Sunday, July 15, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

“Jeopardy!” host Alex Trebek is being sued by a woman who claims his dog made her fall down in the road. She says “I’ll take personal injury lawyers for $500,000!”


Twelve Russians have been indicted for hacking the DNC and Hillary Clinton. To which Hillary says “We would have won if it weren’t for those meddling kids at the Kremlin!”


Washington, D.C. issued warnings for dirty water last week. It’s tough to keep the water clean when the whole city is pretty much one big swamp.


McDonald’s salads in the Midwest are being linked to an intestinal parasite. Although they are still healthier than eating a Super Sized Big Mac Value Meal.


Virgin and Blue Origin are planning to offer space travel flights next year for around $200,000. Although the total cost goes up to around $450,000 with the additional fees for meals, luggage and inflight Wi-Fi.


Missouri’s governor has signed a law banning marriage for 15 year olds. Although some people think it’s a good idea to have an electorate with a spouse and a couple of kids by the time they are 18 and can vote.


Missouri’s governor has signed a law banning marriage for 15 year olds. Although it is still legal in Alabama, as long as they have signed permission from the family member they are marrying.


Scarlett Johansson has pulled out of a movie role where she was set to play a transgender because of Internet backlash. She was originally given the role because producer liked the idea more of hitting on her for sex at the auditions than a bunch of transsexuals.


Thousands marched in Scotland to protest Donald Trump’s visit. Mostly because the World Cup is almost over and the Scottish soccer hooligans are looking for the next reason to brawl.


A Saudi Arabian woman was arrested for hugging a male singer at a concert. It’s so strict there that women aren’t even to throw their burqas at Tom Jones.


A Saudi Arabian woman was arrested for hugging a male singer at a concert. It’s so strict there that any woman closer to the stage than the 6th row is officially labeled a groupie.


The search is on for a paraglider who flew over the Scottish resort where Donald Trump was staying. He flew so close in the restricted airspace that the Scottish Air Force immediately scrambled all their falconers.


The search is on for a paraglider who flew over the Scottish resort where Donald Trump was staying. People weren’t sure if they were more surprised by someone flying in restricted airspace or that there is actually a place labeled both “Scottish” and “resort.”


A Ryanair flight from Ireland to Croatia lost cabin pressure with the crew having to deploy oxygen. Which upset passengers even more when they were charged $40 for the Ryanair fee for inflight O2.


Kevin Anderson is calling for a change in the Grand Slam deciding set format after his Wimbledon semifinal match went six and a half hours. It took so long they almost had to delay the start of next year’s tournament just to get through this one.


Kevin Anderson is calling for a change in the Grand Slam deciding set format after his Wimbledon semifinal match went six and a half hours. One suggestion is that both players finish the final set using badminton racquets and a birdie.


Two men claiming to be the sons of Charles Manson have joined in a fight over his estate. The sad part is the court refused to consider them his sons, instead using the term “spawns.”


Two men claiming to be the sons of Charles Manson have joined in a fight over his estate. There are two people who have no pressure on ending up doing better than their dad.


Two men claiming to be the sons of Charles Manson have joined in a fight over his estate. How much are you in need of some cash to admit to everyone your dad is Charles Manson?


Arizona floods forced some tourists to evacuate. The desert flood waters got so deep they actually rose over the tops of a couple of street curbs.


A team is being sent by Donald Trump to meet with Mexico’s incoming president to try to repair relations. How bad is it that Trump is already at odds with a country’s leader before they even take office?


Police officers in Georgia are being accused of using a coin toss to decide whether to arrest a suspect. Which is still better than the person they shot after doing rock-paper-scissors.


Police officers in Georgia are being accused of using a coin toss to decide whether to arrest a suspect. As opposed to the old days in Georgia when a ride in a Black & White was determined on whether you were black or white.


Digital currency platform Coinbase is exploring adding five new cryptocurrencies. Apparently it’s for people who want to try to lose all their money even faster than they did with Bitcoin.


French President Macron has given the country’s military budget a boost. The word is they will now be able to afford to equip their troops with twice as many white flags.


New York health officials are recommending pot legalization in a report to the governor. It was pretty obvious what their decision was when it came in written on a pile of Zig-Zag papers.


New York health officials are recommending pot legalization in a report to the governor. It was obvious what their decision was going to be since it was originally commissioned back in 1972.


Shared workplace company WeWork says it will no longer expense meals that contain meat. Which is good news for employees who still like to take their lunch break at Taco Bell.


The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is urging automakers to speed up replacement of faulty Takata airbags. And who knows better about annoying airbags more than a government agency?


United has joined other airlines in pitching its credit card to customers. It comes in handy when passengers max out all their other cards paying for luggage, snacks and inflight Wi-Fi fees.


United has joined other airlines in pitching its credit card to customers. Apparently flight attendants are getting pretty aggressive with their tactics, telling fliers the last person who didn’t sign up was the guy they dragged off the plane.


Johnson & Johnson has been ordered to pay $4.7 Billion in a case over baby powder. It was so bad, after the award was announced all the company executives needed a diaper change.


The FDA has approved the first drug treatment for smallpox. Not to say the agency moves slowly, but the patent was originally filed when there were actually still smallpox back in 1785.


The FDA has approved the first drug treatment for smallpox. Now that they are done with that, they can look at treatment for other maladies such as dropsy, consumption and leprosy.


A study says only 17% of U.S. kids are tested to see if they are learning basic skills. Mostly because anymore, a child who can work an iPad and iPhone is pretty much set to make it all the way through school.


A report says 1 in 9 U.S. adults over 45 say they have memory issues. Mostly in forgetting how old they really are when filling out a job application anymore.


A report says 1 in 9 U.S. adults over 45 say they have memory issues. The other 8 are saying “What was the question?”


A study says young women are more likely to become depressed when pregnant than in the past. Although they have no idea the real depression starts when their kid becomes a teenager.


A study says the human brain is as unique as a fingerprint with no two alike. Except in the Kardashian family where everyone’s brain activity test comes back with the exact same flatline.


A study says heart disease in dogs may be tied to certain foods, especially those containing potatoes. Which is bad news as for some reason that is the favorite type mainly for Irish setters.


A study says heart disease in dogs may be tied to certain foods. Especially now that  McDonald’s has gotten into the business with their new Big Mac Kibbles & Bits.


The CDC issues a warning about Kellogg’s Honey Smacks over a salmonella outbreak saying “Do not eat this cereal.” The sad part is once the contamination is over, after looking at the ingredients the CDC may still be warning “Do not eat this cereal.”


The CDC issues a warning about Kellogg’s Honey Smacks over a salmonella outbreak saying “Do not eat this cereal.” It turns out the cereal’s mascot got his nickname “Dig ‘Em” from all the graves he had to prepare.


Harvey Weinstein says he was misquoted over offering movie roles to women for sex. Apparently he just made them think they would get the roles if they had sex with him.


A “Downton Abbey” film is reportedly in the works. It’s the one where moviegoers will leave the theater after 12 hours still wondering who the characters are and what actually happened.


A “Downton Abbey” film is reportedly in the works. People are warned it will be made in England where they consider it entertainment to watch a four hour soccer match ending in a 0-0 tie.


Niecy Nash was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Apparently they are giving out stars now to anyone who actually strolls all the way down the entire distance of the Walk.


Lady Gaga is reportedly starting her own cosmetics company. Her first products will be for people who wear her line of meat dresses and need charcoal briquette mascara, barbecue sauce blush and Worcestershire bronzer.


Magic Johnson says LeBron James will have a say on personnel moves with the Lakers. A player making front office decisions? Who does he think he is, Magic Johnson?


Magic Johnson revealed details of the meeting which sealed LeBron James becoming a Laker. Apparently it was that moment when he mentioned something about 4 years for $154 Million.


Jaylen Brown says about the NBA’s One and Done Rule, if a person can serve in the military at 18 they should be able to play in the NBA. Especially if it involves getting combat experience for anyone having to make it to the arena for a game in Detroit.


Some fans took offense at the Montgomery Biscuits minor league baseball promotion for Millennial Night. Which is no big deal as most people under 30 are asking “What’s baseball?”


LeBron James’ agent says his move to L.A. was a “basketball decision” based on “what made him happy.” Which turns out is pretty much living anywhere besides Cleveland.


John Isner was praised for signing autographs after losing a six and a half hour long semifinal match at Wimbledon. Although it turns out he didn’t realize he was signing souvenirs, he thought he was approving an extension because the match caused him to overstay his visa.


Senator Joe Manchin told Senator Chuck Schumer to “kiss my you know what” over the vote on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. Which is refreshing to hear a politician say those words to another politician for once instead of their constituents.


The cleanup of Mike Pence’s family’s gas stations will reportedly cost taxpayers millions of dollars. At least now Donald Trump has someone on staff who is qualified to take over for Scott Pruitt.


A new LG smartphone will come with five cameras. Mostly so they can claim to be the only one that can get the entire backside of Kim Kardashian in one photo.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just a quick warning to those of you who check this out every day. I will be heading out of town for a couple of days so I may have just a few jokes and possibly not any on Wednesday and Thursday. Try not to cheer too loudly over that. I will do my best but no guarantees. It is a very rare occurrence when I can’t get at least a few jokes out for your comedy fix. Which many of you are saying “Jokes?” So while I am gone, please don’t use that as an excuse to avoid remembering to always keep on sending the love!

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