Sunday, July 29, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Julie Chen is backing her husband, CBS CEO Les Moonves after allegations of sexual misconduct. Mostly because she is in the tough position of being with a man who if she gets on his bad side could end up both divorced and fired.

A report says alcohol is being kept away from Britney Spears on her tour. Apparently when she drinks she can make bad decisions, like getting married the first time for 55 hours and the next time to Kevin Federline.

A report says alcohol is being kept away from Britney Spears on her tour. Apparently it is very hard to be drunk and still be able to keep the mental sharpness to maintain the precision of her expert lip syncing.

Disneyland resort workers have approved a contract calling for a raise in the minimum wage to $15 an hour. Which means along with that they will now only need to work at two other additional jobs to keep from being homeless in Southern California.

Twitter stocks tanked after reports of fewer users. Mostly from people seeing how their old tweets resurfacing have resulted in ruining their career, losing friends and ending their marriage.

Developers are building $4 Million “mindful” homes to reduce stress. Which is easy to do since if you have $4 Million for a house, how much stress can their be in your life?

Developers are building $4 Million “mindful” homes to reduce stress. The only stress being on the developer trying to unload a $4 Million mindful home.

A study says 4 in 10 men experience “inexplicable sadness” after sex. Mostly from the fear that if their wife finds out, they will lose half of everything they own.

A study says 4 in 10 men experience “inexplicable sadness” after sex. Probably because in most cases they realize they just parted with $200 they will never see again.

A study says 4 in 10 men experience “inexplicable sadness” after sex. Mostly the ones who are married who know that they will have to wait another six weeks to get to try it again.

Nuns in the Vatican are opening up about sex abuse from priests. Although some are skeptical of their stories. There are priests who are attracted to women?

Ecuador’s president says WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange must leave the embassy. Apparently the maids are complaining that he keeps missing the toilet with his WikiLeaks.

Ecuador’s president says WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange must leave the embassy. Although the report hasn’t been verified, it was just somehow mysteriously leaked.

An Egyptian court has sentenced 75 people to death over a 2013 sit-in. Which is just more proof that excessive sitting can be bad for your health.

Pope Francis I has accepted the resignation of a Washington, D.C. bishop after allegations of child abuse. Is it just me, or does there seem to be some kind of pattern emerging here?

A report says Civil War reenactments are in a decline. Mostly because people figure why go watch a phony reenactment when you can see the real thing ready to erupt any time a group holds a political rally?

A report says a judge is unlikely to grant a gag order for Stormy Daniels’ lawyer. Mostly because anyone who is familiar with Michael Avenatti knows it’s impossible to keep him from going more than three seconds before blurting out something else about the case.

A report says a judge is unlikely to grant a gag order for Stormy Daniels’ lawyer. It won’t help with Daniels, either as she has made a career out of being able to control her gag reflex.

A California teen was arrested after breaking into a house and asking a sleeping couple to use their Wi-Fi. Which is still more polite than the old days when teens would break in to steal the silverware to pawn it for quarters to go to the arcade.

A California teen was arrested after breaking into a house and asking a sleeping couple to use their Wi-Fi. How bad is it when people are breaking in so they can stream “Breaking Bad”?

A private plane made an emergency landing on Chicago’s busy Lake Shore Drive during rush hour. Mostly because the pilot realized getting the plane towed and going through an investigation would still take less time than going through O’Hare.

The Trump Administration plans to scrap a rule meant to limit abuses by for-profit colleges. Which is not a conflict of interest since there was never an actual profit ever reported by Trump University.

Rapper Cardi B says she is not ready to tour yet after the birth of her daughter, saying she “underestimated the whole mommy thing.” Meaning she had no idea how tough it is to screen, interview and hire all those potential nannies.

A report says housing starts have dropped 35.8% in the Midwest. Mostly because 35.8% fewer people like the idea of living in the Midwest.

Donald Trump again appears to have touted unreleased information with the recent Commerce Department economic report. Apparently the only documents he feels the need to keep completely secret are still his tax returns.

Striking window washers in Chicago have ratified a new contract. Apparently union leaders wanted the issue settled as they were worried that without the washers on the job, there would be issues with transparency.

Striking window washers in Chicago have ratified a new contract. The agreement calls for a raise and for building tenants to stop pointing at the windows and mouthing “You missed a spot.”

Subscription based movie ticket service MoviePass temporarily ran out of money last week. Apparently even they can’t afford $10 for a ticket and $24 for a soft drink, popcorn and candy.

A report says the U.S. economy grew 4.1% in the last quarter. Which is good for the 4.1% of Americans who don’t find themselves financially down to their last quarter.

A report says U.S. investors are not biting on Bitcoin. Mostly because the cryptocurrency is still just slightly less reliable than the Peso.

A report says U.S. investors are not biting on Bitcoin. Mostly because if investors want to put their money in something that is completely volatile and could become worthless at any time, that’s what the stock market is for.

A survey says most Americans feel OK in tweaking baby genes for certain characteristics. As long as it is for the important things making their child more attractive, getting better grades or being able to get an athletic scholarship.

A study says sleeping with a fan on is not dangerous. Especially for rock stars who can explain it away to their wives as it is just another meaningless groupie.

A study says cellphones in the classroom contribute to failing grades. But then how else are students supposed to get the answers for their tests?

A study says cellphones in the classroom contribute to failing grades. Except when the students have some compromising photos to bargain with after sexting back and forth with the teacher.

The world’s oldest person has died in Japan at the age of 117. The interesting part was she was born in 1901, meaning she came into the world before the invention of the airplane but died after the demise of airline customer service.

A study says ADHD drugs don’t help the grades of healthy students. Which means during finals week, those kids will have to go back to the traditional study aids of alcohol, pot and amphetamines.

The CDC says gun homicides are on the rise. Which just shows how lazy Americans have become, that they won’t even get up off the couch when they want to kill someone.

Norman Lear has signed a contract with Sony that will bring back TV programs like “All In The Family,” “The Jeffersons” and “Good Times.” Although the sad part is that at age 96 Lear thinks they are all original shows.

Speaking of being 96...Betty White says she has no plans to retire at 96. To which most Americans say there is no way they could work that long. They insist on calling it quits when they reach their retirement age goal of only 93.

Roseanne has apologized for her offensive tweet, calling herself a “creative genius.” Which thanks to her tweet caused her staff to create some long lines at the unemployment office.

Eagles safety Malcolm Jenkins called Cowboys owner Jerry Jones a “bully” over his policy on the National Anthem. To which other owners are saying he’ll have to deal with it as being a bully is pretty much in the league owners’ manual as a job description.

Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins has cut his hair for the first time in 12 years. Which means he still came in a few months shy of the last haircut by Donald Trump.

A little known NASDAQ company called Fiserv has bought the naming rights for the next 25 years to the new arena of the Milwaukee Bucks. Which is a pretty bold move considering there are only three NASDAQ companies that have ever been around more than six weeks.

A little known NASDAQ company called Fiserv has bought the naming rights for the next 25 years to the new arena of the Milwaukee Bucks. Which brings back memories of the glorious two weeks of the ill-fated Pets.com Bowl.

An elementary school principal in Minnesota has set a record for playing the fastest hole of golf at just over a minute and a half. Which is easy to do there when you have a 50 mph tailwind and have to keep moving to avoid freezing to death when it’s 40 below.

An elementary school principal in Minnesota has set a record for playing the fastest hole of golf at just over a minute and a half. Although that is being disputed by anyone ever making a hole-in-one where the average time on the hole is about seven seconds.

An elementary school principal in Minnesota has set a record for playing the fastest hole of golf at just over a minute and a half. Which is just slightly longer than the record for fastest hole on the PGA Tour which is just under 47 minutes.

An elementary school principal in Minnesota has set a record for playing the fastest hole of golf at just over a minute and a half. He has changed the “three R’s” to “Rip it, run, and roll it in.”

A new bill would make it illegal for federal law enforcement officials to have sex with people in their custody. The question coming to mind is why is that not already considered pretty much something that isn’t allowed?

“Dave,” the movie about an accidental president is being adapted for the stage. Apparently the idea came from seeing how it has been playing out in front of a live audience already for the past year and a half at the White House.

Attorney Michael Avenatti says three women were paid “hush money” by Donald Trump before the election. It’s just too bad the women paid to be silent weren’t Sarah Sanders, Kellyanne Conway and Omarosa.

Facebook lost $120 Billion in value in a single day last week, the biggest one day loss by any U.S. company. Which is only different than the time AOL merged with Time Warner in that Facebook at least has a chance to make some of that money back.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the blog. Now I can also offer you the chance to sit back on the couch, put down the reading glasses and let me make it easier for you by just reading the jokes to you myself. That would be with my new podcast, News Jokes By Jim. I am making five podcasts a week, just like the blog where I do my best to actually deliver the jokes in a humorous way. Which isn’t easy considering some of the material. In any event, the podcasts are available on ShoutEngine and iTunes, by just using this link: http://shoutengine.com/NewsJokesByJim/. There you go. They last about 15 minutes and give you all the news and jokes you will need to get through the day. Please feel free to get back to me with any feedback you might have. For that, just e-mail me at jimbarach@hotmail.com. I am always looking for ways to improve the product. Besides giving up. Beat you to that one. And when you are e-mailing me about the podcast, you can also use that opportunity to let me know you are remembering to always keep on sending the love!

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