Sunday, June 24, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A Canadian company is selling water packaged with a hot dog inside for $38 a bottle. Even the people in Flint, Michigan are saying that doesn’t sound too safe to drink.

A Canadian company is selling water packaged with a hot dog inside for $38 a bottle. The interesting part is figuring out how a nickel bottle, ten cent wienie and penny’s worth of water adds up to charging 38 bucks.

Tom Arnold says he is teaming with Michael Cohen to “take Trump down.” It could happen. Look what Arnold did for Roseanne.

Tom Arnold says he is teaming with Michael Cohen to “take Trump down,” saying pictures of Arnold and Cohen will “haunt his dreams.” Having a dream with Tom Arnold and anyone would be enough to keep most people up at night.

A report says the generation of Americans entering old age is the least prepared in decades. The good news is that for most older Americans, being obese with heart disease and diabetes means they won’t have to worry about being a senior for long.

A report says the generation of Americans entering old age is the least prepared in decades. What’s to prepare for? They need to just assume they will be working at McDonald’s or Wal-Mart until they can retire at 93.

A neuroscientist says many diseases may be caused by negative thoughts. Especially for the people who are afraid they will become sick and their treatment won’t be covered by their health insurance.

A report says disturbing news that upsets and distracts workers costs companies millions of dollars. Except the news that tells the workers they are being laid off that saves the businesses millions of dollars from not paying their salaries.

33 children reportedly got sick at a summer camp in Florida. Apparently their systems just weren’t used to the idea of being forced to be outside in the sunshine with fresh and and getting exercise.

A French priest was forced to retire after slapping a baby crying during baptism. Which may really confuse the child who was slapped at one end by the doctor when it was born and at the other end by the priest during its christening.

Bill Gates donated money to a project to create mosquitoes that kill each other with sex. To which the mosquitoes are saying it beats being on the wrong end of a flyswatter.

Bill Gates donated money to a project to create mosquitoes that kill each other with sex. To which all the geeks working for him at Microsoft are saying they wish they could someday have the same opportunity.

Experts are saying plus-size models are fueling the obesity epidemic. In fact, some of the models are reportedly eating as much as three meals a month.

Experts are saying plus-size models are fueling the obesity epidemic. Apparently they are concerned some of the models have expanded all the way to size 2.

Experts are saying plus-size models are fueling the obesity epidemic. It’s not like having all those skinny supermodels for years made Americans any thinner.

A Mexican presidential candidate is calling for people to make a mass migration and leave their towns to “find life in the U.S.” To which the three people he was speaking to said “They’re way ahead of you on that one, boss.”

A jogger who accidentally crossed the Canadian border into the U.S. was detained for two weeks. Apparently border agents knew she wasn’t American because she was actually out getting some exercise.

A jogger who accidentally crossed the Canadian border into the U.S. was detained for two weeks. Mostly so border agents could actually document they were able to catch someone who was running.

Two women who wore religious garb to rob banks have been sentenced to prison. The banks were not all that upset about the robberies because it turns out the women were taking less money than if they were asking them to tithe.

An armed bank robber in Ohio was caught after giving the teller his real ID. The man’s name was David Menser, but after that no one is ever going to confuse him with being affiliated with Mensa.

An armed bank robber in Ohio was caught after giving the teller his real ID. Although what was even dumber was when the teller talked him into opening a savings account with no interest, high ATM fees and a subprime mortgage.

A UN poverty monitor says the U.S. failing to promote human rights is like “the kid who takes his football and goes home.” Not only that, but before they go they make everyone stand up for the National Anthem.

Two men were arrested for arranging sham marriages between U.S. citizens and illegal immigrants for green cards. Their defense is that if it weren’t for them, the White House wouldn’t have a First Lady.

Donald Trump says North Korea is still an “extraordinary threat” to the U.S. Which is no surprise other than the fact that means Trump is admitting his meeting with Kim Jong-un was a failure.

A Kentucky bourbon warehouse collapsed, spilling 9,000 barrels of whiskey. Investigators say the proof they need to show it was an accident is pretty much all the 86 proof on the ground.

A survey says 86% of girls play video games, compared with 97% of boys. Which shows the gender gap is really closing quickly, especially when it comes to being lazy and unproductive.

Texas will start construction on a 100,000 square foot arena for video gamers. Which is no surprise in a state famous for mega churches and football stadiums to come up with a concept which is pretty much a combination of the two.

Delta has banned pit bulls used as service or support animals. Mostly because they were being used by claustrophobics on planes to clear an area five rows around them.

Delta has banned pit bulls used as service or support animals. Although people really only like to have pit bulls with them when the fly United to deal with any potential seat reassignments.

Donald Trump has declared oil prices too high, blaming OPEC. Which is ironic as it is the one thing he hasn’t slapped a tariff on.

Donald Trump has declared oil prices too high, blaming OPEC. The thing OPEC has to worry about is when the price gets high enough to make it more cost effective for the U.S. to just declare another war.

A report says nearly 400 people used California’s assisted suicide law last year. Which is sad as the Clippers just don’t have that many more fans they can lose.

Humana is gearing up to become the nation’s largest provider of hospice care. Mostly so they can cash in on taking care of the people who end up in hospice because their Humana health insurance won’t cover their treatments.

A dying New Jersey man got his last wish for a final trip to his favorite casino. Which is ironic as he is dying from injuries he sustained from not paying off his gambling debts.

A dying New Jersey man got his last wish for a final trip to his favorite casino. The sad part was when he won ten straight hands at blackjack and said “How much luckier can a guy get?”

A study says pot is still the drug of choice for older adults. Apparently some old habits are just hard to weed out.

“Dear White People” has been renewed on Netflix. Which ironically is also how all meetings were started out by the top spokesman who just got fired for making racial slurs.

A former cheerleader for the Houston Texans says she was duct taped for being “skinny-fat.” After which she performed her new cheer, “Give me an L- give me an A-give me a W- give me an S-U-I-T!”

A former cheerleader for the Houston Texans says she was duct taped for being “skinny-fat.” Apparently skinny-fat is when the bones are visibly covered by actual amounts of flesh.

The NFL has lost its fourth referee to retirement this year. Now they can watch the entire season on DVR so they can review every play even when they are at home.

Tom Brady posted video of himself singing along at a U2 concert. Wouldn’t you know even his singing is flat?

Researchers say babies listening to music inside the womb prefer songs by Queen and the Village People. Who says sexual orientation is not decided before birth?

J.R. Smith’s jersey from his mistake in Game 1 of the NBA Finals sold for $23,000. The sad part is that Smith wanted to buy the jersey back but dropped out of the bidding early mistakenly thinking he made the highest offer.

63 year old Greg Norman posed nude for the upcoming Sports Illustrated Body Issue. They had to use a retired golfer because active pros won’t strip because without their clothes they can’t display all their sponsors.

James Comey told an Irish audience he was “embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted and horrified” over U.S. immigration policies. To which the crowd said “We’re still waiting for an apology over that whole NINA thing.”

Barack Obama is set to visit Kenya for the first time since leaving office. Which the GOP is still trying to prove it will be the first time back since his birth.

A study says Washington, D.C. has the highest concentration of psychopaths in the U.S. The good news is that is only for the three months out of the year that Congress is actually in session.

A study says Washington, D.C. has the highest concentration of psychopaths in the U.S. To which the people there are saying “I Really Don’t Care. Do U?”

The government’s top ethics office says some of Donald Trump’s business dealings “raise serious concerns.” Although not as much as his policies on the economy, immigration, jobs, the environment…

Staten Island Republicans will have to make the choice if a felon should serve in the House as Michael Grimm is running for his old seat. To which most voters are saying that’s pretty much a chicken or the egg thing.

A women’s prison in Pennsylvania is giving on the job training to inmates by making 15,000 pairs of eyeglasses a year. And who better to make those glasses than workers who all claim they were framed?

A women’s prison in Pennsylvania is giving on the job training to inmates by making 15,000 pairs of eyeglasses a year. Although critics say giving those jobs to prisoners shows the criminal justice officials are being myopic.

Donald Trump’s zero tolerance border policy is sparking outrage in other countries. Mostly because it’s the same as his zero tolerance policy on trade, nuclear weapons, terrorism, the Middle East…

A handheld gadget maker claims their product can tell if food is spoiled. Apparently it’s for people who just never actually learned how to smell.

A handheld gadget maker claims their product can tell if food is spoiled. Although an easier way is just to see if the bag it comes in says “Taco Bell.”

James Gips, who extended computer use to the disabled has died at age 72. Which ironically most of those people became disabled from sitting in front of a computer screen for 18 hours a day.

Researchers say they may have discovered Leonardo da Vinci’s earliest works. Although it turns out they might not be all that valuable as they are his really early works consisting of finger paintings, macaroni sculptures and paper mache.

Scientists say they have validated Einstein’s theory of relativity on a distant galaxy. Which they proceeded to explain in a way that pretty much means we will all just have to take their word for it.

 The Arizona Uber crash driver was reportedly watching TV on her cellphone when the car ran over a pedestrian. Which means at least she was already done with her other tasks of texting, posting on Facebook, taking selfies…

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am using this space today to brag on my daughter. Not only is she a very smart and caring person, she will also kick your ass if you need it. Over the weekend she was promoted to Black Belt in Iaido, the art of the Japanese sword. That goes along with her 2nd Degree Black Belt in Taekwondo, so if she can’t take you down with kicks and punches, she will slice you to bits. It’s a good thing she is also very nice and tries to avoid conflict. Just sayin’ though…better watch your step around her. You don’t have to be careful around me. All it takes to make me happy is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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