Friday, July 20, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

House Democrats have picked the slogan “For the People” for the upcoming elections. Although many liked the second choice of “We’re the ones who didn’t give you Donald Trump.”

New Jersey is considering taxing tap water. Hey, all those chemicals in there aren’t free!

New Jersey is considering taxing tap water. Flint, Michigan is also thinking about it, saying you give us some more silver, we give you some more lead.

Facebook says it will take down posts that could lead to violence. Have you ever been on social media? That means pretty much all of them.

Facebook says it will take down posts that could lead to violence. The people making those posts will have to just be satisfied staying on Twitter.

Some doctors and hospitals are suing patients who post negative reviews and comments about them on social media. Apparently they feel if their patients are still alive and able to go on social media, they have done their job.

Belgian airspace was closed for two hours because of a computer glitch. That was a pain for airlines who depend on Belgium to fly over to get to countries people actually want to visit.

A report says the top 1% took home 22% of the income in the U.S. Which is still 78% short of their eventual goal.

Amazon is closing in on the title of the world’s most valuable company. Which is ironic because that is the first time “Amazon” and “most valuable” have ever been used in the same sentence.

Amazon is closing in on the title of the world’s most valuable company. Adding up cheap crap a dollar at a time to become the most valuable company is like Bill Gates making his fortune by picking up pennies off the street.

A report says anti-anxiety medications could become the next U.S. drug problem. Especially for people who need the pills because they are worried about their opioid addiction.

A report says anti-anxiety medications could become the next U.S. drug problem. Especially since everyone became so nervous right around November of 2016.

A report says California malls have been spying on customers and turning their information over to ICE. Which is distressing news to the three people who still actually go shopping at malls.

A report says California malls have been spying on customers and turning their information over to ICE. Mostly because what better place is there to hide than somewhere no one would ever think of looking?

New Zealand companies have tried a four day workweek with great results in productivity and worker satisfaction. People were just surprised there is enough work in New Zealand to keep people busy four days a week.

New Zealand companies have tried a four day workweek with great results in productivity and worker satisfaction. Apparently there is a high rate of burnout when it comes to shearing sheep.

Unannounced Russian military exercises in Armenia caused panic among residents. Mostly because usually unannounced Russian military exercises are called another word. “Invasion.”

Russia tested a new array of military weapons after the summit with Donald Trump. Apparently they just wanted to remind Trump that America’s biggest fear is not with Kim Jong-un.

The Trump Administration is proposing revamping the Endangered Species Act. Mostly with Trump’s idea of combining the EPA along with the NRA and just saying pretty much all species are now endangered.

A New York City man set a world’s record by slicing 27 watermelons in half on his belly in one minute. Which means he pretty much secured the world’s record after slicing the first one.

Republicans voted down a motion by Democrats to subpoena Donald Trump’s translator. The worst part is the translator was hired to interpret what he says for all the people on his staff.

Republicans voted down a motion by Democrats to subpoena Donald Trump’s translator. Which turns out the translator is just told to keep saying “I am the greatest,” “Everyone loves me” and “I have never been wrong.”

The general who oversees U.S. operations in Afghanistan is looking at Donald Trump’s war strategy. People were surprised. When did we ever get a strategy for Afghanistan?

Chris Christie is coming out with a new book called “Let Me Finish.” Which is taken from the phrase he uses when people try to talk to him while he is at the dinner table.

A prominent Brazilian surgeon called “Dr. Bumbum” is on the run after a woman died during a procedure to enlarge her buttocks. The amazing part is that people actually went to a surgeon with the nickname Dr. Bumbum.

A prominent Brazilian surgeon called “Dr. Bumbum” is on the run after a woman died during a procedure to enlarge her buttocks. Which is so different than in the U.S. where women will kill their husbands for saying a dress makes their butt look big.

Food delivery company DoorDash has hired a new CFO. Which the name DoorDash is often confused with the career strategy for all of Donald Trump’s White House staff.

An Ohio Burger King is providing free cheeseburgers for life for a terminally ill dog. Although the sad part is the dog is terminally ill from eating Burger King cheeseburgers.

A report says Wells Fargo charged customers for hidden services. People were surprised at the news. Wells Fargo actually has services?

Starbucks has opened its first U.S. store that does signing. The only problem is that baristas have been breaking their fingers signing numbers that high when giving people their bill.

A Vermont woman suffered severe burns and blisters from a wild parsnip plant. Doctors had never seen such a case like that. There is someone who still eats parsnip?

UNC football coach Larry Fedora says he doubts there is a link between long term brain damage and football. Which from a long time football player like Fedora is the best evidence yet.

UNC football coach Larry Fedora says he doubts there is a link between long term brain damage and football. Which has people wondering if during his playing days, instead of a helmet he actually wore a fedora.

A study says young adults raised by lesbian parents have the same mental well-being as those raised by heterosexuals. The only difference for those kids is whether they were exclusively raised by one woman or two.

An English woman had her leg amputated after an infection from a cut while shaving. To which all the women in France are saying “We told you so!”

An English woman had her leg amputated after an infection from a cut while shaving. The good news is that she is less likely to cut herself again as her leg shaving now takes only half as long.

A Pennsylvania coffee shop is offering people recovering from opioid addiction a fresh start by giving them jobs. The sad part is that being hooked on opioids is cheaper and less addictive than people who are hooked on their morning coffee.

A study says working out in polluted air is better than not exercising at all. What better way to get those lungs in shape than making them breathe hard and then cough the next three hours?

An Arkansas woman lost a leg after being bitten by a spider. Which adds insult to injury with the spider taunting her that it now has seven more legs than she does.

A study says having a working mom benefits kids later in life. If only for the fact that having two incomes means they were able to eat, live in a home and have money put away for college.

A poll says most Americans feel lab-grown meat should be labeled differently. Especially if the four legs it came from was a laboratory workbench.

Adrian Cronauer, the real life radio D.J. from “Good Morning, Vietnam” has died at age 79. To which most people under 40 are asking “What’s Vietnam,” “What’s radio” and “What’s a D.J?”

Dirk Nowitzki is set to re-sign with the Dallas Mavericks for $5 Million for one year. Not to say he is getting a little old, but even the San Antonio Spurs are asking if it might be time to retire.

It looks like under Jon Gruden, the Raiders are back to their old ways of signing old washed up retreads who can’t find work for any other teams. And that is just with their announcement of hiring radio play by play announcer Brent Musberger.

Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred says Mike Trout lacks widespread popularity because he doesn’t spend enough time marketing himself. Although things should get better for him the minute he leaves the Angels and gets called up to the Majors.

Fans say money was the primary reason LeBron James moved to the Lakers. Apparently if he went anywhere else, he would have had to play for free.

Fans say money was the primary reason LeBron James moved to the Lakers. That and the fact that Los Angeles is not in Cleveland.

Kelly Clarkson is set to be the headline act at the U.S. Open. Not only that, her former “American Idol” rival Justin Guarini has been signed to be the head ball boy.

A White House decision is “underway” for a visit by Vladimir Putin to Washington, D.C. Apparently a year and a half after all his work he wants to inspect the troops.

The EPA’s watchdog says all levels of government failed in the response to the Flint, Michigan drinking water crisis. To which the EPA defended itself saying it treats the quality of water just as badly for everyone in the country.

Donald Trump has created a new work council to promote job retraining. Which comes just in time for Anthony Scaramucci, Sean Spicer and Scott Pruitt.

Arizona police say they can’t ticket lawmakers for speeding. Which of course is the best reason to become a lawmaker so you don’t have to obey the laws you make for everyone else.

Arizona police say they can’t ticket lawmakers for speeding. The police are just glad to be able for once to see lawmakers actually getting something done fast while moving forward.

A poll says fewer Americans say Mexico is a U.S. friend or ally. It’s almost like there has been some kind of wall erected between us.

A poll says immigration tops the list of most important issues for Americans. Especially when there is no way to stop Vladimir Putin from coming here to officially take over the country.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am back up to full speed on the blog, just what you wanted to hear! My trip was a success, meaning I made it back in one piece and only took off writing on Wednesday with about half a blog worth of jokes on Thursday. Which isn’t bad considering usually I give you about a quarter of a blog worth of jokes. So I am back just in time for the weekend, which I hope you will get out and enjoy. I will remember to write my blog every day next week, so I hope in turn you remember to always keep on sending the love!

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