Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Alan Dershowitz says he is being treated worse for sticking up for Donald Trump than he was for defending O.J. Simpson, Claus von Bulow and Michael Milken. He really needs to get into a new circle of friends.


Alan Dershowitz says he is treated worse for sticking up for Donald Trump than he was for defending O.J. Simpson, Klaus von Bulow and Michael Milken. What’s worse is that O.J., von Bulow and Milken have better odds of getting dinner invitations than Dershowitz and Trump.


Starbucks says it will stop using plastic straws by 2020. With the prices they charge for drinks, their straws should all be made of sterling silver.


Starbucks says it will stop using plastic straws by 2020. Apparently they feel they’ve already done enough damage with plastic for their customers who have gone deeply into debt paying using their credit cards to support their coffee habit.


Orioles first baseman Chris Davis is on track for the worst season in baseball history, with a .157 batting average. He is making more than $20 Million a year, meaning his hits-to-salary ratio is even worse than Johnny Depp’s.


Orioles first baseman Chris Davis is on track for the worst season in baseball history, with a .157 batting average. It’s so bad, the Cleveland Browns are asking if he knows how to throw a football.


The Kansas City Royals have signed a 16 year old Japanese junior high school student. With a record of 25-64, the Royals couldn’t do much worse signing pitchers out of a church group slow pitch softball league.


A California man was arrested for DUI when he lit a cigarette with the flames from the burning car he just crashed. Which is the good thing for smokers driving a Tesla. Not only does the car have a cigarette lighter, it is one.


A report says smart technology can be used to see through walls to track and identify people. Apparently they got the idea from Super 8 Motels where you can hear people through the walls three rooms away.


A report says smart technology can be used to see through walls to track and identify people. Which happened after someone finally took an old comic book and actually ordered a pair of those X-Ray specs.


The Marine Corps is reportedly using dating apps to attract recruits. Which is interesting as it means the Marines are the only ones on a dating app able to get a two year commitment.


Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte has vowed to resign if anyone can prove God exists. To which Donald Trump is saying “Ahem...over here!”


Romania’s chief anti-graft prosecutor has been fired. To which Donald Trump is saying “You can do that?”


12,300 customers in L.A. lost power because of the ongoing heat wave. Which 12,300 is the number of people who can afford to actually buy or rent a house in Los Angeles.


A 25 year old Texas man posing as a high school student is being accused of having a relationship with an under-age teen. Usually the only 25 year olds who are still in high school in Texas are doing it to get an academic or athletic scholarship.


A New Jersey woman on oxygen died after the power company shut off her electricity. To which her neighbors are saying if she needs oxygen, what is she doing in New Jersey?


Eleven states have launched an investigation into fast food hiring practices. That’s no secret, they give you minimum wage, no benefits and say “Start working for the next 50 years!”


Eleven states have launched an investigation into fast food hiring practices. The question is when will they start looking into what they are putting into their food?


Eleven states have launched an investigation into fast food hiring practices. The other 39 won’t interfere since fast food restaurants are their main source of employment anymore.


U.S. citizens in Haiti are being warned to shelter in place because of recent violence. Which is pretty much a good idea for anyone who happens to be in Haiti.


U.S. citizens in Haiti are being warned to shelter in place because of recent violence. If “shelter in place” ever shows up on your itinerary, it may be time to get a new travel agent.


Twitter has recently shut down millions of fake accounts. The only problem is those are the ones pulling in all the ad revenue.


Twitter has recently shut down millions of fake accounts. Mostly because it turns out the only two people who actually have real accounts are Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian.


Catholic bishops in the Philippines are calling for three days of fasting after President Duterte called God “stupid.” Which for most Philippine families, fasting three days out of a week means they may be able to have enough food now for the other four.


Former enemies Ethiopia and Eritrea have declared an end to their war. Which means there could be as long a three week break before the next war breaks out in the Middle East.


Former enemies Ethiopia and Eritrea have declared an end to their war. Mostly because both countries realized there is nothing the other one has that they want.


Groupon is reportedly looking for a buyer. Which is good timing as this week only Groupon is offering a 50% coupon for anyone buying Groupon.


British foreign secretary Boris Johnson has resigned over Brexit. Which means it’s now down to Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump for the worst haircut still in world government.


Chevron boss John Watson was the highest paid energy company CEO in 2017, making $24.8 Million. Which answers the question as to why oil companies decided to raise the price of gasoline to $3 a gallon.


A JetBlue flight crew rescued a dog in distress by deploying oxygen. To which the people at United are saying “Thanks. Now everyone flying on planes will want breathable clean air.”


Nissan admits their emission test and fuel economy data were falsified. Which means they will have to take their smoky, low-mileage cars and sell them under the usual label of “Chrysler.”


Starbucks is ditching plastic straws over concerns of the threat to oceans. Although just a couple of weeks ago they dropped their concern of pollution from letting non-customers use their restrooms.


A survey says 83% of Americans drive their cars frequently. The other 17% are making enough money at their other jobs to not have to work for Uber.


A survey says half the country’s doctors are burned out, fatigued and depressed. Which now they know how their patients feel sitting in their waiting room three hours for an appointment.


A poll says 43% of Americans are now working remotely at least part of the time. The other 57% had jobs that went remote themselves over to South Korea, India and China.


An English woman claims her doctors dismissed a brain tumor as just symptoms of stress. Which means they are now finally right.


A study says the mainstream media will put a “conservative” label on Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee. Mostly because it is less professional to go with their other choices of “reactionary,” “far right” and “redneck.”


A study says the mainstream media will put a “conservative” label on Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee. The study was called “Research on the Painfully Obvious.”


A new mystery novel puts Barack Obama and Joe Biden together as crime fighters. Their first mystery is figuring out how the Democrats could have possibly lost an election to Donald Trump.


A report says only a fraction of Hollywood actors are from New York City and Los Angeles. Mostly because people growing up there aren’t dying to move to somewhere that isn’t as boring as Nebraska, Mississippi and Iowa.


Jay Cutler says he is looking to do “exactly the opposite of work.” Which is apparently the same philosophy that guided him through eight years of quarterbacking the Chicago Bears.


A penalty kick shootout in the World Cup sent an England team member’s wife into labor. She knew there was a problem when the kid started kicking more than the players.


Former Detroit Lions running back Jahvid Best is playing in a flag football league. Which means it is just like the old days in being on a team that never actually tackles anyone.


A minor league baseball game in Texas was delayed by a bee hive in the home dugout. Which meant the teams were dropped from “AA” down to “Bee.”


LiAngelo Ball says he will join the Lakers “probably later.” Just as soon as the team needs a new equipment manager.


Phil Mickelson broke a rule again which resulted in a two stroke penalty at the Greenbrier in West Virginia. How about for his next birthday someone buys him a copy of the “Rules of Golf”?


British Prime Minister Theresa May could face a vote of no confidence over Brexit. If we had that system in the U.S., voters would be forced to go to the polls every other day.


A ballot initiative to expand voter access in Michigan got the required 430,000 signatures. Which ironically is more people than traditionally turn out to cast a ballot on election day in Michigan.


A ballot initiative to expand voter access in Michigan got the required 430,000 signatures. It allows voting absentee for any reason, which is great news for voters in Detroit who don’t go to the polls because it’s too dangerous to leave their house.


Stockton, California will start giving a monthly $500 stipend to all residents. The only problem is that state and local taxes will immediately go up by $500 a month.


A new reality game show will help contestants pay off their college loans. Apparently it is literally a reality show with the winner taking their degree and getting a minimum wage job for the next 40 years.


Donald Trump’s longtime personal driver is suing for overtime wages. He put in so many extra hours because Trump travels like he runs his businesses. Constantly going around in circles.


Donald Trump criticized Pfizer for raising drug prices for “no reason.” Who do they think they are, an oil company?


Political groups are vowing to spend tens of millions of dollars on Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. Since it isn’t an election, this time they will just take the money and give it directly to Senators for their vote.


Donald Trump has nominated Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, praising the jurist’s “writing style.” Which apparently means his notes during trials are pretty much insults about the other judges and cartoon doodles.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is now July 10th, which must have some significance to someone. Not here. Just thought I would point that out. Of course, most of the stuff here has no significance to anyone either but at least it gives you all something to do for 15 minutes a day. Which is more than can be said for most jobs, especially for anyone who has recently been to the DMV. I hope you like the jokes, and I am anticipating some good news coming soon. No, the blog will still be written every day. It’s something else. Can’t say yet. Until that time times, I will just bide my time and hope as usual you all remember to always keep on sending the love!

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