Tuesday, July 03, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Magicians Penn and Teller canceled several shows after a reported back injury. Apparently Penn had a problem putting Teller’s spine back together after sawing him in half.

A private school in New York caused an uproar after announcing plans to segregate students by race. Which is pretty much the whole concept of private schools.

A private school in New York caused an uproar after announcing plans to segregate students by race. Usually, private schools just segregate students by income.

A CBS TV station in Albuquerque went briefly dark after an intruder broke in. Which is different from most affiliates that go dark because of CBS programming.

Google is building a city of the future in Toronto. Which they figured out how the future would appear by looking it up on Google.

Google is building a city of the future in Toronto. Mostly because that was the idea behind EPCOT in Orlando but it’s hard to say a 36 year old idea is still the future.

Google is building a city of the future in Toronto. In fact, it was even built in chilly Toronto to take account how the city will soon be getting much warmer because of climate change.

A Norwegian Cruise Line crew member who fell overboard was rescued after 22 hours by a Carnival cruise ship. It took that long to convince him floating with a life vest was not safer than being on Carnival.

A cannabis historian says Jesus used pot which may have been responsible for some miracles. It turns out Lazarus wasn’t resurrected from the dead, he was just roused from being really stoned.

A study says coffee may boost the chances of living a longer life. Mostly for the people who realize they will be working until 93 just to pay off their Starbucks bill.

A study says coffee may boost the chances living longer. Except for the men who are having a morning cup in bed with their girlfriend when her husband walks in.

Donald Trump is temporarily reorganizing the White House staff to focus on confirmation of a Supreme Court justice. Which a reorganization of the entire staff is otherwise known in the White House as “Tuesday.”

Madeline Albright called Donald Trump the “Most undemocratic president in modern American history.” To which George W. Bush agrees, saying the same goes for him because they are both Republicans.

Madeline Albright called Donald Trump the “Most undemocratic president in modern American history.” People were surprised. Modern history doesn’t include Nixon?

A boys’ soccer team trapped in a flooded cave were found alive after nine days. They found the experience about as exciting as if they were at home watching an overtime 0-0 tie in the World Cup.

A boys’ soccer team trapped in a flooded cave were found alive after nine days. Which brings up the question of how bad is the coach’s GPS directional system that they ended up in a cave in the first place?

Ugandans are taking to Twitter to protest a 5 cent tax on using social media. Which will bring in millions of dollars for all the people who will start using social media just to complain about the tax.

Ugandans are taking to Twitter to protest a 5 cent tax on using social media. Which is worth it for the people living in Uganda to actually have something to do all day.

Hawaii will ban some sunscreens to protect coral reefs. The only problem will be all the tourists who will end up with skin that has the same texture as a sea urchin.

Beyonce climbed down an emergency ladder after the stage she was performing on in Poland broke. Jay-Z was right with her as usual, as long as it doesn’t involve getting on an elevator with her sister Solange.

The EU is warning Donald Trump that auto tariffs could lead to $300 Billion in retaliation. To which Trump says the joke is on them as the U.S. doesn’t even manufacture $300 Billion worth of goods.

A report says the average 401(k) account is worth $103,000. The problem being that it is hard to retire with a 401(k) that is less than $401K.

A report says the average 401(k) account is worth $103,000. Which puts most people on the mark for their goal of being able to retire right around 93.

A report says LeBron James has made $234 Million over his career with another $154 Million in the next four years. Which means hopefully he put enough away to be able to afford the commute from where he can afford to buy in San Bernardino.

A report lists the most regretted expense at weddings. Which for men is mostly the following alimony payments.

Canada has begun imposing tariffs on U.S. goods including ketchup and lawnmowers. Which won’t make too much of a difference as Canadians only pour maple syrup on everything only need to use a lawnmower one weekend a year.

Tesla reached its goal of building 5,000 Model 3 vehicles in the final week of the quarter. Mostly to replace the 5,000 they sold that already caught fire and burned to the chassis.

Kentucky has cut vision and dental care to 460,000 people. Which works out as they won’t be able to see how few teeth they have left.

A report says Pfizer is hiking the price of Viagra and 100 other drugs. Their excuse is that it has been three whole days since the last time they raised their prices.

A report says Pfizer is hiking the price of Viagra and 100 other drugs. Which means Viagra customers will see a raise in the cost of getting a rise.

A survey says one in four teen girls have harmed themselves. The other three don’t need to since they get harmed enough by other teen girls.

Sitting has been tied to the risk of death from 14 diseases. Which means those people really need to start cleaning off their couch a little more.

A study says piano lessons can help kids build language skills. Especially all the swear words they learn when their siblings slam the piano lid on their fingers.

A study says piano lessons can help kids build language skills. Mostly becoming more creative in coming up with original excuses as to why they don’t practice.

A USDA study says people aren’t washing their hands properly 97% of the time when cooking. Although even then it is still safer than eating at Taco Bell.

England’s Princess Eugenie has shared X-Rays from her childhood surgery for scoliosis. Which was urgent for someone who could not go through life with a crooked spine when their only job is sitting on a throne.

Ed Sheeran is being accused by Marvin Gaye’s estate of copying one of his songs. Which to Marvin Gaye’s estate means he composed a song that has rhythm, a melody and some lyrics.

LeBron James has signed with the Lakers for $153 Million over four years. Fans in L.A. haven’t been this excited about the possibility of another NBA Championship street riot since the last time they won in 2010.

LeBron James has signed with the Lakers for $153 Million over four years. Although he already pretty much gave away his intentions when he showed up at the NBA Championships this year wearing a suit with short pants.

LeBron James will wear #23 for the Lakers which caused jersey sales to spike. The only problem is that royalties are being demanded for selling that number from former wearers Mitch Richmond, Von Wafer and Stu Lantz.

Sloane Stephens lost in the first round of Wimbledon for the second straight year. Of all people, it turns out she is modeling her career after Anna Kournikova.

Golfer Jeff Dahmen accused Sung Kang of cheating in the final round of the Quicken Loans National, saying he took an improper drop. It got so heated, both golfers actually gave each other a prolonged scowl.

Golfer Jeff Dahmen accused Sung Kang of cheating in the final round of the Quicken Loans National, saying he took an improper drop. It’s the biggest cheating scandal on Tour since a golfer was accused of using a pencil with an eraser.

Golfer Jeff Dahmen accused Sung Kang of cheating in the final round of the Quicken Loans National, saying he took an improper drop. Remember the old days when rules infraction controversies were phoned in by fans watching on TV?

A brawl during a basketball game between Australia and the Philippines resulted in 13 ejections. For one thing, officials need to learn teams are only permitted to have five players on the court at once.

A Cardinals groundskeeper was hit in the head by an errant ceremonial pitch. He should have been warned the first pitch was being thrown out by 50 Cent.

The owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers says he will retire LeBron James’ jersey. Along with the team’s chances of ever being in another postseason.

Roger Federer says he has recently been selected for more frequent drug testing. Although at age 36 the only substance he is testing positive for is Centrum Silver.

California Representative Devin Nunes warned LeBron James about having to pay the biggest taxes of his career moving to L.A. To which people making $153 Million over four years are saying “What are taxes?”

California Representative Devin Nunes warned LeBron James about having to pay the biggest taxes of his career moving to L.A. People can only hope he can put aside enough of that nearly $40 Million a year salary to cover some of that.

Scott Pruitt reportedly asked an aide to help find a job for his wife that pays at least $200,000 a year. Wouldn’t you know the only environment that the EPA Chief is trying to protect is the swamp?

Sarah Sanders says Donald Trump is looking for a Supreme Court nominee with the right intellect, temperament and who will uphold the Constitution. Which means exactly the opposite of what he was looking for when he hired Sanders.

The FBI says a potential terrorist plot was foiled in Cleveland. Mostly because the terrorists planning it said what’s the point with LeBron James moving to L.A.?

A record low of 47% say they are “extremely proud to be American.” Which is really bad for Lee Greenwood who has seen his royalties pretty much cut in half.

Michael Cohen says his “family and country” come before Donald Trump. And it’s tough to enjoy either one when spending the next 10-20 years in prison.

Match.com says the most popular day for dating is July 8th. Mostly because July 4th doesn’t work because even on a bad date most people say they saw fireworks.

Match.com says the most popular day for dating is July 8th. Although if you are just getting one date a year, you might need to rework your dating site profile.

Scientists say they have captured the first images of a planet being born. Which means all we have to do here on Earth is wait another 4 Billion years and it will be ready for us to move right in.

A paranormal investigator claims he has discovered a “time warp” outside of Las Vegas. That’s nothing new. It’s called Reno.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tomorrow is the 4th of July and I will be taking the day off like most other people. Of course at this point I still have pretty much every day off but I mean from the joke writing. I will be back on Thursday, mostly because the only news on Wednesday will be about all the injuries from people celebrating the 4th. I am going to stay at home and just console my poor dog who gets scared to death from the fireworks. Of course, the rest of us are worried wondering if it is fireworks or just some random gunfire. It’s hard to tell anymore. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, and even though I am off it would still be very special to know you are all remembering to always keep on sending the love!



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