Sunday, July 01, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! from the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


LeBron James has signed with the L.A. Lakers with a 4 year, $153 Million deal. Rumors that James was moving to L.A. increased after it was revealed he had bought Pasadena.

LeBron James has signed with the L.A. Lakers. His 4 year, $153 Million deal gives him a good down payment on buying a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

Michael Moore says we “have to put bodies on the line” to stop Donald Trump. As opposed to Moore who put his body on the line long ago for seconds and dessert.

A Michigan woman bit off part of a man’s ear in a Chinese restaurant after complaining about her meal. Apparently she ordered the pig’s ear but decided she would take what she could get.

A Michigan woman bit off part of part of a man’s ear in a Chinese restaurant after complaining about her meal. The restaurant workers say it wouldn’t have gone that far if the woman had just told them she was Mike Tyson’s mom.

Bitcoin has lost 70% of its value since its December high. The drop is really putting the “crypt” in cryptocurrency.

Filmmaker Dinesh D’Souza’s latest movie compares Donald Trump to Abraham Lincoln. Mostly as both were unable to stop an inevitable civil war.

Filmmaker Dinesh D’Souza’s latest movie compares Donald Trump to Abraham Lincoln. Although everyone else is thinking a little more recent with comparisons to other presidents, meaning more in line with George W. Bush.

A UCF professor is being accused of stalking a student, sending 800 messages a day. To which other students are complaining the woman gets 800 texts a day and they can’t get a response about their challenge to a test question.

Feds say drought could drop Lake Mead to catastrophically low levels. It’s getting so bad, the Las Vegas mobsters have to drive all the way to Lake Tahoe in order to get rid of any bodies.

A report says inflation indicators have hit a six year high. It’s getting so bad, the only way Donald Trump can see dealing with runaway inflation is making his next economic adviser Tom Brady.

Canada is retaliating on U.S. tariffs with $12.8 Billion of their own on U.S. imports of yogurt, roasted coffee, sleeping bags and toilet paper. Which really won’t affect too many Canadians other than new-age tourists who like to camp out.

The oldest man in America at 112 was reportedly robbed of his bank savings through identity theft. Apparently it was pretty easy since his Social Security number is “3.”

A judge has banned Kentucky from requiring Medicaid recipients to work. Mostly because if they still had their jobs they wouldn’t have lost their employee health insurance and needed Medicaid in the first place.

The TSA is now requiring travelers at airports to put their snacks in bins for screening. First it was shoes, then liquids and going through naked body scanners. But the TSA is really asking for trouble taking away passengers’ Doritos.

The TSA is now requiring travelers at airports to put their snacks in bins for screening. Which people wouldn’t care about other than buying two bags of chips and some cookies on the plane costs $45.

The TSA is now requiring travelers at airports to put their snacks in bins for screening. No one had any idea that code level “orange” meant the color of TSA agents’ fingers after eating everyone else’s Nacho Cheese Doritos.

South Korea has officially cut its workweek from 68 to 52 hours. The problem is they needed all those factory hours to keep pumping out all the video games they are selling to American kids who have never worked a day in their life.

South Korea has officially cut its workweek from 68 to 52 hours. The U.S. is now down to a 20 hour workweek, but it’s just that people have to do that now for three different jobs.

A theme park in France is holding a “nude day” as topless tourism is growing there. The only problem is the park can’t reopen for three days until workers can wipe off all the seats.

GM says tariffs on auto imports could hurt business by driving up car prices. Which they could avoid if they didn’t make all their vehicles in Mexico, China and Europe.

GM says tariffs on auto imports could hurt business by driving up car prices. The problem is that U.S. manufacturers have to build overseas not because it’s cheaper but because it’s too dangerous to try to make anything in Detroit.

Student loan giant Navient is being sued by California for allegedly cheating borrowers. The first clue was putting all those students in debt for $100,000 just to get a college degree.

Student loan giant Navient is being sued by California for allegedly cheating borrowers. The good news is that the college degree is working for students who became educated enough to realize they just got ripped off.

A report says Americans spend $1 Billion every year on fireworks. The problem is mixing it with $2 Billion on alcohol which results in $5 Billion spent going to the ER.

Comcast says most of their services were restored following an outage on Friday. People were surprised. Cable companies offer service?

Economic adviser Larry Kudlow says the federal deficit is “coming down rapidly,” in a contradiction to all data. Which is why Donald Trump hired someone from Fox News, to be able to cut out the middleman and lie to the public directly.

Low-income tenants living near the Facebook campus are asking Mark Zuckerberg to stop landlords from trying to displace them. The worst part is that in the Silicon Valley, “low-income” means anyone making less than $250,000 a year.

The “dancing doctor” in Georgia who would perform during surgeries has agreed to a two and a half year suspension of her license. It looks like she was able to waltz her way right through the investigation.

Pot businesses in California are urging delays in strict testing rules. Not only that, but the more they test the more things seem to get delayed.

A study says the risk of death decreases after age 105. That’s true. How many people 106 or older do you hear about dying every year?

A study says the risk of death decreases after age 105. The problem is that it is a real trick making it through those first 104.

A study says the risk of death decreases after age 105. Mostly because people are happier and have less stress knowing they have lived long enough to finally retire.

An Ohio lawmaker has proposed a bill to force teachers to “out” transgender students to their parents. Which sounds like a waste of time as they can’t even get parents interested in their kids’ attendance or grades.

An Ohio lawmaker has proposed a bill to force teachers to “out” transgender students to their parents. The question being how bad are the parents if they don’t already have a pretty good idea about it?

A study says staying with one doctor may prolong people’s lives. Mostly because it just means those are the people who probably have a good health insurance plan.

A study says staying with one doctor may prolong people’s lives. Mostly from not having the stress of being forced to fill out new paperwork every time they go see a different doctor.

A report says nearly 80% of supermarket meat contains “superbugs.” The other 20% was not certain to actually be meat.

The FDA has approved the first drug to reduce excess sweating. Which ironically most people need when they get their monthly prescription bill.

The FDA has approved the first drug to reduce excess sweating. Which is timely for Trump Administration workers every time they hear the words “Robert Mueller.”

Brazil soccer star Marcelo left a World Cup game with a back injury a team doctor says may have been caused by a soft hotel mattress. The good news is he was replaced by a fan who spent the night at a Holiday Inn Express.

“Falconcrest” star Lorenzo Lamas has filed for divorce from his fifth wife. Ironically, his life could pretty much be turned into a spinoff of “Falconcrest.”

Selena Gomez says she has “stepped back a bit” following her kidney transplant. Which is different than how she stepped off a cliff with the time she spent dating Justin Bieber.

LaMelo Ball has gone 3-32 from behind the three-point line in the JBA. At that point the coach should be telling him not to try anything out of slam-dunk range.

LaMelo Ball has gone 3-32 from behind the three-point line in the JBA. At that point, the coach should be saying “Ever heard of an ‘assist’?”

Reds manager Jim Riggleman says the way to avoid bench-clearing brawls is to adopt the NHL rules. Which pretty much say you can only fight when the game is actually played on a layer of ice.

Reds manager Jim Riggleman says the way to avoid bench-clearing brawls is to adopt the NHL rules. Which brings up the question has Riggleman ever actually watched a hockey game?

Reds manager Jim Riggleman says the way to avoid bench-clearing brawls is to adopt the NHL rules. Because we all know NHL players settle their differences with an amicable discussion over tea.

LeBron James has informed the Cavaliers he will become a free agent. It’s always those closest who seem to be the last to know.

LeBron James has informed the Cavaliers he will become a free agent. Although they already had a pretty good idea when he gave them his new forwarding address at the Staples Center.

Mexican tennis pro Cesar Ramirez has been provisionally suspended for doping. Although being ranked at #391 in singles, it’s apparent he needs some better dope.

All of the U.S. Open tennis courts will have video review for the first time in 2018. Mostly so fans are spared watching contestants in a meaningless mixed doubles match arguing for 20 minutes over a line call.

A report says NFL preseason concussions are up 73% over last year. Mostly from players banging their heads against the wall trying to understand the catch rule.

The U.S. Ambassador to Estonia has resigned over Donald Trump’s comments about the EU. Mostly when the ambassador realized there isn’t much point in being a diplomat in an administration that has no diplomacy.

The U.S. Ambassador to Estonia has resigned over Donald Trump’s comments about the EU. People were surprised. Why do we even have an ambassador to Estonia?

A report says North Korea is believed to be “deceiving” the U.S. and increasing their nuclear production. Which means Donald Trump made a serious misstep in negotiating with Kim Jong-un in forgetting to make him pinkie promise.

Donald Trump says journalists should be “free from fear” in doing their job. Which sounds funny coming from the person who just a few days ago declared them all “the enemy of the people.”

Donald Trump says journalists should be “free from fear” in doing their job. Which for the people at Fox News means every day repeating their loyalty oath to the Republican Party.

A mobile “airbag” has been created to save dropped cellphones. Which until now, the phone airbag was referred to as the person who talks nonstop on their phone in the doctor’s office, gym or supermarket.

Nissan electric car buyers say they were misled by the company over charging time and range. Which means they are at least being treated exactly the same as anyone buying a car that runs on gasoline or diesel.

AT&T has raised an obscure fee on customers’ bills that will net than an extra $1 Billion a year. Who do they think they are, an airline?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, now that I am (hopefully temporarily) unemployed, I was able to go out and actually do something I haven’t done in years in playing a full 18 hole round of golf. I went out and actually shot an 81. Not too bad for a hacker like me. It was nice to get outside and do something I should be doing all the time. Nice to have a break to see what I have been missing. And no, I don’t miss the douchebags who are probably still checking out this site to see what I am saying about them. The people I do care about are the ones who come here every day to read the jokes and have some fun. Of course, I care even more about the ones who remember to always keep on sending the love!

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