Friday, June 29, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A study finds that big data studies are largely inaccurate. That is if anyone can believe the study.

A study says the Milky Way galaxy is full of grease-like molecules. Which means it contains almost as much fat as a Milky Way candy bar.

Donald Trump says he hates elites, people with more money, nicer boats and better houses than everyone else. Since when did he become such a self-loather?

Donald Trump says he hates elites, people with more money, nicer boats and better houses than everyone else. Mostly because he feels no one should have more money, a nicer boat and a better house than him.

Donald Trump says he hates elites, people with more money, nicer boats and better houses than everyone else. Although if everyone had all those, wouldn’t that be making America great?

U.S. corporate debt is up to a record $6.3 Trillion. At least Donald Trump has kept his promise to run the country like a business.

Queen Elizabeth II pulled out of an appearance, claiming she was “under the weather.” Which isn’t good because being worse than the weather in the UK is talking some serious illness.

The CDC says just 23% of U.S. adults get enough exercise. Which is good for them as the other 77% are the ones keeping them in business.

The CDC says just 23% of U.S. adults get enough exercise. Mostly because getting in 10,000 steps every day doesn’t count if it is just from the couch to the refrigerator and back.

A study says humans only visit 25 places regularly. Which is bad news for men when their wives find out the other 24 are the houses of their girlfriends.

A study says humans only visit 25 places regularly. Which works out for most men to home, 12 bars and 12 restaurants.

A study says humans only visit 25 places regularly. The bad part is when the 25 places are the offices for unemployment, welfare, Social Security, Disability…

A passenger died on a plane that had to land in Portugal because of the horrible smell from the flesh eating disease he contracted. Which at least didn’t smell as bad compared to being in Portugal.

A passenger died on a plane that had to land in Portugal because of the horrible smell from the flesh eating disease he contracted. The worst part was when other passengers caught a whiff of the smell and said “Are we getting an inflight meal?”

A Russian rock star died on a plane that had to land in Portugal because the horrible smell from the flesh eating disease he contracted caused others to vomit. Which is called going out like a true rock star.

Amazon will start selling prescriptions online. Mostly medications for people who are sick from shopping on Amazon all day and never getting up from the couch.

Pedestrian fatalities are reportedly up 46% since 2009. Mostly from more people having to walk from not being able to afford a car since the 2007 economic crash.

Pedestrian fatalities are reportedly up 46% since 2009. To which motorists in L.A. are saying “What are pedestrians?”

Chinese authorities are capping the salaries of celebrities, blaming the entertainment industry for “encouraging money worship” and “distorting social values.” To which Donald Trump says it worked here on “The Apprentice.”

Chinese authorities are capping the salaries of celebrities, blaming the entertainment industry for “encouraging money worship” and “distorting social values.” Which pretty much is the entire reason for wanting to be a celebrity.

A German man is suspected of murdering 21 coworkers by putting poison in their food. If he wanted to do that and get away with it, why not just get a job at Chipotle?

A German man is suspected of murdering 21 coworkers by putting poison in their food. Although wouldn’t you start thinking something was wrong by about the time the tenth person you are working with dies on the job?

Visa and MasterCard are said to be close on a swipe-fee settlement. Meaning they will continue to come up with more fees they will be swiping from their customers.

The Sumo Association in Japan canceled a recruiting fitness test because there were no applicants. Although it was the only time that “Sumo” and “fitness” will ever be spoken in the same sentence.

Australia has banned covert foreign interference in politics. Or as we call that in the U.S., Election Day.

Chase is rolling out an all-mobile bank to appeal to Millennials called “Finn.” Mostly because a “fin” is about all most Millennials have to put into a bank account.

Chase is rolling out an all-mobile bank to appeal to Millennials called “Finn.” If you were worried about Millennials causing crashes while texting, think how bad it will be when they are driving and taking out a second mortgage.

Miami will open a private car racing track for a $350,000 membership fee. It’s for locals who drive I-95 and have never gone faster than 23 miles an hour.

Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott is warning that the staff can be held responsible for any offensive on-air comments. People were surprised. When did they decide to start acting like a news channel?

A strategist for Bank of America says he has “never been this bullish on the U.S. economy.” Except back in 2007 right before they crashed it the last time.

Security researchers say a massive data leak from Exactis could affect nearly all U.S. adults. Which doesn’t concern many people who feel if they haven’t been hacked into yet by all those other breaches, it probably isn’t going to happen.

Security researchers say a massive data leak from Exactis could affect nearly all U.S. adults. Mostly because being warned about security breaches has taken on the same alarm status as waiting an hour after eating to go swimming.

Wal-Mart has unveiled virtual reality shopping experience that allows shoppers to see what furniture looks like inside a home. Or they could just take a look at the Wal-Mart lobby.

Wal-Mart has unveiled virtual reality shopping experience that allows shoppers to see what furniture looks like inside a home. Which is easier than taking a trip down to the nearest Goodwill store display window.

The new IRS Chief is pledging to work for all payers. Mostly being those in the middle class and poorer who don’t make enough money to avoid paying taxes.

An Australian mom claims she is going blind from using 20 year old eye makeup. In a related story, a man was attacked by women after spraying himself with an antique bottle of Hai Karate.

A report says a Kentucky outbreak of Hepatitis A is the worst in the country. Celebrities are hoping it doesn’t make it to California where they are trying to limit infections to the much more fashionable Hepatitis C.

A report says obesity and physical activity are up in the U.S. Especially for people whose physical activity is limited to opening and closing the refrigerator door.

A report says obesity and physical activity are up in the U.S. Mostly because it doesn’t count for the obese whose only physical activity is walking to McDonald’s.

A study says young people who binge drink may face heart trouble later in life. Which is just more bad news for kids who are planning to go to college.

Researchers say smartphones may one day help detect spoiled food. Mostly when a phone app is used to pay for an order from Taco Bell.

A memorial to slain rapper XXXTentacion was held at a Florida hockey arena. And what better location than a hockey arena to make a statement against violence?

“Adrift” star Shailene Woodley says she maintained a 350 calorie a day diet during filming. To which several supermodels commented “What a glutton!”

Former Ball State football player Wendell Brown has been sentenced to four years in a Chinese prison after a bar fight. It could have been worse. He could have been sentenced to working two years in an Apple factory.

Former Ball State football player Wendell Brown has been sentenced to four years in a Chinese prison after a bar fight. He should have enrolled at UCLA where committing a crime in China ends up with a free plane flight home.

Atlanta will bring human rights murals to the city in advance of the 2019 Super Bowl. Although dollars to donuts says one of those murals will not be of Colin Kaepernick taking a knee.

The Texas Longhorns and A&M Aggies top the list of NCAA Division I public schools’ sports revenue with more than $210 Million each. Which works out to an intake for each athletic diploma awarded to around $210 Million apiece.

Outgoing Carolina Panthers owner Jerry Richardson was fined $2.75 Million for workplace misconduct. He should have been charged with obscenity for getting someone to buy the team for $2.2 Billion.

Hope Solo says soccer in the U.S. has become a “rich, white-kid sport.” Although fortunately there is still plenty of room for them in the more traditional activities of yachting, polo and golf.

Hope Solo says soccer in the U.S. has become a “rich, white-kid sport.” Which happened the day the parking lots at youth soccer games went from being filled with low-riders to Range Rovers.

Police serving an immigration warrant at a New Jersey home found three children left alone. Which means they were already practicing being separated.

Feds have charged 600 people in an opioid fraud scheme that bilked $2 Billion from the government and insurers. To which the pharmaceutical companies all said “Hey, we thought of it first!”

Despite the Trump Administration downplaying climate change, the U.S. Navy says it is taking it seriously. Mostly because if it weren’t for the oil causing global warming, half of all the wars wouldn’t have been started in the first place.

The House has passed a $675 Billion defense-spending bill. Mostly because they know you can’t expect to start three wars on a shoestring budget.

A warning has gone out for the video game “Doki Doki Literature Club” about its suicide theme. It’s the video game that always says “No replay.”

A warning has gone out for the video game “Doki Doki Literature Club” about its suicide theme. Wouldn’t you know there would have to be a catch to the one video game that actually has “literature” in the title?

The USDA says 2.3 Million Americans live in a “food desert” with access to affordable, healthy food is restricted or nonexistent. Meaning the people who live within a short drive to McDonald’s.

The USDA says 2.3 Million Americans live in a “food desert” with access to affordable, healthy food is restricted or nonexistent. Which means the people who live in a food desert because the only thing they will eat is dessert.

California is on the verge of passing a sweeping Internet privacy bill. Which means people can relax knowing that no one can spy on them while they are posting everything they do all day on Facebook.

A top executive at Huawei says U.S. lawmakers are “closed minded and ill informed.” Which just means they are doing a great job in representing their constituents.

Workers at the Hawaiian agency that sent the fake missile attack alert earlier this year were said to be seen sleeping on the job. Which is good news because as long as they are snoozing no one has to be worried about any more false alarms.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, as I am sure you are probably aware of by now. I finished this up early so I can go play golf today, one of the first times I have played in years. I used to be pretty good. Although that is coming from someone who thinks these jokes are kind of funny. Hopefully I won’t embarrass myself, although that has never stopped me from anything before. I will just try to keep the ball in play and keep my score down. As opposed to when I try to get a high score, which happens when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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