Friday, July 13, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The International Energy Agency says the world’s oil supply risks being stretched to the limit. Which is OK since we were about due for a new Middle East war one of these days anyway.

The International Energy Agency says the world’s oil supply risks being stretched to the limit. Which means Donald Trump can scratch off those plans for “Middle East peace” and start working on something else.

Delta says it will trim flights on some underperforming routes because of rising fuel prices. “Underperforming” meaning any flights that have more than one empty seat on board.

The CDC says half of Americans are trying to lose weight. The other half pretty much gave up back in 1987.

Sarah Sanders says John Kelly was not annoyed by Donald Trump’s remarks at a NATO breakfast but was upset he couldn’t get a full breakfast. That, and his shoes were too tight, the A/C was not on, and there was no chocolate left on his pillow the night before.

Sarah Sanders says John Kelly was not annoyed by Donald Trump’s remarks at a NATO breakfast but was upset he couldn’t get a full breakfast. Apparently “NATO” stands for “Nothing After Ten O’Clock.”

Sarah Sanders says John Kelly was not annoyed by Donald Trump’s remarks at a NATO breakfast but was upset he couldn’t get a full breakfast. Who knew that world peace comes down to how late they keep the buffet line open.

Papa John founder John Schnatter has resigned as chairman after using a racial slur. People inside the company say he had a lot of crust.

New Zealand scientists have produced the first ever color X-Ray used on a human. Which is not all that useful as everything inside us turns out pretty much red.

A report says Russia is pursuing Jehovah’s Witnesses as extremists. They should have known not to ring Vladimir Putin’s doorbell at 7:00 on a Saturday morning.

A report says Russia is pursuing Jehovah’s Witnesses as extremists. Which is not good news for practitioners as the KGB has a history of not leaving behind too many witnesses.

Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh took time out from meetings on Capitol Hill to serve meals to the homeless. To which he told them all, “With me on board, each of these could be your last!”

A poll says a plurality of Germans want U.S. troops out of their country. To which everyone in Europe who was around in World War II is saying “How do you like it?”

A judge is weighing the competency of a man accused of mailing explosives. Although how competent is anyone who has something that needs to be delivered on a deadline and still uses the Post Office?

Students and alumni from Brett Kavanaugh’s alma mater Yale Law School say if he is place on the Supreme Court, “People will die.” Which at Yale they usually only say about Harvard grads.

Students and alumni from Brett Kavanaugh’s alma mater Yale Law School say if he is place on the Supreme Court, “People will die.” Which is scary as they didn’t even get that worked up about George W. Bush.

Donald Trump says there “may be an escalation” between the U.S. and Iran. Especially the minute he thinks starting a war would increase his popularity numbers.

Some England fans were so confident of a World Cup win they got premature celebration tattoos. Which will come as a real surprise to them when they sober up in another two weeks.

An Icelandic fishing magnate defended his company killing a blue whale, saying it was actually a hybrid. How bad is it when you can’t tell the difference between a cetacean and a Prius?

Build-A-Bear Workshop’s “Pay your age” promotion was canceled because of huge crowds. Which means there is not much of a chance of a follow-up offer by Nike for a “pay the age of the kid who made your shoe” sale.

South Dakota was named as the best state to retire. That is for the ten people in South Dakota who actually were able to find a job that paid them well enough to be able to retire before 93.

South Dakota was named as the best state to retire. That is for people who don’t mind planning out the day with the same suggestion of “How about going to see Mount Rushmore again?”

South Dakota was named as the best state to retire. Which is good for most people as long as they find somewhere else to live during the snowy time of year meaning every month but July.

A report says Americans are making progress paying back their debts. The sad part is they are finally just about done paying off the 30 year home loan that was foreclosed back in 2007.

A report says Americans are making progress paying back their debts. Meaning they are on track to finally finish paying off their college loans on schedule, sometime in 2067.

A report says U.S. consumer price increases are eating away at worker wage gains. Which means all those minimum wage raises are turning out to be for nothing.

A study says high blood pressure may contribute to the development of Alzheimer’s Disease. The good news is the dementia at least makes people forget what caused the stress that raised their blood pressure.

A study says people who feel younger also have the structural characteristics of a younger brain. Which you can tell are the ones at work who at break time like to finger paint, then have milk and cookies and a nap.

A study says rock music can have a harmful effect on environmental systems. To which researchers commenting on the study said “What?”

A study says rock music can have a harmful effect on environmental systems. No one had any idea that Scott Pruitt was secretly a huge metal head.

Keanu Reeves says a “Bill & Ted” sequel is “getting close.” In fact, it could be released to video any day now.

“Real Housewives” star Luann de Lesseps is reportedly dating her married agent. The question being are any of those housewives actually housewives?

Selena Gomez says she doesn’t believe in love at first sight. Especially after dating Justin Bieber all those years where every day was try, try again.

Lamar Odom is moving to China to work with an entertainment company. Apparently there just isn’t enough room on this side of the world for him and any of the Kardashians.

A second movie is already underway about the trapped Thai soccer team. Although this one has the boys trapped in a cave where they are rescued by the castaways from “Gilligan’s Island.”

Dwayne Johnson says he “needs experience” before running for President. Although that never seemed to get in the way of Donald Trump.

Dwayne Johnson says he “needs experience” before running for President. Which he has gotten with intelligence working in “Get Smart,” foreign aid in “Tooth Fairy” and in how to deal with extreme deficit spending making “Baywatch.”

A report says Kylie Jenner is on track to become the youngest self-made billionaire ever. Which is amazing she has even more money than half-sister Kim Kardashian who wrote the book on becoming famous and making a fortune with no discernible skills.

Former NBA player Charles Oakley was arrested for cheating at a Las Vegas casino. Apparently he was caught trying to take back a $100 chip from a losing hand. He would have better luck betting on the Knicks inviting him to be their guest at Madison Square Garden.

A proposed college football national injury report is reportedly facing roadblocks. Although it would take a lot less time to compile than a list of college football player missed classes.

The Scottish Open is using math problems to identify the number of each hole on its flag. The last one is “18>⅕.” Meaning playing 18 is always greater when followed with a fifth.

LeBron James is in talks to star in a comedy film with Paramount. Apparently the idea is to make it a sequel to “The Decision.”

Phil Mickelson says he will try to act better on the golf course. The question being why is that statement having to be made by a 48 year old who has won five majors?

Paul Manafort has been moved from the jail where he says he was treated like a “VIP.” The lesson here being when you are treated like a VIP in jail, it’s best to just keep your mouth shut.

White House aide Marc Short will be leaving the Trump Administration. Apparently he wanted to be the first to leave for a reason other than being fired or indicted.

Apple is ending its photo printing service. Mostly because it was too hard to explain to anyone under 30 how photographs can be seen in places other than on a cellphone.

The FCC is dropping plans to charge $225 to hear consumer complaints, with one commissioner saying “No one should be asked to pay $225 for this agency to do its job.” The question is how much will it cost to have the agency stop doing its job?

Facebook’s fifth annual diversity report shows a slow improvement in the company. Although some are questioning Mark Zuckerberg trying to count the fact he married an Asian woman.

A survey says half of young people want an electric car. Mostly because it’s easier to steal fuel from your neighbor with an extension cord than by siphoning their gas tank.

Protests have erupted in Uganda over the proposed five cent a day social media tax, with police using tear gas and bullets to control crowds. People were surprised. A social media tax is the issue that gets Ugandans out in the street to protest?

Ireland is set to become the first country to end investments in fossil fuels. Mostly because they feel more comfortable in putting their money into what they know, which is corn, rye, barley and copper tubing.

Ireland is set to become the first country to end investments in fossil fuels. Not because of the environment, but because they know they can’t go wrong putting their money into shamrocks, Guinness and Irish whiskey.

Bulletproof clothing designers say demand in the U.S. is on the rise. Especially for women who go around always flashing a pair of 38s.

Bulletproof clothing designers say demand in the U.S. is on the rise. The problem is for men whose wives ask “Does this dress make my butt look more like a .22 or a .45?

The DOJ will appeal the merger between AT&T and Time Warner after a judge rejected the government’s argument it would raise rates for consumers and stifle industry competition. To which most businesses are saying “Isn’t that the whole point of a merger?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is Friday the 13th. I’m not superstitious, I feel most things go wrong for a reason. Like the way we keep sending the same people back to Washington every couple of years. That is not something that is beyond our control but it keeps on happening. One thing good about Friday the 13th is the next two days are still Saturday and Sunday and there is nothing unlucky about that. I hope you all have a great weekend. I never have any complaints, especially when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This has NOTHING to do with Jim's blog and you shouldn't be posting ads here.