Friday, July 27, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Mark Zuckerberg lost $15 Billion in net worth in five minutes as Facebook shares crashed after a disappointing earnings report. The good news is that Zuckerberg can use all those shares of Facebook stock to wallpaper his new 50,000 square foot mansion.


Mark Zuckerberg lost $15 Billion in net worth in five minutes as Facebook shares crashed after a disappointing earnings report. The worst part was being unfriended by all those millions of Facebook users who only liked him because he had money.


Mark Zuckerberg lost $15 Billion in net worth in five minutes as Facebook shares crashed after a disappointing earnings report. It was so bad he even got a sympathy card from the people who founded Pets.com.


An Iranian general has warned Donald Trump they will destroy “everything you own.” To which Trump says go ahead, he has already put it all in Ivanka’s name.


Heatwaves are being forecast to be the new normal in the UK, which could triple the heat-related deaths there. In fact, August temperatures in Scotland could make it as high as 63 degrees Fahrenheit.


A photographer in Minnesota snapped pictures of a mama duck with 76 ducklings. Although it turns out the duck was really just running an unauthorized day care.


A naked man was found doing jumping jacks in the women’s restroom at a Tennessee McDonald’s. People were shocked. A McDonald’s customer was doing exercise?


Technology in Japan allows snoozing workers to be blasted with a shot of icy air conditioning. If they did that here the offices at the DMV would all be 30 below zero.


On that note...A California DMV worker is reported to have slept at her desk three hours a day for three years. The question being why did it take three years for anyone to even notice?


Several Bank of America customers have found their safety deposit boxes gone. Apparently the bank just figured with those people only having $5 in their savings account, why could they possibly need a box?


Several Bank of America customers have found their safety deposit boxes gone. The worst part is that the contents were all put into boxes at Wells Fargo that actually turned out to be fake.


A survey says the average person only experiences 15 “perfect” days a year. Fortunately, for the other 350 there is Valium, Librium and Xanax.


A survey says the average person only experiences 15 “perfect” days a year. Those are the days where their checkbook actually shows a positive balance.


A survey says the average person only experiences 15 “perfect” days a year. Which in North Dakota are the days where there is sunshine and the temperature makes it above freezing.


A report says the Amazon face ID tool mismatched 28 members of Congress to police suspect mugshots. When it comes to identifying criminals, it should have singled out all 435.


Sean Spicer was heckled by a crowd at a book event. It turns out it was just Sarah Huckabee Sanders saying “Thanks for quitting and getting me into this mess!”


A report says burned out Millennials are just walking away from lucrative jobs. Which sounds worse than it is considering Millennials’ definition of a “lucrative” job is anything paying above minimum wage.


A report says burned out Millennials are just walking away from lucrative jobs. Apparently they figure they would rather have time off in their 30s than their 90s when they will actually be able to afford to retire.


Fiat says they were unaware that their chain smoking, workaholic former CEO Sergio Marchionne was critically ill. Although the first clues should have been that he was a chain smoker who never left the office.


Papa John’s founder John Schnatter says he will ask investors to seek new leadership to straighten out the company. The question being it’s a pizza chain. How hard can it be to keep it from being mired in scandal?


Pilots on an Iraqi Airways flight got into a fist fight in the cockpit at 37,000 feet. Apparently it came down to which one would get stuck eating the inflight meal of fish. (Homage to “Airplane”)


Pilots on an Iraqi Airways flight got into a fist fight in the cockpit at 37,000 feet. To which Southwest Airlines pilots say that’s what happens when there is no alcohol served up front during Happy Hour.


American Airlines has ended their ban on carry on items for Basic Economy passengers. Which allows those people to know bring on small disguise kits so they won’t be recognized as having to fly Basic Economy.


Disney has announced a plan to ban plastic straws and stirrers at theme parks. Mostly because park goers can just stir and sip their drinks by using the Tinker Bell Magic Wand which are available at all souvenir stands for $27.50.


McDonald’s says its sales are up with higher prices despite having fewer customers. Which is good news for the fast food chain that its upscale pricing has narrowed it down to a much more exclusive clientele.


Airlines are trimming flights to make up for higher fuel prices. Although some of the less popular flights are working under the rule if the plane isn’t full, the fuel tanks won’t be either until someone passes the hat.


A poll says 30% of Americans say they use a ride sharing service. Mostly Uber and Lyft with those who have nothing to lose still occasionally taking a chance on hitchhiking.


A poll says 30% of Americans say they use a ride sharing service. The other 70% say their main source of income is being an Uber or Lyft driver.


A 94 year old New York man was arrested for shooting his gun at a retirement home worker. It was just fortunate he wasn’t able to get off another shot as he was slow to get out his powder horn along with another musket ball.


A 94 year old New York man was arrested for shooting his gun he had hidden in his walker at a retirement home worker. Apparently he was upset at losing his hallway rascal scooter privileges.


A 94 year old New York man was arrested for shooting his gun at a retirement home worker. He says it was justified as he warned that punk several times to get off his lawn!


A study says having sex makes people feel better the next day. Mostly the men who know their wives didn’t catch them.


A study says having sex makes people feel better the next day. Especially for the ones who don’t realize they had sex until the next day after they finally sober up.


A study in the UK says people need to use sunscreens with a higher SPF number Which in Scotland on a summer day means going as high as -14.


An investigation says the U.S. is the most dangerous place in the developed world to give birth. Mostly from what activities people have to get involved with to come up with enough money to put that kid through college.


Maryland state inspectors are still not clear on what sickened 176 people at a beer and oyster festival last year. Although it may have had to do something with people overeating oysters and drinking too much beer.


The original cast of the 1980 movie “9 to 5” will return for a sequel, including Dolly Parton, Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin and Dabney Coleman. The only plot difference is that now their day is broken up at 4:00 so they can all go out for the Early Bird Special.


The original cast of the 1980 movie “9 to 5” will return for a sequel, including Dolly Parton, Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin and Dabney Coleman. The plot line has them all still at the same job after realizing that no pension and Social Security cuts will force them to work until they are 93.


Demi Lovato will enter rehab following her release from the hospital after an overdose. Even Kim Kardashian is starting to ask what Lovato actually does for a living besides make headlines.


Kelsey Grammer is looking at a reboot of “Frasier.” The good news being it will mean the first paying job for David Hyde Pierce in 14 years.


Kelsey Grammer is looking at a reboot of “Frasier.” Not to say the characters are getting older, but the show will be based on Frasier Crane having to move from Boston to Seattle and finally wanting to retire to a warmer climate in Florida.


Chance Warmack will become the first NFL player to collect on a loss of value insurance policy with the Eagles. Which brings up the question why aren’t those policies being cashed out by everyone on the Browns?


Lamar Odom will play basketball for a team in China. Mostly because it’s the one place he can go where no one knows about the past of Lamar Odom.


Lamar Odom will play basketball for a team in China. Apparently that’s the closest place on the planet where there are no Kardashians, no brothels and no weekend long cocaine parties.


A Cubs fan escaped serious injury from falling debris by wearing a bucket on his head to a game. How far will Steve Bartman go to not be recognized?


A Cubs fan escaped serious injury from falling debris by wearing a bucket on his head to a game. Which makes Orioles fans wonder if Chris Davis would be hitting over .200 if he, too would take the bucket off his head and use a batting helmet.


The 49ers Jimmy Garappolo says he has learned a life lesson after being put in the spotlight on a date with a porn star. To which Donald Trump is saying “Tell me about it.”


PGA chief Pete Bevacqua is leaving to take a job with NBC. Which his main job to get a ratings boost for the Tour will be trying to get Tiger Woods to commit to playing 40 tournaments a year.


Prison inmates in Idaho hacked into a system to transfer a quarter million dollars into their accounts. The warden became suspicious when all the prisoners gained 50 pounds from eating candy bars and got emphysema from smoking unlimited cigarettes.


The Georgia police officers who used a coin toss to determine whether they arrested a woman have been fired. In making the final decision, the police chief drew a higher card from the deck.


The Georgia police officers who used a coin toss to determine whether they arrested a woman have been fired. This time, when the chief called “heads,” he meant theirs.


Facebook’s $124 Billion loss on Thursday was the biggest single day drop in value ever for a U.S. company. The worst part was getting a note from Lehman Brothers saying “Tag, you’re it!”


Wal-Mart shoppers in Arizona are being offered to be driven to the store and back by a driverless Waymo car. Which means driving a golf cart to the pick-up spot and a Rascal scooter around the store will allow a day of shopping without your shoes touching the ground.


Wal-Mart shoppers in Arizona are being offered to be driven to the store and back by a driverless Waymo car. Between the driverless car, self-check registers and shelving robots, people can do a whole day of shopping without having to talk to another human.


A $75,000 study is set to discover what panhandlers in Orlando do with their money. The sad part is researchers are raising money for the study by standing on freeway off ramps with signs saying “Will do research for $75,000.”


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! As soon as I am done posting this I will fire up the mic and do episode #17 of News Jokes By Jim, my podcast which is basically me reading all these jokes. Imagine how much time and energy you will save by having me do the reading for you. Just go to ShoutEngine or iTunes and look it up. You can listen at home, at work, in the car, all those places you would rather have earbuds in so no one will actually bother you with those annoying things you are supposed to be doing instead. Make sure to tell your friends about it, too. I would like to get a solid listenership going so that I can retire on the $14.75 I could actually be pulling in a month from this venture. I hope you enjoy the podcast and that you have a great weekend. And don’t let any of my many products and services get in the way of you always remembering to keep on sending the love!

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