Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


The University of Alabama has offered a football scholarship to a 6’7”, 350 pound 14 year old 8th grader. Not because of his size, but because he is the only 8th grader in the state who is younger than 24.

Tom Brady explained what he learned from Deflategate. Which is pretty much that he can cheat and get caught but get a month’s vacation, get paid $20 Million and still go to the Super Bowl.

Twitter erupted into criticism of the USGA for making the third round of the U.S. Open too tough and the fourth round too easy. It’s just too bad there wasn’t a fifth round because under the Goldilocks Rule it would have been just right.

Prince Harry told Meghan Markle’s father to “give Donald Trump a chance.” It’s not like Trump was put in his position of power at birth for the rest of his life.

Satisfaction in the direction of the U.S. has reached a 12 year high of 38%. The other 62% are still asking exactly which direction is that?

Proposed mergers will make AT&T and Comcast the most indebted companies in the world. But only because Radio Shack is no longer in business.

Proposed mergers will make AT&T and Comcast the most indebted companies in the world. Who says companies can’t make it being run just like the government?

Proposed mergers will make AT&T and Comcast the most indebted companies in the world. To which anyone who has ever done business with AT&T or Comcast will tell you, it’s no surprise they weren’t the most indebted before.

The WHO says that gaming addiction is now a mental health disorder. The only question is when will they also recognize addiction to texting, binging Netflix, watching Youtube videos, social media…

The WHO says that gaming addiction is now a mental health disorder. The only good part is that as long as they are busy with a video game console they are not picking up a gun to shoot up a school.

Elon Musk told employees that Tesla needs “radical improvements” to hit quarterly targets. Although not radical enough to cut back on his $55 Billion pay package.

A New Zealand man is charged with stealing two toes from a dead body exhibition. His defense is “This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home.”

A company is programming its sex robots to say “no” if they aren’t in the mood. Which means buyers will have to woo them with romantic talk like “100110110.”

A company is programming its sex robots to say “no” if they aren’t in the mood. A machine turning you down for sex means you might as well be dating a Chrysler.

The celebration for a Mexico goal against Germany in the World Cup was measured on seismometers in Mexico City. Which was almost not noticed as it was nearly as strong as the other 357 earthquakes detected in Mexico City that day.

The celebration for a Mexico goal against Germany in the World Cup was measured on seismometers in Mexico City. The weird part is that it wasn’t caused by the stomping of feet as much as by the noise from 100,000 vuvuzelas.

Nigeria’s entire 200 Million population lost power as the nation’s grid collapsed. People were surprised at the news. 200 Million Nigerians have electricity?

Connecticut has been recognized as the most psychopathic state. To which the people of New Jersey are saying to researchers, “Up yours!”

Google is training Artificial Intelligence to predict when patients will die. Which is usually around three hours after their health insurance policy is cancelled.

Google is training Artificial Intelligence to predict when patients will die. Which is usually some time between the time they walk into the Emergency Room and the six days they have to wait to actually see a doctor.

Millennials are set to become the first generation in history to suffer worse health than their parents by middle age. That includes the early days of the country when middle age was considered 23.

Millennials are set to become the first generation in history to suffer worse health than their parents by middle age. Mostly because it’s hard to get exercise and eat healthy when spending 16 hours every day in your parents’ basement.

Eminem’s manager says the rapper is not using gunshot sound effects in his show. He explained them as “pyrotechnic concussions that create a loud boom.” Otherwise known as gunshots.

Eminem’s manager says the rapper is not using gunshot sound effects in his show. They are simply noises that assure his fans they are at a genuine rap concert.

A study says people’s egos get bigger after doing yoga. Especially the ones who can still walk after doing a half hour of side plank, Wounded Peacock and Baby Cobra.

A report says six New York City cab drivers have committed suicide in the past six months. How bad is it when even veteran cabbies can’t take the smell inside a taxi?

A New England bus company says an employee made a mistake when he said passengers have to be U.S. citizens to ride. Since when do U.S. citizens take the bus?

Donald Trump has ordered the military to establish a sixth branch of the armed forces, a “Space Force.” Apparently he got confused when he was told by his advisers that we need to stop all aliens from coming into the country.

A Virginia jail superintendent where Paul Manafort has been sent says he will get “no special privileges.” In other words, he will drop the soap at his own risk.

A study says 10% of all Millennials don’t tip when they eat out. Mostly because eating out generally means eating pizza in someone else’s parents’ basement.

A study says 10% of all Millennials don’t tip when they eat out. Mostly because they don’t have enough time to sit there and figure out how much is 20% of $18.

 A Massachusetts firefighter tied for Low Amateur at the U.S. Open. Which is ironic as it took six fire companies’ worth of hoses to pour enough water on the greens before the fourth round to make them slightly softer than concrete.

Hillary Clinton says separating families at the border is a “moral crisis.” And who knows more about moral crises than someone married to Bill Clinton for 43 years?

Amazon shareholders are telling Jeff Bezos to stop marking a facial recognition tool. Mostly the shareholders who don’t want to be recognized ever shopping at Amazon.

Michigan was hit by devastating floods over the weekend. Although the people there say no matter how high the water gets, it’s still not as bad as what is coming out of the taps in Flint.

A study says CEOs average 9.7 hours a day and 62.5 hours a week on the job. Mostly because it takes a while to get in a full round of golf, three martini lunch and jet to a conference in the Bahamas.

A report says Jay-Z and Beyonce turned infidelity into a lucrative venture with their new album. Although infidelity has always been lucrative, but usually just for the divorce lawyers.

The DOT says airline complaints have fallen with bag-handling and cancellations improving. Which is interesting as usually the only time bag-handling problems improve is when there are more flights cancelled.

A report says economic confidence has risen with lower income Americans. Which just means poor people are getting used to the idea of staying that way.

Rent-A-Center will sell itself to Vintage Capital. The payments will be set at $37 a week for 400,000 years.

A study says trust in social media has fallen. Mostly for the people who are starting to actually read the personal profiles of the people they know online.

A study says trust in social media has fallen. Especially for anyone who has read more than three tweets sent out by Donald Trump.

A study says teens who don’t get enough sleep at night are at risk for heart problems later. Especially the ones who aren’t sleeping because they are spending half the night standing in front of the refrigerator.

A report says one third of kids under 19 are taking some kind of dietary supplement. Mostly to offset some of the effects of eating nothing but salt, sugar and fat.

A study says people who lose their nest egg may suffer an early death. Especially when their wives find out they spent it all on booze, strip clubs and girlfriends.

New rules say tobacco companies must describe their products as “deadly” and “addictive.” The good news is the more deadly they are, the less time users will be addicted.

Researchers say there is a new way to treat hypochondria. Mostly by assuring them that if they think they have enough maladies, eventually they are going to be right.

The Mets say they will listen to offers for virtually everyone on their roster. The good news is the team that buys them will save a fortune on never having to worry about replacing broken bats or balls flying over the fence.

The Mets say they will listen to offers for virtually everyone on their roster. Which is good news for Citi Field for the extra money they will make during off days when they can turn the entire parking lot into a flea market.

The Minnesota Vikings won the Pete Rozelle award for excellence in dealing with the media. Ironically, the person winning the award for being worst in dealing with the media is the one in Rozelle’s old office.

The Minnesota Vikings won the Pete Rozelle award for excellence in dealing with the media. Although it should have gone to the Cleveland Browns for being able to still show their faces to the media after going 0-16.

Nate Robinson says the NBA caused his depression. Mostly from having a career that had him playing for the Nuggets, Knicks and Clippers.

The Saints have signed Patrick Robinson to a four year, $20 Million deal as nickel corner. Which over the length of the contract works out to 400 Million nickels.

A majority of U.S. doctors say they are against spanking. Mostly because parents should know it’s less likely to leave marks and get a confession with waterboarding.

A majority of U.S. doctors say they are against spanking. At least with children. Although it is still accepted as punishment for a very, very naughty nurse.

A report says Paulina Gretzky mistakenly thought her fiancée Dustin Johnson won the U.S. Open. At least until some other guy started holding up that Stanley Cup.

A report says logistical issues will be studied for the return of the U.S. Open to Shinnecock Hills in 2026. Mostly to try to get the course in the same shape as this year’s third round by stopping all watering of the greens now.

A judge struck down a Kansas law requiring proof of citizenship to vote, going so far as to order the author of the bill Kris Kobach to take additional legal courses. The good news is that pretty much qualifies him to be Donald Trump’s new lawyer.

Donald Trump has signed an order to reduce the amount of debris in space. EPA head Scott Pruitt will instead try to make sure the garbage ends up where it belongs. In the world’s oceans.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am getting ready to go get a colonoscopy. That is probably more than you wanted to hear about me today. It usually means one thing. I am getting old. Wouldn’t be the first time that has happened! Just want to let you know that I will be back as usual tomorrow, which might be worth a read to see how the jokes look when I am writing them while still a little loopy. It might be an improvement. Couldn’t hurt. One thing that never hurts, in fact it is just the opposite when all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!



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