Thursday, June 28, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A passenger on a United Airlines flight from Houston to Boston died inflight. To which the other passengers were saying “Some people have all the luck.”

A passenger on a United Airlines flight from Houston to Boston died inflight. The worst part was when flight attendants rifled through his wallet to take enough money to cover the airlines’ body bag fee.

A study says the perfect women’s body for women is athletic, while men prefer curvy. In other words, women like a healthy look, and men are still all about boobs.

Authorities swarmed a JetBlue plane at JFK after there was a false alarm about a hijacking. Apparently suspicions were raised when the plane tried to take off after waiting on the tarmac less than three hours.

A survey says 42% of Americans think a civil war is likely in the next five years. The country is the most divided since the disagreement over “Less filling-Tastes great!”

The House is considering an amnesty bill that would cover 2.2 Million. Although instead of immigrants, the amnesty would be from prosecution for everyone in the Trump Administration.

A shortage of industrial CO2 in England means the possibility of running out of the gas that puts the fizz into soft drinks and beer. Which is bad news for pub goers who will miss the three bubbles in a tankard of warm ale.

A shortage of industrial CO2 in England means the possibility of running out of the gas that puts the fizz into soft drinks and beer. Which will affect people who buy sodas with no CO2 to cool them from the global warming caused by too much CO2.

A New York man shot his wife thinking she was “possessed.” Not only that, he was afraid he might lose her for good if she was repossessed.

A New York man shot his wife thinking she was “possessed.” It turns out he was just too possessive.

A report says fewer Americans are spending their last days in hospitals, instead dying at home. Mostly so they at least have a few dollars left over to leave their kids.

A report says fewer Americans are spending their last days in hospitals, instead dying at home. Or as those people are otherwise known as, “the uninsured.”

A report says fewer Americans are spending their last days in hospitals, instead dying at home. Why pay money when you can end up with the same results for free?

French President Macron wants to bring back national service for teens. It would include time in the military where they would mostly learn to march backwards.

Joe Jackson, patriarch of the musical Jackson Family has died at age 89. Not to say he was physically abusive with his kids, but Michael Jackson’s tribute to his dad’s parenting style was “Beat It.”

A 6 year old in Atlanta raised $13,000 for separated migrant families with a lemonade stand. The only problem is there was only $6.50 left over after Donald Trump’s new tariff on citrus fruits.

Police in Delaware found a mobile home left in the middle of a road. Which apparently is why they are called “mobile.”

Police in Delaware found a mobile home left in the middle of a road. Which is not unusual considering all the people just doing what they can to get out of Delaware.

Former Fox News executive Bill Shine is set to take on a senior communications role in the White House. In other words, he is accepting a lateral promotion.

A man found dead in a beer cooler inside Atlanta’s baseball stadium has been identified. Before they knew who it was, everyone just called him “Bud.”

A man was found dead this week in a beer cooler inside Atlanta’s baseball stadium. The body will reportedly be sent to Denver to be buried at Coors Field.

European Council President Donald Tusk says the EU must “prepare for the worst” with Donald Trump’s policies. To which most Americans are saying “We’re way ahead of you.”

European Council President Donald Tusk says the EU must “prepare for the worst” with Donald Trump’s policies. To which those disagreeing are saying Tusk is just living in an ivory tower.

Ford says new technology could prevent “phantom” traffic jams. Mostly the technology of the robots who will take all the human jobs so they don’t have to ever drive to work.

A Japanese lawmaker was slammed for calling childless couples “selfish.” Just because they get some peace and quiet, disposable income, no college tuition bills…

Oklahoma voters have approved the medical use of pot. Mostly because they know legalizing marijuana is the only way they will ever have a chance at keeping the Oklahoma City Thunder NBA team in town.

A survey says battleground state voters prefer Congress as a check on Donald Trump. Mostly to make up for them being the ones who elected Trump President.

48 political candidates in Mexico have been killed ahead of Sunday’s election. So Mexico’s elections feature dead people running for office, as opposed to Chicago’s where the dead people are the ones doing all the voting.

A report says the top ten types of trash washing up on beaches are all plastic. Which means manufacturers need to make plastics heavier so they can sink like the other garbage that stays out of the sight of beachgoers.

A “Hello Kitty” themed bullet train will debut in Japan this week. Which is great news for any 7 year old girls who are busy putting together their travel itinerary.

A “Hello Kitty” themed bullet train will debut in Japan this week. Which is perfect for 10 year old boys who can use the train’s speed to capture every single Pokemon Go character in just one trip.

A survey says half the nation’s LGBTQ have not come “out” to coworkers. The other half don’t need to as they are either hairstylists, waitpersons or flight attendants.

The feds will investigate recent fires in Hyundais and Kias. Mostly at the request of Tesla who says the other companies are stealing their technology.

Harley-Davidson is considering moving most of its production to Europe because of recent tariffs. Trying to prevent Hogs from being made outside the U.S. is the one time Congress is in favor of cutting back on pork.

CVS will soon deliver prescriptions to customers’ homes. That way, people can get their drugs without ever moving from in front of their computer screen, which is why they probably need their prescription medications in the first place.

Israeli airline El Al says it will remove passengers who refuse to sit next to women. Which is the opposite problem in the U.S. with drunk male passengers requesting they be seated next to women they can spend the entire flight hitting on.

A survey says most millionaires don’t plan to spend their tax cut savings. Mostly because millionaires don’t pay any income tax in the first place.

A study says being fit in middle age may prevent depression and heart problems. Especially when the heart problems come from being depressed about not being fit.

New Hampshire has been ranked best for children’s well being. Mostly because it promotes education and good health as the best way to get out of New Hampshire.

The Detroit Tigers have fired pitching coach Chris Bozio for making insensitive remarks to a team employee. Which is otherwise known as being a being a coach.

The Detroit Tigers have fired pitching coach Chris Bozio for making insensitive remarks to a team employee. Who does he think he is, a fan?

The Detroit Tigers have fired pitching coach Chris Bozio for making insensitive remarks to a team employee. Management says they will not put up with clownish behavior like that with their new motto “There is no ‘I’ in Bozo.”

An analysis says the Cowboys have the most loyal fans in the NFL, ahead of both the Patriots and Eagles. Although it’s tough to beat Cleveland still pulling in 64,000 fans a week while going 0-16.

The father of pro golfer Maverick McNealy is selling his home in Palo Alto for $100 Million. His son is the golfer who shows up with the golf cart driven by a chauffeur.

The father of pro golfer Maverick McNealy is selling his home in Palo Alto for $100 Million. Apparently paying for all those golf lessons for his son left them with only enough money to live in one of the poorer neighborhoods in Silicon Valley.

The father of pro golfer Maverick McNealy is selling his home in Palo Alto for $100 Million. Mostly so he can have enough money for his other sons who picked the sports of yachting, polo and helicopter skiing.

Puerto Rico is introducing a bill seeking statehood by 2021. Which is being endorsed by Mississippi and Alabama who are saying “We’ll no longer be last in everything!”

Mike Pence is pledging support to Venezuelans until democracy returns. To which most Americans are saying “What about us?”

28 year old Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who won an upset primary victory in a New York congressional race is seeking “generational change.” Which in Congress between a 28 year old and most incumbents covers three or four generations.

A majority of Americans think the Supreme Court nomination process is too partisan. What’s even worse is that the polling showed them in a 5-4 split.

A report says sparklers are the leading cause of fireworks-related injuries. Especially when someone throws a lit sparkler into a box of Roman candles.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced his retirement. Donald Trump is already looking at candidates he wants to wear the robe. This time just without the hood.

Researchers say the Atlantic Ocean is growing faster than anyone thought. Which is good news as it will make for even more room for us to throw our plastic trash.

Researchers say the Atlantic Ocean is growing faster than anyone thought. And you thought Carnival cruise ships had trouble with getting lost before.

A study says employees in digital workplaces are more productive, positive and fulfilled in their jobs. Mostly because those are the only businesses still making a profit and paying more than minimum wage.

A new robot nags workers to keep good posture at their desks. Because who doesn’t want the feeling that they are bringing their mom to the office every day?

Apple and Samsung have ended their patent fight after seven years. Mostly because every tech patent they were fighting over became obsolete five years ago.

Ticketmaster admits personal data of customers was stolen in a security breach. The only information hackers got was the customers are willing to pay overinflated prices for bad seats.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! We are almost done with the first half of 2018. And surprisingly to most people, we are still here. How did that happen? Well, we still have another six months to go and anything can happen. Although if the Dodgers win the World Series, I would be OK with that as a good note to go out on. In the meantime, it is never a bad thing to end the day with all of you always remembering to keep on sending the love!



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