Friday, June 08, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Mandy Moore says she was “hurt” by Wilmer Valderrama when he lied about taking her virginity. Who would think that a man would ever lie about sex?

Mandy Moore says she was “hurt” by Wilmer Valderrama when he lied about taking her virginity. Apparently during the interview he wanted to change the subject to something other than why he has been out of work for 10 years.

The original Gerber Baby who is now 91 just met the newest. Which was fun because Gerber baby food is the only thing that both of them eat.

U.S. agencies are warning that the hacking of an aircraft is only a matter of time. The one thing preventing it is hackers not wanting to pay $35 for airline Wi-Fi to get into the system.

A report says a UPS strike could disrupt business across the U.S. The good news is it could force people wanting to buy something to actually leave their homes for the first time in years.

The Global Law & Order Index says Venezuelans don’t trust police, are afraid to walk at night and are assaulted and robbed at a high rate. To which the people of Michigan are saying “Have you been to Detroit lately?”

A report says Venezuela is the most dangerous country in the world. To which Iraq, Afghanistan and Iran are saying “We’ve got ISIS, suicide bombings and the Taliban, and we did it all without evening allowing alcohol!”

A report says Venezuela is the most dangerous country in the world. To which Iraq, Afghanistan and Iran are saying “We could beat you with one hand tied behind our back. If we had any hands left.”

Colin Kaepernick is expected to subpoena Donald Trump over his taking a knee during the National Anthem at NFL games. Which is ironic as Stormy Daniels wants to subpoena Donald Trump for also getting on her knees.

Warren Buffett says the economy is feeling strong, “like being in the 6th inning with our sluggers coming to bat.” Which is also the time the banks, energy companies and investment firms are looking for the chance to steal.

Warren Buffett says the economy is feeling strong, “like being in the 6th inning with our sluggers coming to bat.” Which is a weird analogy as what happens when we get to the ninth inning?

Warren Buffett says the economy is feeling strong, “like being in the 6th inning with our sluggers coming to bat.” Although for most people contemplating retirement, it looks like they need to get ready to go a lot of extra innings.

The trade deficit with China has reached $119 Billion. Which is pretty much otherwise known as the inventory of Wal-Mart, Target and Amazon.

A Navy review says 85% of their junior officers have poor ship handling skills.  Which is no surprise as 97% of them still can’t even drive a stick shift.

A Navy review says 85% of their junior officers have poor ship handling skills. The good news is when those officers leave the Navy, at least they are qualified to become a ship captain over at Carnival.

A study says non-drinkers are more likely to miss work than moderate drinkers. Mostly because after downing about four beers, the moderate drinkers can usually talk themselves into going to the office.

Chicago leads the country with the most homes with negative equity. Even after Hurricane Harvey, Houston doesn’t have as many homes still underwater.

Scientists say walking fast can add years to your life. Mostly because that makes it harder to be hit in a crosswalk by drivers texting behind the wheel.

Scientists say walking fast can add years to your life. To which people under 30 are asking “What’s walking?”

A report says grave robbers have been stealing bones from historic cemeteries in Miami. Which sounds like a lot more trouble than just heading over to Carrows during the Early Bird Dinner.

A report says troubles in San Francisco are pushing some voters there to think Republican. Which is good news in possibly finally having some more company for the three Republican voters already living in the Bay Area.

California Congressional candidate Katie Hill is hoping to help bring the House back to the Democrats. As a bisexual, she has the advantage of being able to work both sides of the aisle.

76ers President Bryan Colangelo has resigned over a Twitter scandal where he was found to be “careless and reckless” in sharing sensitive team information. Apparently he confused being president of the 76ers with President of the U.S.

A van carrying 15 show dogs was stolen from the parking lot of an In-N-Out restaurant in California. Fortunately, it wasn’t in the parking lot of a Taco Bell or the fate of those dogs would have been sealed.

A van carrying 15 show dogs was stolen from the parking lot of an In-N-Out restaurant in California. It would have been instant justice for the thieves if instead of show dogs the van was filled with stray pit bulls.

A report says participation in the gig economy has dropped since 2005, mostly because the majority of those workers are older. You can tell that’s the case when your Uber driver shows up behind the wheel of a 1974 Buick.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is offering free legal help to a pizza deliverer facing deportation. The worst part is that it has to be a rush job as the INS wants to deliver him back across the border in 30 minutes or less.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is offering free legal help to a pizza deliverer facing deportation. Apparently he forgot he’s the governor and could just skip through the whole process with a pardon.

The Bermuda Supreme Court has reinstated same-sex marriages. Which is only right for the territory that gave us Bermuda shorts.

A report says rural Americans do not have enough access to dentists. Which is OK since those are the people who elected Donald Trump, and if you have looked at the people at a Trump rally it’s pretty obvious they don’t need any dentists.

Donald Trump says he doesn’t need to prepare for his summit with Kim Jong-un, it’s more about “attitude.” In other words, the same way he runs the White House.

Donald Trump says he doesn’t need to prepare for his summit with Kim Jong-un, it’s more about “attitude.” What’s that mean, strutting into the room with the P.A. blaring “Shut Up Kiss Me”?

Donald Trump says he doesn’t need to prepare for his summit with Kim Jong-un, it’s more about “attitude.” Which means our entire diplomatic strategy is now being replaced with the idea to “Dress For Success.”

The NTSB says the Tesla driver killed in a crash in California was not holding the wheel. How else was he going to eat a burger, text and flip off the other drivers?

A study says the biggest impact a person can have on the Earth is to avoid meat and dairy. Mostly as that would reduce the population dramatically with all the people starving to death.

A study says the biggest impact a person can have on the Earth is to avoid meat and dairy. And that’s just the effect on the atmosphere from all the people who are lactose intolerant.

Economists say the best shape the U.S. economy was ever in was 1955 during the Eisenhower Administration. Which explains why Donald Trump is continually trying to push us back to that year.

Home equity has boosted the U.S. household net worth to $100 Trillion. The bad part is that is just the net worth of the homes of Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg.

Starbucks is raising the price of its coffee by 10 to 20 cents. Which is otherwise known to customers as “Tuesday.”

Starbucks is raising the price of its coffee by 10 to 20 cents. The good news is that amounts to an increase of just one thousandth of a percent.

A Medicaid work requirement bill has been sent to Michigan’s governor. The only problem being the people who want healthcare will have to be driving all the way to Minnesota to find any work.

A Medicaid work requirement bill has been sent to Michigan’s governor. The only problem is for all the people who need medical treatment in order to finally get healthy enough to go back to work again.

Video was taken of a rat inside a bag of Burger King buns in Delaware. To which the Pizza Rat says he had a good run at it and it was fun while it lasted.

St. Louis University will pay $3,500 for people to get sick with the flu for a study. Which will be harder to get participants than the usual college students who are more available for studies on STDs, eating disorders and alcoholism.

A study says there is a link between nearsightedness and higher education. Mostly because college graduates have a tendency to read things with smaller print than the McDonald’s drive-thru menu.

The FDA says 12 deaths are being linked to weight loss balloons. Mostly from being electrocuted by the static shock when crawling across the carpet on a full stomach.

The FDA says 12 deaths are being linked to weight loss balloons. The fun part is when their gastroenterologist points out their intestines are in the shape of a wiener dog, giraffe or elephant.

Mariah Carey says her 7 year old son spend $5,000 online including ordering a dog. It must be true what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree.

Willie Nelson says Frank Sinatra made him a better singer. Mostly by coming up and telling him “Start singing better or I’ll break your face!”

Conrad Hilton has been sentenced to three years probation after being charged with grand theft auto for stealing a Bentley. He had no choice. It’s not like a Hilton could be seen being driven around in an Uber Prius.

The Colts say they think Andrew Luck is close to throwing footballs again. Which is perfect timing as he has just been signed to star in a new Levitra commercial.

The Colts say they think Andrew Luck is close to throwing footballs again. Although how many times did the Browns say the same thing about Johnny Manziel?

NFL player Josh Normal has received an honorary doctorate from his alma mater Coastal Carolina. Mostly for the fact he is the only athlete from the school who ever actually earned a bachelor’s degree.

Red Sox fans delayed a game against the Tigers with the lights from their cellphones. Which is what happens when 30,000 fans want to be like the players and use their devices to spend the entire game playing “Fortnite.”

Bartolo Colon has tied Juan Marichal with his 243rd win. Which made it even better when he recalled the two starting out their careers at the same time.

Chief Justice John Roberts told a graduating high school class to “Beware the robots.” Which sounds strange coming from someone working with eight other people who can’t even set their VCRs to the correct time.

Most Americans say NFL players who take a knee during the National Anthem are “not unpatriotic.” They’re just not employed.

Megyn Kelly defended Stormy Daniels, saying “being an adult film star doesn’t make you a liar.” Although being a former anchor at Fox News probably does.

Megyn Kelly defended Stormy Daniels, saying “being an adult film star doesn’t make you a liar.” Except when they insist their breasts are real.

A report says Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ biggest challenge is maintaining credibility while staying loyal to Donald Trump. Mostly because the two concepts are mutually exclusive.

Air Force leaders say “software” will decide who wins future wars. Which means war heroes in years to come won’t be packing an AK-47 as much as a Sony PlayStation console.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The French Open finals are this weekend. Which is great news for me and the three of you out there who even know what I am talking about. I am a big tennis fan and this is my favorite tournament of the year. Hoping that Rafa Nadal wins another major. OK, what next, an update on the world championships of cricket? I had better stop while I am not too far behind. Let’s just leave it at hoping you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



No comments: