Thursday, July 05, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A Michigan judge has ruled that kids do not have a fundamental right to literacy. Which finally allowed the Detroit School District to declare themselves a success.
A Michigan judge has ruled that kids do not have a fundamental right to literacy. Apparently he questioned why his state should be any different than Alabama, Mississippi or Georgia.
Alan Dershowitz says he has been “shunned” in Martha’s Vineyard because of his defense of Donald Trump. How unpopular is Trump after Dershowitz got along fine with everyone in Martha’s Vineyard after representing O.J. Simpson?
Alan Dershowitz says he has been “shunned” in Martha’s Vineyard because of his defense of Donald Trump. Although who really cares what others think when you have enough money to live in Martha’s Vineyard?
The FAA is telling passengers they are a safety agency, not a creature comfort agency. Which brings up the question is it a matter of safety or comfort when someone is dragged screaming off a United Airlines flight?
The FAA is telling passengers they are a safety agency, not a creature comfort agency. Especially when the creatures are all the dogs that have been dying inflight recently.
World Cup ratings have gone down 42% in the U.S. without an American team playing. Apparently people are still OK watching a team play three hours to a 0-0 tie as long as it features their countrymen.
Dog owners are giving their pets pot infused snacks to help deal with fireworks. Which works a lot better than the LSD they gave them which just made the dogs see fireworks going off 24 hours a day.
Somali terror group Al-Shabaab has banned plastic bags to “protect humans and animals.” They are so into the environment, they now insist all their suicide bombs be only kept in tote bags made from hemp.
The Pentagon has stopped posting the number of troops we have in Iraq, Syria and Afghanistan. Mostly because after this much time they are close to just declaring victory and bringing everyone home.
Donald Trump says Maxine Water’s “ranting and raving” will drive voters from the Democratic Party. Mostly because nobody likes a copycat and he thought of it first.
A study says zapping the brain with electricity could reduce violent tendencies. To which the people of Texas say they have proven that for years. It’s called the “electric chair.”
An Iranian general is accusing Israel of “stealing clouds” to create a drought. Which would be easier to believe if they weren’t living in the middle of the Middle East desert.
A study says testosterone pushes men towards buying luxury brands. When the word gets out about that, those male hormone supplements could become the female verion of roofies.
Sears is set to close 78 stores in September. People were surprised. There are 78 Sears stores still in business?
Amazon is trying to set new standards for faster shopping online. It’s for people who think microwave ovens would be better if they didn’t take so long.
A 92 year old Arizona woman shot and killed her 72 year old son for trying to move her into an assisted living home. Apparently she wanted to show him she could take care of herself.
A 92 year old Arizona woman shot and killed her 72 year old son for trying to move her into an assisted living home. Which ironically means she will now be staying in an assisted living compound called jail.
A study says sperm quality improves for men eating nuts. Which is an old version of the line “sweets for the sweet.”
Delta’s new 777 airliners have seats that are 18.5 inches across, the widest of any wide-body planes. Which is what you have to do to stay competitive in the U.S. where we have the widest-body passengers.
Delta’s new 777 airliners have seats that are 18.5 inches across, the widest of any wide-body planes. Which Southwest Airlines is now interested in as they know they can fit three people into just one of those seats.
The assessor’s office in Santa Clara County in California is warning homeowners of a scam to make them pay for documents. Mostly because the assessors are tired of con artists trying to take over their business.
Preservationists are calling for historic status for the L.A. Times Building. Especially for young people who will be able to learn about those things we used to have called newspapers.
A majority of Americans say the best days of the country are still ahead. Especially the ones born after 2000 who have pretty much lived their life in a recession.
A majority of Americans say the best days of the country are still ahead. Especially the anti-Trump people who can’t wait for his term to end in 2021.
A study says air pollution is linked to millions of new cases of diabetes. Mostly from people who have gotten obese from sitting on the couch all day because they don’t want to go out in the smog.
South Korea has cut its work week from 68 to 52 hours. To which the people running Amazon factories are saying “What a bunch of babies!”
South Korea has cut its work week from 68 to 52 hours. Mostly to give them time for school, their families and to be able to put in a full day at their second and third jobs.
South Korea has cut its work week from 68 to 52 hours. Mostly so they could increase their sleep time from three to five hours a night.
A British woman fractured her eye socket from blowing her nose. That’s the last time she uses someone else’s sleeve for her handkerchief.
A British woman fractured her eye socket from blowing her nose. Which changed the lyrics from the Crystal Gayle song to “Didn’t it break my eye when I blew?”
Cesar Millan, the “Dog Whisperer” says he crossed the border illegally with $100 in his pocket. Which Donald Trump says is exactly how he intends to send him back.
Cesar Millan, the “Dog Whisperer” says he crossed into the U.S. illegally with $100 in his pocket. Which is how he started whispering to dogs so the guards wouldn’t hear him while he was sneaking in across the border.
Yankees outfielder Brett Gardner says he was fined $3,500 in June for slow play. Which was getting out of hand as the rest of the team was already in their July schedule.
Yankees outfielder Brett Gardner says he was fined $3,500 in June for slow play. The Major League schedule now runs from March to November. What’s the hurry?
Yankees outfielder Brett Gardner says he was fined $3,500 in June for slow play. To which players in the World Cup and on the PGA Tour are saying “They can do that?”
LaVar Ball says his son Lonzo will make LeBron James better. If only by comparison.
LaVar Ball says his son Lonzo will make LeBron James better. Mostly by keeping James’ seat on the bench warm for him while he is on the court.
LaVar Ball says LeBron James will win two titles with Ball’s three sons. Which means LaVar is planning to buy all three of them season tickets.
Graeme McDowell had to withdraw from a British Open qualifier when Air France lost his clubs. Their promise to deliver the clubs on time turned from “oui” to “IOU.”
Graeme McDowell had to withdraw from a British Open qualifier when Air France lost his clubs. Which is still better than United who for a previous tournament lost three caddies and a groundskeeper.
An Egyptian tennis player was fined $15,000 for fixing matches. Mostly because being ranked outside the top 1,000 in the world, he wouldn’t have made that much money for those matches if he won them all.
A man posing as a Lyft driver in Australia allegedly kidnapped a woman. Which shows he was actually an Uber driver.
Poland’s Chief Justice is refusing to step down under the country’s new mandatory retirement age of 65. Which is different from the U.S. Supreme Court where justices don’t even get into a real rhythm until they reach 83.
A South African woman declared dead in an auto accident was found to be alive in the morgue refrigerator. Although now she has life-threatening injuries from pneumonia, frostbite and hypothermia.
Joey Chestnut won the Nathan’s Famous hot dog eating contest by downing 74 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Or as most Super Bowl fans call that, their Halftime meal.
Joey Chestnut won the Nathan’s Famous hot dog eating contest by downing 74 hot dogs in 10 minutes. He took home the coveted Mustard Belt for the 11th time. The only problem being each year having to let it out another three notches.
Michael Cohen has deleted “personal attorney to President Trump” from his Twitter bio. Apparently he prefers his new title of “jailhouse rat.”
A report says Donald Trump asked advisers about invading Venezuela in 2017. He was only discouraged when told they don’t have enough oil there to make it worthwhile.
Dozens of fireworks shows were canceled as wildfires torched the West. To which disappointed fireworks enthusiasts said “We wanted to start those fires!”
Scientists say a “cataclysmic collision” may be the reason Uranus is lopsided. Either that or because you just sit on the couch in the same position all day. (Juvenile, predictable, immature…but still always funny!)
Two 4,5000 year old homes were found near the Giza Pyramids in Egypt. Apparently they were abandoned when the owners found out the neighborhood was being rezoned to allow high-rises.
Two 4,5000 year old homes were found near the Giza Pyramids in Egypt. Being that long ago shows the houses were owned by a couple of “old Giza’s.”
A study says broadband networks could be used to detect earthquakes. Especially when the people who sit around binge watching Netflix all day fall off their couch.
Facebook has shuttered a teen app they bought eight months ago. Mostly because Facebook is no longer used by anyone under the age of 57.
That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Not a lot of great material since it was all news from the 4th of July. That’s usually not too big a news day other than fires and injuries from fireworks and indigestion from even watching the Nathan’s Famous hot dog eating contest. I hope you all had a very happy 4th. Everyone was complaining because it was on a Wednesday so it was just a one and done for the holiday except for the people who could stretch it into a five day extravaganza by taking off the two days on either side. I went to a pool party and roasted in 95 degree heat, ate too much and then went home to console my dog who didn’t want to even leave the house because of the fireworks noise. I don’t blame him. I don’t like to leave the house much anymore myself. But that gives me more time to crank out the jokes you see here every day. And it can’t be anything but a celebration when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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