Friday, July 06, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

James Woods says he was dumped by his agent because of his conservative views. Although maybe Woods should have dumped him because the last three gigs he got were “Jamesy Boy,” “Bling” and “Dice.”

Sony made a faux pas when it loaded an entire movie online instead of the trailer. Which was bad for people watching the clip who saw the whole movie instead of spending only 45 seconds to see all the good parts.

Donald Trump is telling Nato members that the U.S. “can’t be the world’s piggy bank.” Especially when our own Treasury Department consists of one bit IOU for $20 Trillion.

Donald Trump says he wants NATO members to “pay for protection.” Since when did our diplomatic strategy take instructions directly from the script of “The Godfather”?

German Chancellor Angela Merkel is warning of a worldwide financial crisis. What, has she been in some kind of coma since 2007?

Uganda’s leader defended a nickel a day tax on social media, saying it is used for “lying.” Which is questioned by people as to why they have to pay for lying while politicians get to do it for free?

Donald Trump praised the military for keeping the country “safe, strong and proud.” At least up to the day of the 2016 election.

Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro is warning his army over Donald Trump’s “invasion” plans. Although that threat seems unlikely because the invading country would be stuck with the question “What do we do with this now?”

Harvard is fighting to keep its secretive admissions process under wraps. Like everyone doesn’t already know the way to get accepted is to be from a family that is rich, famous or influential.

Puerto Rico government officials are accused of misusing $8 Million in funds. The bigger question is where did anyone in Puerto Rico get their hands on $8 Million?

American Airlines along with Delta and United have gone with jets on all flights, ending the propeller era. Which isn’t a bad thing as that is otherwise known as the 1940s.

American Airlines along with Delta and United have gone with jets on all flights, ending the propeller era. Which is about as significant as Wells Fargo saying they have retired their last stagecoach.

A woman who climbed the Statue of Liberty on July 4th has been charged with trespassing. Wouldn’t you know that is the one place in the country where there is no actual liberty?

Donald Trump says he plans to press Vladimir Putin on election meddling and Ukraine aggression at their upcoming meeting. Meaning when Putin gives him a “wink, wink” he will give him one right back.

Iran is blaming the rise in oil prices on tweets from Donald Trump. Which is ironic considering oil is the one thing Trump didn’t add to his list of tariffs.

The Mayor of Sheffield, England says Donald Trump is “banned” from his city. Which is good news for Trump as he can save money on his visit there by flying in on a one-way ticket and just getting deported back to the states.

Synthesizer maker Moog Music says Donald Trump’s tariffs may force it to move overseas. The problem is that moving to China will mean changing its synthesizers to sound like bamboo flutes, reed pipes and gongs.

Aldi is selling quarter holders for a dollar so customers will always have a quarter for a shopping cart rental. Which means it will cost five quarters to keep people from having to just remember to bring along one when they go shopping.

Aldi is selling quarter holders for a dollar so customers will always have a quarter for a shopping cart rental. If having a quarter for a shopping cart is that much of a problem, maybe those customers need to be getting their groceries at the food bank.

American Airlines says it expects to fly 692,300 people on July 8th, the busiest day of summer. Which is no big deal other than the fact all their planes have a combined seat total of 520,000.

A Kentucky woman set off an Internet backlash after killing a giraffe in South Africa. It was the most controversial massacre involving giraffes since what they did to Toys “R” Us.

A report says a record number of people 85 and older are working. To which people are asking where are there companies still hiring anyone over 50?

A report says a record number of people 85 and older are working. Which wasn’t what they meant with the phrase “80 is the new 40.”

A report says a record number of people 85 and older are working. Which isn’t bad when considering it means they have only 8 more years on the job before reaching retirement age.

A report says plastic straws are not only bad for the environment but for the body, too with chemicals and by promoting bloating and cavities. What’s worse is they are still healthier than the sodas that people are using the straws to drink.

A report says illegal pot shops in California are undercutting the legal market. Which is apparently the result of all the old pot dealers just being too stoned over the past five years to ever read a newspaper.

A report says fatigue is responsible for many knee injuries in young athletes. Especially the ones who sit on a couch all day playing video games then try to get up for some soda and chips.

A study says fewer than 10% of women who freeze their eggs use them for a later pregnancy. Mostly because who wants to be in their 40s and worrying about how to lose baby weight?

A study says child obesity could be influenced by their mothers’ lifestyle habits. Especially the ones who like to start their kids’ day off with a cake and ice cream breakfast.

Scott Pruitt has resigned as EPA chief. Which is ironic in how his leaving actually improved the environment more than anything else he did by losing the stench from his office.

Scott Pruitt has resigned as EPA chief. His only regret was “So many trees, so little time to cut them all down.”

Vanessa Kirby denied rumors she is dating her “Mission Impossible” co star Tom Cruise. As far as romance with Tom Cruise goes, being a woman may be the real “Mission Impossible.”

“Flip or Flop” star Christina El Moussa says she will be building drug and alcohol rehabilitation centers. Which she will then try to flip for a profit.

Duchess Camilla has revealed Prince Charles’ favorite foods. Which turns out just like Camilla, he doesn’t mind someone just putting a bucket of oats over his ears.

Duchess Camilla has revealed Prince Charles’ favorite foods. Which by the looks of things, usually has something to do with a recipe involving prunes.

The CBS show “Big Brother” caused controversy with reported “inappropriate” and “offensive” behavior by cast members. Isn’t that pretty much the show’s plotline?

The CBS show “Big Brother” caused controversy with reported “inappropriate” and “offensive” behavior by cast members. Who do they think they are, Charlie Rose?

The CBS show “Big Brother” caused controversy with reported “inappropriate” and “offensive” behavior by cast members. The real controversy is why is that show still even on the air?

David and Victoria Beckham celebrated their anniversary amid speculation they are splitting. Which makes it their 19th anniversary and the 275th rumor they are breaking up.

NASCAR racers say they expect aggressive tactics and intense racing during the Daytona summer car race. Even Florida drivers are getting into the mix by increasing their freeway speed to 45 mph and only signalling three miles before making a lane change.

NASCAR racer Bubba Wallace was heard complaining about the 140 degree heat inside his race car. What’s even worse were his three kids sitting in the back seat the whole race yelling “Are we there yet?”

NASCAR racer Bubba Wallace was heard complaining about the 140 degree heat inside his race car. To which most people say it’s his own fault for not putting out the extra cash for a car that comes with factory air and a cup holder.

LaVar Ball says he will get along with LeBron James. Mostly because being around James is the only chance his kids will ever have at even getting close to an NBA postseason.

Defending Wimbledon women’s champ Garbine Muguruza was ousted in the second round this year. It turns out that “Muguruza” is also the sound made when sitting on an empty Gatorade bottle at Centre Court.

Outgoing EPA head Scott Pruitt is being accused of meeting with staffers to “scrub,” meaning altering or removing controversial events from his calendar. The good news is his staff now just has to scrub all his future events.

Charles Schumer is pushing Donald Trump to nominate Merrick Garland, President Obama’s nominee to the Supreme Court. Schumer has a better chance of convincing Trump to appoint Al Gore to take over the EPA.

Environmentalists say Scott Pruitt’s acting replacement Andrew Wheeler is even more anti-regulation than Pruitt. That’s like draining the swamp and replacing it with a bog, marsh and quagmire.

A Samsung Galaxy phone glitch reportedly sends random photos while users sleep. Which means some men may never wake up if those pictures of their girlfriend are sent to their wife.

A Facebook algorithm has found parts of the Declaration of Independence to be “racist.” Which is no surprise considering it is a 242 year old document signed by 56 old white men.

A Facebook algorithm has found parts of the Declaration of Independence to be “racist.” Mostly from the portrait of the signers where it was discovered many of them were wearing “MAGA” tricorns.

A study says traveling at the speed of light would take 200,000 years to go across the Milky Way Galaxy. Which coincidentally is exactly the same amount of time it would take to travel the entire 405 Freeway in a 1973 Ford Galaxy.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news on a personal note to wrap up this Friday edition of my blog. I just found out a good friend of mine from high school passed away this week. His name was Steve Dieterich and he was someone I used to hang around with quite a bit in my younger days. He was a lot of fun and I can’t believe we didn’t get into more trouble as our fun times usually included a lot of heavy drinking. We went our separate ways after high school but reconnected as usual on Facebook and stayed in touch quite a bit. He lived along the California coast and devoted much of his life to helping out stray dogs. I will miss him and once again it is a reminder to cherish your friends and loved ones because nothing is forever. Except some of my rants. But not this one. I will miss you, friend and just want to say you lived a very worthwhile life. So think of those who are closest to you and make sure that I am not the only one who you remember every day to always keep on sending the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks James for the daily comedy. So sorry about your friend. #Prayers