Thursday, August 02, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A study says adults spend one half their day interacting with media. The other half they spend trying to verify whether everything they read was fake news.


Venezuela’s president admits the economy there has failed. Which has been no secret to the rest of the world since 1952.


Venezuela’s president admits the economy there has failed. Although with a $20 Trillion national debt, people are wondering when Donald Trump will say the same thing about the U.S.


Pope Francis I blasted “a supermarket of idols” of money, drugs and vanity that distract people from God. What’s worse is he was only speaking about all the bishops and priests.


A report says cocaine use has soared in wealthy households. Mostly because they want to be different from everyone else who can only afford the usual booze, pot and opioids.


Molson Coors is brewing a cannabis drink for Canada. Which is different than what they do for stoners in the U.S. who can use cans of Coors light as bongs as they are just filled with water.


French rappers started a brawl at a Paris airport, beating each other with perfume bottles. Which is really bad when they are trying to be “gangstas” and their next album will be called “Straight Outta Milan.”


French rappers started a brawl at a Paris airport, beating each other with perfume bottles. Instead of battling it out like American rappers shooting a .45, they were using Channel #5.


Hundreds of teachers in North Carolina flunked the math part of their licensing exams. Which is fine with the school board who promptly cut their salaries by 50% and convinced them they were getting a raise.


Death Valley in California set records for the hottest month ever on Earth, with July averaging 108 degrees. When visitors there are asked for ID, the most common method is dental records.


Death Valley in California set records for the hottest month ever on Earth, with July averaging 108 degrees. Which actually comes in about three degrees cooler than the surface of the Sun.


Death Valley in California set records for the hottest month ever on Earth, with July averaging 108 degrees. Sun worshippers going there have three results: tanned, sunbleached and spontaneous combustion.


A heart attack victim in Chicago had to wait 43 minutes to get to the hospital after calling paramedics. Which was understandable as he had to be put on a triage list behind all the people who were shot, stabbed and gang-assaulted.


A survey says three of the top five happiest states in the U.S. are Minnesota, North Dakota and South Dakota. Which is easy to do in places where people start out with such low expectations.


A survey says the least happiest state in the U.S. is Louisiana. Especially if you are asked to be on a reality show and find out the only reason is because you are a duck.


A study says fearing the day will be stress-filled worsens a person’s memory, focus and productivity. The good news is people who feel that way can usually brag they are clairvoyant.


France has approved fines for sexual harassment on the street. Which really throws a monkey wrench into Harvey Weinstein’s plans for a European vacation this summer.


An Israeli court has sentenced an Arab poet to five months in prison for incitement to violence from her poems. The good news is she is looking at a very promising career writing rap lyrics.


Prada sales of their ready to wear line has pushed profits up 11%. Which with Prada means people can wear it now while being able to pay it off over the next ten years.


Warnings have been issued in Spain as a hot air mass moves in over the region from Africa. It has gotten so hot already, bull fights there are being rescheduled as barbecues.


Delta Airlines explained their method to keep flights on time during the busy summer travel season. Mostly by not scheduling any of their routes through O’Hare.


Delta Airlines explained their method to keep flights on time during the busy summer travel season. Which pretty much involves estimating the flight time and adding another three hours.


A Utah man is suing McDonald’s, alleging his drink was drugged. Apparently he became sluggish, lethargic and disoriented after using the drink to wash down three Big Macs, two large fries and five apple pies.


Facebook and Instagram have a new feature that tells users how much time they have spent on the sites. The sad part is the features measure the time spent in months, years and decades.


IHOP says its fake name change was a big success. Switching to “IHOb” to promote its burgers has inspired Chipotle to also change to “Chi-bot-le” in order to promote their botulism.


The Treasury plans to boost borrowing as growing deficits loom. The only problem is who is going to slip us a few billion when they look at the loan application form and see that national debt line filled in with “$20 Trillion”?


Wells Fargo has agreed to pay $2.1 Billion for its role in the mortgage meltdown. They would have settled sooner but had to first clear up those other little issues with their fake accounts, auto insurance scam and overcharging credit card customers.


Tesla says it will bring in volunteer company workers for a push on production of their Model 3. And if things go well, they may even decide to surprise the “volunteer” workers and give them a few dollars.


Kroger has stopped accepting Visa credit cards at some stores. How expensive have groceries gotten when customers are being told it’s cash up front or nothing?


Shares in Ferrari dropped after the new CEO says goals set by the former chief executive who passed away were “aspirational.” The worst part is the old CEO died after he aspirated.


Panera is testing a double bread bowl with two areas hollowed out. How fat have we gotten when the only way we can eat soup is with a spoon in each hand?


A report says Donald Trump’s plan to cut taxes even further for the rich “makes no sense.” Unless you are one of the wealthy friends who Donald Trump has picked to run the government.


An aviation expert says it was “no miracle” that all 103 passengers survived a crash landing on an Aeromexico jet. The real miracle is that anyone survives any flights on Aeromexico.


Donald Trump has announced plans for short term health care plans that are cheaper but cover less. Kind of like an imported Brazilian bikini.


Donald Trump has announced plans for short term health care plans that are cheaper but cover less. The reason they are short term is that people who buy them and get sick usually don’t have a life expectancy of more than a few weeks.


A second major league pitcher has come down with hand, foot and mouth disease. Just what kind of weird gunk are pitchers using to doctor the baseballs these days?


A survey says very few Americans consider themselves vegetarians or vegans. It’s even fewer when you consider some of them are on a diet of French fries, onion rings and carrot cake.


A survey says the waiting time to have obesity surgery is growing. Which is fine with the patients who want as much time as possible before the procedure to keep eating as much as they want.


CDC data says chicken is the food most likely to make people sick. Which has been no secret. In fact, it turns out that three of the Colonel’s eleven herbs and spices are actually antibiotics.


A report says Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s children won’t have the same last name as the rest of the Royal Family. Which everyone already assumed, thinking their last name is what comes after all of their first names which are either “Queen,” “Prince” or “Princess.”


Anti-violence protesters in Chicago could clash with a Cubs game being played at Wrigley Field. Although if they are really looking for a place that breeds violence they should march into Fenway Park in Boston when the Yankees are in town.


Ohio State University football coach Urban Meyer has been put on paid leave following allegations he covered for an assistant charged with domestic violence. When it comes to his contract, it looks like Ohio State may take a pass on Urban renewal.


The Knicks Enes Kanter from Turkey says he learned English by watching “SpongeBob SquarePants” and “Jersey Shore.” Which is why he can always be found tanning, at the gym or doing laundry and argues with officials by yelling “Fish paste!”


A 76 year old New Jersey man and his brother found five rare Mickey Mantle baseball cards in a collection. They had no idea they were the only ones whose mother didn’t throw out their box of cards back in 1968.


LeBron James explained in an interview why he moved to the Lakers. Although most people probably already assumed it might have something to do with being paid $154 Million for four years and getting to move to L.A. and out of Cleveland.


British Open champ Francesco Molinari says he has yet to drink from the Claret Jug. Mostly because he is worried about the leftover crumbs of Hooters fries still in the trophy from when John Daly won it back in 1995.


A French tennis player was fined $16,500 for a broken racket tantrum on the court. It wasn’t specified whether the fine was for breaking his racket or just making a racket.


Prosecutors highlighted Paul Manafort’s lavish lifestyle on the first day of his trial for fraud. If they think he spent a lot of money before, just wait until his lawyer’s bills start coming in.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Once again, a slew of topical humor you won’t find anywhere else. Mostly because no one else will print it. Or pay for it. But even better, instead of spending all that time reading these nuggets why don’t you let me do it for you. Just go to my new podcast at http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/ and I will do all the work while you relax and laugh, chuckle or even chortle. Plus I will be almost as pleased that you check it out than when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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