Wednesday, August 01, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The California Carr wildfire is considered the seventh worst in state history. Which means records only actually go back to the past six years.

A report says parents are hiring video game tutors for their kids. Which signals the end of them even thinking their kids have a chance to finish school.

A report says parents are hiring video game tutors for their kids. Mostly because becoming a gamer is the best paying professional career for anyone under 30.

A bank robber in New Jersey changed his mind and ended up trying to instead open an account. That way the next time he tries to hold up the bank he can save himself the trouble of carrying the cash away and just making a deposit.

Thieves were caught stealing a shark from a San Antonio aquarium. That is one item you don’t want to try to shoplift by walking out after shoving it down your pants.

Thieves were caught stealing a shark from a San Antonio aquarium. What’s worse is they were looking for a really fat person to help them next try to kidnap Shamu.

A report says U.S. consumers are borrowing more money than they did before the economy crashed in 2008. Which shows after ten years we can pretty much forget about anything.

A report says U.S. consumers are borrowing more money than they did before the economy crashed in 2008. The good news is the sure sign that the economy is strong again is when Americans start going in debt up to their eyeballs.

A report says more Americans are deciding to live in their vehicles. Mostly because with all the new car amenities like Wi-Fi, DVD, TV and movies and climate control, it’s a lot better than the crummy apartment they used to rent.

Some funeral homes are offering “extreme embalming” where they prepare the dead to look like they are still alive. Which for people who spent most of their lives sitting on the couch watching TV, what’s the difference?

A study says to be happier, people should stop scheduling their free time. Which for the people who are working three jobs just to try to make ends meet, the question is “What free time?”

A Van Heusen ad features MMA fighters in the ring modeling suits. Which these days looks more like a Facebook stockholders’ meeting.

Starbucks is planning to start delivering coffee in China. You know your caffeine addiction is taking over when you can’t even make it out the door before getting your hands on that first morning cup.

CBS CEO Les Moonves is being accused of destroying evidence in the corporate battle against Sheri Redstone. The question being if he is going to destroy evidence of wrongdoing, why not remove any traces that the network aired “9JKL,” “Man With A Plan” and “Kevin Can Wait”?

A study says the average office worker spends 1,700 hours in front of a computer screen every year. Mostly because it would be more but they only have eight hours a day to put in the time they need on social media, playing video games and watching porn.

A study says the average office worker spends 1,700 hours in front of a computer screen every year. That barely leaves any time for cigarette breaks, hanging out in the vending machine room and going out for a three martini lunch.

The NBA has signed an official deal with a betting sponsor with MGM. To which Pete Rose is saying “Man, did I pick the wrong sport to play!”

A Chipotle restaurant in Ohio was temporarily shut down when more than 100 customers reported becoming ill. Apparently the menu didn’t give those people their minimum daily requirement of salt, fat and sugar.

A Chipotle restaurant in Ohio was temporarily shut down when more than 100 customers reported becoming ill. To which a spokesperson says that doesn’t tell the whole story when taking in account all the people who ate there who didn’t get sick.

An analysis says the media workforce is down 23% over the past ten years. So not only are there complaints about the media putting out “fake” news, even the jobs are not real anymore.

An analysis says newspaper employment is down 45% in the past ten years. Which isn’t bad considering they still have 55% of their staff to take care of the three people who still actually have a newspaper subscription.

An analysis says newspaper employment is down 45% in the past ten years. The sad part is that the only people who still work at newspapers are the ones writing the obituaries for the people who still actually read the newspaper.

A report says more Millennials are embracing living in RVs and travel trailers which are becoming more hip. Mostly because even though they can be somewhat cramped, it is still a better experience than trying to keep a permanent residence in a tent city.

The entire police force in a Massachusetts town quit, citing unsafe conditions. Which may not be a bad thing as it sounds like they weren’t really doing a very good job.

French President Macron’s government survived two no confidence votes this week. People were surprised. The people of France still actually have confidence in their government?

Twitter users are spotlighting offensive tweets to expose the “toxic culture” in baseball. Remember when the only toxic part of baseball was players having to walk around all those pools of tobacco juice?

A survey says 90% of teens with depression look for mental health information online. The sad part is they are mostly depressed from being online 16 hours a day reading what people are saying about them on social media.

A survey says 90% of teens with depression look for mental health information online. The rest realize the reason they are depressed is more than likely because they are a teenager.

A report says Donald Trump was once seen as a hero in China but is now considered erratic and unreliable. Apparently it takes about a year and a half longer for news to travel around and reach all parts of Asia.

Tuesday was the last day peanuts were offered on Southwest Airlines flights. Apparently the change came at the request of pilots who like pretzels better with their Happy Hour beer.

The GAO slammed the IRS over negligence in protecting taxpayers from ID theft. To which the IRS says it’s not a problem as they don’t leave most people with enough money to make it worthwhile for anyone to steal their identity.

A woman is suing Canada Dry for a lack of real ginger in its ginger ale. Which is strange because the woman turns out to not even be a redhead.

A woman is suing Canada Dry for a lack of real ginger in its ginger ale. Her lawyer says he is planning to bleed Canada Dry.

A woman is suing Canada Dry for a lack of real ginger in its ginger ale. In a related story, Courtney Love is suing Coca-Cola because how can they call it “Coke” when it has no cocaine?

The Trump Administration says driving will be riskier if cars get better mileage. That’s not true. If everyone drove a Prius, no one would be able to go fast enough to actually cause an accident.

The Trump Administration says driving will be riskier if cars get better mileage. That’s not true. With gas going to $4 a gallon, most of us will have to risk hitchhiking, taking the bus or gambling with a ride on Uber.

Facebook says it found a covert campaign to spread divisiveness through political messages. To which Twitter is thinking of suing them for stealing their business model.

The Trump Administration is considering a tax break for capital gains. Which won’t affect most people who have no capital and don’t see any gains.

France has banned smartphones from schools. Which is rough on the kids who will all have to go through the process of learning to talk to another human face to face again.

A study says drunk Americans spend $30 Billion online each year. Which finally explains the success of Amazon.

A Michigan man was hospitalized after being bitten by his pet cobra. Some people would just be better off trying to take care of an aquarium full of sea monkeys.

A study says caffeine does not help as an aid to lose weight. Especially for people who go to Starbucks and order a 500 calorie Java Chip Frappuccino.

A report says a blood test could help spot severe depression in patients. Especially those who lost their health insurance and are depressed about not being able to afford a simple blood test.

A Wisconsin man had his arms and legs amputated after a dog’s lick became infected. The good news is that he saved on medical bills as the dog is a pit bull and just continued to chew off his limbs.

Kevin Hart banned cellphones from a Florida comedy performance. Mostly to stop the distraction of the entire audience calling Ticketmaster trying to get a refund.

A study says men outtalk women two to one on the big screen. Especially in most R rated movies where the dialogue is pretty much Man: Take your top off. Woman: OK, sure.

A study says men outtalk women two to one on the big screen. There would be even more talking by men except just like in real life, when they are driving they don’t ask for directions.

Kim Kardashian says she was naked when she was called by Donald Trump. The worst part is that at the time they were both in the Oval Office.

Kim Kardashian says she was naked when she was called by Donald Trump.  Mostly because she wanted to make it easy when she knew his first question would be “So, what are you wearing?”

Kim Kardashian says she was naked when she was called by Donald Trump. Which narrows down the time of the phone call to somewhere during the day or night.

Tennis will start using a shot clock like basketball. Which is a great idea to try to shave a few seconds from matches in a sport where the Wimbledon semi finals took a combined time of 12 hours.

The Senate has introduced legislation to bolster the U.S. election infrastructure. The first part is to cut that hotline that goes directly from the Oval Office to the Kremlin.

Donald Trump gave a speech where he said Americans need a picture ID to buy groceries. Where does Melania send him to pick up a quart of milk and loaf of bread, the airport?

An expert says the California Carr fire has an “undeniable link” to climate change. Usually the entire state isn’t engulfed in flames until at least late September.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I will take these jokes and use them for episode 20 of my podcast “News Jokes By Jim.” I hope you check it out. The link is http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/. This way you can relax while I try to make sense out of what I have written. Easier said than done. Please feel free to put the link on social media and share it with your friends. I would love to see this take off and get a solid listening base. That would be almost as good as when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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