Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


Paul Manafort has been placed in solitary confinement in a Virginia jail. His private cell is being called a Man-a-fort.

Paul Manafort has been placed in solitary confinement in a Virginia jail, for fear of an attack by an inmate looking for “street cred.” What street cred do you get from going after someone being charged with being a money laundering foreign agent?

A Mississippi man beat his neighbor over a lawn mowing job. No one even knew Rand Paul’s neighbor had moved out of Tennessee.

CVS says it will start delivering personal prescriptions. It’s for people who can’t hold off starting to take their opioids while they are driving home from the drug store.

Scientists say moderate drinking teaches heart cells to toughen up. Mostly after a few drinks when the other heart cells start saying “What are you looking at?”

A report alleges a San Francisco based wellness company offers classes in “orgasmic meditation” That’s where people having sex think about anything besides baseball.

Starbucks is closing 150 stores across the country. Mostly in the locations where they actually have a Starbucks located inside another Starbucks.

The Trump Administration reportedly promised Apple there would be no tariffs on iPhones. Mostly because customers already pay an extra 300% with the Apple Tax.

The movie “Gotti” is claiming bad reviews online are not real and are just “trolls behind keyboards.” Their evidence is that there have been more than 7,000 reviews so far and there is no way 7,000 people are ever going to see this movie.

The TSA tells travelers to be prepared to unpack items at the airport during the busy summer season. Especially modest women who prefer to put on some lingerie when they are being photographed in the naked body scanners.

A man delayed a Qatar Airways flight when he started begging other passengers for money. To which all the airlines are saying “Hey, we thought of that first!”

A Broadway musical about Michael Jackson is in the works. In order to work towards diversity, producers may actually cast a black man in the role.

A Broadway musical about Michael Jackson is in the works. It’s the one where it’s not over until the skinny white androgynous person sings.

An IBM computer debated humans in competition and won. Mostly because people have forgotten how to communicate in ways that don’t include a cellphone and texting, sending emojis or posting on Facebook.

An IBM computer debated humans in competition and won. Mostly because the subject of debate was “10011010001011.”

The rate of American cigarette smokers is at its lowest level ever at 13.9%. Mostly because people figure why smoke tobacco when you can now use weed legally while getting high at the same time?

Two Ohio firefighters are accused of making porn movies inside their fire station. If they wanted to make porn movies, they should have gotten jobs as pizza deliverers, pool boys or plumbers.

Two Ohio firefighters are accused of making porn movies inside their fire station. The movie’s title was reportedly “Hooker and Ladder Company.”

The Faroe Islands reportedly want to break from Denmark, with people there saying it’s enough to be occupied for 600 years. If you can’t break free from Denmark after six centuries, you are not going to be able to get away from anyone.

The Trump Administration has OK’d a plan to allow cheaper, skimpy health care plans. Those are the ones where doctors pretty much offer recommendations for a good funeral home.

The Trump Administration has OK’d a plan to allow cheaper, skimpy health care plans. Meaning policies that charge a basic fee to let you to pay cash for everything.

Police in Virginia stopped traffic so a snake could cross the road. Apparently the reptile was doing it to get to the other side.

Police in Virginia stopped traffic so a snake could cross the road. The police assisted the reptile because it was legally inside the crosssssssss walk. (Boo!)

Police in Virginia stopped traffic so a snake could cross the road. The police intervened because the “slither-don’t slither” sign wasn’t working.

An Army commander is warning against the U.S. leaving Afghanistan too soon. Apparently pulling out after only 17 years there feels a bit rushed.

1 in 4 Muslim women say they have been pushed on a New York City subway platform while wearing a hijab. As opposed to the other three who are like everyone else and just get groped, flashed and propositioned.

An Australian man was arrested for running Thai sex cruises through Facebook. Or as Thai sex cruises are otherwise known, any trip to Thailand.

Boeing has landed a $6.6 Billion deal making planes for FedEx. The only question is how are they going to be delivered?

Boeing has landed a $6.6 Billion deal making planes for FedEx. They got the contract because they promised them absolutely and positively.

GE was kicked off the Dow after 111 years to be replaced with Walgreens. Apparently the nation’s economy relies less on the sale of refrigerators than opioids.

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein says the policy of separating families at the border is “horrible” and “tragic.” This from the same company that had no problem separating U.S. families when they helped create the mortgage crisis in 2007.

 The former Senate staffer charged with lying to the FBI is seeking a gag order on Donald Trump. Is he kidding? He must be the only person in the country who has never read any of Trump’s tweets.

Italy’s Osteria Francescana has been picked the best restaurant in the world. The only rule is eateries trying to get on the ballot are automatically disqualified if their menu features the word “Chalupa.”

A study says married people are less likely to die from heart disease. Mostly so they don’t give their spouse the satisfaction of burying them first.

A study says trauma or stress may increase the odds of developing an autoimmune disease. The worst part is when the trauma and stress comes from trying to pay the doctor bills after developing an autoimmune disease.

Psychologists are warning of the dangers of separating kids from their parents. Unless their parents are Kris Jenner, Woody Allen or Alec Baldwin.

A study says a single blood test could diagnose diabetes. Especially when the test shows a person’s blood has the viscosity and glucose levels of maple syrup.

Up and coming rapper Jimmy Wopo was shot and killed in Pittsburgh. Which means the cause of death being a 21 year old rapper is officially from old age.

Giants reliever Hunter Strickland broke his hand punching a door after a blown save. Since he forgot to open the door first he officially loses his status as a closer.

Giants reliever Hunter Strickland broke his hand punching a door after a blown save. After giving up three hits and two walks, the door was the only thing he was actually able to punch out.

A report says Baker Mayfield doesn’t “look ready” to compete. Which means he is a perfect fit on a team that doesn’t look ready to compete coming off a 0-16 season.

Tom Brady hinted at a retirement age of 45 with an Instagram post saying “Cuarenta y cinco.” Which means Chad Ochocinco could be planning comebacks until he’s 80.

A report says the beer supply is running low at the World Cup in Moscow. Which could mean the unthinkable of fans sitting through a four hour 0-0 tie while sober.

Congress will host a hearing on sports betting to “protect the integrity of sports.” Which is completely ironic coming from a group that wouldn’t exist without lobbyists, fundraisers and corporate donors.

Michael Cohen says legal expenses are bankrupting him and he wants Donald Trump to pay up. Although maybe Cohen needs to check his own billing system where his services include paying out $130,000 in hush money to porn stars.

Canada has voted to legalize recreational marijuana. Which could lead to a new slogan “We’re not just a place for draft dodgers to go anymore.”

Canada has voted to legalize recreational marijuana. Mostly for the people who want to live and visit Canada but just aren’t into log rolling, maple sugaring or ice fishing.

The GOP budget plan calls for cuts in Medicare and Social Security. Which is why Donald Trump is so intent on bringing jobs back so Americans will have somewhere to work until they can actually afford to retire at 93.

A congressional intern yelled “Mr. President, f*** you!” to Donald Trump inside the Capitol Building. To which Trump looked up and said “Monica?”

A new Facebook tool can “open” eyes that are closed in photos. Which not being coordinated enough to click a button while not blinking finally explains all those people who get killed taking selfies.

Uber is trying to entice drivers to buy hybrid or electric cars by offering a dollar more per trip. Which should take only a few centuries to pay off the $100,000 to buy that new Tesla for Uber drivers to take to work.

Elon Musk is launching an investigating of an employee he says sabotaged the company. Which could be serious trouble for anyone doing anywhere near as much damage to the company as Elon Musk.

Donald Trump is still trying to blame Democrats for his family separation policy. To which Democrats are saying the country would be a lot better off if it was Trump’s family that was separated.

A report says the youngest immigrants are being held in “tender age” shelters after being separated from their parents. Isn’t tender age shelters the same term that used to be used for veal crates?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the jokes. Hope you enjoy them and keep coming back for more. Because that is the one thing I can guarantee is more. Not better, not great but at least more. Feel free to tell your friends and family members to log on any time. And also be sure to tell them they are also welcome to always remember to keep on sending the love!



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