Sunday, July 22, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

McDonald’s salads have sickened 163 people in ten states. How ironic is it that the few people who actually go to McDonald’s looking for a healthy meal are the ones who end up in the ER?


McDonald’s salads have sickened 163 people in ten states. The fast food chain is now looking at legal problems for stealing the business model from Chipotle.


Roseanne says ABC fired her because she voted for Donald Trump. That’s isn’t true. It was more about her acting like she was Donald Trump when she got on Twitter.


A study says doctors listen to their patients for 11 seconds before cutting them off. Mostly because they want to save time and get them out of the office by just writing the opioid prescriptions they came in for.


A study says doctors listen to their patients for 11 seconds before cutting them off. You would think the patients would be more succinct after having three hours in the waiting room to practice what they are going to say.


Passengers complained of bedbugs on flights out of Newark Airport. Which was offset by their relief of just being able to get out of Newark.


A study says mobile phone radiation may affect memory performance. Like how most men forget they are married once they have access to social media and dating sites.


A study says mobile phone radiation may affect memory performance. Like ever since getting a smartphone how they no longer remember how to actually communicate with another human.


Rex Reed says “Mama Mia! Here We Go Again” is a sub-mental musical. Isn’t that pretty much the description of every musical that has ever been made?


Rex Reed says “Mama Mia! Here We Go Again” is a sub-mental musical. Apparently he is disappointed that the show didn’t delve into deep hidden meanings of the complex lyrics of all those Abba songs.


Rex Reed says “Mama Mia! Here We Go Again” is a sub-mental musical. What was he expecting? Did he not see the original movie “Mama Mia!”?


New Hampshire has made it tougher for students to vote there. Which is bad news for the three students who are actually planning to go to the polls.


New Hampshire has made it tougher for students to vote there. Although just having elections in November makes it tough on anyone just trying to get outside to try to get to the polls.


New Hampshire has made it tougher for students to vote there by saying only permanent residents can register. Mostly because most college students are trying to get a degree so they can land a job outside of New Hampshire.


The Fiat Chrysler board held an emergency meeting in light of the CEO’s surgery on his shoulder. Mostly because he injured his shoulder driving Fiats and Chryslers and always having to try to wave to flag down a tow truck.


Donald Trump is calling for NFL National Anthem protesters to be thrown out of the game the first time and for the second time suspended for the season. To which the NFL players are saying that’s fine if he is assessed the same penalties every time he lies.


Africa has gotten its first carbon-neutral brewery. The only problem is they are doing it by not using any carbon dioxide which means all the beer is completely flat.


Macau has taken in more than 500 greyhounds as Asia’s only dog track has closed down. The worst part is that when an Asian dog track closes down, it usually reopens as a restaurant.


A study says women see men who drive fast cars and live large as being more interested in short term affairs than marriage. Mostly because marriage leads to divorce and that means back to slow cars and living small.


A study says women see men who drive fast cars and live large as being more interested in short term affairs than marriage. Which makes you wonder how those men in fast cars who live large ever even get any dates.


A report says Detroit has the widest gap between the most and least expensive homes. The good news is the less expensive homes can be marketed for the built-in ventilation they have from all the bullet holes.


A report says Detroit has the widest gap between the most and least expensive homes. Mostly because there is one home worth a million dollars, and all the rest pretty close to nothing.


Target is offering teachers a 15% discount on all classroom supplies. The sad part is that includes white flags, body armor and bullet proof vests.


Disney has fired director James Gunn from “Guardians of the Galaxy 3” because of offensive old tweets. Which serves him right as he showed he was unable to even be the guardian of his own social media.


Forbes says Papa John’s suffers from a “toxic” work environment. In fact, it is even more toxic to work there than to eat their deep dish, double pepperoni, cheese infused crust.


Testimony at a hearing says Donald Trump’s auto tariffs will cost consumers $83 Billion. Which is still a bargain for most people in paying more for a foreign car than buying a domestic auto and having to foot the repair bills.


A poll says most Americans say the economy is the most important thing that is going well. Mostly because at this point it’s the only thing that is going well.


Marriott is planning to eliminate plastic straws from its properties next year. However, guests will still be sleeping on polyester sheets, using nylon linens and drying with rayon towels.


A study says when a wife outearns her husband, both tend to downplay her income. What’s that about? Most men would love to be able to say they found a woman who makes ten times what they do, and when she leaves them they will get half.


A study says people’s earliest childhood memories may be false. How is anyone going to even prove that?


A study says people’s earliest childhood memories may be false. Mostly because those people have spent their entire adult lives trying to repress the real ones.


A study says breaking bones in old age increases the risk of death within ten years. Mostly because once you reach old age the risk of death in general increases within ten years.


Flower Foods chocolate Swiss Rolls are being recalled for potential salmonella contamination. Although the sad part is the salmonella is still the healthiest ingredient in the Swiss Rolls.


The WHO says one in ten people are estimated to get sick from contaminated food. The other nine just don’t live within close enough proximity to a Taco Bell.


An Oklahoma lawyer has been charged with sending threatening e-mails to herself. Apparently business was slow and she just wanted to keep her skills in shape.


A report says fewer teens are using drugs and alcohol. Mostly because they need to stay mentally sharp to be able to sit on the couch and play Fortnite for 36 straight hours.


Kimberly Guilfoyle is leaving Fox News to take a position with a Super PAC that supports Donald Trump’s policies. In other words, it’s a lateral move.


Roseanne says she thought Valerie Jarrett was white when she sent out racially insensitive tweets. Which means ABC didn’t fire her for just being a racist but for also being incredibly ignorant.


Rapper Offset has been arrested for gun possession. Which would be bigger news only when a rapper is not arrested for gun possession.


Rapper Offset has been arrested for gun possession. His lawyer says he was targeted because he is a rich, successful black rapper. To which police say no, pretty much just the rapper part.


A San Antonio couple delivered their baby in the restroom at a Chick-fil-A restaurant. Fortunately for them, the wife didn’t go into labor on a Sunday.


A San Antonio couple delivered their baby in the restroom at a Chick-fil-A restaurant. Fortunately their health insurance gave them an upgrade from having the baby at a McDonald’s PlayPlace.


Oasis reunion chances were dashed when Noel Gallagher refused to answer a tweet from his brother Liam. Which would be really relevant if it were still 1996.


Oasis reunion chances were dashed when Noel Gallagher refused to answer a tweet from his brother Liam. The only problem is deciding if the reunion should be onstage or in a WWE ring.


“Teen Mom OG” has added Bristol Palin to the cast. The only question is whether she will be like her own mom and stick around through the end of the season.


The Orioles Chris Davis got stuck in an elevator after a team loss. Is that some kind of metaphor?


The Orioles Chris Davis got stuck in an elevator after a team loss. He’s batting under .200, he’s stuck on the Orioles and now he has even worse luck on elevators than Jay-Z.


LaVar Ball says of his son, “You don’t coach Lonzo.” Apparently you just let him sit on the bench until the last few minutes when the game is already put away.


Donald Trump says it is “inconceivable” that a lawyer would tape a client. That is usually reserved for presidents.


A CIA official says China wants to replace the U.S. as a world superpower. Which is good that they are keeping their early ambitions low.


GOP employees says dating in Washington, D.C. is very tough. Apparently being to the right makes it harder to get swiped to the right.


Microsoft says hackers are targeting the U.S. midterm elections. Which means they have just let the world know they are now just two years behind everyone else.


Roseanne is set to get a new talk show on Youtube. It can be found right between instructions on how to restring a weed whacker and kids replicating stunts from “Jackass.”


A beach near the Fukushima reactor has reopened to the public for the first time since the nuclear disaster. The good news for beachgoers is the water is always a toasty 108 degrees and it’s easy to bring a pole and catch the dayglo fish.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! OK, I am back on a regular schedule and ready to keep those blog posts coming on a daily basis. Just what you all wanted to hear. I am writing this as the British Open is still underway, so if there are any jokes coming out of the tournament I will add them later. But for now I am going to watch them play because I don’t have a life other than that. And because Tiger is on the leaderboard and it doesn’t get much better than that. Of course, my life always gets better when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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