Thursday, June 07, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


The Global Peace Index says the world is .27% less peaceful than in 2016. But people who are in more of a hurry for world conflict have to remember that Donald Trump has barely gotten started.

The Global Peace Index says the world is .27% less peaceful than in 2016. Or as Ivory Soap would say, the planet is now 99 44/100% dangerous.

A report says Dennis Rodman may play a role in the summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un. Mostly by advising when to do the pick and roll, pump fake and alley-oop.

A report says Dennis Rodman may play a role in the summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un. Mostly by refereeing a game between the two of “HORSE-s Ass.”

A report says South American economies are struggling to spark growth with Brazil at an estimated economic growth of 1.2%. Meaning Brazil is really getting waxed.

The world’s oldest person says she wishes she were dead as she gets ready to celebrate her 129th birthday. The good news is she may get her wish trying to blow out 129 candles.

A Philadelphia teacher is being accused of taking bribes for good grades. Suspicions were raised when she was seen leaving her classroom with seven bushels of apples.

The U.S. trade deficit has fallen to a seven month low. Mostly because it’s easy to abolish the deficit with Donald Trump’s tariffs pretty much assuring there will never be another imported good coming into the U.S. ever again.

David Stockman says stocks will plunge 50% in this “daredevil market.” Which most people don’t care about since losing 50% of their net worth is still a bargain compared with 2007.

Howard Schultz ripped Democrats for veering too far to the left, asking how they are going to pay for their proposed policies. Which the obvious answer will be for the government to nationalize all the Starbucks stores.

A study says sex is good for the brain as well as the body. Mostly for men who need to think up a fast excuse as to why they are sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 AM.

A study says sex is good for the brain as well as the body. Which will be good news the day men actually want sex with a woman for her brains over her body.

Researchers say people who sleep eight hours a night have more orgasmic sex. Mostly because the people with three jobs, two kids and a home mortgage don’t have enough energy for sex after getting only three hours of sleep every night.

A study says seven in ten Americans are suffering from news fatigue. The other three aren’t fatigued because watching the news makes them too scared to sleep.

A study says seven in ten Americans are suffering from news fatigue. The other three aren’t burned out about hearing of Donald Trump since they are the three in ten who actually voted for him.

A report says home prices will rise at twice the speed of inflation and pay. Which is great news for most people who as far as their pay increases go know that two times zero is still zero.

Rudy Giuliani says Kim Jong-un begged for the summit with Donald Trump “on his hands and knees.” Or was he confusing that with Stormy Daniels?

A Bangladesh farmer showed his support for the German World Cup team by sewing a 3.4 mile long German flag. Apparently as a farmer, he confused it with the old saying about reaping what you sow.

KFC has created a veggie version of its fried chicken in the UK. Apparently the restaurant chain got tired of Taco Bell’s monopoly of food made with fake meat.

KFC has created a veggie version of its fried chicken in the UK. Apparently it’s an experiment to see if they can still make it with enough fat and salt to someday be able to bring the idea to the U.S.

A soldier in Virginia who eluded police in a chase in an armored vehicle was charged with driving under the influence of drugs. Now who could have guessed that was the reason for the entire incident?

A soldier in Virginia who eluded police in a chase in an armored vehicle was charged with driving under the influence of drugs. Although if he can elude police in an armored vehicle, maybe he has a career ahead of him driving for NASCAR.

Pakistan is working to clean up Karachi, once called the world’s most dangerous city. To which the people of Michigan are saying “Have you been to Detroit lately?”

Jerry Maren, the last surviving Munchkin from “The Wizard of Oz” has died at 98. That is one movie that wouldn’t have been made without all the little people.

Jerry Maren, the last surviving Munchkin from “The Wizard of Oz” has died at 98. His final years were annoying when people kept asking him what Dr. Oz is really like.

Estonia has launched free bus service to stimulate the rural economy. Which is good news for rural Estonians who can’t afford bus fare to get out of Estonia.

The U.S. is now ranked the 114th most peaceful country on Earth. The good news is that Donald Trump still has 49 more countries to get past to make it to last place.

The U.S. is now ranked the 114th most peaceful country on Earth. Thank goodness we always have the Middle East to keep us from falling much further.

The Iraqi government has approved a manual ballot recount. The hard part will be for anyone accused of voter fraud to take part when they don’t have any hands.

Chris Farley’s family is suing a bicycle company for naming a fat-tire bike after the late comedian with the family saying damages could exceed $10 Million. Talk about an overinflated claim.

The School Safety Commission founded following the Florida school massacre says it will not study the role of guns in school violence. That’s like a report for actresses of the downside of Hollywood leaving out Harvey Weinstein.

Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush campaign alums are saying Howard Schultz is ignoring the lessons of 2016. The biggest lesson being that neither of those candidates won.

Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush campaign alums are saying Howard Schultz is ignoring the lessons of 2016. The biggest lesson being that to win the presidency it helps to have the entire nation go insane.

A study says smart devices lead to insomnia, poor sleep quality and depression for adolescents. In other words, it just speeds up the process of becoming a teenager.

Wal-Mart will start selling ten “distinctive labels” of wine. Not only that, but the plastic jugs it will be sold in can be used afterwards as a cool musical instrument.

Wal-Mart will start selling ten “distinctive labels” of wine. Which really won’t matter as the labels will be hidden by the paper bags most customers use to hold the bottle.

A Connecticut town has banned real estate signs in order to make the community more attractive. Also to hide the fact that half the town’s residents want to sell and move somewhere else.

A study says most Millennials prioritize eating healthy and staying in shape over saving and making money. Because it’s important to be the best looking people standing in the welfare line.

A study says most Millennials prioritize eating healthy and staying in shape over saving and making money. Because it’s easier to pick up passengers when you are the hottest looking Uber driver in the city.

A study says for men with heart disease or diabetes, stress at work may shorten their life. As opposed to men who have heart disease and diabetes who like their jobs and think that’s the recipe to live to a ripe old age.

Headspace aims to be the first FDA approved meditation app. Although that may change when it’s discovered driving while in the lotus position with your eyes closed is more dangerous than texting.

A report says syphilis cases in England are at the highest level in 70 years. Although it took longer than most thought it would after Madonna moved to the UK in 2000.

Woody Allen says he should be the face of the #MeToo  movement. His daughters agree, saying as long as it’s on a mug shot.

Former NBA player Glen “Big Baby” Davis faces seven years in prison over felony assault charges. He could be in for so long, by the time he is released he could be “Big Adolescent.”

Stormy Daniels says her former lawyer colluded with Michael Cohen. Is there anyone connected to the Trump Administration who isn’t colluding with someone?

Yale says applicants will no longer be required to submit essay scores from the SAT or ACT. Apparently once they graduated George W. Bush, any pretension that the school has any academic standards went right out the window.

Yale says applicants will no longer be required to submit essay scores from the SAT or ACT. Mostly because anyone under 30 has no idea anymore how to write a sentence without using acronyms, abbreviations or emojis.

A report says Kim Jong-un is working to shift his image from nuclear madman to skilled leader. In other words, he is becoming the exact opposite of Donald Trump.

A report says China is embracing the coffee culture craze thanks to Millennials. Which means soon China will be full of entitled young people driving for Uber, gaming non-stop and living in their parents’ basement.

Emirates Airline is looking at installing virtual windows in their planes that can show pleasant scenery instead. United is considering the same move so passengers can think they are flying while actually sitting five hours on the tarmac.

Emirates Airline is looking at installing virtual windows in their planes that can show pleasant scenery instead. United is considering the same move so passengers won’t have to see the missing engine, tail on fire or gremlin on the wing.

The newest Tesla may come without a steering wheel. But with Autopilot causing so many Tesla crashes, who needs a steering wheel in the cars anyway?

The newest Tesla may come without a steering wheel. Which most drivers don’t mind as long as they are instead replaced with a fire extinguisher.

Scientists say the Moon moving away from the Earth is increasing the length of days by .0017 seconds a century. And you though it seemed like it was already taking forever to get through Donald Trump’s first term in office.

Bill Gates is giving all 2018 college graduates his favorite new book for free. Which means all those graduates will finally feel it was worth every penny of that $100,000 college loan they will be paying off until they are 65.

A study says tropical cyclones are slowing down. Apparently all that global warming is getting so hot even tropical storms are getting tired a lot easier.

A study says sleeping too little or too much can raise the risk of dementia and early death. Well, that narrows things down.

A study says sleeping too little or too much can raise the risk of dementia and early death. Which is finally a reason for people to not keep hitting the snooze button.

A study says sleeping too little or too much can raise the risk of dementia and early death. To which everyone is saying “Well, which one is it?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another day filled with jokes that will give you hours of non-stop laughing. Or disgust over wasting 20 minutes reading these gags, I can’t remember which. But in any event, how bad can they be? Don’t answer that. They could be worse. Believe me, I can guarantee that. But one way to prevent that from happening is to remember to always keep on sending the love!


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