Wednesday, June 06, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A report says half the housing markets in the U.S. are overvalued. The other half are just a matter of no one actually being able to afford to buy a house there.

David Koch says he will retire from Koch industries. Apparently he wants to spend more time with his family teaching them climate change is a hoax and making sure they never have to pay another dime in taxes again.

David Koch says he will retire from Koch industries. It gets tough after so many years of sitting at a desk cashing paychecks from the company your daddy started.

Howard Schultz is stepping down as chairman of Starbucks. He says there are lots of things he can do as a private citizen, including a run for President. Never underestimate a man who got away with charging $12 for a cup of coffee.

The U.N. environmental chief says the planet is on the edge of a global plastic calamity. That doesn’t even include all the people who are still paying $18 a month on their credit card balance.

A report in the Wall Street Journal says climate change has run its course politically. Mostly because since Donald Trump became President, most of people’s fears are now towards thermonuclear war, healthcare, jobs, the economy…

Miss America is scrapping its swimsuit competition, saying they will no longer judge contestants on their physical appearance. In other words, it is no longer as much a pageant as a spelling bee.

Miss America is scrapping its swimsuit competition, saying they will no longer judge contestants on their physical appearance. Which means during the competition, sales will go way down for WD-40, Vaseline and duct tape.

A report says there is no evidence that having sex with robots is healthy. Although the same could be said about roughly half the humans on the planet.

Apple has unveiled a way to limit iPhone usage. The first step is to get a job where you actually do some real work and not stare at your phone screen all day.

Apple has unveiled a way to limit iPhone usage. Apparently it has to do with an app that tells people how to stay off the other apps that command all their attention.

Apple has unveiled a way to limit iPhone usage. Which is like the makers of Viagra telling users to have sex only with their wives.

Apple has unveiled a way to limit iPhone usage. Which is like the makers of opioids telling people to only take a couple of pills a day.

France has started work on a revolutionary “Alzheimer’s Village” where patients can roam almost free. Don’t we already have that? It’s called Miami.

Bill Clinton became upset during an interview on NBC about the Lewinsky scandal where he says he got “hot under the collar.” If he had only gotten hot under the collar, the whole Monica thing would have never happened in the first place.

A Sherpa is feared dead on Mt. Everest following a ASKT cryptocurrency stunt. That is one way to put the “crypt” in cryptocurrency.

A teenage girl learning how to drive killed two men in a Pennsylvania parking lot. Not only that, she failed the parallel parking section as well.

A teenage girl learning how to drive killed two men in a Pennsylvania parking lot. How was she to know there were still actually such things as pedestrians?

A teenage girl learning how to drive killed two men in a Pennsylvania parking lot. Ironically, it happened while she was texting her friends how easy it is to drive.

The U.S. labor market hit a milestone where for the first time in decades there are more job openings than people to fill them. With so many qualified workers around, how did we end up with the 535 who are currently sitting in Congress?

Donald Trump called off the Philadelphia Eagles’ visit to the White House. To which Kim Jong-un is saying can he make up his mind on holding any meetings?

Italy is furious at a tourist who took a selfie in front of a woman who was hit by a train. How bad is that person’s tour guide when everyone else comes back from Italy with selfies in front of the Vatican, Coliseum and Leaning Tower of Pisa?

Rudy Giuliani says he has a “clear conscience” in defending Donald Trump. Mostly because that job description calls for someone with absolutely no conscience.

Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper has vetoed a law allowing pot “tasting” rooms. Which means compared with wine tastings where people don’t actually drink the wine, at pot tasting are they supposed to not inhale?

Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper has vetoed a law allowing pot “tasting” rooms. Which before this, anything with pot that involved tasting was pretty much called a pizza parlor.

Vladimir Putin scoffs at the idea his “chef” could meddle in the U.S. elections. Apparently he is called his chef because Putin is always cooking up something.

Vladimir Putin scoffs at the idea his “chef” could meddle in the U.S. elections. He is called Putin’s chef because Trump has been in a stew about it for the past year.

Ethiopia has lifted its state of emergency two months early. Mostly because they have three new emergencies to take its place.

20 pounds of plastic was pulled from the stomach of a dead whale in Thailand. Although if they were Taco Bell wrappers, it would have still been better than if the whale ate 20 pounds of Chalupas.

Donald Trump says he “absolutely” has the right to pardon himself. Which is a moot point as he has never begged anyone’s pardon for anything he has ever done.

McDonald’s plans to add kiosks to 1,000 stores, saying people tend to order more from them. Mostly because they are less likely to screw up the order like the 16 year old standing behind the counter who can’t look away from their phone screen.

McDonald’s plans to add kiosks to 1,000 stores, saying people tend to order more from them. Mostly because customers feel more comfortable when they don’t have to explain the three Big Macs they ordered aren’t really all for them.

The CEO of Qatar Airways says no woman can do his job because it is too challenging. Mostly because it would be hard for women to get to work when they aren’t even allowed to drive cars there.

A report says one in three California households are struggling to reach a decent standard of living. Which for most people is just being able to say they live in California.

A report says one in three California households are struggling to reach a decent standard of living. The other two gave up on that idea ever happening back in 1987.

A man who calls himself the “whale whisperer” is being accused in a $3.3 Million financial scam. He says he could have gotten away with it if Shamu ever learned to keep a secret.

Howard Schultz is stepping down as chairman of Starbucks, with speculation he may run for President. After all, Donald Trump won with a lot of help from “Morning Joe.”

Business economists say they expect a new U.S. recession could start in 2020. To which most people are still asking when the last one is going to end.

A study says millions of Americans could be getting the wrong treatment to prevent heart attacks or strokes. Mostly because it’s hard to find a remedy to offset a bad diet, no exercise and excessive smoking and drinking.

A report says seasonal depression is not only confined to winter but can affect people in the summer months. Just ask any Baltimore Orioles fans.

A new app uses the sounds of the late painter Bob Ross to put people to sleep. Pretty much just like he did when he was on PBS.

Famous designer Kate Spade was found dead in her apartment hanging by a scarf. There are currently no suspects but the scarf is being investigated as an accessory.

Golfer Justin Thomas caddied for Michael Jordan as a kid and remains good friends with the basketball great. Which means it is only a matter of time before Thomas is caught in an SUV in a parking lot with a stripper.

A report says Donald Trump wanted to “punish” the NFL with his tax reform. But it turns out he just didn’t have the heart to make any fellow billionaires feel the pain of actually having to pay any taxes.

Scott Pruitt reportedly enlisted an aide to help his wife find a job at Chick-fil-A. Apparently he wanted her to have a more upscale job than McDonald’s or Burger King where there is too much traffic at the drive-thru window.

Scott Pruitt reportedly enlisted an aide to help his wife find a job at Chick-fil-A. Apparently he likes the fact that the restaurant is closed on Sunday so his wife could always be home that day cooking the family meal and scrubbing the kitchen floor.

Scott Pruitt reportedly enlisted an aide to help his wife find a job at Chick-fil-A. Which is strange he didn’t lobby McDonald’s for a job since Ronald McDonald works right down the hallway in the Oval Office.

A judge has given Paul Manafort’s team until Friday to reply to allegations of witness tampering. The team needs the time to make those people an offer they can’t refuse.

China has offered to buy nearly $70 Billion of American goods if the U.S. halts its tariffs. People were surprised. The U.S. can manufacture $70 Billion worth of goods?

Betsy DeVos says the Federal Commission on School Safety will not be looking at guns. Apparently they are more concerned about the real threats at school, like stepping on gum, getting a wedgie and eating cafeteria food.

Officials in Nevada are considering banning baseball bats, slingshots and items that can be used as weapons at protests. They feel it’s better to go with the more traditional Nevada method of discouraging protesters with automatic weapons.

A report says Medicare is expected to go broke by 2026, three years earlier than projected. People were surprised. How has it managed to stay solvent this long?

A report says Medicare is expected to go broke by 2026, three years earlier than projected. Which people are asking how it can go broke when the U.S. is still in business with a $20 Trillion deficit.

Deb Haaland from New Mexico is trying to become the first Native American woman ever to serve in Congress. So what’s Donald Trump going to call her, “Sacagawea?”

A mystery may have been solved as to how ancient Easter Island statues had stone “hats” placed on top. Apparently the natives wanted to make sure they all were wearing a proper Easter bonnet.

Scientists say it’s best to talk to dogs in a “baby voice.” Like when siccing a pit bull on a burglar, one should say “Who’s going to get his head ripped off by a good boy?”

A study says South Florida is one of the three worst places in the U.S. for retirees. The other two are any other places seniors decide to try to retire.

A study says men using psychedelic drugs are less likely to be violent to their partners. Mostly because it’s hard to hit someone whose face is melting off their head and flying away like a butterfly.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the jokes. It’s what I do. That makes it nice when you take the time to get my take on the world. Feel free to tell your friends and family or anyone you meet on the street about the site. What can it hurt, except their opinion of you. But more importantly, it’s even better when you all take the time to remember to always keep on sending the love!



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