Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

More than 200 people have been sickened by a parasite in Del Monte vegetables. People were surprised. There are 200 Americans who eat vegetables?

Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh says a judge must interpret the Constitution as written. What, is it printed up in French?

Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh says a judge must interpret the Constitution as written. The question is, if it needs to be interpreted exactly as it is written why do we even need a Supreme Court in the first place?

The fifth “Indiana Jones” movie release date has been delayed until 2021. By then, Harrison Ford will be so old the artifact they will be searching for is a VHS tape of “American Graffiti.”

Thieves in California stole $27,000 worth of gadgets from an Apple Store. Meaning they got away with two iPhone Xs, an iPad and Apple Watch.

A report says airline restrooms are getting smaller. Mostly to discourage passengers from sitting on the toilet the entire flight because there is more room there than in their seat.

A report says airline restrooms are getting smaller. They are getting so small, Ralph Fiennes can only use them to have sex with one flight attendant at a time.

The trade deficit with China has reached a record $152 Billion. Which coincidentally is also exactly the same amount of total sales reported this year at Wal-Mart.

CNBC has named Texas as the top state for business this year by adding 350,000 jobs. And those are just the latest hires for agents with the Border Patrol.

A report says older immigrants are “crowding out” U.S. teens for summer jobs. No one even knew American teens wanted to be hotel maids, do lawn maintenance and pick crops.

A report says older immigrants are “crowding out” U.S. teens for summer jobs. What’s even worse is that before that, U.S. teens were crowding out their parents for those same jobs.

A report says a new blood test can reveal a person’s life expectancy. Which is determined to be longer for those who have a health insurance plan that actually pays for the blood test.

A report says a new blood test can reveal a person’s life expectancy. It gets lower the closer the person’s blood gets to the viscosity of maple syrup.

A study says having the “right” genes determines who does better in life. Those genes being the ones in common with all the members of the British Royal Family.

A study says having the “right” genes determines who does better in life. Especially for any women who have the same DNA as Emily Ratajkowski.

An 87 year old Ukraine man has the world’s largest family with 346 living descendents. To which Kevin Federline is saying “Just wait ten more years!”

A New Jersey man caught a flesh-eating bacteria while out crabbing. The sad part is he was most worried about catching a case of the crabs.

A New Jersey man caught a flesh-eating bacteria while out crabbing. Although that still wasn’t as dangerous as getting in line for the all-you-can-eat crab buffet at Red Lobster.

A survey says two of the top ten web pages are porn sites Pornhub and Xnxx. Not only that, the top two pages that are search engines are used mostly to find Pornhub and Xnxx.

A report says Americans are quitting their jobs at the fastest rate since 2001. Sometimes people just need a change from flipping hamburgers to rolling tortillas to baking pizzas.

Scientists say they have found the world’s oldest color, bright pink. Which now means there is even more evidence that God is a woman.

The dancing FBI agent who accidentally shot a bar patron while doing a backflip can carry his gun again. Not only that, he is being urged to become a contestant on “Dancing With The Stars” the next time the show features one of the Kardashians.

The dancing FBI agent who accidentally shot a bar patron while doing a backflip can carry his gun again. Although the agent still didn’t exhibit as much fancy footwork as James Comey being grilled by Congress.

The cave where the Thai soccer team was rescued from could reportedly become a tourist attraction. What could possibly go wrong with that brilliant idea?

The TSA is denying they spilled the cremated remains of the mother of New York Giant tackle A.J. Francis. They say they simply mixed them down with less than three ounces of liquid.

The Army says it will roll out its new fitness test in 2020. Which will hopefully mean an end to how they now have to literally roll out all their new recruits.

The Army says it will roll out its new fitness test in 2020. Apparently they are resigned to using the tests that young Americans can pass, meaning trading out pushups and situps for qualifying for Nathan’s Famous hot dog eating contest.

The Army says it will roll out its new fitness test in 2020. Which is still unlike the fitness test they use in France which consists of learning to march as fast as possible in reverse.

A French investigation reveals how to tell where a wine really came from. Meaning if it comes in a cardboard box, there is a pretty good chance it was bought at Wal-Mart.

American Airlines is the latest to ban plastic straws and stir sticks. Mostly because the straws are just too wide to be able to fit in a basic economy seat.

Apple’s app store has turned ten years old. People can wish the site happy birthday by paying $3.99 for the special Apple app store anniversary app.

Target has announced a new line of low calorie, high protein ice cream. Otherwise known as “cottage cheese.”

Southwest Airlines has stopped serving peanuts to protect allergic passengers. But mostly so they can squeeze yet another quarter out of every seat on each flight.

An L.A. Bitcoin trader was sentenced to a year in prison for money laundering. Otherwise known as trading Bitcoins.

A report says sales of men’s testosterone supplements are dropping. Mostly as men realize male hormone doesn’t make much of a difference for sitting on the couch watching TV all day.

Fans of “The Bachelorette” were upset when their program was interrupted for the announcement of the Supreme Court nominee. Although Donald Trump did appease them somewhat when he made the announcement by handing Brett Kavanaugh a rose.

The new owner of the Carolina Panthers says he is “contractually obligated” to keep the statue of former owner Jerry Richardson who was accused of inappropriate behavior. The statue will just be altered so one hand will be reaching out as if to grab a rear end.

The Tampa Bay Rays are planning to build baseball’s smallest stadium with only 28,000 seats. Which most baseball fans are at least saluting their optimism.

The Tampa Bay Rays are planning to build baseball’s smallest stadium with only 28,000 seats. Or as the Miami Marlins call 28,000 seats, a pretty good month.

Steph Curry will play in the celebrity tournament in Lake Tahoe. He just needs to learn that unlike basketball, in golf taking three from 25 feet is not a good thing.

The Lakers officially announced the signing of LeBron James. Which also unofficially announced the end of the Cavaliers ever having another shot at the postseason.

Ohio GOP U.S. Senate candidate Jim Renacci is backing term limits for Congress. Which most other congressional candidates also support, mainly for the incumbent they are running against.

The Salt Lake Tribune in an editorial compared family separation to war crimes. They told their readers to imagine their own children separated from their dad and five moms.

GOP senators say they are willing to wait on a permanent replacement for Scott Pruitt. Apparently they want to give his interim replacement Andrew Wheeler sufficient time to see how well he can do at destroying the environment.

Michael Flynn has joined a lobbying firm ahead of his criminal sentencing. He may have to take leave time to serve his term, which in the lobbying industry is called “professional courtesy.”

Donald Trump says of his upcoming meetings with NATO leaders, Vladimir Putin will be his “easiest of all.” Mostly because all he does at those meetings is kiss his ring, be handed his instructions and leave.

A woman in England with arachnophobia ordered from KFC so the driver would kill a spider in her house. Although getting bitten by a venomous spider is still not as dangerous as eating a bucket of KFC.

The FCC wants to charge $225 to review consumer complaints. The first complaint being the idea a government agency trying to charge $225 to take complaints.

The FCC wants to charge $225 to review consumer complaints. Mostly because since everyone already hates the FCC, why not at least make some money while they are at it?

The FCC wants to charge $225 to review consumer complaints. Who do they think they are, an airline?

PayPal wrote a letter to a deceased customer saying her death breached its rules. And you thought the fine print on the other contracts you signed were severe.

Tesla is planning to build a plant in China with a goal of making 50,000 cars a year. Which will be programmed along with local tradition by only catching on fire during the Chinese New Year.

A report says corporate America is looking to high schoolers to train for the labor market, with some companies looking at children as early as kindergarten. No one had any idea that Nike was planning on opening any stateside shoe factories.

A report says corporate America is looking to high schoolers to train for the labor market. Mostly so if they go to college, they are earning money early enough so they can pay off their tuition loans by the time they retire.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is 7/11, which means everyone gets a free Slurpee at their local 7-Eleven store. So no matter how badly your day is, at least you have that going for you. And reading this blog. That surely has to be a high point in your day. Imagine, there are people who actually check these jokes out every day. It must be nice to have free time that you can’t come up with anything better to do with. Like with my fellow Karate student Mark Lewis who says he checks these out all the time. There’s a shout out for you. I should do that to everyone, especially the ones who remember to always keep on sending the love!



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