Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

An energy expert says oil could eventually go up to $400 a barrel. Which means the only people who will be gassing up at the pump will be the ones who have converted their money to Bitcoin.


A poll says Americans don’t mention global warming as a problem. Mostly because they still put  climate change in the back seat compared to their concerns with the economy, foreign policy, health care, nuclear war, low wages…


A U.S. fighter jet intercepted a small private plane in the air space over the Donald Trump resort where the president was staying. If that seemed like overkill, just wait until the Uber driver who accidentally pulls into the parking lot is met by that tank battalion.


A woman passenger peed on the floor after being denied using the restroom on a Wizz Air flight. That’s why you really need to think a little bit more before picking the name of your airline.


A pediatric group says chemicals in food may harm children. The question being does it really take a group of experts pointing that out for parents to take notice?


A pediatric group says chemicals in food may harm children. To which the kids are saying “But they taste so good!”


A pediatric group says chemicals in food may harm children. To which food manufacturers say they need those chemicals to offset the rat feces, bacteria and viruses that are baked in.


Cuba is building a new constitution which will base their government on socialism and not communism. Apparently they are counting on Bernie Sanders to win the presidency in 2020 and making Havana the winter White House.


Nearly 100 people were sickened with the norovirus on a beach in Maine. Which at least gave them the same thrill of going on a Carnival cruise vacation, just without having to get on a boat.


Overstock.com is attempting to move into real estate. Which is great for people who want to get the bulk rate discount when they buy more than six houses online at once.


Chick-fil-A will test meal kits at some of their restaurants. Which gives customers all the convenience of going to a fast food drive-thru so they can then go home and have to cook a complete dinner for the family.


A survey says Americans think the ideal age to retire is 61. Which they can afford as long as they don’t live past 63.


A survey says Americans think the ideal age to retire is 61. Which they plan to do by retiring from the job they have now as long as they can find one that lets them work another 32 years.


A report says more people are taking out personal loans for vacations. The advantage is that keeps those precious memories of the trip alive for years, every time they write out their monthly payment check to the bank.


A poll says one in four Americans support a total ban on smoking. The other three want to keep it so they can still have something to do after sex.


A poll says one in four Americans support a total ban on smoking. The other three want to keep it because it will be just that much more crowded with all those people living to old age.


A poll says one in four Americans support a total ban on smoking. To which hippies are saying they can’t believe they would see the day when it is easier to light up a joint than a cigarette.


Meghan Markle’s future sister-in-law was arrested for assault. The good news is she can now get a job through her relatives moving over to Scotland and becoming a soccer hooligan.


Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine claims he was attacked and robbed of his jewelry. Although what kind of rapper is it who is robbed and doesn’t even have any guns to defend himself with?


Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine claims he was attacked and robbed of his jewelry. The good news is that it will be hard for the robbers to try to pawn any of the jewelry, especially if it is engraved with a name like Tekashi 6ix9ine.


Prince George had new photos released on his fifth birthday. Mostly to celebrate the day when he reaches kindergarten age and officially makes it to millionaire status.


Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon says he will miss the beginning of the team’s training camp. Fans were surprised. The Browns actually have a training camp?


A fan is being shamed for taking a ball at a Cubs game that was tossed by a player to a young boy. Although it was nice for others just to see that Steve Bartman is back.


14 months after a severe brain injury, St. Louis pitcher David Poncedeleon will make his major league debut. His fast recovery makes it seem like he has found some kind of fountain of youth.


Donald Trump called the Washington Post an “expensive lobbyist” for Amazon. The question being why would anyone need a lobbyist just to sell cheap crap online?


A mayoral candidate in Chicago was seen handing out cash to potential voters. Apparently his strategy was why spend all that money on TV commercials to get people to vote for you when you can get the same results by cutting out the middleman?


A mayoral candidate in Chicago was seen handing out cash to potential voters. The joke was on him as the people he gave money to weren’t really voters because they were all still alive.


Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh once questioned the high court’s decision to make Richard Nixon hand over his White House tapes. Which finally explains why he was the one hand picked by Donald Trump.


New documents show the FBI believes former Trump aide Carter Page was recruited by the Russians. Pretty much just like his old boss.


Actress Zoe Kravitz of the “Harry Potter” prequel says if she had magical powers she would impeach Donald Trump. Which apparently is a bigger issue than using those powers to rid the world of poverty, disease and hunger.


Actress Zoe Kravitz of the “Harry Potter” prequel says if she had magical powers she would impeach Donald Trump. After that it is an assumption she would use those magical powers to get herself some better movie roles.


The Republican Party has picked Charlotte for their 2020 convention. Apparently it was based on which city had the most Trump properties that will be finished by then.


The Amazon Echo now allows people to talk to Alexa by tapping instead of by talking. It’s nice to see that the digital age has taken us on a path to the future which includes going back to using 19th century Morse Code.


A 2,000 year old Egyptian sarcophagus was opened to find skeletons and a vile red liquid that some people say they want to drink. The worst part is the liquid is still probably safer to drink than Mountain Dew.


The longest lunar eclipse of the century will be visible this week, lasting one hour, 42 minutes and 57 seconds. Which when it comes to lunar eclipses, the 57 seconds part is too long.


The U.S. has made an example of some call center scammers in India, with some being sentenced to 20 years in prison. How dare those foreigners try to take jobs away from our domestic call center scammers?


Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has been banned from competition for 14 months because of a picture of him getting an illegal IV infusion. It was a lot easier to get away with it in Rio where you could just get those infusions at the corner gas station.


Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has been banned from competition for 14 months because of a picture of him getting an illegal IV infusion. His defense is that he thought the IV meant the Roman numeral “4.”


The Texas Rangers Rougned Odor had three RBI to lead his team to win in a game where the temperature reached 108 degrees. At that temperature, the only more noticeable Odor was the one coming from the team locker room.


LiAngelo Ball took 54 shots during a JBA league game, making 19 of them. Apparently the other 35 were just errant passes.


LiAngelo Ball took 54 shots during a JBA league game, making 19 of them. Or as Shaquille O’Neal calls 19 for 54, a pretty good day at the free throw line.


British golfer Eddie Pepperell says he played the final round of the British Open with a hangover. Which means he was just a day ahead of Jordan Spieth, Tiger Woods and Xander Schauffele.


A Utah woman won’t face charges for leaving a gun on a restroom changing table at the Salt Lake City Aquarium. Mostly because they were just glad she didn’t instead leave behind a loaded diaper.


Stormy Daniels and her husband Glendon Crain have filed for divorce. She wants half of everything he owns, to be paid in singles.


Stormy Daniels and her husband Glendon Crain have filed for divorce, with him accusing her of marital infidelity. Who would have ever thought that would ever happen when marrying a stripper who moonlights as porn star?


A study says women with three or more children are less likely to have Alzheimer’s Disease. Mostly because they spend their whole lives trying to remember names, birthdays and where everyone said they were going.


A study says the iPhone X holds its value better than other iPhones. Possibly because it happens to be the newest model they are selling?


A study says the iPhone X holds its value better than other iPhones. Mostly because going back to just an iPhone 6, the resale value is somewhere around zero.


A study says the iPhone X holds its value better than other iPhones. Which will last another three weeks until Apple unveils the new iPhone XI.


The New York Daily News has slashed its newsroom staff by 50%. The worst part is the news was broken by the Post.


The New York Daily News has slashed its newsroom staff by 50%. With a reporting team that small, it will no longer be “news” as much as “of somewhat relevance and interest.”


A study says there may be Fukushima radiation in California wines. The best way to tell is when the sommelier asks if you want red, white or dayglo green.


A study says there may be Fukushima radiation in California wines. The word got out when one of the wineries changed its slogan to “We will sell no wine before its time which is now a 700 Million year half life.”


A study says climate change is tied to a higher suicide rate. Mostly from people who fear global warming could encourage Al Gore to make another run for President.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some great news with my announcement of News Jokes By Jim, my new podcast! Yes, I am joining the podcasting world by taking these jokes and instead of making you read through all the muck and mire, I just tell them myself. That means you can put down your reading glasses and let me do all the work. And believe me, sometimes it can be work. Just look up News Jokes By Jim on ShoutEngine or iTunes, or just use the podcast app on your phone or computer. I will be posting five days a week, because it is basically the blog in audio form. Makes it easy that way. The shows run about 15 minutes which for many is about 14 and a half minutes too long but what else were you going to do with that time anyway? This way you can hear my soothing baritone voice bring you the world of comedy while you sit back and relax. Who is writing this crap? Oh, yeah. Me. Anyway, I would appreciate it if you would give a listen and also if you have any comments or criticisms and suggestions for improvements I would appreciate those as well. As long as they aren’t along the line of “please stop.” It’s too late for that. This is something I have wanted to do for a long time and now that it is a reality, I would hope you might go on social media and share the news with your friends and see if we can get a pretty good sized audience for the shows. Also tell them about the blog, and of course I still hope you will continue to remember to always keep on sending the love!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Great news Jim. Good luck with the project; we will listen in. Also look into TuneIn Radio, as you can publish your content on other podcast forums w/out iTunes holding exclusive rights