Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Rolls Royce says it is planning to make flying taxis that can carry four people 500 miles in two hours. Don’t we already have that? They’re called “Lear Jets.”

A new high tech mirror will point out users’ facial flaws. Isn’t that what ex-husbands are for?

Mexico’s new president-elect has slashed his own salary. He did that by taking the exact same salary only by trading in his pesos for Bitcoins.

Rioting, looting and violence broke out after France won the World Cup. The good news is that the country has shown they have what it takes to qualify for their own NBA team.

Vladimir Putin says 25 Million cyberattacks were thwarted during the World Cup. Apparently all the hackers got bored to tears after trying to watch five weeks of nothing but soccer.

Starbucks is reportedly worried it could be bad for business if former CEO Howard Schultz runs for President. Although if he can get people as excited about paying their taxes as he did to pay $6 for a cup of coffee, the national deficit will be gone in about three weeks.

Donald Trump already has $88 Million in his war chest to run for President in 2020. Which he will need as he more than likely won’t be able to count on the $1 Billion in free air time he got in 2016 from the “fake news” networks.

The Canadian trade flap hasn’t hurt the number of tourists coming into the U.S. from the north. Mostly because they are getting their revenge every time we have to look at a fat Canadian man on a Florida beach wearing a Speedo.

The WHO is recognizing compulsive sexual behavior as a mental disorder. Which means Harvey Weinstein may try to get his legal fees covered under his health insurance plan.

The WHO is recognizing compulsive sexual behavior as a mental disorder. Which means we should be hearing about the latest sex scandal involving an executive at WHO any day now.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin met in Helsinki, although there was no mention of Russia meddling in our elections. Unless that constant five minutes of winking back and forth between the two somehow had something to do with it.

Lava from the Hawaiian volcano created a tiny island off the coast. Which has already been bought with a plan to develop a $10 Million private mansion by Larry Ellison.

The Thai soccer team is expected to return home this week. If you are not familiar with their story, you must be living in some kind of cave.

U.S. retail and restaurant sales rose by a half percent in June. Mostly because no matter what the economy is doing, Americans are always ready to eat and buy more stuff they don’t need.

A teenage girl in Florida was tied to a tree by her earbuds, Apparently she just wanted to hear the tree bark.

A mob in Indonesia killed 300 crocodiles as revenge for a man who was killed in a crocodile attack. That will make sure they think twice before attacking another human.

A mob in Indonesia killed 300 crocodiles as revenge for a man who was killed in a crocodile attack. When the mob was asked how long until they would come back and even more, they said “in a while.”

Donald Trump says the U.S. and Russia will have an “extraordinary relationship.” At least as long as he has to depend on them to get reelected in 2020.

Donald Trump says U.S. and Russian relations were at an “all-time low” because of the FBI’s “rigged witch hunt.” Which brings up the question, if he is worried about their investigation is he calling himself the witch?

Donald Trump says U.S. and Russian relations were at an “all-time low” because of the FBI’s “rigged witch hunt.” To which Hillary Clinton is saying “You leave me out of this!”

Iran says if Donald Trump wants to talk with them, he will have to be the one to make a call. The only problem being the White House isn’t sure if Iran has access to any phone service.

An Oregon man with $45,000 worth of ecstasy in his car crashed into a police cruiser. His reaction to being arrested was reportedly less than ecstatic.

Papa John founder John Schnatter was evicted from corporate offices after using a racial slur. Although he will still be allowed inside whenever the company executives order from his new job delivering for Domino’s.

Economists are predicting France’s World Cup win will bring the country economic growth of a tenth of a percent this year. It would be more but how much money can be made when the only marketing tie-in is selling berets with World Cup patches?

The IMF says the global economy has “plateaued.” The only problem being the plateau most the world is stuck at is still where we bottomed out in the recession back in 2007.

A 25 year old Stanford MBA student has launched a 3D printed manicure business. Meaning she could have pretty much stopped her education and done the same thing after 8th grade.

A report says a majority of U.S. business economists believe employment and wages will continue to grow. Which means they are counting on Congress to keep gradually increasing the level of the minimum wage.

A report says a majority of U.S. business economists believe employment and wages will continue to grow. Mostly because they know the only way that will be true for them is by telling those companies what they want to hear.

A report says 3D printing can reduce the cost of Air Force toilet seats from $10,000 down to $300. Mostly because the printers can’t make them the way the generals insist for their personal used with 24 carat gold plating.

A report says 3D printing can reduce the cost of Air Force toilet seats from $10,000 down to $300. Although the military could drop that price down to about $15 by just going to Home Depot.

A study says taking short breaks at work makes employees happier and better at their jobs. Mostly to escape the monotony they have at their desk at watching cat videos, posting on social media and looking at Internet porn all day.

A study says taking short breaks at work makes employees happier and better at their jobs. Especially when they can use that time to catch up on the two other jobs they have to work to make ends meet.

A New Jersey woman has a rare condition that makes her feel like she is always suffocating. It’s called living in New Jersey.

A New Jersey woman has a rare condition that makes her feel like she is always suffocating. Usually that affliction is only experienced by women having sex with Russell Crowe.

Khloe Kardashian posted pictures of her new baby True. If she would put some pictures of her baby along with Kim Kardashian’s oldest daughter we would have True North.

Kim Kardashian says when it comes to social media and parenting, “there has to be rules.” Especially when the only way she ever sees her kids is when the nannies post pictures of them all over social media.

Kim Kardashian says when it comes to social media and parenting, “there has to be rules.” The rules being the more money you can make exploiting social media, the less time you have to actually spend yourself doing any parenting.

Rob Reiner’s new film “Shock and Awe” grossed only $41,000 its first weekend. Which the real shock and awe is the look on studio executives faces when they find out they spent $16.5 Million to make it.

Taylor Swift posted pictures with fans during their marriage proposal at her concert. She said someday she hopes to get a marriage proposal when she finds a guy she feels like dating more than three weeks.

There is now only one Blockbuster video store left in the entire country, in Bend, Oregon. Apparently it will stay open until whomever rented their VHS copy of “St. Elmo’s Fire” back in 1987 finally returns it.

LaVar Ball says in his prime he could have beaten LeBron James one-on-one. Mostly because in his prime he was 25 years old and James would have then been 8.

Several former NFL stars have joined a professional flag football league. The sad part is the games still have more tackles than when the Jets play the Browns.

Several former NFL stars have joined a professional flag football league. It will be just like the NFL in the fact there is guaranteed to be a flag thrown on every play.

Kyrie Irving previewed new shoes that have cereal logos including Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Lucky Charms and Kix. Fans know it’s only a matter of time before he endorses some Flat Earth high tops.

Paul Ryan says there is “no question” that Russia interfered in U.S. elections. Which is nice for once to have an election that wasn’t decided by Florida or the Supreme Court.

Rand Paul says he is “very worried” about Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. Apparently he doesn’t like his previous record on defending people who solve disputes by tackling their neighbors.

A report says a man was forcibly removed from the joint press conference with Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. Which Republicans are saying it would have been better for them if the person removed from the conference was Donald Trump.

A city council candidate in St. Paul, Minnesota was arrested after posting topless photos of his wife on his campaign website. At least there is one politician who believes in complete transparency.

Donald Trump says he doesn’t see “any reason why Russia would meddle in the 2016 election.” Other than the reason kids smash their neighbors’ mailboxes just to know they can probably get away with it.

Jeff Bezos is the world’s richest man with his net worth topping $150 Billion on Amazon Prime Day. His secret to becoming rich is not spending all his money on cheap crap from Amazon.

Jeff Bezos is the world’s richest man with his net worth topping $150 Billion on Amazon Prime Day. Although once people are done returning the stuff they bought on Amazon Prime Day because it doesn’t work, his fortune will be more like around $12 Million.

The company behind the Kodak-Bitcoin branded cryptocurrency mining scheme confirms it has collapsed. Mostly because everyone under 40 is asking “What’s Kodak?”

The company behind the Kodak-Bitcoin branded cryptocurrency mining scheme confirms it has collapsed. Putting a 20th Century company like Kodak with a 21st Century digital enterprise like Bitcoin is like selling an iPhone that comes with an operator hand crank.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am going to be taking a rare day off and maybe two as I will be traveling and will be pretty tied up through the entire trip. It’s been a long time since I have missed any days other than weekends and holidays, as I really enjoy bringing my services to all of you. I hope you enjoy the efforts and try not to miss me too much. If I get any time at all, I might be able to crank out a few quick ones just out of habit. But just because I am gone for a bit doesn’t mean I would still like it if you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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