Sunday, June 03, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


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Kim Jong-un wants the U.S. to pay his hotel bill for the upcoming summit with Donald Trump. Not only that, he wants to make sure he is prepared for whatever happens by sleeping the night before in a Holiday Inn Express.

Kim Jong-un wants the U.S. to pay his hotel bill for the upcoming summit with Donald Trump. Mostly because it’s not cheap to rent the ruthless strong-armed dictator suite.

ABC is considering a follow-up to “Roseanne” without Roseanne Barr. The rumor is her character will be found in an irreversible coma after an OD on Ambien.

Canadian farmers have been asked to stop manuring their fields during the upcoming G7 economic summit. Mostly because there will be enough of that around anytime top government leaders get together.

A report says Joel Osteen’s church has a $90 Million annual budget. Which is no surprise considering $89.5 Million that is for the salary and benefits of Joel Osteen.

A report says Joel Osteen’s church has a $90 Million annual budget. To which Osteen says “See? Prayer really does work!”

A report says Joel Osteen’s church has a $90 Million annual budget. To which Jim Bakker says it is still a lot more lucrative in dealing directly with the Devil.

Health experts say intense exercise routines can be potentially life threatening. To which most Americans are saying finally something they don’t have to worry about.

Talks are reportedly underway for a summit between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. Otherwise known as the 2020 election strategy.

U.S. officials say signs of sophisticated cellphone spying have been found near the White House. Mostly so Donald Trump’s staff can be prepared in advance for what is coming out in the next round of tweets.

Pope Francis I will convene with big oil and investors to talk about climate change. To which the oil executives and investors are saying can’t the Pope just say a little prayer and make it all go away?

Pope Francis I will convene with big oil and investors to talk about climate change. To which oil executives and investors ask why everyone doesn’t deal with warmer weather and buy a villa on the Mediterranean?

Pope Francis I will convene with big oil and investors to talk about climate change. Oil executives say like the Pope they wanted their own pipeline to God but it turned out to just be filled with a lot of leaks and spills.

An investigation says Chicago public schools failed to protect hundreds of students from sex abuse. To which the school districts are saying they wanted to make the kids have the same experience as the students in the exclusive Parochial schools.

An investigation says Chicago public schools failed to protect hundreds of students from sex abuse. To which school officials are just relieved they aren’t being criticized for the poor education they are providing.

The volcano eruption has put a dent in Hawaii’s tourism. It’s so bad, officials are asking if they can divert attention by issuing another fake missile attack warning.

The volcano eruption has put a dent in Hawaii’s tourism. Although some travel agencies are trying to take advantage of it by offering specials on the new vacation hot spot.

Ethiopian ministers have approved a draft law to lift the country’s state of emergency. To which officials are saying “Which emergency are we talking about?”

Denmark is considering banning circumcising boys. This after the country already banned burqas and niqabs. The country just has to make a decision whether they are in favor of wearing hoods or not.

Florida GOP Representative Gus Bilirakis is holding his first ever women’s summit where the topics include weight loss and gardening. If that’s not enough, it will be followed up with discussions on rearin' young-uns, ironin’ and washin’ sheets.

Florida GOP Representative Gus Bilirakis is holding his first ever women’s summit where the topics include weight loss and gardening. As opposed to the men’s summit which focuses more on beer drinkin’ and gun shootin’.

A tourist couple was stabbed to death inside the Circus Circus Hotel in Las Vegas. The place has become a real zoo zoo.

A tourist couple was stabbed to death inside the Circus Circus Hotel in Las Vegas. That is one city where you have to be real careful who you say “hit me!” to.

Warren Buffett’s lunch auction had a winning bid of $3.3 Million. If you have $3.3 Million to spend on lunch, do you really need any advice from Warren Buffett?

Warren Buffett’s lunch auction had a winning bid of $3.3 Million. Even worse is the $660,000 mandatory 20% tip.

Warren Buffett’s lunch auction had a winning bid of $3.3 Million. Buffett’s first words of advice will be never spend $3.3 Million on lunch.

South Korea’s defense minister says the world shouldn’t question Kim Jong-un’s motives. Mostly because it’s not like he actually has a chance of succeeding at anything.

Japan’s defense minister says despite the summit with Donald Trump, sanctions and surveillance should be kept on North Korea as it has reneged on past agreements. To which American Indians are saying “At least the U.S. would never do that.”

Jerry Brown says if Donald Trump is left to his own devices, he will cause serious damage that will cost lives. Especially if the device in question is the cellphone he uses to sent out his tweets.

A report says the divorce rate of people 50 and older has doubled since the 1990s. Mostly because after 2008 people aren’t afraid of losing half of nothing.

Justin Trudeau says Donald Trump’s tariffs are “insulting and unacceptable.” Is that a surprise? Has he not ever read any of Donald Trump’s tweets before?

U.S. unemployment has dropped to levels not seen since 1969. Which coincidentally, most of those jobs are also paying the 1969 going wage rate of $2.10 an hour.

Tesla is downplaying reports of the severity of fires in their paint shop. Before that the only Tesla paint that ever burned was on the cars that erupted into flames the moment the car hit something.

A report says pot now rivals alcohol as a risk factor in driver deaths. Mostly because stoned drivers are going so slow it gives the drunks a much easier target to hit.

The Trump Administration has torpedoed a plan by the U.N. to call for taxing sugary drinks. Mostly because Donald Trump knows he will completely lose his base the minute he makes them pay a tax on their Mountain Dew.

A report says fatal accidents involving drugs have surpassed alcohol related crashes. Which means soon there will be a new group called “Mothers Against Stoners.”

A study says fast walkers are less likely to die early than slow walkers. Mostly because moving at a fast clip reduces the chances of being mowed down in the crosswalk by a texting driver.

A report says too much bad news can make people sick. Which is why all those TV news channels always follow the International report with the medical segment.

A report says too much bad news can make people sick. Well, there is some news right there that isn’t going to make anyone feel any better.

Anderson Cooper says he never planned to live past 50. But then, no one thought CNN would still be on the air past 2003.

Kanye West confirmed on his new album he is bipolar. Now all he has to do is work on his God Complex, paranoia, histrionic personality disorder, Narcissism…

A new documentary looks at why Indian Americans dominate spelling bees. Which should be no surprise with people coming from a country where everyone’s name has an average of 63 letters.

The Nigerian World Cup team sold out their shirts in three minutes online. Mostly because they came with an offer that buyers qualify for a $100 Million reward when the Nigerian prince’s cousin is released from prison.

The Detroit rally goose was set free after a stay at a veterinary hospital from crashing into a video screen. Apparently it just forgot to duck.

The Detroit rally goose was set free after a stay at a veterinary hospital from crashing into a video screen. At first it was feared the goose was hit by a fowl ball.

The Detroit rally goose was set free after a stay at a veterinary hospital from crashing into a video screen. Apparently it forgot to honk.

The Detroit rally goose was set free after a stay at a veterinary hospital from crashing into a video screen. The goose knew it should have just stayed south for the winter.

Johnny Manziel made his CFL debut saying he is “here for a reason, here to play ball.” To which Cleveland Browns fans are asking why he couldn’t figure that out in his two years there?

Cleveland Browns coach Hue Jackson jumped into Lake Erie as promised after an 0-16 season. Which he should be given credit for as most people living in Cleveland with a winless team jumping into Lake Erie wouldn’t have come back up.

Aaron Rodgers was given an honorary doctorate from the Medical College of Wisconsin. Which he always wanted to be a doctor so people would stop calling him “Mr. Rodgers.”

The number of hits in Major League Baseball topped strikeouts in May, reversing a trend in April. Which means it is just a good thing Ryan Howard is no longer playing.

Donald Trump says he is “very surprised” of reports about China’s “intimidation and coercion” in the South China Sea. Mostly because he thought of that strategy first.

Donald Trump has named Donald Fears as his homeland security and counterterrorism adviser. Which brought fear that Fears will just stoke more fear.

Scott Pruitt reportedly spent $1,560 on twelve customized fountain pens. Which are the kinds of fountains that get their water right from the swamp.

 Scott Pruitt reportedly spent $1,560 on twelve customized fountain pens. Even worse, he will sign his next round of documents using pencils made from giant sequoia trees.

Donald Trump ripped the Russia investigation as a “hoax” that has cost taxpayers $17 Million. Which most people don’t mind because for any projects coming out of Washington, D.C., $17 Million is a bargain.

Half of all Americans say U.S. moral values are poor. The other half say that moral values may be poor, but their biggest concern is their financial status is dead broke.

Half of all Americans say U.S. moral values are poor. The other half have obviously never spent any time on Twitter.

Visa says their service has “close to normal” after a system failure in Europe. It was so bad, they were actually only charging customers 12% interest on their accounts instead of the usual 18%.

A 1913 U.S. Liberty Head Nickel could be auctioned off for as much as $5 Million. That makes it the most overpriced piece of currency since the Bitcoin.

New “third arm” technology could five soldiers a valuable extra hand on the battlefield. Which would be very valuable for French soldiers who could have both their arms in the air in surrender while still being able to wave the white flag.

A new nuclear battery could last up to 100 years without recharging. Or three days powering a teenager’s cellphone.

A new nuclear battery could last up to 100 years without recharging. The only problem would be if they were installed in Tesla cars and instead of their cars catching on fire in accidents there would be a mushroom cloud.

Scientists say civilization on Earth will be killed off in one of three ways. What’s worse is that two of them depend on whether Donald Trump is reelected in 2020.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, I have some personal bad news. After 38 years in broadcasting, the last 13 with my station here in Charleston, WV I was unceremoniously fired. But then, what kind of ceremony would you have in that situation anyway?  One thing I will continue to do is write the jokes and hopefully keep the laughs coming. As far as my personal situation, I am still under contract to the company for another couple of months so they are at least paying me for that. In the meantime, I hope you all keep logging in and it never fails to give me hope when you remember to always keep on sending the love!



2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sorry about your firing. I have seen it happen many times and believe in keeping good employees regardless of age. I guess the only way to avoid this is to own the station. I wish you success with plan B (or C) Hopefully you have some good investments and (annuities) lined up to keep the money coming for the remainder of your time on earth. Even though we disagree politically, I hope you bounce back with another job. The economy is good and the jobs are out there, so your chances are good.

Jim Barach said...

Hi, thanks for the kind words. Fortunately, I am in pretty good shape and have a couple of offers already in the works. What bothers me most is the way it was done. I was a pretty good employee and they never recognized it and treated me like dirt on the way out. Oh, well...that's show biz!