Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

An Arkansas woman shot and killed her husband after catching him buying porn. Apparently she was mad that he just didn’t go online like everyone else and get it all for free.


The body of a French skier lost in 1954 was found in Italy. No wonder they couldn’t find him. How steep was that downhill run to take him that far?


The body of a French skier lost in 1954 was found in Italy. He was missing for 64 years. And you thought the ski resorts you go to have some long lines.


Donald Trump called reporters “unpatriotic” for reporting on government affairs. It’s hard enough to run a corrupt administration without those people always snooping around.


Donald Trump called reporters “unpatriotic” for reporting on government affairs. Although it does create a diversion from when they start reporting on his extramarital affairs with porn stars.


Donald Trump called reporters “unpatriotic” for reporting on government affairs. Meaning if it were up to him, all the Pulitzer Prizes would go directly to Sean Hannity.


The FBI says the state people are most likely to be robbed in is Nevada. But only if they insist on playing the slot machines.


The FBI says the state people are most likely to be robbed in is Nevada. Which is amazing considering the state does not contain even one Disney theme park.


A survey says one in five young adults don’t know what an STD is. The other four have apparently managed to work into the inner circle of Paris Hilton.


A survey says one in five young adults don’t know what an STD is. Mostly because from staring at a smartphone screen all day they don’t have the money or the social skills to ever actually get a date.


A report says more employers are dropping requirements for a college degree or on the job experience. Why not? It worked for our President.


A report says more employers are dropping requirements for a college degree or on the job experience. Which will be a bit unnerving the next time you fly and see the teenagers sitting in the plane’s cockpit.


Iran’s currency has dropped to a record low. Which is pretty much about the same as the time when it made it to a record high.


Iran’s currency has dropped to a record low. Which is not too big of a deal in a country where the economy is based on selling some oil in order to buy a new donkey.


Iran’s currency has dropped to a record low. Which means it has fallen somewhere between the Mexican Peso  and Chuck E. Cheese token.


Austin is reportedly considering a name change because of its slaveholding past. That and because they are tired of being confused with having the same name as every other 10 year old Texas boy.


A 26 year old English man was caught by his wife having an affair with a 72 year old woman. Apparently he was just longing for the great grandmother he never had.


A 26 year old English man was caught by his wife having an affair with a 72 year old woman. Apparently he felt not limiting himself to the typical younger woman really expanded the field.


Greece is breeding a new type of donkey necessary to carry overweight tourists. Apparently they are trying to mate their current donkeys with elephants, hippos and Sherman tanks.


Greece is breeding a new type of donkey necessary to carry overweight tourists. They are trying to mate their current donkeys with greyhounds. Meaning the bus.


Greece is breeding a new type of donkey necessary to carry overweight tourists. Apparently their asses are just not big enough to support ours.


Greece is breeding a new type of donkey necessary to carry overweight tourists. How fat have we gotten when our backsides are too much of a burden even for a beast of burden?


A vending machine at San Francisco’s airport that dispenses vests reportedly brings in $10,000 a month. Which would sell even more in Detroit as long as the vests were bullet proof.


A vending machine at San Francisco’s airport that dispenses vests reportedly brings in $10,000 a month. It would generate even more money if they could figure out how a vending machine could give men going to Silicon Valley a man bun.


A feud between two neighbors in North Carolina has escalated to them building a fence of used tires from a landfill. That just caused the dispute to gain even more traction.


A feud between two neighbors in North Carolina has escalated to them building a fence of used tires from a landfill. Any hopes of them settling their dispute just got deflated.


A report says the use of massage parlor prostitutes is rising in New Hampshire. It looks like that story is not in for a happy ending.


A report says the use of massage parlor prostitutes is rising in New Hampshire. Which is otherwise known as going to a massage parlor.


A Detroit family ordering a pizza was amazed when the delivery man played Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” on their piano. They asked him what he was doing wasting his time delivering pizzas when he could get a job playing the piano in a mall.


A Detroit family ordering a pizza was amazed when the delivery man played Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” on their piano. Although they were less than happy having to spend the next two hours cleaning the grease off their piano keys.


McDonald’s has unveiled a coin to commemorate the 50th anniversary of the Big Mac. When you flip the coin, “heads” is for diabetes and “tails” is for coronary artery disease.


A UK “fake news” report by Parliament suggests fining tech companies for infractions. The only question is whether anyone was willing to believe the report was for real.


A UK “fake news” report by Parliament suggests fining tech companies for infractions. Although there was more interest in fining the politicians in Parliament every time they stretch the truth.


A German cruise ship operator is defending their shooting of a polar bear that attacked a crew member. Although the part of the story that was ignored was about the effects of climate change considering the polar bear was shot in Miami.


Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says she plans on retiring from the bench in another five years when she is 90. After that, she will just work part time until she reaches the typical retirement age of 93.


A study says the Democrats’ plan for Medicare for all would cost $32.6 Trillion for a decade. Which will be tough to push past health insurance companies since $32.6 Trillion also represents their current monthly profit margin.


A study says children’s exposure to alcohol in breast milk could lower their cognitive skills. Especially when the kids’ become used to having a white Russian for breakfast.


A study says children’s exposure to alcohol in breast milk could lower their cognitive skills. Especially when they want to breastfeed before bed and the bell sounds for “last call.”


A report says the death of Fiat CEO Sergio Marchionne is causing concern by companies for the health of their own CEOs. Because we all need to worry that CEOs just don’t have the resources or health insurance plans to get them the best medical care possible.


A report says the death of Fiat CEO Sergio Marchionne is causing concern by companies for the health of their own CEOs. Apparently it was just too much of a stress on his own health to try to prevent the demise of Fiat Chrysler.


A toddler’s birthday party at a Florida beach resulted in bacterial infections from going in the water. The good news is the child also stepped on enough discarded medical waste needles to get a complete inoculation.


Porn star Mia Khalifa says she needs breast surgery after being hit by a hockey puck. It was the first time a porn star was ever affiliated with an entire hockey team that was still on the ice.


Porn star Mia Khalifa says she needs breast surgery after being hit by a hockey puck. Only this time she is going to have her breast implants made out of Kevlar.


Porn star Mia Khalifa says she needs breast surgery after being hit by a hockey puck. If Donald Trump had been in a movie with her, would he be known as “Whiz Khalifa”?


The NFL is telling Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to stop talking about the league’s National Anthem policy. Which didn’t make officials happy that when they gave him those orders he just took a knee.


Bryson DeChambeau apologized for a fast handshake with the winner of the European Open golf tournament. Apparently his hands were sore from writer’s cramp after having to mark down all those big numbers with his final round of 78.


Bryson DeChambeau apologized for a fast handshake with the winner of the European Open golf tournament. After DeChambeau’s final round 78, the winner was lucky he wasn’t stabbed with the sharp end of a geometry compass.


Pete Rose blasted Major League Baseball, saying “That ball is juiced.” In fact, he said he would put down a grand on that if someone gave him 5 to 1 odds.


The Braves Sean Newcomb nearly no-hit the Dodgers, then had to apologize for some old tweets containing racist comments. Instead of fans hanging “K” signs for every strikeout, when he is on the mound they just put up a “KKK.”


Documents show that Donald Trump’s golf course in Scotland damaged protected sand dunes. Which was hard to prove since every golf course in Scotland is pretty much one big sand dune.


The Trump Administration is considering an additional $100 Billion tax cut just for the wealthy. Mostly because the rich missed out on the last tax cut since they don’t pay any in the first place.


The Trump Administration is considering an additional $100 Billion tax cut just for the wealthy. It’s part of a plan to prime the pump to boost sagging sales of Mercedes Benz, mansions in the Hamptons and Gulf Stream jets.


Donald Trump is threatening to shut down the government over border and immigration issues. To which most people are good with as a total shutdown would save us $4 Trillion a year.


Donald Trump is threatening to shut down the government over border and immigration issues. Which would be a complete gift for all the immigrants who could just walk right into the country without any Border Patrol agents on the job.


Attorney General Jeff Sessions says the U.S. culture is “less hospitable” to people of faith. Which will impact more and more people who have turned to prayer as the last resort to try to get some health insurance.


Donald Trump says he will meet with Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani without preconditions. To which people who lost their Obamacare health insurance are saying “NOW he believes in doing away with preexisting conditions.”


A Virginia congressional campaign has come down to whether one of the candidates is into “Bigfoot erotica.” Which could qualify as the world’s largest foot fetish.


A Virginia congressional campaign has come down to whether one of the candidates is into “Bigfoot erotica.” Which is good to know with the economy, jobs and healthcare the major issues in most campaigns, that’s the biggest problem the people in Virginia need to take to the polls.


A Colorado measure would remove the term “slavery” from the state’s constitution. Which can be credited to the legalization of pot with getting enough people stoned enough to actually read the state’s constitution.


A University of Georgia professor has apologized for calling a GOP gubernatorial candidate a “nice guy” on Twitter. Apparently he had no idea Twitter was reserved exclusively for threats, insults and intimidation.


A homeless man handing out resumes in Silicon Valley has been getting job offers. The problem is that he already had a job paying $100,000 a year which is why he was still homeless in Silicon Valley.


The Senate has introduced a $95 Million bill to study the effect of tech on children. The only problem is all the research will have to be done over cellphones because that is the only way they can ever get the attention of any kids.


A Lyft driver in Florida is being accused of stealing a customer’s credit card and running up charges of $1,000. He could have done the same thing by just picking up a ride to the airport during surge pricing.


A study says the edge of space is now 12 miles closer to Earth. Which will be good news if it results in discounts that will drop those space tourism rides down below $200,000.


A shareholder is suing Facebook after shares plunged 20% last week. Although Mark Zuckerberg showed he will not tolerate that kind of behavior by immediately unfriending him.


Twitter has hired researchers to study the “health” of its “discourse. Which is already pretty obvious to all the Twitter users who lost friends, saw their marriage end and have witnessed the country moving to the brink of civil war.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am so excited to now bring you the audio version of my blog with my podcast at http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/. If you find you just don’t have the time to peruse through all the comedy, let me read those gags to you while you are in the car, killing time at the office or sponging off the free Wi-Fi at Starbucks. Please tell your friends about the podcast as I believe it is the only one where you can get nothing but topical jokes five days a week. Mostly because I am the only one cranking out enough material to cover that. The more people you tell, the more hits I will have and the more likely I will be able to continue this endeavor. Whether that is a good thing is besides the point right now. If you want to post it on Facebook and get your friends to share it that would be awesome. It would be even better than when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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