Sunday, August 12, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Crocs has announced it will be closing all its factories. Which is bad news for anyone who is dressing themselves as if it is still 2005.

Crocs has announced it will be closing all its factories. People were surprised. They still make Crocs?

The DNC has served WikiLeaks with a lawsuit via Twitter. Mostly to prevent any of the information to be prematurely leaked.

Madonna is slamming new music, saying everyone sounds the same. The worst part is that she is talking about Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande.

Madonna is slamming new music, saying everyone sounds the same. She’s the one famous back in the ‘80s for singing “Papa Don’t Preach.” Or was it “Like a VIrgin”? Or “Like a Prayer”?

Daredevils filmed themselves riding on top of New York City subway cars. Mostly because being on the roof is a lot more safe than being inside with the pickpockets, perverts and flashers.

A report says kids are going to summer camps that make them turn off their devices. Which is interesting to see teenagers go out and for the first time in their lives learn what a tree is.

A report says kids are going to summer camps that make them turn off their devices. The only bad part is when a group of kids gets lost in the woods which would have never happened if they had access to their GPS.

A report says teenagers watch half as much TV now as they did five years ago. Mostly because they just don’t have the time when they are done with social media, video games and streaming.

A report says teenagers watch half as much TV now as they did five years ago. Whoever thought there would come a day when we would be glad that our kids were in front of the TV so we would know where they are, who they are with and what they are watching.

North Korea is threatening the end of “stability” on the Korean Peninsula. Which everyone is asking when since 1945 has the Korean Peninsula ever been stable?

North Korea is threatening the end of “stability” on the Korean Peninsula. Which was just a bit of irony to hear Kim Jong-un talk about going back to being unstable.

An 81 year old woman was caught smuggling drugs across the U.S. and Mexican border. Although it turns out at her age the only things she was trying to sneak in were Centrum Silver, Boost and Prevagen.

An 81 year old woman was caught smuggling drugs across the U.S. and Mexican border. Apparently she was making good money sneaking in the only drug being asked for in the retirement home. Viagra.

Intelligent crows are being trained to pick up litter at a French amusement park. The only problem is that they still have to hire people at the park now to clean off all the statues.

An airline employee stole an unoccupied passenger jet at a Seattle airport and flew it for an hour before crashing into some woods. The sad part is he could have had a job at United as he eclipsed the previous airline pilots’ record of time in the air before crashing.

An airline employee stole an unoccupied Horizon Air passenger jet at a Seattle airport and flew it for an hour before crashing into some woods. The sad part is that until he crashed he was being praised for having a better on-time record than Horizon.

NASA’s solar probe launch was delayed over the weekend because of a glitch. Apparently they just realized they could have done the entire mission a lot cheaper if they had only installed some solar panels.

Ryanair is set to resume talks with Irish pilots after thousands of flights have been disrupted. Apparently the Irish pilots are all talking about going over to Southwest where the Happy Hour drink cart always finds its way into the cockpit.

An Alabama teacher who had to take several buses to school was given a car by one of her student’s parents. It also taught the kids a valuable lesson in not wasting all that time and money to go to college to end up with a low-paying teacher’s job.

A survey says Millennial men would like to earn $118,000 a year and women only $58,000. Which means by aiming lower, the women will at least end up living their lives with less disappointment.

A survey says Millennial men would like to earn $118,000 a year and women only $58,000.The only problem for the men is that working at their minimum wage job means having to find a way to get in 314 hours on the clock a week.

A survey says Millennial men would like to earn $118,000 a year and women only $58,000. Mostly because the women have no illusions about their future, including marrying a Millennial man who still can’t move out of his parents’ basement.

A study says 28% of new dads have postpartum depression and anxiety. The other 72% were long gone the moment they found out they got someone pregnant.

A study says 28% of new dads have postpartum depression and anxiety. Mostly from knowing the next 18 years of their lives will be spent adjusting to spending the rest of their lives in debt trying to pay for college.

Citroen car enthusiasts held an international meeting in Germany. Which was nice for fans of the car to be able to meet both people who had ever actually bought a Citroen.

The U.S. is going ahead with tariffs on Canadian newsprint. The sad part is that newspapers all across the country acknowledged it with the headline “Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?”

The Turkish lira is reportedly in trouble, dropping 14% in one day. What’s worse is they got a sympathy card from the Mexican Peso, The Iranian Rial and the Nigerian Naira.

The Turkish lira is reportedly in trouble, dropping 14% in one day. They would have more stability if they would change their national currency over to the Bitcoin.

Egypt is building a new capital city to replace Cairo. Which could solve a lot of problems in the U.S. if we did the same thing and didn’t tell any of the government workers in Washington, D.C.

Egypt is building a new capital city to replace Cairo. Which would be nice if we did the same thing here which would give us a chance to finally drain that swamp around Washington, D.C.

The FDA has approved the first app to be used for birth control. Which wouldn’t be necessary if women would just delete their apps for Tinder, Match and Zoosk.

A Mississippi woman is suing after becoming sick and being hospitalized after eating contaminated Goldfish crackers. Which turns out were almost as bad for her health than eating uncontaminated Goldfish crackers.

A report says diplomas from Colorado Mesa University misspelled “Board of Trustees” for the past six years. The sad part is that now all the graduates going back to 2012 will have to take a course in remedial reading.

A report says diplomas from Colorado Mesa University misspelled “Board of Trustees” for the past six years. What’s even worse is that the diplomas were actually given out to students who were graduating from Boise State.

A report says diplomas from Colorado Mesa University misspelled “Board of Trustees” for the past six years. Which must be comforting to spend $100,000 on an education to find out the people running the college can’t spell.

A new paper says many people are unhappy because they are trying too hard to be happy. Which means we will all be better off the moment we accept that we are destined to be miserable the rest of our lives.

A study says people don’t like others bragging unless they can back it up with evidence. Which explains why Michael Phelps is always walking around wearing all 28 of his Olympic medals.

A study says people don’t like others bragging unless they can back it up with evidence. Although it might not be such a good idea for O.J. Simpson to keep walking around showing everyone the knife he used to kill both people.

A study says immigrants cost the health care system less than U.S. born Americans. At least until the immigrants become assimilated and start eating the typical American diet.

CVS nasal spray is being recalled because of contamination. Which if it makes anyone ill means CVS could be paying through the nose.

Ice Cube says he is always trying to convince people he is not yesterday’s news. The only real news about him being that he is a ‘90s rapper who is actually still alive.

McDonald’s is holding a contest where they will give the winner free food for life. Which won’t be that expensive for the company as won’t have to support anyone eating all their meals at McDonald’s for more than about six months.

Production has started on a live action film of “Dora the Explorer.” Apparently the plot line has the young immigrant using The Map to try to get across the border and into the U.S.

Michigan, Cal and Marquette are being investigated for athletes selling team shoes. The first sign something was wrong was when the entire football team showed up to practice barefoot.

Former Tour de France champion Jan Ullrich was detained over an incident with a female escort in a hotel. Now that he is retired, the only PED he relies on now is Viagra.

A deflated football found during an Eagles-Steelers game was ruled to be defective. To which Tom Brady is saying “Now why didn’t I think of that one?”

Dodgers fans will now be able to buy beer at their seats. Which will save them the risk of spilling some of the three ounces of beer from the $20 cup while walking back to their section.

Dodgers fans will now be able to buy beer at their seats. The beers will only be sold between the third and sixth innings while the fans are actually in their seats.

A survey says 20% of Americans say Donald Trump is doing an excellent job. Those people took the survey before getting out of their beanbag chair, getting into their Chrysler and having dinner at McDonald’s.

A survey says 20% of Americans say Donald Trump is doing an excellent job. Mostly the people who have a job, aren’t from another country and have a nuclear fallout shelter in their basement.

A woman GOP candidate in Florida was found to have faked getting a diploma from the University of Miami. What’s worse is that she had no idea the University of Miami is in Ohio.

A new service in California lets people pay someone to fill their gas tank. People pay for the gas, the time it takes and with fuel approaching $4 a gallon the armored car to carry the cash.

A new service in California lets people pay someone to fill their gas tank. People just pay for the convenience along with the price of buying a new siphoning hose each time.

Former NASA astronaut Leland Melvin says he saw an organic, curved alien-like creature in space. It turns out he was outside the Space Shuttle right when one of the other astronauts was flushing the toilet.

Disney and other opponents of an Anaheim livable wage measure say it will have “severe consequences.” Meaning once workers get a decent wage, next they will be asking for healthcare, food and a place to live.

Disney and other opponents of an Anaheim livable wage measure say it will have “severe consequences.” Mostly the businesses who have workers realizing that a livable wage in Southern California starts around $120,000 a year.

A lawsuit says Nike “devalued and demeaned” female workers. The company has apologized, saying the employee manual says the only people to be treated like that are the six year old factory workers.

A study says having to answer work e-mails 24/7 may take a toll on the mental health of employees and their partners. Especially when the person works at a Hollywood studio and the e-mails are pretty much exclusively pictures of their boss’s junk.

A study says having to answer work e-mails 24/7 may take a toll on the mental health of employees and their partners. Which is bad enough having to answer e-mails at work in between the time spent on social media, playing video games and looking at online porn.

A study says Nevada has the nation’s largest average class sizes. Mostly because half of the kids in third grade are 17.

A study says salt may not be as bad for people as previously thought. Especially for the people who have replaced it in their diet by just adding more fat and sugar.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Once again, I am pushing my new podcast, News Jokes By Jim which features all of the jokes you see here every day, just in audio form. Makes for a much easier experience. Reading is hard. You can find it on shoutengine at http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/, or just go to iTunes and look it up. Feel free to subscribe and to also get the word out on social media. Tell your friends and have them share it to let everyone know. This could be as big as that guy on YouTube that runs around screaming incoherent babble. Which is pretty much everyone on YouTube. So listen to this instead but feel free to remember to always keep on sending the love!

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