Friday, August 10, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

NASA says it has created the coldest spot in the universe, 10 Billion times colder than the depths of space. Which beats the previous coldest location which was the area between Donald and Melania Trump right after she brushed away his attempts to hold her hand.


NASA says it has created the coldest spot in the universe, 10 Billion times colder than the depths of space. It would have been 20 Billion times colder but apparently that was before the effects of global warming kicked in.


Senator Bill Nelson says Russians have penetrated some Florida voter registration systems. Which could offset everything else going on there and actually make for the first fair election there in years.


Senator Bill Nelson says Russians have penetrated some Florida voter registration systems. The breach was detected when it was found every third voter’s chosen prefix was “Comrade.”


A report says some colleges are allowing students to pick their own grades in courses. Which has already been done for years, at least for students who are there on an athletic scholarship.


The SEC is probing Elon Musk’s tweets to see if they are truthful. Apparently they have time now since they pretty much gave up doing the same with the Twitter account of Donald Trump.


YouTube is fighting back about climate change misinformation. The problem being who thinks YouTube is the place to get factual information about global warming?


Twitter is planning a hate speech crackdown following backlash from employees. Which will make it a lot less complicated for the three users who will be left on the site.


Ecuador has declared a state of emergency over Venezuelan migrants at their border. Which shows how desperate people are to actually want to leave their own country for Ecuador.


A report says ministers, governors, Congress and the White House are working together on prison reform. Mostly because the groups most likely to end up there are ministers, governors, congressmen and White House staff.


Paul Manafort reportedly failed to disclose $16 Million in income for taxes. Which means he just cut out the middlemen of Donald Trump and Congress and gave himself his own tax break.


A study says 25% of online daters are attracted to users who are “out of their league.” Mostly because they were inspired that if Russell Brand could get Katy Perry, anything is possible.


Police are testing saliva swabs to catch stoned drivers. Which apparently are used to detect crumbs on their tongue from Oreos, Doritos and Ho-Hos.


Police are testing saliva swabs to catch stoned drivers. Although the method that really works best is waving a slice of pizza under their nose and saying they can have it when they confess.


A study says exercise is linked to better mental health, but too much can do harm. Which for most people means getting off the couch to go to the refrigerator for some beer and saying “Don’t want to overdo it!”


A survey says pet owners are happier, wealthier and more fit than non-owners. Except the ones who lose everything they own after being sued by the victims mauled by their pit bull.


NOAA is forecasting a less active hurricane season this year. Especially for the people living in Kansas, Oklahoma and Missouri.


NOAA is forecasting a less active hurricane season this year. Which they reserve the right to change as soon as the third Category 5 storm wipes out the eastern seaboard.


An employee says Paul Manafort’s condo was listed on Airbnb. The weird part is that it kept being rented out to Stormy Daniels.


Mexico will build a barrier to keep seaweed from washing ashore on beaches. So now all of a sudden they have enough money to build a wall.


Mexico will build a barrier to keep seaweed from washing ashore on beaches. Which is the first time Mexico has actually done something to stop the movement of any kind of weed.


A report says Donald Trump’s tariffs on Canadian newsprint is hastening the demise of local newspapers. To which Trump commented “Mission accomplished!”


A report says Donald Trump’s tariffs on Canadian newsprint is hastening the demise of local newspapers. Meaning their inevitable end will arrive in six months instead of next year.


A study says alt-right group members share the characteristics of being jobless and earning lower incomes. Which pretty much describes half the people who Donald Trump originally hired to work in the White House.


A report says Melania Trump’s parents have become U.S. citizens. Which shows that whole chain migration thing is not that much of an issue if your husband is President of the U.S.


A report says Melania Trump’s parents have become U.S. citizens. Which if nothing else makes her the oldest anchor baby in the country.


Buffalo Wild Wings restaurants wants to add sports betting to their menu. The only problem is for the wait staff seeing customers trying to offset their losses by betting away their tip money.


Teen celebrity chef Flynn McGarry is opening a restaurant in New York City. Apparently the 19 year old’s menu will consist mostly of pizza bites, hot pockets and smoothies.


A study says the sperm count is higher in men who wear boxers than those wearing briefs. Which doesn’t matter since the chances of having sex drop to near zero the moment a woman gets a glimpse of those tighty whities.


An association of trauma surgeons says strict regulations of guns and ammunition are needed to stop “senseless” gun violence in the U.S. Apparently meaning after that we can finally get back to more sensible gun violence.


Children’s advocates are condemning the tech industry’s practice of using psychological techniques to keep kids glued to their screens. Which also works for adults who know it as free porn.


A study says lower blood pressure reduces the risk of developing Alzheimer’s Disease. The only problem is when those people keep forgetting where they left their blood pressure medication.


A German drugmaker is suing to stop a Nebraska execution, claiming the prescriptions may have been obtained illegally. Apparently pharmaceutical companies want to be the only ones who can administer lethal amounts of drugs to the public.


A sign language interpreter is appearing at rock concerts translating the music to the deaf. Which wouldn’t be necessary except for all the people who lost their hearing listening to too much rock music.


A study says low calorie diets affect men and women differently. Women tend to lose pounds on the diet while men pretty much just lose their minds.


Macaulay Culkin says he turned down a role on “The Big Bang Theory” three times. Apparently he just didn’t see where an astrophysicist would react to anything by putting their hands to their face and screaming.


Macaulay Culkin says he turned down a role on “The Big Bang Theory” three times. Which is very mature of him to be able to admit making the dumbest mistake in show business history.


Howard Stern says he is planning a tell-all book. Or people could just instead have the same experience by listening to about a half hour of his radio show.


The Oscars are being blasted for creating a category for most popular film. The scariest part being that Tyler Perry could actually be nominated for an Academy Award for “Medea.”


The Oscars are being blasted for creating a category for most popular film. Which so far the enthusiasm for a “Best Blockbuster” award has as much enthusiasm as bringing back Blockbuster stores.


Justin Verlander says Kate Upton saved his career. Although it’s tough to believe anyone who doesn’t have a pretty good lock on a successful high-paying career is going to have a shot at a world class supermodel.


Justin Verlander says Kate Upton pulled him out of his depression. Which is easy to do when your depression is being caused by being rich and famous and not having a supermodel wife.


Justin Verlander says Kate Upton pulled him out of his depression. To which most men take the idea of marrying a wealthy supermodel and say “Imagine that!”


The Patriots have added a $5 Million incentive package to the contract of Tom Brady. Apparently there just wasn’t enough motivation to quarterback a Super Bowl contending team and only being paid $15 Million a year.


Randy Moss says he received hate mail for the tie he wore to the Hall of Fame induction ceremony. Which was strange as usually Moss just receives hate mail from defensive backs.


A 10 year old California boy beat a 1995 record set by Michael Phelps. Which is unusual as the only Michael Phelps record most kids are able to beat is the one featuring his 12,000 calorie a day training diet.


Rapper Iggy Azalea reportedly has split from Houston Texan wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins a day after confirming their relationship. Which was tough news for Hopkins as he wasn’t prepared at all for a preseason cut.


An umpire at a Yankees-White Sox game had to stop the game to have a live bug pulled from his ear. It’s just too bad that the insect didn’t fly into his eye where it wouldn’t have made a difference in how he was able to do his job.


Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti says he is exploring a run for President, suggesting he would be helped against Donald Trump by his “combative personality.” The only question being what would be the difference?


Donald Trump is asking the public to vote on a logo for his proposed Space Force. The only fear being that the eventual winner could be a write-in nomination for “Spacey McSpaceface.”


Donald Trump is meeting with state officials to discuss efforts to help ex-inmates. Which is the least Trump can do for all those former members of his administration.


The Trump 2020 campaign will reportedly sell Space Force merchandise to raise money. Which the idea of even having a Space Force shows he is setting his sights on every alien in the entire Solar System.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, and the weekend is here. There’s a revelation for you. I’ll bet you didn’t even think of that once yet today. That means with the weekend upon us you now have the chance to catch up on all the back editions of “News Jokes By Jim,” my daily podcast which pretty much has me reading all the jokes here along with my witty comments which are peppered in between the stumbles and stammers. You can listen to it on your car radio, your cell phone or them other jigamahootchies that them folks at Apple is puttin’ out there these days. I am so far behind the curve on tech stuff. But all you need to do to find it is click here http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/ or go to iTunes and look it up. Feel free to subscribe and more importantly tell all your friends about it. Put the word out on social media and ask everyone to share it which will make it successful enough to keep doing it. That would be awesome, almost as great as when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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