Thursday, July 19, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Mexico’s new government is weighing legalizing drugs. Apparently they need to read up more on their country’s history as that has pretty much been the case since 1974.

The U.S. is looking to make more drugs easily available, cutting the roles doctors play. That way patients wanting opioids can go straight to rehab while cutting out the middleman.

Chicago will become the largest city in the U.S. to test a universal basic income of $500 a month for everyone. Which is just about enough for bus fare and expenses to catch the first Greyhound leaving for Florida.

A study says climate change could kill the Internet in 15 years. Mostly because it’s tough to go online when your computers are all under four feet of water.

A New York Masseuse is offering snake massages for $300. To which most men are asking “Is that a metaphor?”

Donald Trump says there is “no time limit” with North Korean denuclearization. Mostly because their stock of Uranium 235 based weapons will be considerably weaker when they reach their half life in another 700 Million years.

Donald Trump says there is “no time limit” with North Korean denuclearization. Mostly because they won’t even matter once we enter a thermonuclear war with China and Russia.

Twitter has suspended 58 Million accounts in a crackdown of fake followers. It turns out that besides Donald Trump. Kim Kardashian and Katy Perry, there are only 15 real people actually using Twitter.

A study says Marines are the heaviest drinkers in the military. Except for a brief time in 1972 when George E. Bush enlisted in the Texas Air National Guard.

A study says Marines are the heaviest drinkers in the military. The first clue was when it was realized the majority of Marine recruiting centers are usually located in the back of sports bars.

A study says teens who are glued to their smartphones risk symptoms of ADHD. Although most are too focused on their device screens to be able to take a test to find out.

A Florida man was arrested for trying to contact his former girlfriend 200 times a day. Which turns out she was the only woman who never complained about her boyfriend never calling.

A poll says 73% of Democrats want a fresh face to run for President in 2020. Although it turns out they are talking about on the Republican ticket.

A passenger group is fighting a battle over shrinking plane seating. Although the question isn’t whether the seats are shrinking or the passengers just keep getting larger.

A passenger group is fighting a battle over shrinking plane seating. Which trying to get thinner passengers turns out to be the real reason that airlines stopped serving inflight meals years ago.

A passenger group is fighting a battle over shrinking plane seating, saying one problem is that it is now impossible to evacuate a plane in 90 seconds. Mostly because it takes ten times that long just for people to pry their oversized luggage out of the overhead bins.

A passenger group is fighting a battle over shrinking plane seating, calling it ”torture class.”  Which was proven when some of the airlines started calling tickets “waterboarding passes.”

A passenger group is fighting a battle over shrinking plane seating, calling it “torture class.” The worst part is that people flying United call torture class an upgrade.

Robert Mueller ias asking Paul Manafort’s judge to immunize five witnesses. To which Donald Trump says if those people are anti-vaccine, it should be their right to say no.

A Virginia restaurant is being called out for ridiculing a 17 year old customer who paid his bill mostly in coins. More than likely because he could only get a minimum wage paying job at another restaurant.

Liz Cambage broke the WNBA single game scoring record with 53 points. Which is even more impressive considering most WNBA games don’t end up with the final score for both teams totalling 53 points.

A Tennessee man was killed by lightning in a freak accident while mowing his mom’s lawn. Even weirder is that it turns out his mother lived on the other side of Rand Paul.

In his latest account of meeting with Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump says he “laid down the law.” Which is partially true as he just added on those last two words.

A Florida couple won a $15,000 settlement along with an apology from their mayor for painting their home to look like van Gogh’s “A Starry Night” for their autistic son. In a response to the decision, the town’s city hall is being painted to match Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.”

Ohio police released body cam video of the arrest of Storm Daniels. Although it turns out to be inconclusive as no one could recognize the adult star because she was wearing clothes.

Turkey has allowed its two year state of emergency to end with new anti-terrorism laws. However, they will keep the other state of emergency declarations that have been in effect since 1541.

Turkey has allowed its two year state of emergency to end with new anti-terrorism laws. Which are not to be confused with the state of emergency declared by the other turkeys every year right around the time of Thanksgiving.

Donald Trump says he always wanted to interview with Robert Mueller. Which becomes more obvious with all the work he has done helping Russia meddle in our elections.

The MGM hotel is suing victims of the mass shooting there claiming they have no liability. Which in Las Vegas terms is called making a bad bluff and doubling down.

A study says young adults are drinking themselves to death. Which surprised researchers who thought the only way young people were killing themselves was eating junk food, never getting off the couch and texting while driving.

A 13 year old boy was bitten by a suspected shark off Fire Island in New York. Apparently the shark couldn’t tell it was a human as the boy was the only one there not wearing Speedos.

A 13 year old boy was bitten by a suspected shark in the water off Fire Island in New York. Although how hard is it to confirm it was actually a shark when you are dealing with the terms “bitten” and “in the water”?

Nigeria will relaunch its national airline at the end of the year. Apparently they are just waiting on a donation from some princes just as soon as they can get a few more people to answer their ads to get some relatives out of jail.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just a few jokes today, but that is a bonus as I didn’t think I would have any since I was out of town and just got back in late last night. Of course the real bonus for you long time readers is where there are no jokes at all. No such luck today. I hope you missed me! I rarely take off a day that isn’t a holiday or weekend but will be back on my usual five days a week of hilarity. Or whatever other description you want to use. I just don’t want to hear it. All I ever really want to hear is when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!

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