole a shark from a San Antonio aquarium but says it needed help. If he is really concerned about helping sharks, let’s see him go into the tank with a Great White and see what he can do for it.


A report says there has been a 280% increase in young Democratic socialist chapters on college campuses. Mostly because the kids enroll thinking the “socialist” means people who like to get on social media.


A report says there has been a 280% increase in young Democratic socialist chapters on college campuses. Mostly the ones who realize capitalism is the system that makes them go $100,000 into debt with student loans to pay off with a minimum wage job.


A fight erupted in a Maryland wig store after a customer tried to steal an $80 wig. Police say they have never seen such a bald-faced robbery.


A report says 518 inquiries are tied to a potential outbreak at an Ohio Chipotle. Or as Chipotle calls 518 potentially sickened customers, “lunch.”


The U.S. is going ahead with a tax on Canadian newsprint. The biggest effect on rising prices will be at the fish market which is now the last place that actually has a use for newspapers.


Havana will celebrate their 500th anniversary next year, commemorating their founding in 1519. Which is great that they have since modernized, taking the city’s technology and lifestyle all the way up to 1633.


Jerry Brown says we are enduring the worst heat since civilization emerged 10,000 years ago. Although he doesn’t point out that civilization also pretty much disappeared after the invention of the Internet.


Jerry Brown says we are enduring the worst heat since civilization emerged 10,000 years ago. Other than when all those cavemen started to suffer severe burns and heat rash when one of them finally discovered fire.


Experts are warning of the serious effects of smoke from wildfires in the west that could cause lung issues and heart disease. Especially for the people in fire stricken areas who keep going out for lunch every day at McDonald’s.


France has outlawed making catcalls to women on the street. Which has really put single men in a bind having to come up with a new pickup move.


France has outlawed making catcalls to women on the street. Which hasn’t stopped men who have moved on to the technical equivalent of meeting women on dating sites and sending them pictures of their junk.


Virtual reality porn booths are reportedly becoming very popular in Japan where people can experience life-like sex in a private room. Don’t we already have that? They are called “motels.”


A report says more than half of all American dogs and cats are overweight. Which shows it’s true that pets really do eventually start looking like their owners.


A 19 year old woman got a tattoo of Tom Brady’s autograph on her arm. Although it was just a little bit painful as to be realistic, the artist did the drawing with a football deflation needle.


A 19 year old woman got a tattoo of Tom Brady’s autograph on her arm. Which means she now has a perfect model of what it looks like every time she forges his signature on a fake check.


Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats says Russian keyboards are a “click away” from a major election hack. In fact, they are so good at what they are doing that they have programmed election result tampering right into their F-key functions.


A Missouri man was arrested after abusing his girlfriend’s children by making them eat parts of shoes. Apparently he wanted them to experience eating sole food.


Sweden’s tallest mountain peak has dropped 13 feet in height in the European heat wave. And all this time people thought it was cold weather that caused shrinkage.


A report says Donald Trump averages telling 7.6 mistruths a day. People had no idea he was on Twitter that many times.


A report says Donald Trump averages telling 7.6 mistruths a day. Which means he is right when the media quotes him and he complains of them putting out fake news.


Pope Francis I says the death penalty is never admissible. Mostly because the Catholic Church knows how effective it is to inflict the ultimate punishment of getting hit by a nun with a ruler on the knuckles.


Amazon and other companies have formed a lobbying group to keep the Post Office “reliable and affordable.” To which the Post Office says “you first.”


Amazon and other companies have formed a lobbying group to keep the Post Office “reliable and affordable.” Which would mean taking the Postal Service back somewhere to around 1967.


A Microsoft executive considers it a “responsibility” to keep people unplugged. Which they do by making users switch over to Windows 10.


Elon Musk has a deal with Atari to turn Teslas into game consoles. Which means you can have the arcade thrill of crashing in the third turn of Pole Position while simultaneously wrapping your new Model 3 around an oak tree.


The British Pound is continuing its slump. If it goes down much further they will have to refer to it as the “Ounce.”


Facebook shares dropped 20% in just two days. Which means the only ones giving it a “like” are investors in Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat.


John Schnatter says he wants to remain the face of Papa John’s Pizza. Just as soon as he can get all the egg off of it.


A report says a ten year old boy is developing normally after having one sixth of his brain removed. The good news is that the surgery did nothing to hurt his chances of a full ride scholarship to UNLV.


79 cases of salmonella poisoning have been tied to Hy-Vee pasta. Which has caused the company to change their slogan to “Eat some Hy-Vee then hook up to an I-V!”


The CDC is telling people to not wash and reuse condoms. How low are you on your partner’s list when you don’t even rate a new condom?


A study says moderate drinking in middle age lowers the risk of dementia. Mostly because for people who drink enough every day, how can you even tell?


Lady Amelia, 38th in line to the British Throne was photographed topless on a beach. Apparently she was giving her own 38s a chance to romp in the sand.


Former Cardinals pitcher Rick Ankiel is considering a comeback at age 39. To which Bartolo Colon says he hates to see these kids quit young and miss out on their prime playing years.


Urban Meyer was fired as “head breakfast coach” at Bob Evans. Which that is the one job he should keep considering his career is now toast.


A treasure hunter was able to find a curler’s lost Olympic ring on a California beach. Apparently he took a cue from the curler and located it by just sweeping away all the sand with a broom.


The golf match between Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson is set for the Thanksgiving Weekend. Which hopefully Phil will remember that Thanksgiving is the one time to make sure that Tiger isn’t the one driving the golf cart.


A massive sandstorm called a “haboob” caused minor leaguers in Arizona to run for cover. Which gave a whole new meaning to the term “getting dusted off.”


Vanessa Bryant is shooting down rumors that Kobe wants to play basketball again. Apparently he is through after finally making enough money to pay off all those jewelry bills.


Paul Manafort’s bookkeeper says he struggled to pay his bills in 2016. Which caused his legal team to huddle and immediately submit their resignation.


Paul Manafort’s bookkeeper says he struggled to pay his bills in 2016. Apparently he didn’t realize the $60 Million he was paid in Ukrainian rubles was actually worth $450 U.S.


Paul Manafort’s bookkeeper says he struggled to pay his bills in 2016.The good news is that after spending $900,000 on clothes at a boutique, he is about to see that budgeted down to the price of one standard issue orange jumpsuit.


RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel says the Koch Brothers consider their own interests more important than the party or the country. To which Donald Trump is saying he had that idea first.


Amazon’s kid-friendly story telling app is now free and works with Alexa. To which adults are hoping Alexa will do the same for them with an app developed by Penthouse Forum.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday and the weekend is here right on time. Although it could try to get in a little earlier next time. What do I care, I’m not working right now and I am loving it. Mostly because it gives me even more time for the jokes and to work on my new podcast called “News Jokes By Jim.” Just look it up right here: http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/ Just sit back and let me read the jokes for you every day. That way you can ignore the jokes that you would otherwise have to read three times to try to understand. I am here to make your life easier. The way you can make mine even easier is to check out the podcast and of course remember to always keep on sending the love!

No comments: