Thursday, July 26, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

The FBI is warning of a blackmail scam claiming to have evidence of adultery. No wonder Donald Trump has had it out for the FBI ever since the Stormy Daniels case broke.

Former Chrysler CEO Sergio Marchionne has died at age 66 from complications after shoulder surgery. Which is sad that the man who was smart enough to able to save Chrysler from bankruptcy apparently found an orthopedic surgeon using Craig’s List.

Former Chrysler CEO Sergio Marchionne has died at age 66 from complications after shoulder surgery. Which is ironic in that most Chryslers you see on the road these days are usually parked on the shoulder.

An audit says a California DMV worker slept at her desk three hours a day for three years. Although it turns out that only left her five hours for lunch and her cigarette breaks.

An audit says a California DMV worker slept at her desk three hours a day for three years. People were surprised. A DMV worker was actually in the office three hours a day?

A pizza delivery worker who was detained by ICE for nearly two months has been released. Although that pretty much killed the half hour guarantee on his last order.

Serena Williams lashed out about “discrimination” over the number of times she has been tested for drugs. Well, if she doesn’t want to be accused of using performance enhancement drugs, maybe she should try losing a match once in awhile.

A cryptocurrency tycoon claims he is on track to be the world’s first trillionaire. Which the way Bitcoin is going means in six months he could also be on the way to a net worth of $12.75.

A report says stressed out rich people are retreating to sensory deprivation tanks for relief. Although many others say the motto of the wealthy is “We’ll never be deprived of anything!”

San Francisco is on edge after the third murder on the BART system in less than a week. Although at least it is still safer than hailing a ride on Uber.

The U.S. smoking rate is has dropped to a new low of 16%. Mostly from the fact that all the people who smoked back in the 1970s are off the books now that they are dead.

Yoko Ono is planning to release a new album at age 85 for peace. Which means for anyone who wants real peace, don’t play that album.

Yoko Ono is planning to release a new album at age 85 for peace. Apparently she is just in the music business so she can break up Paul and Ringo.

NOAA’s next generation weather satellite is reportedly malfunctioning and may not be able to be fixed. Which is finally the excuse all those meteorologists have been waiting for to put the blame on all their missed forecasts.

A report says home sales in Southern California have dropped 11.8% as the median price of houses there have reached a record $536,250. Which means the drop in sales could have something to do with nobody being able to afford to pay $536,250 for a house.

A report says home sales in Southern California have dropped 11.8% as the median price of houses there have reached a record $536,250. Which brings up the question at those prices, why isn’t the rate of sales dropping to more around 100%?

Thieves stole $30,000 worth of gadgets from an Apple Store in California. The good news is that the store will just have to replace that iPhone X that was taken.

A band of women thieves targeted several Lululemon stores in the Bay Area. The sad part being the only people who are still using brick and mortar stores in the digital age are shoplifters.

A mayoral candidate in Key West, Florida took a call from God on his cellphone during a debate. After which hearing the report Donald Trump denied he had made an endorsement in the race.

A mayoral candidate in Key West, Florida took a call from God on his cellphone during a debate. Wouldn’t you know his carrier was AT&T and the call was dropped before he could even put him on speaker?

A mayoral candidate in Key West, Florida took a call from God on his cellphone during a debate. Which is polite of God to at least contact him by phone instead of all those other voices that just stay in his head.

An Oregon woman found a cougar napping in her living room and says she used telepathy to get it to leave. There hasn’t been that much of a docile encounter between a human and a cougar since Ashton Kutcher got together with Demi Moore.

A report says Michael Cohen founded a shell company to purchase an ex-Playboy model’s story about Donald Trump as part of a hush agreement. It was the biggest shell company ever associated with Trump aside from Trump University.

A court has ruled a Southern California school board policy of opening meetings with a prayer is unconstitutional. It turns out that prayer is also the board’s official policy of making sure there are never any school shootings in the district.

Kraft is recalling 7,000 cases of Taco Bell cheese dip because of the risk of botulism. At least it shows the product is definitely authentic.

Kraft is recalling 7,000 cases of Taco Bell cheese dip because of the risk of botulism. It involves all the product that has the “best used by date” of “Never.”

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange may be evicted from the Ecuadorian embassy in London where he has been living for six years. Mostly as the ambassador there is saying it would be nice if for once he at least offered to pay for a meal.

The world’s oldest man has turned 113 in Japan, saying the key to old age is soaking in hot springs and eating sweets. In other words, he is preserved from caramelization.

The UK Supreme Court has ruled against a woman trying to divorce her husband of 40 years, saying she has failed to prove the 80 year old is guilty of “unreasonable behavior.” They say her claims he is moody, argumentative and disparaging is pretty normal for an elderly Englishman.

Airlines are cracking down on emotional support animals in plane cabins. Why should those people be the only ones to be made anxiety free from what the airlines do to them?

The winning $522 Million Mega Millions lottery ticket was reportedly sold in San Jose, California. Which is great news for the winner who can now afford to buy a two bedroom fixer upper in Palo Alto.

A report says Millennials are not interested in the stock market, preferring to invest in cash. Which generally means they are keeping their entire $5 life savings safe in their wallet.

A report says Millennials are not interested in the stock market, preferring to invest in cash. Mostly because it’s hard to get into stocks when working at a minimum wage job and trying to pay off $100,000 in college tuition loans.

A study says lowering blood pressure helps prevent mental decline. And most older people say the way to keep their blood pressure low is to get all those kids off their lawn!

Tom Cruise in an interview says he prefers staying single and remaining close to his friends from Scientology. Mostly because it’s tough to find a woman entering a permanent relationship that includes being indoctrinated into a cult.

Destiny’s Child wished former member Michelle Williams a happy 38th birthday. Which finds her in her new role along with Kelly Rowland as answers to the trivia question “Who were those people who Beyonce was nice enough to support before she became a solo star?

Triple Crown winner Justify will retire from horse racing. Which is pretty much the equine version of the “one and done.”

The longtime radio announcer for the Carolina Hurricanes hockey team is out after being offered an 80% pay cut. Apparently he was willing to take it but only if he made 20% of the calls on the ice…”Puck...shoots...scores!”

A California cheerleading coach was arrested for DUI while driving one of the cheerleaders. Police became suspicious when she was asked to recite the alphabet and said “Give me an A, give me a B, give me a C...what’s that spell?!”

Dwyane Wade has been offered $25 Million to play basketball in China. However, he had to turn down the deal as after Donald Trump’s tariffs are imposed, he would be left with $125,000.

Ryder Cup captain Jim Furyk says he is not ready to commit to naming Tiger Woods to the team. Although it’s pretty obvious he will rather than have to explain to the PGA why Woods was left off the team and ratings for the event dropped a full three points.

The Trump Organization is planning a $200 Million upgrade to his Scottish golf resort. Which to increase business in Scotland pretty much means adding $200 Million worth of bar space.

The Trump Organization is planning a $200 Million upgrade to his Scottish golf resort. Which to increase business from foreign travelers means removing haggis from all the restaurant menus.

The White House lawyer in charge of policing Donald Trump’s officials’ ethics is leaving. Apparently people on the inside felt he was a bit too tough on workers with his policy of “20 strikes and you’re out.”

KitKat lost a court case to trademark the shape of their candy bars. When the judge made their ruling, the corporate lawyers could only say “Give me a break!”

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo says Donald Trump will hold Russia accountable for election meddling. Meaning they will have to promise to do it again exactly the same in 2020.

Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan says confirmation gridlock makes the Supreme Court look like junior varsity politicians. Which that description should only be used for the people who are serving in Congress.

Mike Pompeo says Donald Trump took a “staggering number of steps” to protect U.S. interests abroad. Which brings up the question what is he taking that is making him stagger so much?

Omarosa was questioned by feds over Michael Cohen’s ties to the National Enquirer. When we have federal agents questioning a former reality show star about the President’s lawyer and the National Enquirer it might be time to declare an official constitutional crisis.

Paleontologists in China have discovered a new species of dinosaur they call an “amazing dragon.” Although other researchers just want to check to make sure they didn’t just see it walking around during a Chinese New Year’s parade.

A study says the peak time for ordering pizza is at 7:00 PM and again at 2:00 AM. Meaning that people are smoking weed at 6:00 PM and again at 1:00 AM.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Once again, I am happy to announce the News Jokes By Jim podcast available through ShoutEngine and iTunes. Which is basically this blog in audio form. I just read the jokes. But hey, it’s a time saver where you can listen in your car or while you are working out or whenever. Feel free to listen in and then let me know what you think. The best way to contact me is by e-mail at jimbarach@hotmail.com. Yes, I have a hotmail account because I am old. Not AOL old, but still old. Even if you don’t listen to the podcast, you can still click on the e-mail to let me know that you still want to keep on sending the love!

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