Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


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The University of Michigan says it has made the world’s smallest computer that is less than the size of a grain of rice. The hard part is trying to type anything in on the little keyboard that comes with it.

The Venezuelan Army has taken over the country’s water trade, requiring people to pay for all their water. Which draws no sympathy from the people in Flint, Michigan who say “Hey, we still have to pay for what they give us.”

A powerful signal for a coming recession has gotten Wall Street’s attention. Mostly so they can be sure to take their money out of the market before they crash it again.

Stray dogs from Chernobyl are finding a new life in the U.S. Mostly with people who like to take a walk at night without a flashlight by using a dog that glows in the dark.

Stray dogs from Chernobyl are finding a new life in the U.S. You can tell which of those dogs are from the region as they all go by the name “Nukey.”

For the first time, a majority of Americans approve Donald Trump’s handling of the economy. You know the economy is good when people are comfortable enough to start spending themselves to the brink of bankruptcy.

A Stormy Daniels meeting with prosecutors about Michael Cohen was canceled due to media attention. Which means Daniels’ calendar just got pretty much wiped clean over the next three years.

A Stormy Daniels meeting with prosecutors about Michael Cohen was canceled due to media attention. The question being what happens with this administration that doesn’t have the complete attention of the media?

Senator Claire McCaskill was saved by Senator Joe Manchin using the Heimlich Maneuver after she choked on some food. It was the biggest choking episode by Democrats since Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign.

Senator Claire McCaskill broke a rib when Senator Joe Manchin saved her from choking with the Heimlich Maneuver. Now Rand Paul is afraid to get on his riding mower anywhere around the Capitol Building.

A report says sea sponges may hold the key to fighting killer infections. Until now the only sponges associated with healthcare were just the insurance companies.

A study says polluted air can cloud people’s morality, leading to unethical behavior. Which means Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers will no doubt come up with a “Hollywood proximity to L.A. air quality defense” to try to get him off the hook.

A study says polluted air can cloud people’s morality, leading to unethical behavior. Especially in places like China where the air quality is so bad, it’s tough to see who is actually committing any crimes.

A 7-Eleven ad has irked Norway, calling it the “Land of Chlamydia.” Which is interesting coming from 7-Eleven where hot dogs make it the land of Hepatitis A.

Roseanne gave an interview where she said she has made herself a “hate magnet.” Which is hard to do, considering she isn’t even running for office.

The U.S. has been importing a record level of seafood. Not because of any health fads but from the legalization of pot and people craving anchovies on all their pizza.

French butchers are warning of violence and intimidation by vegan campaigners who want to enforce their lifestyle on others. Who do they think they are, a religion?

French butchers are warning of violence and intimidation by vegan campaigners who want to enforce their lifestyle on others. The question being how scary can a group of people be who fortify themselves with nothing but alfalfa sprouts?

Hundreds of people blocked L.A. area streets to watch cars do burnouts in intersections. How boring has it gotten in a town where everyone either drives a Prius, Fiat or Kia?

Police fired tear gas during protests in Greece over the name change of Macedonia. Which after the tear gas meant there was even another name change to Mace-Donia.

A report says coca production in Colombia is at a record high. Which if nothing else shows the Hollywood studios are doing better than ever.

NOAA has dropped its pledge to address climate change, instead putting an emphasis on protecting lives and property. Which are both most at risk from the results of climate change.

A survey says 7 out of 10 Americans have postponed an important money decision. Mostly by waiting until they actually have some.

A survey says 7 out of 10 Americans have postponed an important money decision. As opposed to the other decisions they rush into like waiting to get married, have kids or move to another state.

A report says 23% of Americans have no emergency savings at all. The other 77% say every dime they spend seems to be about some kind of emergency.

A new service called “Papa” connects college students to seniors and older adults who need transportation or home help. Which is nice for seniors with grandchildren who for once can have younger people around who aren’t just asking for money.

A survey says Americans are conserving water like never before. Mostly because who needs water when the refrigerator is full of soda, beer and energy drinks?

A study says “pregnancy brain” is a real thing, with 64% of expectant moms say they struggle to find the right words to say. Which they have no problem with during labor when they easily remember to keep screaming “You did this to me!”

A study says “pregnancy brain” is a real thing, with 64% of expectant moms say they struggle to find the right words to say. The other 36% wait until after the baby is born to completely lose their mental capacity.

A study says fewer than 3% of young people get the recommended 9 hours of sleep a night. Mostly because the other 97% haven’t gotten to bed before 3:00 am since the day they got their iPhone, iPad and iPod.

A drink made of melatonin reportedly helps people fall asleep. Especially when it is taken before watching C-SPAN for about three minutes.

A drink made of melatonin reportedly helps people fall asleep. Especially for the people who use it to wash down their daily prescription of opioids before bedtime.

Heather Locklear was arrested after attacking a first responder for the second time in four months. Police should know they should only send out the SWAT team to someone who was married to Tommy Lee for seven years.

“Jurassic World” topped the weekend box office with $150 Million. That’s a lot of bones.

Carmelo Anthony opted to take his $28.7 Million option for next season with the Oklahoma City Thunder, telling haters to “enjoy life.” Which is pretty easy to say for someone who just picked up a paycheck for $28.7 Million.

John Daly blasted the USGA for not allowing him to use a cart for the Senior U.S. Open. There just isn’t room in his golf bag for a whole 12 pack of Budweiser.

Pitcher Edwin Jackson will play for a record-tying 13th Major League team. His pitching record is 98-120 with a 4.67 ERA. Which means if he had stayed with the Marlins his whole career he would already be in their Hall of Fame.

The Royals are considering drafting Oregon State pitcher Luke Heimlich. Mostly because at 23-54, it’s the one team where there is no opportunity to choke. (Two Heimlich choking jokes in the same blog…that ties a record!)

Major League Baseball spending on international free agents has dropped 25% this year. Mostly ever since Cuba reopened and teams don’t have to pay to smuggle in their relievers.

The Dodgers hit seven home runs in a game where they scored eight times. At least they have gotten over their problem of leaving runners on base by not having any to start with.

The PGA Tour is looking into Bryson DeChambeau’s using a compass in a tournament. Was he using it to figure his yardage or which course he was on?

The PGA Tour is looking into Bryson DeChambeau’s using a compass in a tournament. Apparently he is trying to take the game in a new direction.

The PGA Tour is looking into Bryson DeChambeau’s using a compass in a tournament. Apparently his caddie told him to “Go west, young man.”

The PGA Tour is looking into Bryson DeChambeau’s using a compass in a tournament. It’s tough enough to try to figure out the yardage when you need directions to find the hole.

The official overseeing complaints of parents separated from children at the border reportedly left their last job because of stress. Which makes everyone ask what in the world thought they would last in the Trump Administration?

A report says Scott Pruitt tried to recruit oil executives for EPA positions. Like they would be willing to take a 3,000% pay cut to do government work.

Russell Crowe is set to play Roger Ailes in a Showtime series. Although it sounds more like they should have hired an actor with more experience playing an emperor than a gladiator.

Russell Crowe is set to play Roger Ailes in a Showtime series. It’s nice to see they are not typecasting as Ailes was never known to throw a phone at anyone.

T-Mobile has launched an app to monitor kids’ Internet use. Which means parents will go over their data limit just trying to track their children’s 24/7 online use.

A Facebook app will track the time people spend on the social media site. Apparently it sends an alarm when users have exceeded their allotted Facebook time of 16 hours a day.

Adobe says it can detect manipulated photos using Artificial Intelligence. Mostly just by seeing if any of the images feature Kim Kardashian.

Scientists say a supervolcano is forming under Massachusetts, Vermont and New Hampshire. To which residents are saying if it helps melt off any of the winter snow, it’s good with them.

A study says humans may be alone in the universe. Which is a good thing because look what we have done when just being given the Earth to look after.

A study says humans may be alone in the universe. Which may be good because with Donald Trump in charge, there may not be enough room for another species.

A report says “iPad neck” may be a real thing. Especially for men who are always spinning their heads around 360 degrees to make sure their wife doesn’t see what they are looking at.

Elon Musk says Tesla’s Autopilot comes with a “Mad Max” mode. Which means when their cars crash and catch on fire, they are saying “We meant to do that.”

A report says the UK version of the IRS analyzed and stored the voices of 5 Million taxpayers. Which no one has any idea yet what they can possibly do with the sound of all those people screaming.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Not a great day for jokes today, but my motto is if you write enough, there has to be something in there that is funny. Not as funny as a guy sitting in front of a computer all day thinking he is being productive while cranking out jokes. I am just glad you are all still logging in every day. It gives me a great sense of pleasure to know there are that many people who are actually that bored and looking for something to do. But seriously, the best part is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!




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