Tuesday, June 05, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


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American Airlines is warning of higher fares if oil prices stay high. Or if they don’t.

American Airlines is warning of higher fares if oil prices stay high. Which most people are ready for since it’s been at least three weeks since the last fare increase.

Bernie Sanders says Disney needs a “moral defense” for making billions of dollars while having hungry workers. Although they still haven’t come up with a moral defense for giving us “Mars Needs Moms.”

Bernie Sanders says Disney needs a “moral defense” for making billions of dollars while having hungry workers. The question is where’s the moral defense for Disney World charging $125 to get in, $12 for a churro and $50 for a T-shirt?

Scientists have produced the firmest evidence of sterile neutrinos, particles that pass through matter without interacting with it. Which no one will care about until it shows up as a plotline on “The Big Bang Theory.”

Stockton, California is planning to fight poverty with a  $500 a month guaranteed income. The problem for people is to get the money they have to live in Stockton.

Stockton, California is planning to fight poverty with a  $500 a month guaranteed income. Which in California will pay for about two tanks of gas for the car they are living in.

A poll says half of all Bay Area residents want to leave. That doesn’t even include the people who can only afford to work San Francisco by commuting from Las Vegas.

A poll says half of all Bay Area residents want to leave. Which is tough for the people making $250,000 a year but find out it only pays rent for a cardboard refrigerator box in Ghirardelli Square.

Bill Clinton says he couldn’t be elected now because he doesn’t like embarrassing people. To which Hillary is saying “That never stopped you before!”

Scientists and chefs in Italy have developed a pizza they say prevents cancer. Mostly because the cheese and pepperoni kills you with heart disease, diabetes and high blood pressure long before you develop cancer.

An off-duty FBI agent dancing at a bar dropped his gun and accidentally shot a patron in the leg. You would think the FBI would be able to weed out agents who not only have two left feet but are also all thumbs.

An off-duty FBI agent dancing at a bar dropped his gun and accidentally shot a patron in the leg. The last time anything that dangerous happened on the dance floor was when Nicki Minaj was twerking while displaying a pair of 38s.

The new Italian government is vowing to create jobs and deport migrants. To which people in the U.S. are telling them “Been there, done that, don’t waste your time.”

Simon Cowell says he hasn’t used his cellphone in ten months, saying it made him distracted and irritated. In other words, like he was still working on “American Idol.”

Simon Cowell says he hasn’t used his cellphone in ten months, saying it made him distracted and irritated. Plus since he left “American Idol” it’s not like anyone is calling him anymore.

A historic exodus from Venezuela is leaving the country without teachers, doctors and electricians. Which is not that big of a deal as it’s not like Venezuela has any schools, hospitals or electricity.

Rudy Giuliani says Donald Trump could shoot James Comey and not be indicted, after Trump said he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and not lose support. Is there any scenario the Trump camp can come up with that doesn’t involve gunplay?

New Zealand sex worker activist Catherine Healy was made a dame. Mostly for promoting sex workers and taking the pressure off millions of local sheep.

New Zealand sex worker activist Catherine Healy was made a dame. Which ironically in the U.S. is what everyone used to call sex workers.

New Zealand sex worker activist Catherine Healy was made a dame. She was an elementary school teacher before becoming a sex worker. Just the opposite of how it works in the U.S.

A court has ruled the motto “In God We Trust” on currency does not amount to a religious endorsement. Mostly because when it comes to dealing with money, God is the only one who can be trusted.

Donald Trump’s lawyers wrote a paper saying in effect, he is the law. Has everyone already forgotten about what happened to that guy named Nixon?

Donald Trump’s lawyers wrote a paper saying in effect, he is the law. That’s no surprise. He is next talking to religious leaders to tell everyone in effect he is God.

A report says college enrollment has declined for the sixth straight year. Apparently more people figure they can get a low-paying job without getting an college degree they will be paying off until they are 65.

An American Airlines plane was diverted when its windshield was shattered by hail. If that happened on a Southwest flight, it would just mean extra ice for Happy Hour.

Bill Clinton says he defended the Constitution during the Lewinsky scandal. And if dropping his trousers is what it takes to save democracy, he would do it all again.

An IndyCar race was delayed for 30 minutes when a GM executive drove the $120,000 pace car into a wall. The question is, who let a GM executive get into a car without their chauffeur?

A New York man is suing CVS for telling his wife he has a prescription for Viagra. Especially since she found out and started refilling the bottle with saltpeter.

A New York man is suing CVS for telling his wife he has a prescription for Viagra. Apparently she had suspicions when he kept going out in the yard and throwing a football at a swinging tire.

The government is warning about suspicious prescriptions of a drug that treats a rare condition causing uncontrollable laughing and crying. The laughing happens when the drug works, the crying when they find it isn’t covered by their insurance.

A study says feeling disgust helps keep people healthy. Mostly by keeping them from eating that meal they ordered from Taco Bell once they see the food.

A study says feeling disgust helps keep people healthy. Which is the one good thing that can come from people following Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

Neighbors of a North Carolina hog farm won a $50 Million settlement for the smell and chemical spraying. Their legal team really brought home the bacon.

Neighbors of a North Carolina hog farm won a $50 Million settlement for the smell and chemical spraying. Which sounds about as deserving of a payout as people moving near an airport and then complaining about the noise.

A study says one in five U.S. young adults’ cause of death is opioids. The other four are still the more traditional morbid obesity, gunplay or drunk driving.

A study says Netflix is less popular among conservative viewers. Why pay for streaming when you can get all the TV you need for free watching Fox News?

A study says Netflix is less popular among conservative viewers. That will be fixed when they pick up reruns of “Duck Dynasty,” “Honey Boo Boo” and “Savage Wild.”

Victoria’s Secret model Bella Hadid says she is “too scared” to have plastic surgery. Mostly from two words: Tara Reid.

Victoria’s Secret model Bella Hadid says she is “too scared” to have plastic surgery. Who should be really worried is any doctor who could lose their license for even thinking of doing plastic surgery on Bella Hadid.

Kanye West says he was diagnosed with a mental condition at age 39. To which most people are saying “What took so long?”

Kanye West says he was diagnosed with a mental condition at age 39. Which is nothing compared to Donald Trump still not being diagnosed at 71.

PGA Tour golfer Bud Cauley says he is “lucky to be alive” following a car accident in Ohio. Next time he knows to let Tiger Woods out of the golf course parking lot first.

Former UFC champion Miesha Tate had a baby girl after being in labor 67 hours. Which to put in perspective is like being held in an arm bar by Ronda Rousey for just over two and a half days.

LeBron James is now 0-6 in chances to win Americans a free taco at Taco Bell. There’s a man who is willing to sacrifice his personal and team’s ambitions for the betterment of society as a whole.

Former Houston Texans cheerleaders are suing the team for intimidation and low pay. To which the team is saying they are helping them because those traits along with being pretty women is a pipeline to getting a job in the White House.

Saudi Arabia has issued the first ten driver’s licenses to women. Although the program was stopped when all ten immediately complained about the picture.

British Prime Minister Theresa May told Donald Trump tariffs on aluminum and steel are “unjustified.” To which Trump says so is failure to condemn the alt-right, firing James Comey and collusion with the Russians so what’s her point?

An assistant to Scott Pruitt says she had to check on the availability of buying a used mattress from a Trump hotel. Which can only be hoped it wasn’t one used by Trump with Stormy Daniels.

Chris Christie says it is “outrageous” to claim that Donald trump cannot obstruct justice. That’s almost like saying a governor can’t close bridges for political payback.

Most Americans say that smoking pot and drinking alcohol is morally OK. Of course, these are the same people who make a role model of Kim Kardashian, buy Chris Brown’s music and elected Donald Trump.

Most Americans say that smoking pot and drinking alcohol is morally OK. Meaning they are just a few years from giving the go-ahead to opioids, heroin and meth.

A congressional candidate in Virginia says he may be a pedophile. No one had any idea that Anthony Weiner had even relocated.

Apple is launching Facetime group chats with up to 32 people. The question being how long will it take before at least one of them gets naked?

A report says the Titanic wreck was discovered during a top secret Navy mission. Interestingly enough, the mission was to look for Jimmy Hoffa.

A new book says it is possible for people to have two different sets of DNA. To which Bill Clinton says “Some people have all the luck!”

Facebook is protesting against the New York Times’ privacy breach claims. To which Donald Trump is also protesting against the Times, saying they breach his privacy every time he gets into bed with a porn star.

A report says Catholic schools are better than public schools at teaching self-control to young children. Now if we could only get the same values in our President.

A report says Catholic schools are better than public schools at teaching self-control to young children. Now all they need to do is work on all the priests that have access to those young children.

A report says Catholic schools are better than public schools at teaching self-control to young children. It’s amazing what an occasional ruler across the knuckles can accomplish.

A study says seven hours of sleep a night is ideal for heart health. Mostly because it means you aren’t having to work three jobs all day just to make ends meet.

A study says Memphis is among the most obese U.S. cities. To which Birmingham, Alabama and Jackson, Mississippi are saying they’re still just not trying hard enough.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I trust you all had a good weekend. Mostly because it was a weekend so how bad can it be? Since I am now among the (temporarily) unemployed, I will have a bit more time to work on the jokes. Just what everyone needs. Since I have the quantity part down pretty well, I think it’s time to start working on the quality. Nah. That’s too hard. I’ll just keep it as is. Because I’m good as long as all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



1 comment:

benson said...

Meant to send you a note yesterday. Sorry about what happened to you. Happening everywhere, in all industries and professions. Reminds of the Johnny Fever speech about bringing in someone 30 years old for half the money. That's everywhere now. Very sad.

Hang in there and thanks for the humor. Always appreciated.