Sunday, June 17, 2018

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! from the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!


A new strain of the bird flu in China has killed one third of those contracting it. There haven’t been this many deaths associated with birds since the start of KFC.

Donald Trump says Michael Cohen is no longer his lawyer. Which if Cohen decides to flip it will be more of a case of Trump saying he never heard of him before.

A “lawless” cruise ship travelling around the Mediterranean is reportedly rife with cocaine, drug-fueled orgies and people vomiting in the pools. In other words it is a cruise ship.

The skies were reportedly raining octopus, starfish and other sea creatures from the sky following a waterspout in China. People there say it was like watching a Sponge Bob marathon being interrupted by the Weather Channel.

Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo has accepted a two year suspended sentence and $20 Million fine for tax fraud. Which is just nice to see an athlete not in trouble for PEDs.

A report says devices with X-Ray vision will give soldiers the ability to see through walls. Which will of course be used to look into buildings and see what the women inside look like naked.

An Artificial Intelligence system can watch people perform tasks like preparing a meal and predict their next moves in advance. Which is usually eating the meal.

A report says a saliva swab test can predict workplace burnout and who is more likely to quit. Especially anyone whose test shows DNA matching that of Sarah Palin.

The Orioles Chris Davis is batting .151 with four home runs while being paid on a contract for $161 Million over seven years. The good news is that it pretty much proves he isn’t using steroids.

A report says Las Vegas homes are the most overvalued in the U.S. Mostly because if a house isn’t selling, the owners are willing to cut the cards for double or nothing.

A report says Las Vegas homes are the most overvalued in the U.S. Mostly because the owners up the price by including free shrimp cocktail with every sale.

A Vatican letter from Christopher Columbus that was stolen was found in Atlanta. Apparently it couldn’t found because in 1493 there were no return addresses available yet in the New World.

A report says wild animals are becoming nocturnal to avoid humans. Which is fine until the neighbor’s rooster decides everyone needs to get up at 3:00 AM.

Donald Trump’s tariffs are causing Canadians to boycott American goods and cancel U.S. vacations. Which is not a bad thing to not see fat Canadian men parade around South Beach in a pair of Speedos.

American Airlines canceled hundreds of flights last week because of a “technical issue.” When airlines do that, the technical issue is usually that they are United.

Catherine Zeta-Jones says she is “sick of being humble.” Spoken with true humility.

Catherine Zeta-Jones says she is “sick of being humble.” To which Donald Trump says “Hey, me too!”

A fan known as the Marlins Man was taken for $1.5 Million through embezzlement. Which didn’t bother him because it still wasn’t as big of a rip-off as buying season tickets for the Marlins since 1993.

Greek lawmakers rejected a no-confidence motion on the government. How bad is it when the government is questioning its confidence in the government?

California has reinstated doctor-assisted suicide. Which is ironic in that the biggest reason for wanting to commit suicide is going broke from too many medical bills.

A Texas hospital’s heart transplant program has resumed after a two-week suspension. Or as heart surgeons describe it, they just skipped a few beats.

Florida is being sued over a ban on early voting on college campuses. Not to say Florida has a lot of elderly residents, but many of the voters there don’t have the option of holding off their vote until election day.

Feds have indicted blood test lab Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes on fraud charges. Her lawyers say a conviction is as likely as getting blood from a turnip.

The King of Spain was given the key to the city during the 300th anniversary celebration of New Orleans. To which he said forget the key, he likes the results better that he gets from throwing those beads at women.

Harvard and UNC are being sued for racial discrimination. Which is confusing as the odds of anyone being rejected by UNC are the same as being accepted at Harvard.

 North Korea’s hacking reportedly failed to make it into the talking points at the recent summit. Mostly because it turns out the only computers North Koreans can hack are the ones with the password “12345.”

Canada is moving to make their national anthem gender neutral. The idea is to replace the masculine term “hosers” with the all-encompassing “Canucks.”

Pennsylvania is proposing public and private high schools play separately for their own state championships. Which isn’t really an issue as public schools win football and basketball while private schools win the spelling bee and geography bowl.

A Nike owned company has been told to change their logo that looks like the Naval Academy crest. No one even knew the military had the original idea for the swoosh.

Donald Trump is seeking separate talks with Canada and Mexico over NAFTA. First he is separating all the families at the border and now even at the negotiating table.

A psychologist in Memphis closed her office after being accused of spanking several patients with a whip and riding crop. It turns out that it wasn’t a treatment, just people who had fallen behind on their payments.

A psychologist in Memphis closed her office after being accused of spanking several patients with a whip and riding crop. The good news is she will reopen in Louisville next year in time for Derby Week.

A psychologist in Memphis closed her office after being accused of spanking several patients with a whip and riding crop. Her excuse was “if their parents had done this, I wouldn’t have to.”

Supermarket workers are clearing shelves of cereals potentially contaminated with salmonella. The worst part is the salmonella is still not as dangerous as all the sugar.

The NIH has ended a study of alcohol after reports of credibility issues with funding. The sad part was when researchers were told the study was given last call.

A report says 600 Million people in India are facing extreme water shortages. To which they are saying it’s still better than turning on the tap in Flint, Michigan.

A study says the human brain sends reward signals for foods both high in fat and carbs. To which obese people can at least now say “My brain made me do it!”

A study says the human brain sends reward signals for foods both high in fat and carbs. Which could be the reason supermodels are always such airheads.

A study says teenage girls who binge drink may be in for poorer bone health as adults. Not directly from the alcohol but from the effects of falling down all the time.

Honey Boo Boo’s mom June Shannon is blaming a 25 pound weight gain on poor vision. Apparently she swears she thought all those doughnuts were really apples.

Honey Boo Boo’s mom June Shannon is blaming a 25 pound weight gain on poor vision. Apparently the sign she thought said “weight loss clinic” was actually “McDonald’s.”

Jeff Sessions is being slammed for using the Bible to defend separating families at the border. What’s next, family court judges at custody hearings threatening to cut babies in half with a sword?

Fox’s broadcast of the U.S. Open inadvertently picked up explicit sex talk in the gallery. They had no idea the microphones would be put near two Carrows waitresses following Tiger Woods.

Fox’s broadcast of the U.S. Open inadvertently picked up explicit sex talk in the gallery. Apparently the person running audio confused it with the people standing behind the golfers who always yell out “It’s in the hole!”

A report says the NBA could end the “one and done” rule by 2021. As opposed to the “two and I’m through” and “still here in three, better work on getting a degree.”

Donald Trump says pro athletes haven’t contacted him for recommendations on presidential pardons. Mostly because they know it’s useless if they can’t even get him to work on getting Colin Kaepernick signed.

The Browns offensive coordinator says quarterback Baker Mayfield “has a long way to go.” Although for anyone playing in Cleveland it feels more like nowhere to go.

Major League baseball is hinting the designated hitter could be coming to the National League. Although it would take away the suspense and strategy of whether the manager should pull the seventh pitcher in the fifth inning for a pinch hitter.

A report says Kawhi Leonard wants out of San Antonio. Apparently he is tired of being 26 and referred to by all his teammates as “Sonny.”

Donald Trump says he wants people to “sit up at attention” for him like they do for Kim Jong-un. Apparently he just hasn’t figured out how to do that with the right mix of imprisonment, torture and executions.

Elon Musk says rocket thrusters may be used on specialized models of the Tesla roadster. That ought to eliminate those problems with their cars catching on fire.

Elon Musk says rocket thrusters may be used on specialized models of the Tesla roadster. The best part will be engaging Autopilot in the mode of going from L.A. to New York in 25 minutes.

A new alarm clock reportedly wakes up people using sight, sound and even smell. Which isn’t too different from the smoke alarms that wake men up when their wives catch them sneaking into bed at 3:00 am and light the bed on fire.

SpinLaunch says it will launch rockets without fossil fuels, instead using ground-based electricity. The only problem is finding a 200 mile long extension cord.

A community center in Kansas is billing parents of a child who knocked over an art piece $132,000. Not to say the parents were not impressed with the artist, but they made a counter-offer of an even trade for two of the child’s finger paintings.

A community center in Kansas is billing parents of a child who knocked over an art piece $132,000. That’s like Andy Warhol’s family sending a bill to anyone who opens up a can of Campbell’s Soup.

Phil Mickelson created controversy when he putted a moving ball at the U.S. Open rather than letting it roll several more feet. If that is allowed to stand as an option, next year’s 18th hole will feature a windmill and clown’s mouth.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am sending this out before the conclusion of the U.S. Open so I might have to add some more jokes later, especially if the final round is anywhere near as much of a disaster as the third. I understand the USGA wanting to toughen up the course, but at times they go a bit too far. It’s like if Major League Baseball wanted to cut back on home runs by making batters hit with a frying pan. Although there is some sort of weird satisfaction watching Dustin Johnson navigate a par four hole in the same number of strokes all the rest of us do on a regular basis. It brings us all so much closer to the players we admire. I hope you all admire the jokes and keep coming back. Even if you are doing it just to see what I am saying about you. That’s an inside remark which you can ignore unless you know exactly who you are. For the rest of you, I am glad to still see you checking out the blog and of course remembering to always keep on sending the love!



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