Thursday, July 12, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says a French entrepreneur has created a train that can also fly. Don’t we already have that? It’s called “Amtrak.”


New road signs can reportedly detect when cellphones are being used in vehicles. Which is right around the time the vehicle crashes into the road sign.


A new “witness protection” program is being offered for whistleblowers in the tech industry. The first thing is to disguise them beyond recognition by taking away their docker pants, Polo shirts and cutting off their man-buns.


The German Army reportedly had soldiers using broomsticks for guns during training exercises because of low funding. Although the last thing anyone wants is a well-armed German military.


The German Army reportedly had soldiers using broomsticks for guns during training exercises because of low funding. It’s for soldiers who want to get into battle to make a clean sweep.


Honda has built a lawnmower that can go 150 mph. Apparently it’s for men who want to get all the yard work done during football season in the 30 seconds between plays.


Honda has built a lawnmower that can go 150 mph. Now if they could just get the Honda Fit to be able to go faster than 47 mph.


Hollywood producers are already working on making a film about the trapped Thai soccer team. Mostly because the movie could be three hours long showing the kids sitting around waiting to be rescued and still be more exciting than watching a World Cup 0-0 tie game.


A report says consumers are being flooded with dubious claims about the health benefits of pot. Which the amount they believe is usually based on just how stoned they are.


Paul Manafort is reportedly being treated like a prison “VIP” with his own shower, bathroom and phone. Meaning it is still better than if they had him holed up in a Super 8 Motel.


Paul Manafort is reportedly being treated like a prison “VIP” with his own shower, bathroom and phone. Which upset O.J. Simpson, who when he was in prison was tired of saying “Who do you have to kill to get some treatment around here?”


Uganda is going to review its proposed 5 cent a day tax to use social media. Mostly after President Yoweri Museveni was suddenly unfriended by 40 Million users.


Migrants are describing hunger and solitary confinement in a for-profit confinement center in Washington State. Mostly because prison managers know nothing cuts into the profit margin like actually providing people food and activities.


An Ohio man was killed after driving his riding lawn mower off a 50 foot cliff. Apparently he didn’t realize it was one of those Honda models that go 150 mph. (See above)


An Ohio man was killed after driving his riding lawn mower off a 50 foot cliff. His last words were “Are you sure Evel Knievel got his start this way?”


An Ohio man was killed after driving his riding lawn mower off a 50 foot cliff. Some people will do anything to get out of also having to do the edging.


Haitian rioting has caused American missionaries to fear for their lives. Even more so than usual.


The job market is reportedly so hot that people are “ghosting” potential employers, meaning disappearing without explanation. Apparently those are the employees who mix up using Monster.com with their Tinder app.


Eight Alabama death row inmates have asked to be executed using nitrogen gas. Three others beat the system and escaped the death penalty by asking to be executed using O2 gas.


Eight Alabama death row inmates have asked to be executed using nitrogen gas. Several other have asked to be executed using helium so they can die laughing.


A court has ruled TSA screeners are immune from claims by fliers of abuse. Mostly because if claims were allowed, the courtrooms would be more packed than the airport security lines.


A court has ruled TSA screeners are immune from claims by fliers of abuse. Especially for people flying United who pretty much use the abuse from the TSA agents as a warm up to how they are treated by the airline workers.


A drug company is suing to stop a Nevada execution by lethal injection because of legal and ethical concerns. Apparently the drug companies actually have a conscience that draws the line at just price gouging all their customers.


Donald Trump slammed German Chancellor Angela Merkel, saying Germany is “totally controlled” and “captive” to Russia. Which upset Trump because he thought of it first.


Ten volunteer firefighters were arrested in North Carolina for starting fires. As volunteers, apparently they just liked the idea of creating some busy work for themselves.


Driverless car makers want Congress to free them from state safety standards. Making cars with no one behind the wheel and no quality and performance controls. Now what could possibly go wrong with that idea?


A poll says a plurality of Democrats want to abolish ICE. Which is interesting as it is the only government agency that Donald Trump is not trying to completely dismantle.


Donald Trump is considering tariffs on Chinese oxygen. Although after looking at their air quality reports and the number of smog alerts issued there, the question is does China even have any oxygen?


The average gasoline price in the U.S. is nearing $3 a gallon. Apparently the big oil companies are tired of waiting for a war as the reason to justify gouging all their customers.


A report says smarter devices and faster smartphones will follow the FCC 5G spectrum auction. And you thought your kids ignored your attempts to communicate with them now.


A study says medicinal pot decreases the number of opioid prescriptions. Mostly because the pot users are just too lazy to get off the couch and go to the pharmacy.


Uber’s chief HR officer has stepped down. How bad are things at Uber if that person managed to make it through the entire time former CEO Travis Kalanick was still there?


Uber’s chief HR officer has stepped down. People were surprised at the news. Uber actually has an HR department?


Dunkin’ Donuts and Baskin-Robbins have named a new CEO, a veteran McDonald’s executive. Which means that will be one company that is not going to be focusing on a healthy menu.


Scientists have identified a protein linked to armpit odor. Apparently it is the one protein that is found in the recipes for every single type of food made in France.


Sarah Palin says she was duped by comedian Sasha Baron Cohen. That’s a real turnaround, considering she is the one who duped the state of Alaska and the entire Republican Party.


Tyler Perry is warning fans not to fall for a Facebook scam using his name. Although it’s too late for the people who already fell for the scams with his name like “Medea’s Family Reunion,” “Medea Goes To Jail” and “A Medea Christmas.”


Innovative cinematographer Robbie Muller has died at age 78. His family says he died peacefully, just fading to black.


The Cleveland Indians lost a game to the Cincinnati Reds after sending in the wrong relief pitcher. It was so wrong, it turns out they used a reliever from the Kansas City Royals bullpen.


Randy Moss is mentoring Jameis Winston, saying the quarterback must learn from his mistakes. Although having Randy Moss mentoring someone with behavioral issues is kind of like putting Rob Gronkowski in charge of Johnny Manziel.


Montana State’s quarterback is sitting out the 2018 season to focus on academics. To which all other student-athletes in the country are saying “Aca-what?”


Montana State’s quarterback is sitting out the 2018 season to focus on academics. Which is no big deal as the team probably has just as much chance of winning without having a quarterback.


The NBA is moving to eliminate the “One and Done” requirement, with 18 year olds eligible to go into the NBA. That means in some cities, teams will be drafting right out of the 4th grade.


Former NBA players are bringing 3 on 3 basketball games to Detroit. Which is different than the 1 on 5 games that were being played before Kobe Bryant retired.


The PGA Championship will be moved from August to May. If for no other reason, to not have it between Memorial Day and Labor Day to prevent any players from wearing those hideous white pants.


The DHS says Russia is not hacking our elections yet. Maybe they might be waiting for when the elections actually take place in November?


The DHS says Russia is not hacking our elections yet. Mostly because they know if they leave us alone long enough, we will wreak more havoc by ourselves than they ever could.


New Jersey has set aside $2.1 Million to help immigrants facing deportation. Although the ones there are turning down the cash saying they would rather be shipped back than spend another day in New Jersey.


A former Bill Clinton adviser is reportedly pleading with Hillary Clinton not to run for President in 2020 for her “family’s sake.” To which the Democrats are saying “and our sake, too.”


Macy’s is warning customers of an online data breach. It may have affected as many as all three Macy’s customers who actually know how to use a computer.


Scientists say they have found the world’s oldest color, bright pink which dates back 1.1 Billion years. And wouldn’t you know the announcement comes right when Fashion Week declares it to be the hot color trend for the autumn runway season.


A UK company offering pregnant women and new parents health advice has been fined for selling their data to the Labour Party. The question being who else would you sell information about pregnant women to other than a party that is all about labor?


Bitcoin has dropped 66% in value since December. Not to say it is in trouble, but its latest evaluation puts it somewhere between the Mexican Peso and the Chuck E. Cheese token.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I appreciate all of you logging in to check out the blog. Feel free to tell family and friends about it. It’s a nice way to get them back, especially the family members who ruin every holiday meal and activity. A few days of them reading these jokes and you will have your revenge. And, you’re welcome. Of course, you can always pay me back in the usual way by remembering to always keep on sending the love!

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