Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says the California power grid could buckle under the sweltering heat wave. Mostly because no matter how hot it gets, the people there can’t be expected to give up their espresso makers, hydroponic pot gardens and plug-in Prius.

Officials are warning California residents to stay inside during the oppressive heat wave. To which most people under 30 are saying what else is there?

Arizona expects record power usage as temperatures soar. Mostly because residents still need to charge up their Rascal scooters so they can ride to Carrows for the Early Bird dinner during the hottest part of the afternoon.

A New Hampshire man was arrested for exercising naked at a Planet Fitness. It turns out he mistook Planet Fitness for the planet of the moon of Uranus.

A New Hampshire man was arrested for exercising naked at a Planet Fitness. Apparently he was just celebrating one of the three days of the year you can actually take your clothes off and not freeze in New Hampshire.

A New Hampshire man was arrested for exercising naked at a Planet Fitness. The problem being it took gym owners three hours to wipe off all the equipment after he was done.

A study says TV coverage of Donald Trump’s immigration policy is 92% negative. Which is still better than the coverage of his policies on health care, jobs, the trade balance, gun control…

A study says 22% of the U.S. population doesn’t speak English at home. Mostly because with iPhones, iPads and TV sets, most people just don’t speak to each other at home at all anymore.

The Tour de France was halted when riders ran into a cloud of tear gas police sprayed on some protesters. Fortunately for the riders, the tear gas is about the one substance that isn’t banned by the Anti-Doping Foundation.

Tourists going to France are being urged to pack condoms for protection during a chlamydia epidemic. Although the best prevention for the spread of STDs in France is the custom of women there not embracing the use of razors.

The U.S. is claiming the biggest dinosaur footprint ever discovered, coming in at more than three feet long. Which puts it just four inches longer than the old record set by the Reeboks worn by Shaquille O’Neal.

A report says humans will be connected to machines and will be able to attend their own funerals by 2050. Which will be ironic for the people who die from the effects of sitting in front of a computer for 18 hours a day.

A report says porn is becoming personalized, with stars making custom videos based on what individual clients want to see. Which means fantasies will finally be played out for those who have chosen careers other than pool boy, pizza deliverer and plumber.

A study says dogs go out of their way to help their owners when they are upset. Except when the owner is distraught about the dog peeing all over the carpet again.

A study says dogs go out of their way to help their owners when they are upset. Mostly by offering to share a cookie, go for a walk or take a ride in the car.

A record 207 environmentalists were reportedly killed last year. The worst part is most of them contributed to poor air quality when they had their ashes scattered.

A record 207 environmentalists were reportedly killed last year. Which is apparently why Scott Pruitt was let go as head of the EPA, because he just drew the line at messing them up a bit.

A Chinese company built a 350 foot high waterfall on the outside of a building. Which is one way to eliminate having those creepy window washers always peeking in.

A study says most Americans think pot has some health benefits, despite a lack of data. Although who has actually ever looked at a stoner and said they wanted to be as healthy as that person?

A study says most Americans think pot has some health benefits, despite a lack of data. Mostly because if you get stoned enough, you will believe anything.

A study says most Americans think pot has some health benefits, despite a lack of data. Mostly because after losing their health insurance, they have to put their faith in something.

The first drive-thru pot shop has opened in Washington State. Which is in a perfect location, next door to a drive-thru pizzeria, drive-thru McDonald’s and drive-thru Taco Bell.

The first drive-thru pot shop has opened in Washington State. The only problem being sitting in line for four hours behind the person in front who is trying to count out the exact change.

House Democrats will introduce a federal job guarantee bill. Mostly because the only job they are really interested in guaranteeing is their own in Congress.

House Democrats will introduce a federal job guarantee bill. Until then, the only way to guarantee keeping a job now is being under 50 and working for minimum wage.

The Trump Administration says it will give $12 Billion to farmers who have been hurt by tariffs. Which means the government will collect the tariffs on imported goods and pass them over to farmers which just turns them into the middleman.

Four types of Goldfish snack crackers are being recalled because of fears of salmonella. Which means it is now safer to eat an actual goldfish.

Four types of Goldfish snack crackers are being recalled because of fears of salmonella. Which is almost as bad as salmon snacks being contaminated by goldfish-ella.

The Maine lobster industry says it is afraid the U.S. and China trade war will hurt business and raise prices. Which doesn’t affect most of us who were already unable to afford going to a restaurant for a $40 lobster dinner.

Chipotle says it hopes pick up orders and catering will help drive an increase in sales. Which is great for people who can now also contract the norovirus and E.coli at home or in the office.

Donald Trump claims that Russia will be “working very hard for Democrats” in the midterm elections. Which is sort of their way of apologizing to the country for what they did to us in 2016.

The median price of a home in Southern California is at a record $536,250. The good news is that excluding Los Angeles and San Diego, that brings the median price in all other areas down to about $15,000.

The median price of a home in Southern California is at a record $536,250. Which means the wealthiest people in the region are the homeless who are saving all that money by not having to come up with a mortgage payment every month.

JetBlue shares dropped after reporting a $120 Million loss in the second quarter. Which means if this keeps up, they will have to change the name of the airline to JetRed.

A study says workers take with depression take less time off work if they feel support from their manager. To which most bosses are saying “and what’s plan B?”

A study says workers take with depression take less time off work if they feel support from their manager. Which most bosses offer the support of telling them if they keep showing up, they won’t get fired.

A study says workers take with depression take less time off work if they feel support from their manager. The bad part being most of them are depressed from having a job with no support from their manager.

A mom in Tennessee blames hot Cheetos and other spicy snacks for her teen’s health issues. Apparently all those spices couldn’t make up for not getting enough of the usual teenage diet of fat, salt and sugar.

A study says new dads suffer depression almost as much as new moms. Mostly from the thoughts of no more sleep, no more sex and spending the next 18 years trying to save enough money to keep from going in debt to their eyeballs on college loans.

A study says alternative cancer treatments may be bad for people’s health. Especially when one of the side effects of them is causing cancer.

Heart doctors say eating fruit, vegetables, beans and grains are the best way to go. Which is great news for the three people who still eat fruit, vegetables, beans and grains.

Former MTV star Jesse Camp was reported missing by his family. In fact, the only way he could be more hard to find is if he was still on MTV.

Alabama football coach Nick Saban told his two quarterback candidates to not call attention to themselves. Calling attention to oneself is the job of the coach.

Tim Tebow is out for the season with a broken hand, which means he will have to wait until at least next year to make the majors. Which shouldn’t be an issue because who needs their hands to just take up space on the bench?

Dirk Nowitzki has set a record by being the first player to spend 21 seasons with the same team. Also by becoming the first player who would even want to play 21 seasons for the Mavericks.

The Ohio DMV is using a picture of LeBron James to discourage applicants from smiling for their driver’s license photo. The other option being displaying the Cleveland Browns logo.

GOP free trade proponents are unloading on Donald Trump , saying “it’s looking more like a Soviet-type of economy.” Which is mostly a result of the Soviet-type of election we had in 2016.

A study says eating cheese does not increase the risk of heart problems. Especially when the rest of the lifestyle includes eating fast food, pizza, ice cream and smoking and drinking.

A study says Generation X is the only group that recovered money lost during the housing crash. Mostly because they were lucky enough to still be too broke to even think about buying a home before the mortgage meltdown in 2007.

A routine traffic stop of a semi truck in Nevada netted 125 pounds of cocaine and 144 pounds of meth. That is one trucker who was ready to make a long haul.

An ATM device was able to steal $500 from the accounts of 30 people at a Michigan bank. The customers didn’t report it since it was actually less than their bank’s ATM transaction fee.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks again for checking out the blog for the latest jokes from the world of news. Now you can cut out the reading part because it’s (ugh) reading and let me do it for you. Just go to ShoutEngine or iTunes and look up my podcast News Jokes By Jim where I basically read you all the jokes of the day. That way you can just plug me in and let me do all the work while you drive, or relax or don’t tell me what else you do while listening to podcasts. I hope you like the audio version and I hope you will tell others about it. I will be cranking out five podcasts a week, just like my blog and they last about 15 minutes. That is much less time and almost less invasive than a colonoscopy. And it’s free. Even better. Of course the icing on the cake for the blog or the podcast will as usual be when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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