Thursday, June 21, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Immigration activists disrupted DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen’s dinner at a Mexican restaurant in Washington, D.C. The ironic part is that she was seated in a different section from her family.

Oklahoma Senator James Lankford says Russian trolls are exploiting the family separation story to sow discord among Americans. Which apparently they don’t really have to as the Trump Administration is way ahead of them.

A report says disability benefits applications have plunged in the strengthening economy. Which works out great for company executives who can take down the handicapped parking signs and use the spaces for themselves.

A report says 95% of U.S. manufacturers are bullish on the future. Especially the ones who see that closing the borders leaves plenty of workers in other countries where they can outsource all the jobs.

A study says Millennials are moving out of their parents’ basements. Mostly because they know if they stick around too long, they could end up as caregivers.

A report says Americans are still not saving money despite the good economy. Which most won’t be ready to do that until they are able to pick up that fourth job.

A report says Americans are still not saving money despite the good economy. Mostly because they are still getting used to actually having money to spend for the first time since 2007.

Trent Reznor says the more connected we are, the worse we are as a society. Especially as it is so hard to write tweets when you have nine inch nails.

A study says mosquitos remember people who swat at them. Although sometimes the last thing going through their mind is some person’s hand.

Pope Francis I says he supports bishops’ calling separating children and parents “immoral.” As opposed to all the priests who spent years separating altar boys from their robes.

A study says severe obesity rates are surging in rural America. Mostly because rents are so high in cities people there can’t afford to gain weight when renting by the square foot.

Police fired rubber bullets and tear gas to disperse the crowd at a memorial for rapper XXXTentacion. Which fans said was like one of his concerts all over again.

A Rhode Island man reportedly bit off a piece of his husband’s nose during an argument. Apparently the reason he did it was to actually spite his face.

A Rhode Island man reportedly bit off a piece of his husband’s nose during an argument. Who was that marriage counselor, Mike Tyson?

Seattle will ban all plastic straws as of July 1st. Which will be inconvenient for the three people in the city who actually use a straw to drink their coffee.

A group of lawyers is suing the government for access to immigrants held “incommunicado.” Which is a legal term meaning “no chance at billable hours.”

A group of lawyers is suing the government for access to immigrants held “incommunicado.” Which is the legal term used by Fonzie to say “Zip it.”

West Virginia Supreme Court Justice Allen Loughry has been indicted on fraud. He is the author of a 2006 book chronicling political corruption, which means he literally wrote the book on graft.

West Virginia Supreme Court Justice Allen Loughry has been indicted on fraud. He is the author of a 2006 book chronicling political corruption, which is ironic as that will be the book some other judge will be throwing at him.

Several airlines are asking the government not to use their flights to carry immigrant children who have been separated from their parents. Mostly because those kids are pretty much exempt from all extra airline fees.

Several airlines are asking the government not to use their flights to carry immigrant children who have been separated from their parents. So far they have agreed not to use United, as that falls under cruel and unusual punishment.

Several airlines are asking the government not to use their flights to carry immigrant children who have been separated from their parents. Apparently the airlines draw the line at separating people from their luggage.

The former campaign manager for John McCain is leaving the GOP over family separation, saying they have become “corrupt, indecent and immoral.” What do they think they are, some kind of organization of politicians?

A group of private schools in Washington, D.C. is ending the Advanced Placement program, in favor of “a curriculum of collaborative, interdisciplinary and experiential learning.” Mostly because students don’t need AP courses if they have any idea what those other words mean.

Donald Trump has signed an executive order ending the separating of children from their parents at the border. Now if he can do the really impossible by ending the separation of the Republicans and Democrats.

Tesla is suing a former employee for hacking their system to steal trade secrets. Although they say he can keep the part about what’s causing their cars to catch fire.

WikiLeaks publisher Julian Assange was reportedly visited by a Russia-linked lobbyist nine times. The ironic part is he is going crazy trying to find out who leaked the story.

Peace talks have sparked a real estate boom in the Korean demilitarized zone. Although real estate agents there say they prefer not to use the term “boom.”

Peace talks have sparked a real estate boom in the Korean demilitarized zone. Mostly because people were shocked to find out there is any part of Korea that is actually demilitarized.

A British special ops warfighter reportedly rushed into an Afghan cave, killing terrorists with a claw hammer. That is when it looks like the British have gone just a bit too far with banning guns.

The UAE will send their first astronauts to the International Space Station next year. Which shows how the people in the Sahara Desert will even go 200 miles into space to get away from the summer heat.

Donald Trump’s executive order to end the separation of families misspelled “separate.” Which shows that Trump actually wrote the order himself using Twitter.

The founder of JetBlue has gotten funding for a new low-cost U.S. airline. Apparently it will limit additional inflight fees to no more than $300 per passenger.

Steve Mnuchin says the new IRS 1040 tax form will be “postcard sized.” It’s the post card that ironically sends you on vacation to the nearest federal prison for tax fraud.

“America’s Got Talent” says the show will feature several immigrants this week. When asked what their talent is, they said “We managed to make it into the U.S.!”

Cupertino’s proposed “Apple Tax” on employees has been put off for a year. Which means the only Apple penalty levied will still be on people paying twice the value of any of their products.

A Harvard surgeon has been appointed to lead an Amazon venture to reduce corporate health care costs. And who better to do any cutting than someone who has spent his whole career holding a scalpel?

A Harvard surgeon has been appointed to lead an Amazon venture to reduce corporate health care costs. Mostly by implementing the Amazon health policy of “You look fine, now get back to work!”

A study says smartphone-obsessed parents may be making their kids crabby. Which makes it even worse when they tell their children “How do YOU like it?”

A study says smartphone-obsessed parents may be making their kids crabby. The problem is that they are on their phones all day just trying to get their kids to answer a simple text message.

An 8 year old girl with a 3D printed hand threw out the first pitch at her 15th Major League Baseball park, halfway to her goal of all 30. The sad part is she has had more mound time than any of the starters on the Kansas City Royals.

A study shows why obese people have trouble losing weight. It may have something to do with everything just tasting so good!

A study says one in three women having breast augmentation have had complications. The other two have also had complications, mostly finding time for all the men who keep asking them out on dates.

Elle MacPherson was slammed for suggesting meal replacement shakes as a “summer body” tip. Which for a supermodel like her means replacing nearly all of the three meals she actually eats in a year.

Starbucks is offering half priced Frappuccinos today. That’s great for customers who can now get one without the usual hassle of taking out a second mortgage.

The Lakers have warned their staff about tampering before free agency begins. Meaning just let the media be the ones to declare LeBron James is joining the team.

A hot dog shot out of a cannon by the Phillie Phanatic injured a fan. Which was still less harmful than if they had actually caught and eaten it.

Mexican soccer star Chicharito is urging fans to not use homophobic chats at games. Which is no surprise for someone who goes by Chicharito.

Justin Thomas says he is excited over the Travelers Championship, calling it an “underrated” event. Although when did anyone consider a tournament paying the winner $1.26 Million underrated?

A meme of Senegal’s coach at the World Cup has gone viral. Which Senegal is just happy for once having something viral that isn’t Ebola.

Phil Mickelson apologized for hitting a moving ball at the U.S. Open, saying it wasn’t his finest moment. Although it still wasn’t as embarrassing as his three inch vertical leap after winning his first Masters.

Cubs closer Brandon Morrow injured his back taking off his pants at home. Which is different from the usual injuries to athletes from taking off their pants in someone else’s home.

The Colts Adam Vinatieri says at 45 he is not looking to retire soon. To which even Tom Brady is saying some people just don’t know when to let go.

Cardinals pitcher Michael Wacha suffered a strain on his left oblique. Which is interesting as “Wacha!” was exactly the noise he made when he pulled it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Today is the first day of summer, with the new season starting at 6:07 this morning. It is the longest day of the year, which a friend of mine used to dispute saying “They’re all 24 hours!” Pah-dump. I hope you are enjoying the start of the hot months, which I will never complain about. After living in Syracuse for five years, if I ever see another snowflake it will be too soon. I will never say anything bad about the heat. Other than the cost of my gas bill during the winter. Because I always have to have something to complain about. As you can tell from reading these jokes. Of course, another thing I will never complain about is when you all remember to always keep on sending the love!



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