Sunday, July 08, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A Florida mom’s secret recording caught a kindergarten teacher calling a student a “loser.” Mostly because he was still in her class at age 17.

A friend of Prince Charles reportedly called Meghan Markle’s family “frightfully common.” Which is wealthy royalty talk for “crazy rednecks.”

A friend of Prince Charles reportedly called Meghan Markle’s family “frightfully common.” The worst part is that is exactly the same thing the cast of “Duck Dynasty” is saying.

A report says a record 155 Million people are employed in the U.S. And almost a third of those are actually citizens.

A report says a record 155 Million people are employed in the U.S. Even better is it means there are 500 Million jobs, but that each person has to work at three to make ends meet.

Hawaii has banned most sunscreens to protect coral reefs. Which means the number one cause of death for tourists has gone from shark attacks to spontaneous combustion.

Experts fear that oil could spike to $150 a barrel. Mostly because it’s been ten long years since oil executives have gotten a seven figure bonus and been able to buy a new vacation home.

Experts fear that oil could spike to $150 a barrel. Which means troops need to get ready as it will finally be cost effective again to send them in to start another war in the Middle East.

A report says Silicon Valley is not worried about the effects of high oil prices. Especially since the main transportation modes there are still Tesla, Prius and Segway.

NASA says a cutting edge heat shield will allow a spacecraft to go near the Sun without being burned to a crisp. It will also help to make sure to carry out the mission at night.

Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson are set to play a head to head match for $10 Million, winner take all. Not to say both golfers are past their prime, but that is like watching Darrell Petty and Mario Andretti race Rascal scooters around the supermarket.

European leaders are worried Donald Trump wants to fulfill his promise to bring American troops home from there. Mostly because he feels he needs them for his planned conflicts in North Korea, Iran and China.

Several men dressed as Wal-Mart workers tried to rob a Wal-Mart in Georgia. Their excuse is that they are actually Wal-Mart employees who aren’t paid enough to make ends meet.

Mark Zuckerberg has passed Warren Buffett as the third richest person in the world. Which became news when Zuckerberg felt he had to message all 2 Billion of his friends on Facebook.

A study says two thirds of all Generation Z identify themselves as exclusively heterosexual. Mostly because with no money, no car and living in their parents basement they have never actually had a chance to see who they are interested in dating.

Pope Francis I is warning that climate change is turning the Earth into a vast pile of “rubble, deserts and refuse. To which people are saying, “Hey, it worked out well for Las Vegas.”

Scientists are warning that bananas could soon become extinct. To which many people are upset, saying “Why couldn’t it be figs?”

Scientists are warning that bananas could soon become extinct. The good news is that it could save 3 Million lives a year from people slipping on discarded banana peels.

Scientists are warning that bananas could soon become extinct. Which is bad news for the people whose only fruit intake was when they sat down to devour a banana split.

Anti-violence protesters shut down a Chicago freeway on Saturday. If they really wanted to stop violence, they would have worked to shut down Chicago.

Spider-Man co-creator Steve Ditko has died at 90. Apparently he was found in a bathtub with a giant footprint on his back.

Spider-Man co-creator Steve Ditko has died at 90. Funeral arrangements call for him to be wrapped in a giant tissue and flushed down the toilet.

Spider-Man co-creator Steve Ditko has died at 90. He leaves behind 3,500,000 offspring and a black widow.

Spider-Man co-creator Steve Ditko has died at 90. His last words were “Raid!”

The U.S. State Department has called out Russia for “eroding press freedoms.” As opposed to the U.S. where Fox News still has the right to fabricate any reports they want.

The U.S. State Department has called out Russia for “eroding press freedoms.” To which Donald Trump says we still have the right to a free press, it just happens to all be fake.

The U.S. has ordered all non-emergency personnel out of Nicaragua. Which brings up the question why would we have non-emergency personnel in Nicaragua in the first place?

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo gave Kim Jong-un a CD of Elton John’s “Rocket Man” signed by Donald Trump. Which only Trump would have a diplomacy style to send a representative half way around the world to insult another leader.

The median price of a home in San Francisco has gone up $200,000 in the past six months to $1.6 Million. Which means buying $3 worth of Bitcoins last year and using it along with a subprime loan could have made us all Bay Area real estate millionaires.

The median price of a home in San Francisco has gone up $200,000 in the past six months to $1.6 Million. Although people there can still pick up a mid-sized Amana refrigerator box in Ghirardelli Square for around $400,000.

A survey says half of American adults use voice assistants to talk to devices. The other half only talk to themselves to try to figure out how to get their devices to work in the first place.

A study says more than 100 Millionaires fled California following the 2012 tax hike. Mostly because if they lost their Millionaire status they would fall below the state’s poverty line.

Scott Pruitt says he is “devastated” about being forced to resign, as he was celebrating Independence Day the day before at the White House. Which being unemployed, every day for him now is “independence day.”

Economists say Donald Trump’s trade war could hurt job growth. Especially in China and India where there will now be fewer U.S. jobs that can be outsourced to them.

Amazon reportedly was selling neo-Nazi backpacks and onesies. Apparently it was all part of their new “Lil Hitler” clothing and accessories line.

A report says drive through lines at fast food restaurants are getting longer. They are so long that when people finally get their food, it’s about time to drive around and get back in line again.

A dozen medications have been recalled because the blister packaging was not child resistant. Although the term “blister packaging” comes from older people ending up with blisters just trying to get it open.

Researchers at Ohio State and Rutgers business schools evaluated how to have the most fun during leisure time. Which is pretty much the opposite of being involved in a study with the Ohio State and Rutgers business schools.

A lawsuit says the makers of OxyContin put profits ahead of people. Which resulted in a response of “Uh-oh” from every corporate CEO in the entire country.

Oprah says she googled herself for the first time recently. Which she found out came up with more results than when she googled “God.”

Oprah says she googled herself for the first time recently. It turns out it would have been easier to search the three pages that came up when googling “Not Oprah.”

“The Big Bang Theory” star Kaley Cuoco underwent shoulder surgery on her honeymoon. Just how many carats was that diamond in her wedding ring?

“The Big Bang Theory” star Kaley Cuoco underwent shoulder surgery on her honeymoon. What kind of nerd did she marry? Even sex with Sheldon wouldn’t have been that awkward.

Serena Williams’ 10 month old baby already has 400,000 followers on Instagram. Who does that baby think she is, a Kardashian?

Serena Williams’ 10 month old baby already has 400,000 followers on Instagram. Which is embarrassing for her dad because there aren’t that many people on the Reddit site he co-founded.

The president of FIFA has invited the trapped Thai soccer team kids to the World Cup Final. To which the children are saying how about getting us out of this cave first?

Erik Jones won the Coke Zero Sugar 400 at Daytona on Saturday. Remember when “no carbs” in auto racing meant going over to fuel injection?

Soccer stars Zlatan Ibrahimovic and David Beckham made a bet for IKEA furniture or fish and chips on the England vs. Sweden game. Talk about two wealthy athletes who didn’t have enough confidence in their teams to make a real wager.

Jennry Mejia of the Mets will be reinstated after being given a lifetime ban from baseball two years ago. Which is better than the alternative way of having that lifted by being dead.

Jennry Mejia of the Mets will be reinstated after being given a lifetime ban from baseball two years ago. To which Pete Rose is saying “A lifetime sure goes by a lot faster these days!”

J.T. Ginn chose Mississippi State over the Dodgers and a $2.2 Million bonus. Mostly because trying to live on $2.2 Million in L.A. would make him borderline homeless.

J.T. Ginn chose Mississippi State over the Dodgers and a $2.2 Million bonus. Mostly because a free ride scholarship to college these days works out to around $2.5 Million.

The USGA says Bryson DeChambeau can’t use a drawing compass on the course. His only other option is to go to the attic and dig out his old Spirograph kit.

Wayne Gretzky called Dustin Johnson’s knowledge of the game makes him a “golf Einstein.” To which Johnson agrees, saying he knows all about the theory of relativity as marrying Paulina Gretzky will make him Wayne’s son-in-law.

Wayne Gretzky called Dustin Johnson’s knowledge of the game makes him a “golf Einstein.” Which isn’t that impressive as Einstein never made it lower than a 14 handicap.

Donald Trump’s lawyers told Robert Mueller they want evidence that Trump committed a crime before they agree to an interview. Mostly so Trump will know what to actually pardon himself for.

Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago property has requested 61 visas for temporary foreign workers. Apparently his White House staff aren’t the only people who are designated as temporary.

Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago property has requested 61 visas for temporary foreign workers. That way they can go through that whole family separation thing before getting to the border.

Twitter says it has suspended 70 Million accounts in the past two months for “malicious activity.” Wouldn’t you know that the one that got away was the one belonging to Donald Trump?

A French couple became the first to move into a 3D printed home. It took 54 hours to print the parts, which would have been even faster if they didn’t keep running out of toner.

A French couple became the first to move into a 3D printed home. The only problem is the printer kept jamming so they ended up with three master bedrooms.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It was a bit of a rough week with the passing of a good friend and not getting a job I thought I had a pretty good line on. But other than that, what the heck? I’ve still got all of you out there and the jokes to keep me busy. Things could be worse. And they probably will be. But when things are predictable, that is when it gets boring. And who wants that? Actually I wouldn’t mind. Sometimes boring is OK. Although it is always exciting when I see how all of you still remember to always keep on sending the love!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sorry you didn't get that job. The economy is booming. You have a much better chance of getting a job now than you did a few years ago. Hang in there. Something will come up.

I am writing because of this... "The U.S. State Department has called out Russia for “eroding press freedoms.” As opposed to the U.S. where Fox News still has the right to fabricate any reports they want."

With CNN being caught so many times either manipulating or completely rewriting the facts, (and everybody knowing this), I am surprised that you would say FOX was fabricating news reports. Perhaps you are being sarcastic since FOX is usually spot on and accurate..and if they make a mistake, they freely correct it. By the way, MSNBC isn't much better than CNN. If you want truth and facts, most people don't go to CNN or MSNBC and the ratings reflect that.

Anonymous said...

I agree with your news fabrication "joke" above, Jim.

Best of luck in your job search.