Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


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A Montana woman forced her ex-boyfriend to have sex with her at machete-point. The only other way to coerce a man into having sex is by just asking.

Iowa congressman Steve King says Americans are headed towards another civil war. The good news is that at least this would be one war we wouldn’t be fighting half-way around the world.

Donald Trump threatened Harley-Davidson that if they move productions overseas they “will be taxed like never before.” But a move to Europe would only be fitting to make motorcycles with the idling sound “potato-potato” to be made in Ireland.

A New Jersey town is changing its streets design to make it safer for people who are walking and texting. Mostly to protect them from those who are driving and texting.

The first digital supermodel has been created, named Shudu. Although she appears to be very real and it turns out eats almost as much as a real supermodel.

Kids in an Indiana IKEA fired a gun they found in a store couch cushion. Which after the news broke, IKEA’s business tripled in Nevada, Texas and Florida.

Kids in an Indiana IKEA fired a gun they found in a store couch cushion. Wouldn’t you know the gun would be the one thing in the store that actually came assembled.

A Texas ice pick killer says he wants to be executed by firing squad or gas. To which prison officials are saying why not use CO2 rifles and give him both?

A Canadian polygamist has been sentenced to home confinement. He would have been sent to prison but with 24 wives and 149 children, prosecutors felt putting him in a cell by himself would have been letting him off the hook.

Leaking bourbon at a Kentucky distillery accidentally killed hundreds of fish. Reports say the fish were all drunk to the gills.

Twitter is ramping up a fight against abuse and malicious bots. They feel the whole idea of Twitter is to have abusive and malicious posts only from real people.

The CBO says the federal debt could reach $100 Trillion by 2048. Although that seems unlikely as even Congress would have to start working overtime to spend that much money.

The CBO says the federal debt could reach $100 Trillion by 2048. One of the casualties of that could be Budget Director Mick Mulvaney coming down with a permanent case of writer’s cramp from signing all those IOUs.

The CBO says the federal debt could equal the size of the U.S. economy by 2028. The good news is they would cancel each other out and everything would just be even.

The U.S. is pushing foreign nations to cut oil imports from Iran to zero by November. Which Iran is good with as that would finally take away the only reason anyone else has to invade them.

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte is in trouble for calling God “stupid.” Which upset Donald Trump who said “Now you’re getting personal.”

Nicole Richie says Nancy Kerrigan’s skating outfits inspired her love of design. The only problem is that all her creations are hammered out with a tire iron.

A California mansion that is mostly underground will be auctioned with an expected winning bid of $40 Million. The problem is that the home was built above ground but turned out to be sitting on an earthquake sinkhole.

A survey says 17% of French workers say it is likely their jobs will disappear in five years because of technology. Although it seems like it would be difficult to design robots that could sew berets, bake baguettes and stomp on grapes.

A study says an artificial pancreas can better control blood sugars in hospital patients. The only complication is when they develop artificial diabetes.

India has been ranked as the most dangerous country in which to be a woman. No one even knew that Harvey Weinstein had packed up and moved there.

Jerry Seinfeld spoke about Roseanne saying she’s the first person he saw ruin their career with one button push. To which people around the world are just praying that Donald Trump doesn’t become the second.

Jerry Seinfeld spoke about Roseanne saying she’s the first person he saw ruin their career with one button push. Other than Jared Fogle sitting at his computer.

Jerry Seinfeld spoke about Roseanne saying she’s the first person he saw ruin their career with one button push. Although Alec Baldwin is still around after he keeps pushing everyone’s button.

“The Nanny” star Fran Drescher says PTSD made her skinny. To which women all over the world immediately signed up with the military asking for combat duty.

“The Nanny” star Fran Drescher says PTSD made her skinny. To which most women are saying it sounds a lot better than dieting.

“The Nanny” star Fran Drescher says PTSD made her skinny. Which she got from reading critics’ reviews of “The Nanny.”

Sean Spicer reportedly has a TV show in the works. The bad part is the early tapings show he can’t even get through the guest introductions before starting an argument.

Sean Spicer reportedly has a TV show in the works. Although people are skeptical as before the show has even aired Spicer says it has the largest audience in history.

The latest class of Academy Award voters is nearly half women. If Harvey Weinstein thought his odds of winning an Oscar were tough before…

Tiger Woods is reportedly experimenting with a new putter. Although the club that still keeps him from sleeping at night is a standard women’s 9 iron.

Argentine soccer great Diego Maradona was taken to a hospital for a health issue at the World Cup. He had also just flipped off several fans at the game, showing the “Hand of God” has turned into the “hands of a New York City cabdriver.”

Steph Curry says he would like to be a drummer in a band someday. For a player famous for shooting three pointers, his inspiration is no doubt Green Day’s Tre Cool.

Steph Curry says he would like to be a drummer in a band someday. With three NBA Championships, it’s obvious his favorite percussionist is Ringo.

Jerry Rice says he could still play in the NFL at age 55. To which people are saying please don’t give Brett Favre any more ideas.

Jerry Rice says he could still play in the NFL at age 55. At least as long as the team he is on plays Cleveland every week.

CBS has hired former NFL referee Gene Steratore as a rules analyst. Which will explain a lot when a former official says he has no idea why any calls are made.

Phil Mickelson says he hopes at some point “we will all be able to laugh” at his hitting a moving ball at the U.S. Open. Apparently he doesn’t realize how many people have been laughing at him ever since.

Phil Mickelson says he hopes at some point “we will all be able to laugh” at his hitting a moving ball at the U.S. Open. Fans are just glad to know that he finds it funny he broke a rule while making a 10.

Bryson DeCambeau is being investigated for using a geometric compass on the golf course. To which everyone under 40 is asking “what’s a geometric compass?”

Bryson DeCambeau is being investigated for using a geometric compass on the golf course. What’s worse is that Phil Mickelson is now using a slide rule to figure out how far off the green his U.S. Open putts will travel.

John Daly ramped up his criticism of the USGA over being denied using a cart in the Senior U.S. Open. Not only that, he is upset he wasn’t given the twilight rate on his tee time so he doesn’t have to wake up so early.

2010 Wimbledon runner-up Tomas Berdych is out of the tournament with a bad back. Anyone who likes to keep a nice lawn knows how easy it is to get a sore back doing yard work.

Andy Murray says he is not ready to commit to Wimbledon yet. To which most women are saying there we go again with a man who is just unable to commit.

Donald Trump is warning the left about harassment of his staffers. He wants everyone to know that is his job.

A report says only 16% of federal law enforcement investigators are women. Which is not bad as that is also exactly the same number of agents who have every actually solved a case.

Sarah Sanders will receive temporary Secret Service protection after being kicked out of a Red Hen restaurant. It was the first time someone named Sanders was kicked out of a restaurant named for a chicken who wasn’t a colonel.

Prosecutors will get 4 Million files from Michael Cohen as part of their investigation of the Trump Administration. The only question being who in the world actually has 4 Million files on anything?

Prosecutors will get 4 Million files from Michael Cohen as part of their investigation of the Trump Administration. The embarrassing part is that 3.9 Million of the files are naked pictures of Stormy Daniels.

Scientists have updated the coldest temperature ever recorded on Earth. It was the 148 degree below zero reading in the White House master bedroom when Melania first found out about Stormy Daniels.

Scientists have updated the coldest temperature ever recorded on Earth. It no doubt had to do with the measurement of the icicles on Melania’s fingers every time Donald Trump tries to hold her hand.

A UK election watchdog says political ads on social media must be transparent. Which only makes sense since everyone can already see through all the politicians.

Wimbledon Artificial Intelligence is using players’ emotions to edit match highlights. Which if John McEnroe were still playing, the only clips would feature his encounters with the chair umpires.

The U.S. Military is aiming for a $1 Billion defense Radar system for Hawaii. Which seems unnecessary ever since they reassigned the worker who put out the false missile attack alert.

Fisher Space Pens are celebrating 50 years of space travel, being used on every U.S. manned space mission. The most common note written with the pens turns out to be “Can we get something else to drink besides Tang?”

The U.S. Army will use Artificial Intelligence to determine which vehicles are most likely to break down. Which pretty much consists of tracking which ones display the Chrysler logo.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, after a shaky start, the Dodgers are only a couple of games out of first place. Thank goodness for being placed in an incredibly weak division. It’s been a tough year for the Dodgers but hopefully they will be back in top form after the All-Star break for the second half of the season. It will be a nice rest as the way they are playing, are there even any Dodgers on the All-Star squad? Win or lose, I am always loyal to my team. Just like I appreciate your loyalty when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!




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